Are you a Friends addict who simply can’t be satiated by the reruns on Netflix? Already been to all of the Central Perk pop ups across the country? Well, we have huge news for you. A crime was committed in the UK earlier in the week and in a way it’s sort of like an across-the-pond Friends reboot!
England’s Blackpool Police department posted a video of a man stealing a case of beer from a local convenience shop. The good citizens of Twitter immediately pointed out how much the thief looked like Ross from Friends.
They aren’t wrong. In fact, they’re so right that even David Schwimmer(Ross IRL) chimed in.
Officers, I swear it wasn’t me.
As you can see, I was in New York.
To the hardworking Blackpool Police, good luck with the investigation.#itwasntme pic.twitter.com/EDFF9dZoYR— schwim (@DavidSchwimmer) October 24, 2018
I know crime isn’t supposed to be fun, but this is very fun. I wish all crimes were this petty and all criminals were celebrity doppelgängers. Show me videos of off-brand Ariana Grande running a red light or a Chris Pratt lookalike charged for disorderly conduct.
Luckily for Schwimmer, Blackpool’s police corroborated his claim that he was in NYC at the time and he couldn’t have bene the one to do this. However, I think it’s only responsible to see where Rachel’s former beau Russ was and see if he has a strong alibi.
Russ always seems pretty shady to me…
Anyways, I kind of don’t care if they find the criminal but if they do, I say let him go. He’s brought us enough joy during this hell week that we ought to overlook his human desire for a few brewskis.
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Among a lot of other shitty things, 2017 is officially the year of clusterfuck festivals. It all started with the disaster to end all disasters—Fyre Festival, where thousands of rich millennials had to sleep in refugee tents in a hurricane surrounded by feral dogs and no actual music acts. I mean, it was terrible but also, lol. That’s what happens when you pay $100K for a festival put on by an early 2000s rapper. The latest fuckup fest took place across the pond in England at Cheese Fest, where a shit ton of cheese lovers came out to embrace in their passion for raclette, mozzarella and gouda—oh my! But things went horribly awry.
What happened at Cheese Fest? Were attendees served a slice of Kraft singles on a piece of Wonderbread passed off as a gourmet meal? No. It was worse. They ran out of cheese. I repeat, the cheese festival ran out of cheese. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ENGLAND.
Look… Were people endangered by being flown to island with no proper food or shelter during a tropical storm? No. But they were promised cheese and they didn’t get it. That’s worse, IMO. In addition to a cheese-less festival of cheese, there were crazy long lines. But like, what were y’all in line for? There wasn’t any cheese. In response to the freak out over lack of cheese, the organizers claimed they didn’t expect such a high demand for cheese. Oh really? At the fucking Cheese Fest? That’s like the Fyre Festival organizers saying they didn’t plan on people wanting to hear music or not die in a hurricane.
Here’s the lesson, people: Host your own fucking cheese fest. Publix has a nice cheese aisle with all you’ll ever need and you won’t run out (#NotAnAd). Fucking duh. Oh, and just a friendly reminder to never go to any event hosted by Ja Rule.
Earlier this year, Italy tried to scare the shit out of us and say that they were probs going to run out of prosecco soon because we’re all drinking so much of it and they can’t keep up. Tbh, I don’t remember when they said this tragedy could happen, because I repressed it from my memory. All that matters is they haven’t run out yet, and I know this because I currently have three bottles of Lamarca in my fridge. Personally, I think this is cause to celebrate and the UK agrees with me, because they’re throwing a big prosecco festival in London this spring and we’re all fucking going because it’s a trip abroad and an excuse to get Champagne wasted.
This shindig is called Prosecco Springs and it’s literally just a bunch of prosecco producers offering up tastings, masterclasses—basically, classes that will teach you how to be a Prosecco douchebag—and some sort of prosecco pop-up store. The best part is that a festival session is only $45 and that includes a glass of bubbly from all of the eight prosecco makers who are going to be there. Is this real life? You can pay an extra $60 for the masterclass if you’re boujee af. But like, that’s still super cheap. I’ll probably spend more money at one bar this weekend than the price of a ticket for this festival. It’s cheap enough to distract you from how much a flight to London actually costs.
So go ahead and buy your tickets because god knows betches will flock to this alcoholic wonderland from all over the globe and probably cause that very shortage of prosecco they warned us about.
