Like everyone else, I’ve been working on bettering myself in quarantine (and by bettering myself, I mean watching all of the shows I’ve been adding to my Netflix queue). My first official quarantine binge was obviously Parks and Rec, but when I realized that I couldn’t watch Parks over and over until this ends, I started looking for new content, which is where Schitt’s Creek comes in.
Honestly, it took me a few half-watches of the pilot, but once I got like, 10 minutes into the second episode I became hooked and made it through the series in, like, a week and a half. And, since I can’t stop thinking about the show, I decided that there is no better use of my brain cells then to tell you how I think the characters of Schitt’s Creek would be quarantining.
At first, Johnny believed COVID-19 was just like the flu, but after David yelled at him enough times, he started taking precautions and wearing a mask in public at all times. Now he’s going a little too far in the other direction, wearing gloves even at home and Lysoling the entire motel on the hour, despite there not being any visitors since even before the pandemic. While he is trying to keep his cool for the sake of the family, Johnny is kind of losing his mind, and his family obviously notices. He won’t stop watching the news and parroting every single new COVID-19 development he hears, and is having trouble distinguishing between conspiracy theories and legitimate news. He splits his day between the motel and the cafe, where he’s handing out face shields to everyone coming in and trying to install plexiglass barriers at all the tables.
As we know, Moira does not enjoy being around sick people, so this whole pandemic thing has sent her spiraling. To keep herself sane (to the detriment of those around her), Moira has taken to organizing weekly Jazzagal rehearsals via Zoom. The audio delay makes them unbearable. Moira has been spending her time organizing her wigs, matching them to her face mask du jour, and she’d actually be pretty big on TikTok if she could figure out what it is.
David somehow managed to get Rose Apothecary to be declared an essential business, largely because he truly believes that luxury skin care items are essential. However, he is extremely diligent about social distancing and is only operating via curbside pickup. He makes Patrick deliver the customers’ orders because he’s convinced he’s high-risk. Every time he gets a panic attack, he convinces himself it’s COVID-19. Ted has started screening his calls. When he’s not spiraling, he’s developing a Rose Apothecary hand sanitizer that doubles as a scented hand cream.
Alexis’ business has been growing and she is determined not to let quarantine dampen her success. A true innovator, Alexis bought a sewing machine from a store in Elmdale, and she and David have started learning to make branded masks to sell at Rose Apothecary. The plan was to embroider them in Swarovski crystals and sell them for $500 a pop. So far they’ve made one mask successfully before the sewing machine jammed and they “took a break”.
Since there are apparently no hospitals in Schitt’s Creek, Johnny has decided that the Rosebud motel would rent out rooms to healthcare providers at a reduced rate. While this is honestly a really good idea, he (unsurprisingly) had no plans regarding the logistics and left all of the details to Stevie. She is one more half-baked idea away from “accidentally” locking him out of the motel.
Roland won’t stop telling everyone how much he is doing his part, but he goes out in public wearing a mask that only covers his mouth. He also purposely forgets items on his grocery runs so he has an excuse to go back out. He continues to spend time with Bob, claiming the two are quarantining together, even though they are not living together…
Since Jocelyn is a teacher, she has been crazy busy over the last few months. On top of conducting her classes via Zoom, she’s been going the extra mile to both drop off and pick up homework for her students.
Since the diner is evidently the only place in town to get food, Twyla is working overtime on carryout orders, and it has never been busier. While working around Johnny’s developments to the diner, she’s been trying to enlist the Rose family to help her deliver orders. They have all left her on read, and she’s too nice to double text.
Unsurprisingly, Ronnie has been holding it together the most through this whole ordeal. She virtually walked every single member of the town council through the Zoom set-up process so they could still hold meetings. In her spare time, she’s been delivering PPE to the local hospitals, but you’d never know because she doesn’t make a big show out of it. She is, however, judging the sh*t out of everyone who is going about their regular lives unbothered.
Bob somehow brought coronavirus to Schitt’s Creek. No one is really sure where he got it from, but when he started showing minor symptoms, he assumed that he just had allergies. Even though Bob should be high-risk due to his age, he did not have a severe case. He did, however, spread COVID-19 to half of the customers at the diner.
In true David Rose fashion, Dan Levy posted a video explaining the importance of wearing a mask on Twitter, and I’ll leave you with that super pure content.
— dan levy (@danjlevy) May 20, 2020
Images: Courtesy of Pop TV; Giphy (10); danjlevy / Twitter
So Schitt’s Creek is ending because the universe is out to get me. I know that sounds incredibly self-absorbed, but what makes it even worse is the only people that are more self-absorbed than me are no longer going to be gracing our televisions after their next season. The Schitt’s Creek cast announced on Instagram earlier this week that they are filming the sixth season, which will be their last. It was truly such a bait-and-switch post. It started all happy, announcing how “excited” the cast is that the show is coming back for a sixth season, only to let me down by saying the sixth season will be the last one. It would be like if your college acceptance letter opened up with, “Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you we’ve selected our Class of 2023, and you will not be a member.”
Here’s the announcement, in case you want to experience the agony yourself.
Over the past five years, we’ve seen the Roses create a home for themselves in a run-down little town called Schitt’s Creek. I’m honestly dreading this show ending more than I’m dreading the comment section correcting me about what moments I forgot (I’m sorry in advance, okay?!?!?!). Let’s take a trip down memory lane to celebrate one of the best shows of the 2010s, which for once will not be hijacked by Alexis one-upping everyone.
Let’s be real—David and Moira’s relationship makes Dina and Lindsay Lohan look like a family out of a Pottery Barn catalogue. It is the perfect and totally-not-creepy embodiment of the Oedipus complex, and I am here for it. Obviously though, David is not here for it, and that makes it even better. What I love most about this performance is that they don’t even have a name for it—David just calls it “The Number,” because why bother trying to describe something this epic? There’s nothing like a remix of a holiday banger and an informative presentation about the dangers of asbestos to breathe life back into the tired mash-up trend in the most ridiculous way possible. Eat your heart out, Girltalk! I loved everything about this, except for David’s hair that made him look like the night shift manager at Spencer’s Gifts. I did not love that. As someone who has given armchair diagnoses to all of my ex-boyfriends (that I swear are totally spot on), there’s just so much to parse out with “The Number.” The only flaw in this scene is that they didn’t show the children’s choir Kylie Minogue medley that preceded “The Number.” I’m pissed.
Two Truths And A Lie
Two Truths and a Lie is a game I always insisted on playing at slumber parties, because I wanted my entire grade to find out that I got high over summer vacation (even though it was only from sniffing Sharpies at arts and crafts camp). Yes, that actually happened, and yes, it totally counts. Two truths and a lie was the least subtle way to one-up everyone and humble brag about the *wild* things we did when we were teenagers, so it was pretty hilarious to see adults make a pathetic attempt to bond with their own flesh and blood by playing this kind of game. David obviously played it ironically and sarcastically, because I don’t think he does anything without a hint of irony or sarcasm until, like, season three. “Um, I’m miserable, drunk, and hate this game,” he laments. “And sadly, I’m not drunk.” David, rule number one of Two Truths and a Lie is that you have to play it while intoxicated. But Alexis’ enthusiasm for the game could not be contained and she said wayyyy to smugly, “My eyes are brown, I’m basically sample size, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord’s truck by bribing him with sex.” I love her.
The Barn Party
Moment of seriousness here: I actually started watching Schitt’s Creek during a very dark time in my life last year. But I’ll save the dirty deets for my shrink, or whatever stranger at a bar I end up drunkenly oversharing with. Moira and Johnny crashed the barn party at Mutt’s after bitching out their so-called “friends” for writing them off once they lost all their money, and they decided to have a sweet family moment for once with their kids. Even if that meant showing up to a party for twenty- and thirtysomethings totally uninvited. Alexis and David were a little embarrassed at first, but then the family had a rare sweet moment and danced to “Precious Love” by James Morrison. I’m usually emotionally vacant, but this scene hit me hard, and I cry whenever I watch it. It was nice to see that even the most self absorbed, shallow, and emotionally unavailable family was able to show love and compassion and acceptance. And if you dig deep enough, that’s what this show is really all about. Okay, that’s enough sentimentality and empathy for me today. Any more than that and it compromises my bad girl image. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming of me being a narcissistic, emotionally stunted, heartless bitch.
The Roses Getting David From Amish Country
Everyone who has ever lost their drunk friend on a night out or wriggled free from the child leash their parents kept them on knows that the first place you try to find the degenerate is the last place you would think to find them. (Or is that just me?) The absolute last place you would actually find David would be him participating in Habitat for Humanity or living in a hippie commune, but Amish country is pretty close. It’s just off-brand enough to make his escape seem dramatic, but obvious enough that his family would still find him. The scene where they’re all screaming “David!” is gold, especially when Alexis is yelling all the dirty deets about how she finally hooked up with Mutt. And what was even more amazing was that the Amish family could not get rid of David fast enough. The Roses had the best reaction to getting David back, and I really need Moira to start her own mommy blog.
Playing “Sleepy Mommy”
Obviously, Jocelyn made a huge mistake by asking David to host her baby shower. Like, who really thinks that is a good idea? So I’ve never even been to a baby shower because I’ve never had a friend get pregnant (intentionally), so I have no idea what they actually do there. But David seemed to (barely) hold his own. The best part had to be when one of the games they played was “Sleepy Mommy.” It was kind of derivative of the game I played during my time abroad in Europe where we would host potlucks but instead of food, we brought whatever was in our medicine cabinets. Still, props to David for carrying on the tradition. Honestly, this is my idea of March Madness, and it’s also a way classier version of beer pong.
“A Little Bit Alexis”
I have never wanted to watch a TV show as much as I want to watch A Little Bit Alexis. Luckily, we at least get the theme song. This song is everything I never knew I needed and SO MUCH MORE. Absolute nothing can ruin this masterpiece for me. I’m totally torn here because I could either write a dissertation on this song, but at the same time, words can’t encompass its genius, so I’ll just let Alexis’ audition speak for itself.
Images: @instadanjlevy / Instagram; John Do, Schitt’s Creek (3), mysticgeek (2) / YouTube