Dear Erika Jayne, You’re Not The People’s Champ

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is having its best season in years. The scandal revolving around Erika Jayne and her soon-to-be ex-husband Tom Girardi is salacious, shocking, and downright nasty. I know that thanks to Erika’s scandal, this season is a lot more interesting than most. However, after seeing a few of her social media posts, I felt the need to speak up. Erika, you might have brought the heat, but you refused to play the game that we know as Housewives. Let’s get into why her uncontrollable behavior, her constant lies and deflections, and lack of a moral compass to the victims of her husband’s alleged crimes could’ve been the downfall of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this season. 

Let’s start with the fact that Erika is paid a very cute coin to participate in this show willingly. She knows what her job entails and her behavior is hypocritical considering that she, along with the Fox Force Five, held Denise Richards to the fire last year for running away and lying all the time. While Erika might not run away from a conversation, she has made some of her castmates want to jump out of their skin and run into traffic after having a conversation with her. See, Erika doesn’t know how to be a grown adult and have actual conversations about what’s happening in her life. Instead, she cries and whines and flies off the handle when confronted about an issue. When Sutton confronted Erika at Kathy Hilton’s dinner party about her inaccuracies when recounting Tom’s “accident,” Erika went ballistic. First of all, who screams at someone at a dinner party? Let alone at Kathy Hilton’s house. Second of all, Erika knew she was going to be confronted with this, because this wasn’t her first time having this type of discussion with Sutton. How can you pretend to be surprised when none of your stories add up? Especially when you’re adding allegedly at the end of every story. You mean to tell me that Tom (allegedly) got into an accident (allegedly) and broke his hip (allegedly) and injured his brain (allegedly). Your son (allegedly) found him in a ditch (allegedly) in the middle of the forest? “Allegedly?” Girl, this is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, not mad libs. 

Let’s also address the fact that none of Erika’s stories make sense. Every time she talks about her situation, she adds new details—a telltale sign someone might be lying. First, she said Tom was found in a ditch in the middle of the forest. She goes on to say that she refused doctors’ orders for him to go into surgery for an “ankle-related injury” because his brain injury could be “affected” by the anesthesia, which was later disproved by fellow Housewife and anesthesiologist Dr. Tiffany Moon. Then, she tells us that Tom’s house was broken into (which was true) but then she says that the robbers attacked him and that her son went over to help and then ended up in a car accident on his way back home, due to snow. Not just any car accident, oh no, it couldn’t just be ANY car accident; she tells us that her son flipped over five times in the snow. Strangely enough, there actually was snow in the LA area at the time, but it seems doubtful that it was really enough to cause a big car accident. See, Erika can’t seem to keep up with her endless stories. She adds the word “allegedly” at the end of every story that she was “there” for. She constantly twists the narrative to make it seem like anyone who raises any eyebrows to her situation is a villain and that she is the victim here. 

Speaking of victims, let’s talk about the actual victims in this case. Tom Girardi is being accused of some downright disgusting shit. Allegedly (I got you, Erika), he took money from burn victims, orphans, and widows (it makes you feel sick) and from just about a good chunk of his clients. Supposedly (we love a synonym), Tom used this money to fund his extravagant lifestyle, which included the lifestyle of Erika Jayne. Now, here is where Erika loses people. Erika refuses to show any sympathy; instead, we get many scenes of her crying about how f*cked up her life is. As Garcelle said in a confessional, “What about these poor victims that have nothing and now have less?” Girl, I promise you if you can afford to live in LA, pay for glam, and pay for extravagant and rather expensive outfits amid these lawsuits, then you’re good. You might not be where you once were, but you’re not the actual victim here. On another note, you’re not the reason why the show is spectacular this season. If it wasn’t for Sutton and Garcelle constantly questioning your lies, we would’ve been stuck watching you push out a narrative that we know isn’t true. If it wasn’t for Kathy Hilton and her quick one-liners, the whole season would’ve revolved around you giving us the same old rehearsed confessional reads that you give us every season. You didn’t bring your A game this season; the success of the season isn’t because of you. 

I wish Erika had shown more sympathy toward the actual victims. I wish she didn’t go out of her way to attack anyone who contested her unbelievable stories inundated with inaccuracies and faulty timelines. You can’t proclaim to be “the people’s champ”, when you can’t even tell “the people” the whole truth. If you couldn’t speak your truth due to legalities, then you shouldn’t have signed up for another season of the show.  But then again, it is “XXPEN$IVE” to be you, especially with all the money you’re going to have to pay back to these poor victims. Allegedly.

Image: Nicole Weingart/Bravo

The Worst Real Housewives Taglines Of All Time

Everyone knows the best part of a new season of Real Housewives is hearing all of their ridiculous taglines. Some of them are actually really good, (ahem, all of Lisa Vanderpump’s) but most of them are cringeworthy, the same sort of thing over and over, or straight-up embarrassing. Like, how many of them say something along the lines of “I live in this city, it is my city” (I mean, no sh*t) or, “I have a family that is important”? However, the bland ones cancel each other out, and I went on a mission to find some of the worst taglines of all time. Please add ones you despise in the comments. There were so many good/bad ones that it was tough to choose!

Erika Girardi, Beverly Hills, Season 6

What the actual f*ck is this? It means literally nothing. I think she’s supposed to be referencing this World War II speech from Winston Churchill, saying Russia’s actions are “a riddle wrapped in mystery inside an enigma”. First of all, that is wordy, but it at least makes sense. But for a Housewives tagline, this is a weird thing to draw inspo from, to put it mildly. I will give Erika this: she is definitely an enigma. But in more of a what-drugs-is-this-woman-taking way. (Honestly, the same could be said of many of the Housewives.)

Jo De La Rosa, Orange County, Season 1

Oh my God, does Orange County have some of the worst Housewives taglines, especially from Season 1! I almost did Kimberly Bryant’s, where she says “85% of women in OC have breast implants”, but I’m from there, and that is unfortunately true. I call it the OC Special to get the same boobs and nose as everyone else, because they all go to the same three surgeons, so it’s like attack of the clones. It’s a creepy place. Anyway, speaking of creepy, I went with Jo’s, because this tagline is so creepy, with or without context. Considering Slimeball Slade was holding Jo hostage during their relationship, all I can think is, he’s keeping you where, his basement? Thankfully, Jo peaced the f*ck out of that one, and in a fun karmic twist, Slade is now broke and is Gretchen Rossi’s bitch.

Melissa Gorga, New Jersey, Season 8

Okay, so this is supposed to be a pun because her clothing store is named Envy. But like, Mel, do you know the meaning of the word envy? That’s just… not how it works. You cannot envy yourself. The fact that I even have to explain this to you tells me that you did not have a clear grasp on the definition of this word when you decided to dedicate your professional life to it. I find this VERY ANNOYING.

Alexis Bellino, Orange County, Season 6

Oh, Jesus Jugs herself. All of her taglines were creepy, but this one is the worst by far. Like, first of all, your body is plastic. Also, your “king” was a creep who left you. Also, it is soooooooooooooo creepy to use God and a sexual innuendo in the same breath. Please stop. I also really hate super religious people who are like, “God can do no wrong, but let me cut up my whole body and fill it with silicone bags because it wasn’t good enough.” (Again, I bring you Orange County.)

Joyce Giraud, Beverly Hills, Season 4

This one is just f*cking yikes all around. Has Joyce heard of eating disorders? It doesn’t help that I already hated, *HATED* her, but how asinine can you be? Especially in LA, where people are always trying to get thinner in unhealthy ways (disorders, surgery, drugs), like maybe have a teeny bit of social awareness? I feel like the producers would definitely not let this one slide in 2019. Also, “you can never be too young”? Like yes, you can, just ask R. Kelly.

Kristen Taekman, New York City, Season 6

Why are so many of the worst Housewives taglines from season 6? It’s just a dark time if you make that far in a show, I guess? (CC: Vanderpump Rules.This is actually what I would consider THE WORST TAGLINE OF ALL TIME. I mean, wow, what a time for feminism with this moron walking around. Even more concerning, she has a daughter. I could not believe when I heard this. Especially because Kristen says it in like a whiny, weird way. Like, “but I’m PREEEEEEEETTTTYYYY”, like she’s talking to a small child who has had part of their brain removed. Or maybe like she is the small child with part of her brain removed. But she’s preeeeeeettttty.

Images: NBCU; Giphy (6)