If Stacy and Clinton taught us anything, it was to not be fat, poor, or shittily dressed. Those same What Not To Wear OG show rules can and should be applied to your upcoming engagement photo shoot. If you don’t want to appear tacky in your save the dates (and future Facebook/Insta/Twitter profile pics AND holiday cards for the foreseeable future), there are lots of like, rules for what not to wear in your engagement photo shoot. To avoid looking fat, like a tablecloth, poor, or generally not cute in these v important pics, follow these rules and do not commit these fashion offenses.

1. Outfits You’ve Literally Never Worn Before

Now is not the time for fear for you to try on a brand new puffy shoulder trend or cold shoulder shit you’ve never seen yourself in. You want to look like you in your pics, so it isn’t the best time to break out the brand new shit you just bought. Wear something in which you feel comfortable, confident, and like yourself.

2. Matching Shit

Don’t. Nothing photographs worse than two people in matching plaid, or denim, or his and hers outfits. No one finds that shit cute. That shit is TACKY. Plus, according to photographers, if you and your SO are matching, it can be hard to discern who’s who in a photo—morphing your bodies into an amorphous blob capable of ruining small cities.

3. Six Different Outfits

You’re going to be tired and stressed and trying to remember to smile and getting real overwhelmed with the photographer telling you to stare at your SO and try not to laugh or sneeze or burp or whatever. Changing several times will give you way too many different photo looks and will stress you out. Having two to three outfits is perfect—don’t go for more than that.

4. Big Patterns

If you’re petite, you already know the rules about big, loud patterns. Do you want to look like you’ve been drowned in a 70s curtain? Nope. Also, a big pattern will move the focus from you and your SO and more onto the loud Anthropologie printed dress that may have worked for someone with Emily Ratajkowski’s body but like, not yours, sweetie.

5. Anything With Logos

The things you wear in your engagement photos should be things you wouldn’t be embarrassed to walk around a trendy European country in. If you know anything about, say, Parisian street style, you know that they find logos and graphic tees loud, tacky, and quintessentially American (and not in a good way). Apply these rules to your engagement photos, and pretend you’re trying to impress a bunch of snotty French style watchers. Plus, you’ll look like a walking advertisement for GAP or Nike in 10 years when you look back at them. Nobody wants that.

6. Ill-Fitting Clothes

Don’t think that this is your big moment to break out the high school jeans you still pretend to fit into. Likewise, don’t wear something you know swims on you in an attempt to look skinny (I feel you, but don’t). The camera captures everything, including your muffin top. Don’t embarrass your parents (again). And as far as too-big shit is concerned, if it needs to be hemmed at the leg, folded over your wrist, or constantly adjusted so as to not fall off, skip it. If you want to look 10 pounds heavier, be my guest.

7. Athleisure

Unless you two met at yoga and now own a yoga studio and like, literally live and breathe fucking yoga, please don’t wear your athleisure outfit to your photoshoot. Lululemon can wait till after the shoot is over. These pics are the harbingers of your wedding. They are destined to be on fridges, coffee tables, garbages, and other places of honor in people’s homes. Don’t ruin the integrity of these expensive snaps with leggings.

8. Neon Anything

This went out of style several years ago (thank God), and you should have donated it all to the poor and unfashionable anyway. If, for some reason, you really need to wear neon yellow or green in your engagement photos (are you in a laser tag arena?), rethink it. They create weird colors on your skin, making you look oddly pale or orangey tan. If you’re going for a “vampire that likes to rave” thing, though, go for it.

9. Orange

Just don’t. Photographers say it’s literally the most unphotogenic color. Plus, you’ll look like prisoners which, if you are, maybe go for it, and I can’t wait to see you both on an upcoming episode of Prison Wives.

Images: Giphy (3)

Wedding season is supposedly during the summer, but just when you thought that gag-worthy shit was over comes fall—another time that’s considered wedding season. Before the wedding planning, there’s a ton of crying over the new engagement ring you can’t stop obnoxiously showing off to everyone who has the misfortune of coming within a three-foot radius of you. We get it. You have bling worth more than my life savings, and you finally found someone who still wants to be with you even after they’ve seen what you look like  six tequila shots deep. Amazing. But, as you can tell from your Pinterest boards, showing off your engagement ring is just as important as like, the marriage license itself. You need the right caption (for the love of God and all that is holy, do not write, “He put a ring on it!!”), the right lighting, and of course, the perfect mani to go with it. Need help getting triple-digit likes? You’ve come to the right person, obvs. Here are the best nail polish colors you need to enhance that rock of yours, so all your followers die of jealousy.

If Your Ring Is Rose Gold, You Need…

Red

It’s in the pink family, so without getting matchy-matchy, opt for the perfect crimson red to really bring out the pink accents of your rose gold ring, you basic bride-to-be, you. With just the right amount of shine, it’ll even reflect off of the diamond, giving your nails a slight pink hue in your next Insta.

OPI Classic Nail Lacquer in Red My Fortune Cookie

Champagne

To state the obvious, rose gold is honestly just a pink-ish take on the classic gold shade. It still has a slightly dark gold tone, so if you really want to make that rock shine, go with a champagne color. This one is a golden-beige with a fab pearlescent undertone, so it’ll really bring out the ~rose~ in rose gold and make your ring look so much shinier. 

Essie in Imported Bubbly

If Your Ring Is Gold, You Need…

Peach

Gold is def on the yellow-y side more often than not, so even if your setting isn’t yellow gold, it still can range from a dark yellow shade to even a burnt orange. It’s a warm band, so you’ll want a warm color to enhance and contrast the gold, like a shimmery peach. It’s a super faint orange and pink color, so it’s def going to pick up on the gold shine and glistening bling.

NARS Nail Polish in Orgasm

Taupe/Nude

Luckily for you, gold is the most neutral metal ever. You can get really crazy with your nail polish color, but since the attention is on your most prized possession, you don’t want anything overwhelming, obviously. A mellow taupe/nude looks fab with a gold ring, because it gives your hand a dark contrast, while making your ring look a million times brighter.

Deborah Lippmann Nail Polish in Fashion

If Your Ring Is Silver, You Need…

Baby Blue

Blue is apparently the most attractive color to the human eye, so there’s like, 100 likes right there. With your cool-toned, silver band, pair it with a calming, pale baby blue for the maximum shine and attention.

Zoya Nail Polish in Blu

White

White and silver go together like black and white. I usually stray from a white manicure, unless it’s June-August, but for an engagement ring nail-fie, I’ll make an exception. White is head-turning and bright on its own, but it gives your silver ring its own background to make a statement with.

Yves Saint Laurent Beauty La Laque Couture Nail Polish

If Your Ring Is Platinum/White Gold, You Need…

Metallic

If you can’t tell the difference between this and a silver, it’s fine. Me neither, but apparently it’s a thing, and some of you have it. It looks like a shinier and “whiter” version of a silver, so your diamond is probs hella shiny, too. Cool down all of the bling with a contrasting metallic gray. The subtle shine will enhance your ring to make it look elegant and way bigger (!!). You didn’t say it, but you were thinking it.

Smith & Cult Nail Lacquer in Bang the Dream

Deep Purple

As if you couldn’t notice, I’m trying really hard to stay away from saying, “just choose black,” because like, this isn’t just your regular everyday manicure. You just found the man you’re going to have sex with everyday for the rest of your life—you need to change at least one thing up. Since platinum and white gold bands are obviously lighter in color, going darker really works in your favor. For the next best thing after black, go with a sultry violet or deep purple. It’s classy, formal, and convenient for transitioning into the next season.

Marc Jacobs Enamored Hi-Shine Glaze Nail Lacquer in Purple Glaze

There’s nothing I love more than when my friends tell me they’re getting married. I so look forward to spending money on an outfit, hotel, travel, and gifts—the thought of spending a cool two grand on the wedding weekend alone just delights me. Being hit by such crippling loneliness that I’m left crying into my wine at the end of the night, only to be consoled by the bartender (until his shift ends) gives me life. And the real high point of my life is the day after wedding hangover buffet where I can decide between gorging myself to death on bacon or inhaling the not-so-short stack of pancakes (spoiler alert: I choose them both). And what brings about this beautiful chain of events? THE ENGAGEMENT SHOOT. Engagement photos are the newest way to showcase your love and devotion for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and are also the reason why I drink. It’s not enough that I have to watch you gush over your #mcm on Instagram every goddamn day, but now you want me to have a permanent memento of your love and, like, what? Hang it on my fridge? The most sacred spot in my home aside from my bed and the couch? You monster. I have enough engagement photos hanging on my fridge rn, judging me with their happiness every time I contemplate eating a jar of icing and drinking a bottle of wine for dinner. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. So if you want me, the person who will be permanently stationed at the open bar and will probably drunkenly make out with your fiancé’s much younger brother, to come to your wedding then here’s the six things you need to stop doing ASAP.

1. Wearing Matching Outfits

Honestly, I understand the thought process behind matching outfits for the engagement photos. You’re trying to send a message like, “we’re a unit now” and, “I have forfeited all of my individual thoughts and opinions to be with this person.” It’s v romantic. But when I see two adults in cream colored ensembles posing on a beach all I can think is “siblings posing for the family Christmas card.” It looks less romantic and more as if behind the scenes, their mother is threatening to take away their data plans if they don’t SMILE AND LOOK LIKE THEY’RE HAVING A GOOD TIME. This isn’t Game of Thrones, incest vibes don’t hold up here. They are neither appreciated nor accepted on my fridge, so cut that shit out.

2. Costume Themes

I will never understand why two grown adults think it’s a good idea to dress up in cosplay to show the world they’re mature enough to get married for their engagement photos. It ranks right up there with the matching outfits thing. Do you think you’re unique because you have a wand in your photo and “always” is part of your wedding hashtag? Do you know who else owns a wand and is incorporating lines from a children’s book into their wedding vows? Anyone who was born between the years 1985-2000 and had working eyes and ears, that’s who. Newsflash: broadcasting how much of a Potterhead you are in your engagement photos does not make you unique or quirky, it just makes me want to take shots.

3. Intimate Poses

People who treat their engagement photo like a personal ad for Playboy are the fucking worst. First of all, if your favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey, that’s embarrassing enough. Why must you now recreate it for your closest friends and family? It’s like you WANT me to claw my eyes out or something.The last thing I want to see when I’m deciding between pints of ice cream is you and your fiancé engaging in foreplay in with the words “save the date” below your groping hands. If I wanted to see alarming levels of PDA I’d replay the finale of The Bachelorette. NOPE. I’m not here for it.

4. Anything With Camo

I can’t with a couple who wears camo. When I see camo all I can think is “budget wedding” and “there will be a beer run halfway through the ceremony.” Srsly can’t wait. They usually caption their engagement photo with something like “the hunt is over” which leads me to believe that their engagement came about after they ran out of matches on Tinder and reconnected with each other through a 2am Facebook DM. I, mean, the hunt is over? This isn’t The Hunger Games, it’s your love story, for God’s sake. Quit being so fucking dramatic. I already know that if I attend this wedding I can expect the venue to be exploding with mason jars and people who hate Obamacare but love the ACA. Sounds lit, will 100 percent be there.

5. The Psycho Stare

You know the one I’m talking about. The close-up shot where he’s either looking at her or off into the distance and she’s staring straight at the camera with her ring pointed like a deadly weapon. She’s got that look in her eyes that says she may or may not have killed for this ring and if you don’t show up to her wedding with a mid- to high-priced item from her registry you’ll be next. It’s fucking frightening. Also, when the bride-to-be inevitably makes every single one of her Facebook friends want to unfriend her puts up all 250 photos from the engagement shoot, the guy always looks like a prisoner of war. Always. It makes me want to be like, dude, blink once if you want to be here, twice if you’re being held against your will.

6. Animal Props

We get it, you have a fiancé AND a dog and I’m still buying crop tops at Forever21. Congratu-fucking-lations. You win at life. If you have a dog, FINE, I guess you can put him in your engagement photos. I can pick my battles here. My real issue is with the people who get fucking elaborate with their photos and add, like, a horse into the mix. The whole setup is extremely awkward. They’re always leaning on the animal or feeding it a snack while looking at each other and laughing like they have a fucking secret. It’s v unsettling. And the girl who would use an animal as a prop—let’s call her Jennifer—is usually the same girl who held a special meeting during sorority recruitment to blackball the horse freak from making it to the next round because Jennifer had a feeling that she “wouldn’t fit in.” Oh, how the tides have turned, Jennifer. HOW THE TIDES HAVE TURNED.