The Bachelor in Paradise season 5 cast is out! I do realize I wrote about this show earlier this week and you may be thinking, “how can this girl write about Bachelor in Paradise again? Isn’t she sick of it?” But do you really think I can’t come up with a few more ways to say how much I enjoy watching people get drunk and hook up on TV? My, how you underestimate me. Hit me back up on my deathbed, and I’ll still be talking about Deanie Babies two-timing a Russian orphan.
People magazine, which I have renamed People Who Pay For Shitty Exclusives magazine, revealed the full Bachelor in Paradise season 5 cast yesterday, and it includes a lot of familiar faces that were on the show for a while, along with some people whose time at the mansion was shorter than their appointment for eyelash extensions. You can read the People story to see the full list and the exclusive cast photos that are slightly less offensive than the ones ABC posts on their website before each season. Which just means they weren’t taken at the last remaining Sears location—all we can really ask for at this point. As mentioned previously, there are a lot of people we know on this list, so I’m going to use this article to take a look at people we might not remember for various reasons, one of them being that the cast member doesn’t speak English. Here are the most random people in the Bachelor in Paradise season 5 cast. Somebody DM me their agents’ info.
I literally have no memory of this girl from Nick Viall’s season. It could have been my own personal fixation on Nick’s lisp that made it difficult for me to focus on literally anything else, but also I have a feeling she didn’t last that long. And after a quick browse of her sparsely followed Instagram, here’s what I’ve gathered: Angela posted no pictures from her season, she does not have an endorsement deal with FabFitFun, and one of the few Bachelor Nation contestants she hangs out with is THE TICKLE MONSTER. So yeah, this looks promising. I think I speak for all of us when I say the following about Angela:
Annaliese was from Arie’s season, so you probably do remember her. But I would be remiss if I did not remind people that Annaliese is the one who had an emotional breakdown over a bumper car trauma in her past, and she had a bad experience with a dog. Expect her to be the lonely one drowning her sorrows with tequila shots. Unless, of course, she’s also had a tequila trauma.
Eric! I’m so happy to see your smile and beard here. Eric came in third on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette, and since I don’t feel hot rage flowing through my veins while looking at his face, he must not have done anything too offensive on her season. I do recall thinking he was like a big kid so I hope that these women don’t rip him to shreds for more Instagram followers.
John’s going to be bugging everyone to Venmo him for the drinks. They’ll pay you eventually John, just chill!
(Before you comment, Kenny’s real last name is apparently Layne, and King is his stage name. And this is why I have trust issues.) K. Kenny was the wrestler on Rachel’s season who had to bear the brunt of Lee’s racist comments. He was also a single dad, so he certainly deserves a free trip to Mexico on ABC’s dime. Plus his daughter looked like a full adult so I’m sure she’s old enough to throw a rager watch herself while he’s seducing some ladies on a beach.
If you all didn’t waste 12 hours of your life on The Bachelor: Winter Games like I did, you might not know that Kevin is from the Canadian Bachelor. But, TBH his claim to fame is that he took the virginity of everyone’s favorite human faucet, Ashley I. I’m sure he’ll be disappointed to hear that the only virgin in Paradise will be Colton. Or maybe not! Who am I to judge?!
I just don’t know how he’ll survive a climate too hot for his tracksuit.
Yuki was the most adorable cast member on The Bachelor: Winter Games, but there is a 100% chance that she doesn’t understand English. And she’s going to be the bartender! May God have mercy on their souls. And their livers.
Less randoms and people who you do not need to see a gif of to remember who they are include: Astrid Loch, Bibiana Juliana, Chelsea Roy,
Chicken Guy David Ravitz, Grocer Joe Amabile, Jordan Kimball, Kendall Long, Krystal Nielson, Nysha Norris, and Tia Booth. And Wells is also back as one of the bartenders.
So there’s your sampling of Bachelor in Paradise Season 5 cast! There’s no way this is the final list—if I had to guess, there will be more men from Becca’s season that just haven’t been eliminated yet, plus a few other women not included here. Seriously though, if Bekah M. doesn’t show up it’s because she actually did go missing. Can’t wait!
Images: giphy (9);
Finally, the day has come. We actually know wtf Bachelor Winter Games is, and it might be the craziest Bachelor-related franchise yet. I definitely went into this one thinking there was a high chance it would be boring, but I have to tell ya, after watching last night’s premier, I might like Winter Games more than this entire season of The Bachelor so far. Blame it on Arie.
The premise is simple: hot people from around the world who were insane enough to go on some version of The Bachelor franchise all meet (here in the U.S. because, duh) to try and hook up with each other. Also there are like, mild sports.
The Opening Ceremonies
Like in any good opening ceremony, team U.S.A is overhyped and has like a billion more people than everyone else. God bless.
Ben Higgins is on his phone for the entirety of the parade, which I love. To remind us that he’s all heartbroken and shit, they cut to footage of him sitting alone next to an empty armchair staring sadly off into space. This is exactly what I need.
Josiah: I came off as self-centered last season.
Also Josiah: Let me kiss my amazing body.
Clare saying that she retired from The Bachelor but not Bachelor Winter Games, is exactly the same as me every time I go back on my word and get back with a dude I said was trash: “I said I wouldn’t *date* him again, but we’re actually not dating. We’re just hanging out constantly and exclusively having sex with each other. There is a difference.”
Now we finally get to the part everyone has actually been waiting for, aka, the international competitors.
First, we meet Yuki from Japan, who does not speak English. I feel like it’ll be hard to meet your fiancé without speaking the same language as him, but then again Colin Firth did it in Love, Actually so who knows.
Yuki informs us that she knows the words “thank you” ,“okay”, “hello” “goodbye”, “I love you”, and “Will you marry me?” which is honestly the net vocabulary of many Bachelor contestants I can think of so she’ll be fine.
Here come the nice guys, aka the Canadians. The Canadian team is bringing several different flavors of Canadian, including French Canadian Benoit (that sounds like a Star Wars name, but whatever), and hot Kevin, who looks exactly like Tom Brady but with slightly stupider hair.
Next we meet Zoe from China. Chris Harrison wastes no time telling us that they do NOT have sex on the Chinese Bachelor. In fact, they barely kiss. So I guess the Chinese Bachelor is boring as fuck.
Next we meet the one British woman, Lara, who looks exactly like Martha May Whovier from the Jim Carrey Grinch movie. TBH I was low-key disappointed that the woman standing next to her dressed as the Queen wasn’t the contestant.
So I guess Team Australia is the LGBTQ component of these games? On the one hand, we have Tiffany, who they waste no time telling us is bi. On the other, we have Courtney (male), who set my gaydar fully ablaze within .5 seconds of hearing him yell, “Hellooooooooo thank you for having us this is amaaaazinggg!”
Team Swedens and Finland are predictably hot and beautiful. If an American woman doesn’t kill one of these gorgeous Nordic bitches by the end of this then I guess I don’t know what America stands for.
Holy shit this clip of The Bachelor Finland makes it look dramatic as fuck. IDK if it’s this dude’s gravelly voice or the fact that I don’t have a clue what he’s saying, but I am entranced.
Chris Harrison: Lily from Team New Zealand is going to shake things up this season!
Translation: Lily is a messy bitch who lives for drama and she will make Ashley I cry at some point.
Also on Team New Zealand: Ally, who has a tattoo of a sloth on her ass because she’s…chronically constipated? No clue.
Christian is from Germany AND Switzerland and has been on both Bachelors. Christian is clearly a psychopath.
Christian: I’ve dated women from everywhere! Of every color! If someone is beautiful why not date them?!
Translation: I’ve got hoes in different area codes.
Seriously though, you know when a guy starts out talking about his dick diversity you’ve got a fuckboy on your hands. I’m watching you, Christian.
long and boring parade of countries comes to and end, and for some reason Santa is there? I guess he is kind of the king of winter?
Wow okay so Yuki told us 5 minutes ago she doesn’t speak English, and then hits the random Santa with an “I want present!” What else is she lying about?
To everyone who actually put their hands over their hearts when off-brand Chrissy Teigen sung the Bachelor anthem: You have brought dishonor on your home country.
Nobody has any clue that Trista and Ryan are the first ever Bachelor couple when they went up on stage, or why they’re carrying a lantern. TBH I am also confused by the lantern.
Ashley I: I’ve been friendzoned by all the American guys.
Translation: Everyone in the U.S. knows I’m nuts.
The Cocktail Party
All the foreign men start showing off at their different language skills while the American men try to remember even one thing from their American Sign Language unit in elementary school.
Zoe (China): All the men are so tall!
Translation: I’m in fucking heaven.
Chris Harrison takes a moment to acknowledge that there are clearly other Chris Harrisons in the international Bachelors, but does not acknowledge that he surely kills them all after every season to make sure they don’t get too powerful.
Yuki is employing the same tactic that I use when I don’t know wtf is going on in a conversation—smiling, screaming, and then just kind of pointing to my cheeks.
Lesley: What initially attracted me to Dean is his face.
Bachelor Nation: Same Lesley, same.
Casual reminder that Lesley just went through the extremely difficult and emotional process of getting a double mastectomy and if Dean does to her what he did to Russian orphan Kristina I swear to GOD!!!
That said, Yuki does appear to be going for Dean and if that happens I wish them the best of luck.
Ashley I is already out here gearing up for a freakout. As a general rule, anyone who says they’re “not going to cry” on The Bachelor will cry by the next commercial break. They call this Iaconetti’s Law, and it’s a rule of physics basically.
The New Zealand Bachelor people seem fun as fuck. Like, I would hang out with both of them.
Josiah: You have a fat ass.
Ally: You are black.
*Both immediately start making out (or, as Ally calls it, “having a cheeky little snog”)**
This Kevin-Bibi-Ashley I love triangle is a recipe for disaster. I love it.
Clare also makes out with Benoit in the kitchen because like, he speaks French and can cook so you gotta lock that down.
This entire game basically comes down to one thing: Do you know how to ski? If you don’t, you’re fucked.
Josiah: I hope Ally wins so i can get a date!
Ally: *Falls and breaks her ass immediately*
I’m actually embarrassed that a Canadian shot better than an American. Shooting is our thing. Luke is a fucking soldier. What a disgrace to the flag.
Eric not being able to ski for shit but still smiling his whole way down the mountain should be enough for every woman to turn around and declare him her soulmate but, alas, Chris Harrison is the only one who sees.
Yuki, who they clearly brought along specifically because she doesn’t speak english and the producers think it is funny, still does not speak english. Groundbreaking.
The two hottest people (Kevin and Rebecca from Sweden) win the game, as they should.
Kevin: Bibiana I choose you.
Ashley I’s Tear Ducts:
Ashley I’s actual face:
It reminds me of that time Scheana said on Vanderpump Rules, “I would smile, but the Botox is not letting me.” But if you replace “smile” with “cry” and you get it.
Calling it now: Benoit is too pure for this show. Benoit, you’re from Canadian Bachelor. You don’t know shit. Get out while you still can.
Clare: I wouldn’t normally kiss in front of people!
Also Clare: *has been on three different versions of the same reality dating show*
My only feeling going into this rose ceremony is that someone had better pick Yuki and that she’s the only one I care about.
Yuki: Dean, please me rose ?
Me: Can Yuki run in 2020?
^This face is too pure for this
Chris Harrison comes in and drops a bomb: This isn’t regular Bachelor, this is BACHELOR SURVIVOR — we’re voting people off bitches!!!
Now everyone has one cocktail party to go around and convince everyone they’re not a piece of shit. Amazing.
It’s pretty obvious to me this British lady only hates Josiah because he didn’t pay enough attention to her.
Ally: Other girls in the house are saying you’re here for the wrong reasons…
Josiah: *eyes go completely black* Tell me who.
Yuki is the best at negotiating for herself because she is the most direct. She’s basically just saying “Like for like?” and everyone agrees. I respect that.
90% sure I’ve seen RuPaul wear Courtney’s exact outfit on Drag Race, and I also respect that.
Ashley I is wearing lingerie — respect all around, honestly. Infinite respect to everyone in the house.
Me: Ugh, Clare is totally going to play sweet innocent Benoit, isn’t she?
Clare: *Plays Benoit immediately*
Christian: You’re the most beautifulest woman in the house.
It’s weird that Christian is so uptight about Clare kissing when he was the guy who has been on two different Bachelors in two different countries and started the day by saying he has fucked across the globe. Just sayin….
The Rose Ceremony
Finally we get to the actual rose ceremony. I was worried there wouldn’t be actual roses because of this whole voting thing, but there are — thank God.
We lose Eric (WHYYY), Zoe (China), Lara (Whoville, U.K.), Jamey (Who??), and Lauren, who was apparently on Arie’s season and literally nothing better to do than return to a Bachelor show and be eliminated.
I can’t stop thinking about how poor Zoe has to fly back to fucking China now. That’s a 15 hour flight!!!!!
Yuki is the final clip because, obviously that’s what they brought her here for. Her willingness to admit that she gives no fucks about having a big heart and “likes face only,” is refreshing.
The moral of today’s episode: The Bachelor has, once again, slept on Eric. We do not deserve him!!!