We’re in full-on holiday mode, which means that instead of spending my hard-earned money on
getting shitfaced at happy hour things I actually like to do, I’m spending it on the people I love. Those fucking bitches. And it’s hard to always choose the right gift for people. I mean, sometimes it’s not as easy as buying deodorant for Smelly Melly Melissa in accounting, ya know? Sometimes you have to put a little bit more thought into it. Like, what do I get the friend in my life who’s been with me through all of my blackouts thick and thin? The friend who texts me “drinks later? ;)” at 10am on a Tuesday and who I can always count on to start shit with that bitch who just gave me side-eye? I would try and get her some good sense but, like, where’s the fun in that? Nah. I’ll stick with something she actually needs, like nail polish that doesn’t chip, no matter how shitty she gets at bars. So here are five nail polishes that make the perfect gift for every ratchet bitch you know (including yourself).
While this brand might seem more random than the girl you exchanged numbers with in line for the bathroom last weekend, it’s actually pretty top-notch as far as polishes go. When applied with the weekly top coat, nails can last for a solid 10 days or until it’s socially acceptable to start peeling off your nails out of boredom.
Remember when everyone lost their shit because Essie was coming out with a gel manicure that you could do at home while binge watching shitty reality TV and drinking your weight in Chardonnay? Well, OPI Infinite Shine is even better. It looks, feels, and acts like a gel mani, but you don’t have to go through that annoying AF process of taking it off, because it can easily be removed with regular old nail polish remover. BLESS UP, people.
Speaking of Essie, if you don’t mind
torturing yourself the upkeep of a gel manicure, then by all means, invest in Essie’s Gel Couture Nail Polish. It’s been one of the leading brands in nail polish and for good fucking reason. They have lots of color options, plus their whole thing is you can stay at home and do your own manicure instead of having to put on pants deal with trying to impress people at the nail salon.
If you want to say fuck all the bullshit and buy a product that does the work of three in one, then you should def invest in the latest nail polish from CoverGirl. Not only does this brand have a shitton of color options, but they also combine base coat, nail color, and topcoat into ONE PRODUCT. It’s like there is a God and She’s been watching me waste my paycheck at happy hour and knows how much I love
an easy way out saving my dollars where I can.
Get this for the friend who is constantly lecturing you on her journey to veganism and her new “healthy” lifestyle but then gorges on Big Macs when she’s blackout. Deborah Lippmann is formaldehyde-, toluene-, and dibutyl-free so it’s, like, good for you and shit. Plus it’s supposed to be chip-free and last a little over a week.
I feel like the only reason anyone says they looove summer is because temperatures are finally decent enough to emerge from our six month hibernation and day drink excessively. No one in their right mind actually enjoys the sweltering heat and ditching their all-black attire just so people don’t think they’re emo weirdos. By now, we’ve thankfully retired our rompers, wedges, and obnoxious bright nail polish. It’s my fave time of year where I can step into a nail salon anxiety-free and choose my go-to color without any hesitation because when in doubt, always go black. I swear, I’m like, positive my manicurist said a prayer last week when I chose a color within 30 seconds. I mean, maybe with the exception of matte black, a basic black manicure is honestly so 2000s. Although you’re too lame to try new things or you forget that 10 million other colors exist, fall def offers us a plethora of gothy polish options that are just as cute as black. They’re just as smart as black. People totally like these colors just as much as black. We should all just totally stab black!
Uh, anyway, it’s time to change it up so, here are the really effing cute neutral alternatives to step up your basic black manicure game.
1. Christian Louboutin ‘The Noirs’ Nail Colour In Daffodile
Did anyone else know Christian Louboutin had a nail polish line? Yeah, me neither, but it’s as dramatic and eye-catching as you’d expect. I mean, look at the fucking spike for a cap—amazing. This “daffodile” gray is the complete opposite of the cheery yellow flower (fucking obviously), making it the perfect cool neutral shade that looks good with any skin tone. The nail lacquer applies better than any nail polish you’ve ever tried (bible!) for glossy, long-lasting, chip-resistant results.
2. OPI Nail Lacquer In Coconut Over OPI
A summery light brown still works as the weather cools down because it’s such an edgy nude that honestly works for any time of the year. The toasty taupe is a combo of light gray and beige, making it a light shade that takes on a cooler hue. We all know that OPI is life, otherwise our local nail salon wouldn’t be stocked with it, so your nails will obviously look effortlessly chic regardless of if you DIY or treat yourself to ANC.
3. Nails Inc Nailpure Polish In Prince Arthur Road
Deep navy is like the nicer, less aggressive version of black. It actually has a pigment of color that doesn’t make you look seriously anti-social, but it’s dark enough to claw someone’s eyes out if they
eat your leftovers get on your bad side. It’s neutral and dark enough to *almost* become the new black this fall, so it’ll def go with all the black ankle booties you wear this season.
4. NARS Nail Polish In Chinatown
Honestly, nothing is more betchy than a gorg red manicure. It’s classy, sophisticated, and IDK why, but it just makes you look like a boss-ass bitch. There’s just something about a deep merlot nail in the fall that makes me
drink wine more than usual feel like I have my shit together. It looks fab with every single one of my generic black leggings and Adidas Superstars (persecute me), and yet, it still channels my inner homicidal persona.
5. Jin Soon Nail Polish In Tila
The description literally says “moody” so that’s how you know you’re in the right place. The cross of deep ocean and forest green is seriously v unique if you’re looking for something to spice up your life, and it’s totally not basic yet so you may as well cop this while you can. Jin Soon’s collection is pretty clutch because it dries in like, five seconds and lasts forever compared to the shit you probs buy at Duane Reade.
6. Essie Nail Polish In Sole Mate
Dark purple is my go-to on days I feel like being the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet. A dark plum is a neutral deep purple you can match with surprisingly everything and easily take from fall into the upcoming winter. Essie’s 10/10 nail polish slays the game and will make your next dark mani look just as #flawless as this color.