There’s nothing I love more than when my friends tell me they’re getting married. I so look forward to spending money on an outfit, hotel, travel, and gifts—the thought of spending a cool two grand on the wedding weekend alone just delights me. Being hit by such crippling loneliness that I’m left crying into my wine at the end of the night, only to be consoled by the bartender (until his shift ends) gives me life. And the real high point of my life is the day after wedding hangover buffet where I can decide between gorging myself to death on bacon or inhaling the not-so-short stack of pancakes (spoiler alert: I choose them both). And what brings about this beautiful chain of events? THE ENGAGEMENT SHOOT. Engagement photos are the newest way to showcase your love and devotion for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and are also the reason why I drink. It’s not enough that I have to watch you gush over your #mcm on Instagram every goddamn day, but now you want me to have a permanent memento of your love and, like, what? Hang it on my fridge? The most sacred spot in my home aside from my bed and the couch? You monster. I have enough engagement photos hanging on my fridge rn, judging me with their happiness every time I contemplate eating a jar of icing and drinking a bottle of wine for dinner. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. So if you want me, the person who will be permanently stationed at the open bar and will probably drunkenly make out with your fiancé’s much younger brother, to come to your wedding then here’s the six things you need to stop doing ASAP.
1. Wearing Matching Outfits
Honestly, I understand the thought process behind matching outfits for the engagement photos. You’re trying to send a message like, “we’re a unit now” and, “I have forfeited all of my individual thoughts and opinions to be with this person.” It’s v romantic. But when I see two adults in cream colored ensembles posing on a beach all I can think is “siblings posing for the family Christmas card.” It looks less romantic and more as if behind the scenes, their mother is threatening to take away their data plans if they don’t SMILE AND LOOK LIKE THEY’RE HAVING A GOOD TIME. This isn’t Game of Thrones, incest vibes don’t hold up here. They are neither appreciated nor accepted on my fridge, so cut that shit out.
2. Costume Themes
I will never understand why two grown adults think it’s a good idea to dress up in cosplay to show the world they’re mature enough to get married for their engagement photos. It ranks right up there with the matching outfits thing. Do you think you’re unique because you have a wand in your photo and “always” is part of your wedding hashtag? Do you know who else owns a wand and is incorporating lines from a children’s book into their wedding vows? Anyone who was born between the years 1985-2000 and had working eyes and ears, that’s who. Newsflash: broadcasting how much of a Potterhead you are in your engagement photos does not make you unique or quirky, it just makes me want to take shots.
3. Intimate Poses
People who treat their engagement photo like a personal ad for Playboy are the fucking worst. First of all, if your favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey, that’s embarrassing enough. Why must you now recreate it for your closest friends and family? It’s like you WANT me to claw my eyes out or something.The last thing I want to see when I’m deciding between pints of ice cream is you and your fiancé engaging in foreplay in with the words “save the date” below your groping hands. If I wanted to see alarming levels of PDA I’d replay the finale of The Bachelorette. NOPE. I’m not here for it.
4. Anything With Camo
I can’t with a couple who wears camo. When I see camo all I can think is “budget wedding” and “there will be a beer run halfway through the ceremony.” Srsly can’t wait. They usually caption their engagement photo with something like “the hunt is over” which leads me to believe that their engagement came about after they ran out of matches on Tinder and reconnected with each other through a 2am Facebook DM. I, mean, the hunt is over? This isn’t The Hunger Games, it’s your love story, for God’s sake. Quit being so fucking dramatic. I already know that if I attend this wedding I can expect the venue to be exploding with mason jars and people who hate Obamacare but love the ACA. Sounds lit, will 100 percent be there.
5. The Psycho Stare
You know the one I’m talking about. The close-up shot where he’s either looking at her or off into the distance and she’s staring straight at the camera with her ring pointed like a deadly weapon. She’s got that look in her eyes that says she may or may not have killed for this ring and if you don’t show up to her wedding with a mid- to high-priced item from her registry you’ll be next. It’s fucking frightening. Also, when the bride-to-be inevitably makes every single one of her Facebook friends want to unfriend her puts up all 250 photos from the engagement shoot, the guy always looks like a prisoner of war. Always. It makes me want to be like, dude, blink once if you want to be here, twice if you’re being held against your will.
6. Animal Props
We get it, you have a fiancé AND a dog and I’m still buying crop tops at Forever21. Congratu-fucking-lations. You win at life. If you have a dog, FINE, I guess you can put him in your engagement photos. I can pick my battles here. My real issue is with the people who get fucking elaborate with their photos and add, like, a horse into the mix. The whole setup is extremely awkward. They’re always leaning on the animal or feeding it a snack while looking at each other and laughing like they have a fucking secret. It’s v unsettling. And the girl who would use an animal as a prop—let’s call her Jennifer—is usually the same girl who held a special meeting during sorority recruitment to blackball the horse freak from making it to the next round because Jennifer had a feeling that she “wouldn’t fit in.” Oh, how the tides have turned, Jennifer. HOW THE TIDES HAVE TURNED.
Unfortunately this isn’t an April Fool’s joke, and it’s too early for 4/20, but the New York Post (sigh) just published an article called “Why I Won’t Date Hot Women Anymore” which is exactly as obnoxious and anger-inducing as it sounds. I mean, before we even get into the article, we’re pretty sure the #1 reason he won’t date hot women is because they don’t want to date him. But that’s just an educated guess. Like, the article should really be called “Why I won’t date hot women that don’t want to date me anymore”. But before we get into things, I’d recommend taking a Lipitor or some other medication that lowers your blood pressure, because if not you’re probably going to have a rage blackout. Don’t say I didn’t wart you.
The article highlights 40-year-old decidedly not-hot man, Dan Rochkind, and his change of heart when it comes to hot supermodel girlfriends—because all of us were definitely wondering. He talks about how he used to date models, but now, because he’s just such a charitable and nice guy, he downgraded to women who are just regularly beautiful. I think I speak for all of the non-model female population when I say, thank you Dan, for your contributions to womankind. If I had the authority to do so, I’d nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize. But alas, I’m probably not hot enough.
Anyway, Dan is now engaged to a run-of-the-mill gorgeous woman without a modeling contract. Here’s how he describes his now-fiancée:
“ is a softer beauty, someone you can take home and cuddle with, and she’s very elegant,” Rochkind says. “And she’s 5-foot-2, so she can’t be a runway model, but I think she’s really beautiful and is prettier than anyone I’ve dated.”
Wow, I bet she must be so flattered. And really, our hearts and prayers go out to Dan, deigning to date a woman who is too short to be a runway model. We are here for you and your second chin in this trying time.
“I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation” https://t.co/AhlGGUPKQa
— New York Post (@nypost) April 13, 2017
Basically this article is like a “where are they now” for guys who followed Neil Strauss in their 20’s. They thought they could trick insecure hot girls into dating them, and once everyone figured out these dudes were just assholes all along, the girls got bored and dumped them. And now they’ve decided to blame the hot girls for things not working out. Okay sure, checks out. Here’s a quote from the article on why he doesn’t like hot girls: “’the prettiest young things had its drawbacks — he found them flighty, selfish and vapid.’” Please Dan, tell us more about how these girls are “selfish” and “vapid”, as you pose with your beer for a New York Post article about how you refuse to date hot women.
But don’t worry, in the name of #feminism, the article also details a couple of women who
are delusional have sworn off hot guys—one of whom is 23 years old and clearly takes herself way too seriously, looking for guys who “makes the most out of their lives” despite the fact that she herself has been alive for less than a quarter of a century. She works in PR and is from New Jersey, though, so it kind of makes sense why she sucks so much.
But back to Dan, the real hero of the article. It says, “Dan Rochkind used to date swimsuit models, but he’s happier now that he’s engaged to a merely beautiful woman, Carly Spindel.” We wouldn’t be surprised if he called her “merely beautiful” in their wedding vows. What do you think the difference between being “hot” and “merely beautiful” to Dan is? We bet it has something to do with being able to see through his bullshit.
Somehow we can’t imagine there are any Victoria’s Secret models out there brokenhearted and hoping Dan will change his stance on dating hot people. We’re also pretty convinced his fiancée is only dating him because he’s gaslighting her into thinking she’s not actually hot. Like, she’s a regulation hottie by all standards. Except for his, obviously.
Honestly, we all know guys like Dan and girls like Carly, and it’s time we stop minding our own business and put a stop to this shit. Tell your friends they’re hot. Don’t let their boyfriends tell them, for instance, they would be so much hotter if they were just a little taller. And it goes without saying, but stop dating these assclowns who think they’re doing you a favor by dating you. Please. Can you imagine finding out your friend is engaged to a self-absorbed prick who says shit like “I could have I wanted” on record to a fucking newspaper right before he gets married? Just think about what will happen if his fiancée, like, gets gray hair, or—God forbid—gains a little weight and is knocked down a peg from “merely beautiful” to “just cute” or something. I would kind of love to read a follow-up article a few years into their marriage, or even just right after Carly reads what the NY Post and her own fucking fiancé said about her looks. Unlike Carly, I have a feeling it’s not gonna be pretty.
Anyway. Carly. Girl. If you’re reading this, blink twice if you need help.
Sometimes shit happens and your main betch catches feelings for her fuck buddy, and then her fuck buddy becomes her boyfriend and then her boyfriend becomes her fiancé and oh god, you’re going to die alone with 100 cats, aren’t you?? Chill, betch. We’re here for you. Your best friend getting married is a tough time—for you, not for that lucky bitch. You may be thinking “How could she betray me like this? Should I download Bumble? Apply to be the next Bachelorette?” Well we can’t all be Rachel, so you’ll have to put that last idea on the backburner for at least 2 seasons. But don’t worry because we’re here to commiserate. We don’t have any actual advice, but we do know exactly what you’ll be going through. Check out the video below for the roller coaster of emotions you go through when you find out your bestie got engaged (we know, it’s like we’re in your head).
For more love advice, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies: How To Find Love And Shit Like That.