5 Things That Are Absolutely Guaranteed To Happen On Season 3 Of ‘Euphoria’

Great news for anyone who enjoys making their Sunday scaries significantly worse: Euphoria, the show about the high school kids who are single-handedly keeping I.AM.GIA in business has been picked up for a third season. As all viewers of the show know, even the tamest episode of Euphoria will have you stressed to the point that your Apple Watch starts yelling at you to take a one-minute breather. At any given moment, something horrible is happening to someone. With that said, despite all of the plot twists, the show is still weirdly predictable. Even with moments as shocking as (spoiler alert) Jules revealing that Rue’s drugs were flushed down the toilet, there are still plenty of Euphoria tropes that don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Although we don’t officially have any spoilers for Season 3, it’s safe to assume that a few things will happen. 

1. Rue Will Wear That Maroon Sweatshirt

Zendaya as Rue looking contemplative wearing her signature maroon hoodie

If there’s one thing Rue Bennett will do, it’s put on a maroon sweatshirt. While the majority of the Euphoria High girlies avoid repeating outfits with the same dedication they put toward avoiding their homework, Rue has proven that there’s nothing more relatable than having one hoodie that basically holds your entire life together. 

2. Ashtray Will Beat The Shit Out Of Fully Grown Men

Okay, I have a confession. I spend a lot of time thinking about how Ashtray is such a legendary character because he’s a legit CHILD, yet beats the absolute living daylights out of big, scary, grown men whenever he feels like it. This is tragic because we had almost two and a half years in between the first and second seasons of Euphoria, and the longer they wait to film new episodes; the older this kid is going to get. I usually find solace in thinking about the fact that Ashtray will eventually get old enough to drive a car legally; he will never age out of his willingness to fully clock someone at a second’s notice. 

3. Vape Girl (Aka Barbara “BB” Brooks) Will Make One Appearance That We’ll All Tweet About For No Less Than Four Days 

I’m still mad that Sophia Rose Wilson, the actress who plays Vape Girl, didn’t snatch up an Emmy for her delivery of the line, “WORLDSTAR” in Season 1, but hopefully, the one minute she’ll likely be gracing our screens next season will be just as impactful. 

4. Laurie’s Damn Birds Will Make Awkward Eye Contact With Whoever Enters Her Home

Why do I get secondhand embarrassment every time one of those creepy little birds locks eyes with someone? The creators of Euphoria insist on giving those birds as much screen time as possible without turning HBO into National Geographic. Unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon. 

5. Nate Will Have Completely Out-Of-Pocket Fantasies About Reproducing

Jacob Elordi as Nate in Euphoria smiles to himself with visible injuries and bandages on his forehead

Nate Jacobs needs to learn that “I want to have your babies” is an unacceptable pickup line for anyone, let alone a boy who has yet to take the SATs. Unfortunately, this child’s obsession with getting someone pregnant the moment he decides he’s attracted to them appears to be a personality trait at this point. I genuinely believe the only way we can avoid another one of Nate’s strange pregnancy fantasies is for him to become a teen dad, and we all know that the last thing the world needs is another member of the Jacobs family. 

6. Kat Will Be Like, “Guys, I Hate Ethan.”

Kat from Euphoria and Ethan kissing

With the exception of the epic scene in which Kat freaked out at a bunch of toxic positive body positivity influencers in a dream state, her entire storyline this season has been “I don’t like my boyfriend.” Through no fault of her own, she’s slowly turning into scripted TV’s version of those Real Housewives cast members that get the “friend of” shaft after giving us the same storyline for too long. 

7. Cassie Will Be Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up

Sydney Sweeney as Cassie in Euphoria sitting in front of floral background, crying

Cassie is the queen of the boogery, gooey, ugly crying face, and that is genuinely something that sticks with you for your entire life. I also highly doubt she’s going to grow out of being the kind of girl who throws up all over her monokini in a hot tub until at least her junior year of college. Honestly, I’m fine with this because it means Sydney Sweeney will continue to do the lord’s work and give us countless reaction GIFs for *fingers crossed* seasons to come. 

Images: Marcell Rev/HBO; Giphy (4); Tenor; HBO (2)

You’re Not A ‘Euphoria’ Character, And That’s Ok

Euphoria is probably one of the best shows on television right now. It’s like Degrassi, if Degrassi had a budget and cast super hot people. It’s high school, make it fashion—more specifically, high fashion and an incredible amount of angst. However, it’s nothing like what high school actually was. The fact that these “high schoolers” are wearing Mugler and Chanel is absolutely iconic, but far from relatable. That’s not to say that there aren’t relatable aspects of the show—I think the show does a good job of exploring heavy material with dialogue that is way more accurate than a lot of high school TV shows like Degrassi or Riverdale. But its glitz, glamour, and angst is nothing like my high school experience, and judging from Twitter’s responses, it’s not like a lot of people’s high school experiences.

I love that it’s a show that we all seem to love and enjoy, but I feel like a lot of y’all (including myself) seem to think that you need to have experienced Euphoria yourself in high school, and I’m here to tell you that just simply isn’t the case. I’m sure a lot of you weren’t snorting coke before a party, or getting f*cked by someone in a pool, and that’s okay! Instead, you went to Shakey’s after school and enjoyed a slice of pizza while awkwardly picking food out of your braces. You can embrace the fact that you couldn’t dress for sh*t in high school and that you didn’t understand the concept of putting an outfit together—I know I couldn’t. A lot of y’all dressed like you were going to a business meeting when you actually did go out: untucked dress shirts, business skirts, bowties and huge hipster glasses that were reminiscent of Ryan from The Office. And guess what, it’s perfectly all right! Embrace the cringiness that comes with nostalgia.

You loved to thrift after school, you found the best pair of bell bottoms and you wore the HELL out of those pants. People complimented you for it, and you even won the Best Fashion superlative during senior year. However, my love, that does not make you Maddie. She’s wearing Mugler, Chanel, and so many designers that our checks from our part-time jobs after school couldn’t even think of covering. Honestly, I think the closet I saw was a bunch of the try-hard jocks wearing very tight and ill-fitting Abercrombie & Fitch shirts and a few of the popular girlies wearing American Apparel when it was a special occasion. And that’s absolutely fine, we rocked our bell bottoms, all-black outfits (even when it was 100 degrees outside), and dirty white Vans with confidence. I remember wearing the same H&M sweatshirt almost every day thinking I was serving Tumblr girl teas, and I promise you, I wasn’t… like, at all. 

Let’s talk about some of these characters. Rue is a mess, but I love her, and her defiance is what’s relatable, even when it gets her in trouble. As for the drug stuff, the closest I ever got to that was taking an edible during my part-time job at Trader Joe’s and having the worst anxiety attack of my life and needing two days to recover. Cassie is incredibly relatable because most of the time, she’s a complete mess. Even still, I simply don’t remember ever looking that good when I cried over guys that were absolutely assholes, nor do I remember guys flocking to me when I went through heartbreak. And Fez is somewhat recognizable in that every high school has at least one dusty white dude that may or may not be a drug lord—or at least a part-time weed dealer.

But here’s the thing. It’s okay to not relate to everything. You don’t have to equate your experiences with an overdramatized high school show. I remember watching the show and thinking to myself, “Was my high school experience wack? Did I actually live life to the fullest during that time?” I even wondered if my current college experience was lackluster because I wasn’t going as hard as the characters on the show. Then I remembered this is a TV show and it’s supposed to serve as escapism.

I mean, would I love a character who was average at absolutely everything and had no idea what they were doing after high school? Yes, mainly because that was my life story. But I think what Euphoria has taught me is that even with representation, I don’t necessarily have to relate to the stories being told. I can just enjoy the show for what it is: a TV show. We all know that most of our high school experiences were nothing like this, and low-key can thank goodness for that, because our schools would probably be shut down. 

Images: Eddy Chen/HBO