Remember when Evan Bass and Carly Waddell were the height of Bachelor fame? Yes? No? Only because you’re still talking through the hot tamale abomination that was their first kiss with your therapist? Same. Well, buckle up friends, because it appears not only is Evan Bass a horrifying kisser, but he’s also in a crazy amount of legal trouble.
Still the stuff of my nightmares.
For those of you who don’t remember, Evan Bass was on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, where producers tried to spin him as a catch because he ran a medical clinic. What made it really hard for them to accomplish this was the fact that he runs an erectile dysfunction clinic, but also has the personality of someone who makes genitals shrivel up and die. After The Bachelorette, he went on to Bachelor in Paradise where he attempted to woo Carly Waddell by pretending to be physically ill in the hopes that she would pity date him. And they say all the good ones are gone! What’s crazy is that the two of them actually ended up engaged by the end of the season, and have since then gotten married and somehow managed to spawn two children together. Just thinking about Evan Bass and nudity sends a swift chill down my spine, but whatever works for you, Carly!
But recently, Evan has done more than just manipulate women into dating him—he’s also manipulating the men of Nashville into believing he can solve their impotence problems! According to TMZ, new legal docs show that the BiP star just paid a chill $150K to the Tennessee Attorney General for allegedly making “misleading claims in advertisements” for an erectile dysfunction clinic he owns. The documents claim that Evan and his clinic allegedly sold erectile dysfunction and other men’s sexual function treatments through “multiple widely-disseminated, deceptive marketing campaigns” as well as had advertising that “misrepresented the efficacy, suitability, cost, and administration by doctors of its sexual function treatments.” Tbh I’m more upset that the article refers to Evan as a “hunk” than the fact that he conned men into thinking their penises would work again, but fine.
The lawsuit lists all of the alleged “deceptive” claims made by the clinic in their ads. Apparently the clinic “repeatedly claimed” in TV, radio, and print advertisements that it “would be able to solve or fix erectile dysfunction even after just one visit” even though this “was not the case.” Lmaoooooo. This is hilarious to me. Evan is a man whose OWN WIFE has gone on national television and said that he gives her erectile dysfunction, and the men of Nashville somehow believe he can give them long-lasting erections and a newfound sense of virility? What else do the men of Nashville believe? That Jeffrey Epstein actually killed himself?!
Let’s be clear: Evan has admitted to no wrongdoing, however, he has agreed to pay the $150k and promised not to repeat the claims in order to make this whole thing disappear. Now, I’m not an attorney, but I’ve watched many episodes of Judge Judy, and this feels like a clear admission of guilt to me. I, mean, it’s not like he’s paying that massive sum out of the goodness of his heart. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be here waiting for his Notes App apology to drop on Instagram. Until then!
Images: Giphy (2)
I’ll go ahead and share an unpopular opinion: summer is kind of a trash season. Sure, the first month of day drinking out in the sun is fun—but the next two months are exhausting. By the time August rolls around, there’s literally nothing I’d rather do than curl up in an air-conditioned room and binge on Bachelor in Paradise. Since we have to suffer through another round of The Bachelorette before ABC will give us what we really want, they’re keeping Bachelor in Paradise season 6 cast decisions pretty quiet for now. But because I’m ~that bitch~ I decided to creep around the internet anyway and see what I could find out. Here’s who you should (and shouldn’t) expect to see on Bachelor in Paradise season 6.
Demi is the closest thing we have to a fully confirmed BiP contestant, given that Chris Harrison said we’d “see again somewhere” on Women Tell All. Unless they’re giving her her own talk show, that’s a pretty clear indication she’ll be hitting the beach in August. Also, it kind of seems like fans would riot in the streets if she didn’t join the cast, so I’m glad both ABC and Demi are going along with it.
Forget about @colton jumping the fence, I’m more hyped for @demi_burnett to spill some TEA tomorrow night?☕️
(She better be on Bachelor in Paradise or I’m gonna fight someone)
— lauren ღ (@laurennn2313) March 5, 2019
Yes, the contestant who stuffed a pacifier in Demi’s mouth on Women Tell All. Yes, I do think that’s the only reason she’ll be offered a role, and no, I don’t think she’ll last very long. However, Courtney has proven that she is drama-hungry enough to do just about anything, and has precisely the kind of high tolerance for embarrassing herself that’s required to appear on the Bachelor franchise. We’ll get her back on Bachelor in Paradise season 6 if for no other reason than two episodes of re-ignited Demi drama.
Courtney baby you only got screentime an a possible spot on Paradise because of Demi be grateful and keep it pushing sis cause Demi is winning this fight ? #WomenTellAll pic.twitter.com/V89GLStNK5
— Olivia Broussard (@OliviaBroussar1) March 6, 2019
Caelynn, on the other hand, people are less sure about. When asked on Ellen back in March whether she’d consider joining the Paradise cast, she “answered with a solid ‘maybe.'” But given her overall takeaway from being on The Bachelor (“this process sucked for me,” it was “absolute hell,” etc.), not everyone is sure she’s ready to dive back in to reality TV. Then again, those comments were largely made in response to questions about whether she’d be the next Bachelorette. Given that she wasn’t offered the role, this could have just been her attempt to save face. IMO, Caelynn might ghost the ABC producers for a month or two when they ask—but she’ll come around.
Will everyone’s favorite content creator get back in the game?! Honestly, given that she cracked 1M Instagram followers from The Bachelor alone, I’m not sure what else she needs from Paradise. Apparently, she doesn’t feel the same way, and has been dropping references to Paradise left and right in her interviews. Specifically, references to meeting Blake Horstmann, the Bachelor Nation-approved romantic pick for her. “I think Blake’s a catch. So I’d like to see him there,” Hannah G. told Extra TV. “I’d have to hang out with him to kind of figure out if that would work and everything. So maybe Paradise would be a spot to meet each other. Who knows. But also I want to go in super open-minded and just go in with my gut.”
IDK about you, but that definitely sounds like someone who’s going on Paradise to me. And possibly, someone about to Tia the sh*t out of Blake while there.
Can we get Blake and Hannah G together on #BachelorInParadise and call if a day? Those two deserve love and would be magic together. #TheBachelor
— Jackie (@jlhalvy) March 12, 2019
On that note, can we expect to see Blake in Paradise? Word has it he didn’t join the cast last year because he was still in talks to be the next Bachelor at the time. But talking to Us Weekly in March, Blake said the following: “If I’m single, I probably will be on Paradise.” Hear that, my Colorado betches? If you want Blake on Paradise, just make sure no one dates him in the next three months. Should be easy enough.
Now for some more troubling news. Tayshia Adams, who was essentially robbed of the Bachelorette title, might…not have been asked to join Bachelor in Paradise season 6 either?! In a recent Vulture interview, Tayshia was asked whether she’d ever go back on reality TV. Her answer: “I have mixed feelings about that. I’m looking forward to what other opportunities come around, whether with Paradise or anything else. I’ll never say never. But it’s a different world.”
That sounds to me like someone who has distinctly not been offered a place on Paradise—and who would very much accept it if she were. Wondering which opportunities will “come around” implies a lot less confidence that Hannah G.’s statement that she “want to go in super open-minded.” If I’m right on this, the only question that remains is what the f*ck ABC’s problem with Tayshia is. She was the only member of Colton’s final four who could talk about something other than their relationship, and I feel that kind of mental acuity should be rewarded. For what it’s worth, Evan Bass agrees with me.
Tayshia is so great. So much class. Sad she feels ashamed that some idiot cheated on her. I don’t think she’ll end up with Colton but hot damn she’ll easily engaged by the end of paradise! #thebachelor
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) March 5, 2019
Since Joe was eliminated from The Bachelorette night one (good spot, Hannah!), he was able to confirm to Variety last week that he’ll be appearing on Paradise. He’s otherwise known as the “Box King,” because oh IDK he made it his Insta handle, Twitter handle, and the entire theme of his intro video for The Bachelorette. This guy came in guns blazing (from a branding perspective, NOT a romantic perspective) and sadly, I think it’ll make him as boring on Paradise as he was on The Bachelorette. You have to at least pretend you’re in it for something other than cold, hard cash, Joe—that’s what gets you roses.
Cam was a slightly more memorable Bachelorette candidate than Joe, but unfortunately only because he came off like a total f*cking psycho. He was actually giving me major Chris Randone vibes, so even though his turn on Paradise isn’t confirmed, I would be majorly shocked if he didn’t appear. After all, Paradise is where they send all the “misunderstood” (read: emotionally unstable) rejects. Now, as to who will be the Krystal to Cam’s Chris—Demi was the closest thing Colton’s season had to a villain, and I can’t see her falling for his bullsh*t. Maybe they’ll bring back Chelsea? She’s been around the Bachelor block so many times now I think she’d say yes to anybody.
John Paul Jones
Finally, John Paul Jones. He hasn’t been eliminated on The Bachelorette yet (and honestly, he’s been more fo a legit contender than I expected) but search your souls: do you really think Alabama Hannah is walking out of there with a ring put on her finger by John Paul Jones? He looks like he’s 16, has no discernible job, and told Hannah outright that his long-term plan is to ride on her coattails. Relatable? Absolutely. But not Bachelorette husband material. Everything about him is a gimmick, which makes him perfect for Paradise: and while I think Demi’s a little too sharp for him, I could see pageant queen Caelynn wanting someone like this to follow her around and hold her purse. (Sidenote: do we think Caelynn’s ego would allow her to date one of Hannah’s cast-offs? Time will tell…)
That’s all I have for now—but rumor has it the full cast list for Bachelor in Paradise season 6 will drop in June, when Hannah B. has kicked a few garbage men off her round to join the fun. Can’t wait!
Images: Disney ABC Press; @laurennn2313, @jlhalvy, @ebassclinics, @OliviaBroussar1 / Twitter
Well, fam, once again I find myself shackled to a couch for two hours watching scantily clad twentysomethings butcher the meaning of “witchcraft.” Ah, Bachelor in Paradise, it’s good to be home! I didn’t watch last night’s episode because I was busy living my life, but I did see that Colton and Tia are no longer. I guess Colton wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, which is why he just signed up to be in 20 relationships at the same time. Cool, cool.
ABC: Colton is the next Bachelor!
ME: I’d like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be part of since summer 2018.
Moving on. Tonight’s episode starts off with a montage of all the happy couples and Venmo John. Seriously, HOW is this guy still here?
Astrid keeps saying that Kevin makes her feel like the most special girl in the whole world as the camera pans to a shot of them talking about salads. I’ve had a more meaningful conversation with my stapler, but okay.
Chris Harrison shows up as everyone is knee-deep in tequila shots and announces that instead of getting sh*tfaced all day they’ll have to be interviewed by former successful BiP couples: Tanner and Jade and Carly and Evan. Good going, Chris! Nothing kills a good buzz like Evan’s disgusting facial hair. Meanwhile, Kamil looks like he’d rather peel his flesh off with a blunt spoon than listen to relationship advice. Same, Kamil. Same.
CHRIS HARRISON: Love can be found here if you really really really
want to settle look for it.
They bring out the married couples who immediately start grilling everyone about their intentions. I’m sorry but, Carly, I’m pretty sure your intentions with Evan were to run as fast and as far as possible in the opposite direction. Please.
Jesus god. Every time Evan starts speaking and it reminds me why I’m glad I’m single.
EVAN: Don’t you want what me and Carly have?
WHAT CARLY AND EVAN HAVE:
KAMIL: Yeah, I don’t want that.
Kendall and Joe win the date because apparently they’re the most “stable.” What we don’t see is while they’re making this announcement Mike Fleiss is pointing a gun at Carly and Evan’s heads from behind the cabana.
HAHA. Kendall and Joe aren’t actually even going on a date, they’re just babysitting for the married couples. Laaame. Astrid doesn’t think Kendall should be trusted with a baby because she likes dead things in her hands, and it’s an excellent point. I’ll have child services ready and waiting on speed dial.
Joe is breathing the same air as a screaming baby and every woman in America’s ovaries just exploded at the cuteness. I can’t.
Cut to the rest of the house, who are discussing the prospect of marriage and kids as they pound enough tequila to tranquilize a miniature horse (RIP Lil’ Sebastian). Jordan announces that he’s ready for kids but only if he “finds the right breeder.” Well Jordan, my dog Snowball is AKC registered and available, and after that comment I think she’s about the only one willing to “breed” with you.
Okay, Cassandra is great. She’s being super direct and calling Eric out on all his bullsh*t. He keeps telling her that he really wants a relationship but can’t give her what she wants… which is a relationship. Tbh it kind of sounds like he just wants to bang in Paradise and then never speak to her again and have her be okay with that. Sounds like, oh I don’t know, every guy in New York City.
Eric starts freaking out because Cassie isn’t having it. She dared call him out on his bullsh*t and he starts having a mental breakdown. See, this is what’s wrong with men in 2018. Cassie points out that he’s essentially blowing smoke up her ass, and rather than apologize for assuming a grown-ass woman would like to be treated as his own personal summer toy, he feigns a mental breakdown and leaves Mexico. And everyone praises him for being in tune with his emotions! Meanwhile, if one of these girls *cough* Tia *cough, cough* pulled something similar then they’re “crazy” and “batsh*t.”
ERIC: Angela leaving was really hard on me. She was my girl.
ME: YOU KICKED HER OFF, THOUGH
See, this is a little confusing to me because I didn’t see a gun to Eric’s head forcing him to pick Cassandra over Angie?? I think Eric has multiple personalities or something, because sh*t isn’t lining up.
Wow wow wow wow. He’s waking Cassie up from a nap so he can break up with her. Soooo many levels of f*cked up right here.
ERIC: You awake?
ERIC: Good cause I just wanted to say that I’m leaving. Have a great summer!
Honestly, good riddance.
So I guess there are no new men coming tonight? Is that why production throws Chris a bone gives him and Krystal a date card? Chris keeps saying how he can’t imagine his life without Krystal, and I love that he conveniently forgets comparing her to an order of calamari in a four-course meal of women. Krystal, does it make you feel better knowing that at least you weren’t the hotel pillow mint he described Tia to be?
Yes, but at what cost sweetie?
Back at the beach, everyone is playing truth or dare like it’s my seventh grade sleepover. Here’s hoping Annaliese falls asleep early and Shushanna sticks her hand in a cup of warm water so she’ll wet the bed. Fingers crossed!
Kamil says that Shushanna freaks him out because she’s always staring at him, and yet he finds Annaliese, a woman who probably peed all over his belongings to mark her territory, normal. Interesting.
Kiwi Jordan also gets a date card and asks Shu on the date since he gave her his rose last week. Logical. She turns him down, though, because she says she’s still into Kamil. She’s like “Carly and Evan didn’t like each other at first either and now they’re married with babies.” Tbh she’s not wrong. Carly literally compared Evan’s personality to a flaccid penis. #NeverForget
Shushanna pulls Kamil aside so she can tell him once again that she will never give up on them. Kamil following her rn is like his mom told him he has to clean his room and she’s not leaving until he’s done. I’m dying. This girl is bonkers. He’s been pretty clear from the get-go that he’s not into her.
KAMIL: I’m not into you AT ALL. Do you understand?
Annaliese is no better, though. Kamil is really stuck between a rock and a crazy place.
Shushanna says she likes a challenge in a man, but why do I feel like her challenges always end in a restraining order?
Kamil starts exercising his 40 percent of the relationship and makes Annaliese confront the Russian for him. I don’t like that Annaliese calls Shush a witch, though. Like, what, just because she stares at someone too much and may or may not wish bad things upon their significant other, that makes her a witch? ‘Cause if so, then I’m a witch.
KAMIL: Shush has no beautiful inside, just a very beautiful outside which doesn’t match my insides.
Diggy shows up in Paradise and tries to ask Shush on a date but she turns him down because she prefers her men emotionally and legally unavailable. It’s a fair point. Diggy asks Olivia on the date instead, which I think is a wayyy better match anyway.
I love this pep talk Olivia is giving Shush rn. She’s like “I can really see you with Jordan, NOT DIGGY, and you should go on more dates with Jordan, NOT DIGGY.” Subtle, Olivia. V v subtle.
Okay, I’m starting to think Shushanna’s strategy in Paradise might be similar to my strategy for dating in general: complain about being alone but never go on any dates when people ask you.
Fast forward to later that night, and Shu decides that she might actually be into Kiwi Jordan! I’m sure it had nothing to do with that hyper suggestive pep talk Olivia gave her and everything to do with their “connection.”
Everyone keeps calling Shushanna a witch, but do they know what witchcraft actually involves? They’re like “she’s all over the map she must be a witch” but she’s not acting any less insane then I do after five mimosas and a minute alone with my Snapchat followers.
SHUSHANNA: *is honest about her feelings and isn’t afraid to pursue a man*
Shushanna pulls Kiwi Jordan aside for a date she plans around the fire and he seems genuinely terrified to be anywhere near her and an open flame. Kiwi Jordan tells her “it’s not me, it’s you, because you literally told me to date other people” and she f*cking loses it. She’s like “if you want dessert it’s over there, bye” and then throws herself on the nearest daybed and starts sobbing.
Side note: Shu crying in this day bed is literally me when I can’t find my headphones and want to go to the gym. True story.
SHUSHANNA: I’ll never find love and I’m a f*cking witch!
KIWI JORDAN: That’s just a stumble!
That’s just a stumble! Ah, that’s good. I’m going to use that the next time I vomit in my bathtub instead of the toilet.
IMAGES: Giphy (6); @bach3lornation /Instagram (1); @shushanna_mk /Instagram (1)
With season 14 of The Bachelorette officially in the books (I feel old), it’s time to shift our attention elsewhere. Obviously Bachelor in Paradise is Bachelor Nation’s most pressing concern, but it’s never too early to look ahead to next season of The Bachelor (which will be season 23, if you didn’t feel old enough already). We’re lucky this year, as Becca’s season has actually produced a few viable Bachelor contenders who don’t seem to be fully the worst. Still salty about Arie, tbh. Today we’re focusing on Blake Horstmann, who had his heart broken by Becca on national TV last night. Naturally, this makes him a frontrunner to be the star of next season. What does Bachelor Nation have to say about Blake as the Bachelor? Let’s see what some of the most important people have to say.
First of all, there’s the interview that Blake did with People. Most of the interview is just him talking about how he wants Becca to be happy (snooze), but there’s one interesting little thing. When asked about being the next Bachelor, Blake is unsurprisingly cryptic, but he’s definitely not not into the idea. He said, “It would be the hardest thing I’d do. But I know this can work and if the opportunity presented itself, it would be something I would consider!” Lmao, “if the opportunity presented itself.” I don’t really know how these decisions are made, but I love that Blake is acting like there are hundreds of other guys being considered. Also, people always talk about how hard being the lead is, but I wouldn’t mind going on free vacations and having 20 hot people all trying to make out with me. Ugh, too bad the opportunity just hasn’t presented itself to me yet.
Now let’s go to Twitter, where many of our favorite Bachelor alums love to provide their thoughts on what the producers at ABC should do.
During the commercial break I’ve made the executive decision that Blake would be a fantastic bachelor #thebachelorette
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) August 7, 2018
Okay, so Evan is definitely on Team Blake, but he also thinks Jason, Grocery Store Joe, Wills, or Venmo John would be good choices. Basically, Evan is still way too invested in this, and he needs to make up his mind. I’ve already forgotten about half the guys from this season, but apparently Evan really just wants to see them all succeed.
For the record, JoJo is also Team Blake.
I SECOND THIS. https://t.co/oCWjTtg2UR
— JoJo Fletcher (@JoelleFletcher) August 7, 2018
She tweeted later that she’d also be into Jason as the Bachelor, so basically, JoJo is all of us.
Chris from Becca’s season actually chimed in with a solution to Evan’s problem of having too many choices: three Bachelors at once! To be honest, this isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard, even though Chris Harrison’s head would probably explode from trying to coordinate everything. Actually, it would be hilarious to watch these thirsty women compete for affection from three different guys at once, and then all of a sudden have to pick one that they’re “falling for.” Your move, ABC.
I guess for the first time we’ll have 3 bachelors at once with @balockaye_h @Colt3FIVE and @Jason_Tartick for the most dramatic season ever! #TheBachelorette #TheBacheloretteFinal
— Chris Randone (@ChrisRandone) August 7, 2018
Just FYI, Colton liked this tweet, so maybe this could happen?
Meanwhile, feminist queen Ashley Spivey just said what we were all thinking:
Just make Blake the bachelor and give us answers on the likes and Lincoln ????????♀️ #TheBachelorette
— Ashley Spivey (@AshleySpivey) August 7, 2018
Luckily they actually brought up Garrett’s likes during the finale, and I guess a weak apology is better than nothing at all. But we’re still waiting on any real discussion of Lincoln’s disgusting past actions. It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine.
Aaaaaand in case you were wondering, here’s what your least favorites have been up to:
Lauren and I flew to the Maldives at The Bachelor and Becca’s request. It’s a conversation that unfortunately won’t be shown but it was really positive for all of us. You can imagine this trip could have been very difficult for Lauren but she has supported and stood by me in all of this… I thank and love her everyday because of that. We wish Becca all the happiness in the world and can’t wait to see how tonight goes!
Um, I am very weirded out by this. First of all, why did Becca want Arie and Lauren there? Was it a secret plot to drown them in the ocean? I’m also wondering if the conversation wasn’t shown because it was too personal, or because it was literally the most boring thing that’s ever happened. Like, I can imagine Becca just looking pissed and over it while Arie and Lauren respond to all her questions with one-word answers. Also, why did Arie think this trip would be very difficult for Lauren? She’s engaged to the man of her dreams and got a free trip to the Maldives! Life is good!! Finally, I’m not sure why Arie thinks anyone really cares that he was in the Maldives, given that ABC chose not to show it. It just seems like a very Arie thing to do to be like “Becca got engaged and I’m so happy for her, but Lauren and I were also there!!” Please go away forever.
Congrats to Becca and Garrett, and if the rumors I’ve been hearing about Ben Higgins being the Bachelor again end up being true, I am going to personally destroy ABC studios.
Images: @ebassclinics, @JoelleFletcher; @ChrisRandone, @AshleySpivey / Twitter; @ariejr / Instagram