Which ‘Euphoria’ Adult Who’s Letting These Teens Run Wild Are You?

Every fan who watches Euphoria and has a Twitter account usually ends up tweeting one of two things: A) KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE THAT! or B) When I was a kid, I was a sexy badass like Sydney Sweeney, and y’all are nerds. The truth for most people is probably somewhere in between, but a more relevant question is not what kind of teen you used to be—it’s what kind of Euphoria adult are you now? The focus might be on the young, dewy cast with their perfect skin and sweat-defying eyeliner, but a lot of this show gets stolen by the parents in the room. In theory, they’re the ones in charge. If the Euphoria fans with a high school diploma are honest, they will definitely see a lot more of themselves in one of these old heads than the 25-year-olds playing teenagers.

Suze

More than any other adult on the show, Suze seems to have her head on straight. She knows what to do when Rue shows up at her door going through withdrawal: narc on her to her mom. She knows what to do when Cassie is flipping out over Nate: hide the knives. She knows what to do when Millionaire Matchmaker is on: watch it. And she is hooting and hollering in support of Lexi as she watches her wine-swilling get mocked on stage. Yes, Suze drinks, but in her situation, wouldn’t you? Life’s not easy for Suze, but she’s grinding through and making the most practical choices of anyone in East Highland. Though that’s not saying a lot. 

Cal

Who hasn’t dreamed of pissing all over their foyer and then absconding into the night? Cal is pure id, the part of ourselves we all push down and work to control so we don’t hurt the people around us. For the most part, Cal has done a terrible job at suppressing any of his urges and has left a huge swathe of destruction all around him. The best choice he’s made in ages is abandoning his family. While no one is suggesting you do that, if you’re anything like Cal, maybe book a therapy appointment before opening the tequila bottle.

Marsha

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. We didn’t really know much about Marsha for a while, until she finally acknowledged she has a horrible husband. Now we know she was a fox. We know she used to be a sexual dynamo. We know she likes to smoke, drink, and have really confrontational convos with her son in the kitchen like it’s an R-rated Nancy Meyers film. Marsha has been in denial, but she’s not letting things slide anymore. 

Samantha 

Are you sexually suggestive and feeding alcohol to someone who is barely legal in your backyard pool? If so, you’re Minka Kelly and should go directly to jail!

Ali

This is a man who is very wise, and that wisdom has come at an extremely high price. He might be one of the few people who really understand Rue the way she needs to be understood. Unfortunately, he is sometimes too much of an adult to really communicate with her in a way that gets through, and one cruel teen comment from her can send him spinning. Which is honestly an excellent portrayal of parenting. 

Laurie

Obviously, Laurie is a stone cold bitch, but she also really knows what’s up. Like, I would not trust a child with Laurie, but she is the person I’d want on my side in a tough spot, you know? Not all adults are nurturing. This one is about as tender as a cobra ready to strike.  

Fezco

Unfortunately, Fezco is technically an adult. Sorry to all the Lexi and Fez shippers out there. The show is taking pains to establish that a number of characters are 18 and therefore legal. But Lexi is also canonically 443 days younger than her sister Cassie, who still seems to be in high school, so you do the math. Fez is a very young adult, and surprisingly one of the sweetest characters the show features. Drug dealing is a family business, and it’s easy to imagine the kind of person Fez might have been if he weren’t sucked up into all the danger and difficulty of his job. Still, this is an adult who still has some growing up to do, even if in many ways he never got to be a kid.

Leslie

Poor Leslie. I can’t even give her any crap, despite the fact that she is a fictional character. This lady has been through the ringer, losing her husband, seemingly about to lose one daughter, maybe two. If you are eating ice cream out of the carton in bed having the most nihilistic conversation ever, you might be a Leslie. And I want to give you a hug.

Image: Eddy Chen/HBO (7); HBO (2)

5 Things That Are Absolutely Guaranteed To Happen On Season 3 Of ‘Euphoria’

Great news for anyone who enjoys making their Sunday scaries significantly worse: Euphoria, the show about the high school kids who are single-handedly keeping I.AM.GIA in business has been picked up for a third season. As all viewers of the show know, even the tamest episode of Euphoria will have you stressed to the point that your Apple Watch starts yelling at you to take a one-minute breather. At any given moment, something horrible is happening to someone. With that said, despite all of the plot twists, the show is still weirdly predictable. Even with moments as shocking as (spoiler alert) Jules revealing that Rue’s drugs were flushed down the toilet, there are still plenty of Euphoria tropes that don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Although we don’t officially have any spoilers for Season 3, it’s safe to assume that a few things will happen. 

1. Rue Will Wear That Maroon Sweatshirt

Zendaya as Rue looking contemplative wearing her signature maroon hoodie

If there’s one thing Rue Bennett will do, it’s put on a maroon sweatshirt. While the majority of the Euphoria High girlies avoid repeating outfits with the same dedication they put toward avoiding their homework, Rue has proven that there’s nothing more relatable than having one hoodie that basically holds your entire life together. 

2. Ashtray Will Beat The Shit Out Of Fully Grown Men

Okay, I have a confession. I spend a lot of time thinking about how Ashtray is such a legendary character because he’s a legit CHILD, yet beats the absolute living daylights out of big, scary, grown men whenever he feels like it. This is tragic because we had almost two and a half years in between the first and second seasons of Euphoria, and the longer they wait to film new episodes; the older this kid is going to get. I usually find solace in thinking about the fact that Ashtray will eventually get old enough to drive a car legally; he will never age out of his willingness to fully clock someone at a second’s notice. 

3. Vape Girl (Aka Barbara “BB” Brooks) Will Make One Appearance That We’ll All Tweet About For No Less Than Four Days 

I’m still mad that Sophia Rose Wilson, the actress who plays Vape Girl, didn’t snatch up an Emmy for her delivery of the line, “WORLDSTAR” in Season 1, but hopefully, the one minute she’ll likely be gracing our screens next season will be just as impactful. 

4. Laurie’s Damn Birds Will Make Awkward Eye Contact With Whoever Enters Her Home

Why do I get secondhand embarrassment every time one of those creepy little birds locks eyes with someone? The creators of Euphoria insist on giving those birds as much screen time as possible without turning HBO into National Geographic. Unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon. 

5. Nate Will Have Completely Out-Of-Pocket Fantasies About Reproducing

Jacob Elordi as Nate in Euphoria smiles to himself with visible injuries and bandages on his forehead

Nate Jacobs needs to learn that “I want to have your babies” is an unacceptable pickup line for anyone, let alone a boy who has yet to take the SATs. Unfortunately, this child’s obsession with getting someone pregnant the moment he decides he’s attracted to them appears to be a personality trait at this point. I genuinely believe the only way we can avoid another one of Nate’s strange pregnancy fantasies is for him to become a teen dad, and we all know that the last thing the world needs is another member of the Jacobs family. 

6. Kat Will Be Like, “Guys, I Hate Ethan.”

Kat from Euphoria and Ethan kissing

With the exception of the epic scene in which Kat freaked out at a bunch of toxic positive body positivity influencers in a dream state, her entire storyline this season has been “I don’t like my boyfriend.” Through no fault of her own, she’s slowly turning into scripted TV’s version of those Real Housewives cast members that get the “friend of” shaft after giving us the same storyline for too long. 

7. Cassie Will Be Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up

Sydney Sweeney as Cassie in Euphoria sitting in front of floral background, crying

Cassie is the queen of the boogery, gooey, ugly crying face, and that is genuinely something that sticks with you for your entire life. I also highly doubt she’s going to grow out of being the kind of girl who throws up all over her monokini in a hot tub until at least her junior year of college. Honestly, I’m fine with this because it means Sydney Sweeney will continue to do the lord’s work and give us countless reaction GIFs for *fingers crossed* seasons to come. 

Images: Marcell Rev/HBO; Giphy (4); Tenor; HBO (2)

You’re Not A ‘Euphoria’ Character, And That’s Ok

Euphoria is probably one of the best shows on television right now. It’s like Degrassi, if Degrassi had a budget and cast super hot people. It’s high school, make it fashion—more specifically, high fashion and an incredible amount of angst. However, it’s nothing like what high school actually was. The fact that these “high schoolers” are wearing Mugler and Chanel is absolutely iconic, but far from relatable. That’s not to say that there aren’t relatable aspects of the show—I think the show does a good job of exploring heavy material with dialogue that is way more accurate than a lot of high school TV shows like Degrassi or Riverdale. But its glitz, glamour, and angst is nothing like my high school experience, and judging from Twitter’s responses, it’s not like a lot of people’s high school experiences.

I love that it’s a show that we all seem to love and enjoy, but I feel like a lot of y’all (including myself) seem to think that you need to have experienced Euphoria yourself in high school, and I’m here to tell you that just simply isn’t the case. I’m sure a lot of you weren’t snorting coke before a party, or getting f*cked by someone in a pool, and that’s okay! Instead, you went to Shakey’s after school and enjoyed a slice of pizza while awkwardly picking food out of your braces. You can embrace the fact that you couldn’t dress for sh*t in high school and that you didn’t understand the concept of putting an outfit together—I know I couldn’t. A lot of y’all dressed like you were going to a business meeting when you actually did go out: untucked dress shirts, business skirts, bowties and huge hipster glasses that were reminiscent of Ryan from The Office. And guess what, it’s perfectly all right! Embrace the cringiness that comes with nostalgia.

You loved to thrift after school, you found the best pair of bell bottoms and you wore the HELL out of those pants. People complimented you for it, and you even won the Best Fashion superlative during senior year. However, my love, that does not make you Maddie. She’s wearing Mugler, Chanel, and so many designers that our checks from our part-time jobs after school couldn’t even think of covering. Honestly, I think the closet I saw was a bunch of the try-hard jocks wearing very tight and ill-fitting Abercrombie & Fitch shirts and a few of the popular girlies wearing American Apparel when it was a special occasion. And that’s absolutely fine, we rocked our bell bottoms, all-black outfits (even when it was 100 degrees outside), and dirty white Vans with confidence. I remember wearing the same H&M sweatshirt almost every day thinking I was serving Tumblr girl teas, and I promise you, I wasn’t… like, at all. 

Let’s talk about some of these characters. Rue is a mess, but I love her, and her defiance is what’s relatable, even when it gets her in trouble. As for the drug stuff, the closest I ever got to that was taking an edible during my part-time job at Trader Joe’s and having the worst anxiety attack of my life and needing two days to recover. Cassie is incredibly relatable because most of the time, she’s a complete mess. Even still, I simply don’t remember ever looking that good when I cried over guys that were absolutely assholes, nor do I remember guys flocking to me when I went through heartbreak. And Fez is somewhat recognizable in that every high school has at least one dusty white dude that may or may not be a drug lord—or at least a part-time weed dealer.

But here’s the thing. It’s okay to not relate to everything. You don’t have to equate your experiences with an overdramatized high school show. I remember watching the show and thinking to myself, “Was my high school experience wack? Did I actually live life to the fullest during that time?” I even wondered if my current college experience was lackluster because I wasn’t going as hard as the characters on the show. Then I remembered this is a TV show and it’s supposed to serve as escapism.

I mean, would I love a character who was average at absolutely everything and had no idea what they were doing after high school? Yes, mainly because that was my life story. But I think what Euphoria has taught me is that even with representation, I don’t necessarily have to relate to the stories being told. I can just enjoy the show for what it is: a TV show. We all know that most of our high school experiences were nothing like this, and low-key can thank goodness for that, because our schools would probably be shut down. 

Images: Eddy Chen/HBO