If Stacy and Clinton taught us anything, it was to not be fat, poor, or shittily dressed. Those same What Not To Wear OG show rules can and should be applied to your upcoming engagement photo shoot. If you don’t want to appear tacky in your save the dates (and future Facebook/Insta/Twitter profile pics AND holiday cards for the foreseeable future), there are lots of like, rules for what not to wear in your engagement photo shoot. To avoid looking fat, like a tablecloth, poor, or generally not cute in these v important pics, follow these rules and do not commit these fashion offenses.
1. Outfits You’ve Literally Never Worn Before
Now is not the time for fear for you to try on a brand new puffy shoulder trend or cold shoulder shit you’ve never seen yourself in. You want to look like you in your pics, so it isn’t the best time to break out the brand new shit you just bought. Wear something in which you feel comfortable, confident, and like yourself.
2. Matching Shit
Don’t. Nothing photographs worse than two people in matching plaid, or denim, or his and hers outfits. No one finds that shit cute. That shit is TACKY. Plus, according to photographers, if you and your SO are matching, it can be hard to discern who’s who in a photo—morphing your bodies into an amorphous blob capable of ruining small cities.
3. Six Different Outfits
You’re going to be tired and stressed and trying to remember to smile and getting real overwhelmed with the photographer telling you to stare at your SO and try not to laugh or sneeze or burp or whatever. Changing several times will give you way too many different photo looks and will stress you out. Having two to three outfits is perfect—don’t go for more than that.
4. Big Patterns
If you’re petite, you already know the rules about big, loud patterns. Do you want to look like you’ve been drowned in a 70s curtain? Nope. Also, a big pattern will move the focus from you and your SO and more onto the loud Anthropologie printed dress that may have worked for someone with Emily Ratajkowski’s body but like, not yours, sweetie.
5. Anything With Logos
The things you wear in your engagement photos should be things you wouldn’t be embarrassed to walk around a trendy European country in. If you know anything about, say, Parisian street style, you know that they find logos and graphic tees loud, tacky, and quintessentially American (and not in a good way). Apply these rules to your engagement photos, and pretend you’re trying to impress a bunch of snotty French style watchers. Plus, you’ll look like a walking advertisement for GAP or Nike in 10 years when you look back at them. Nobody wants that.
6. Ill-Fitting Clothes
Don’t think that this is your big moment to break out the high school jeans you still pretend to fit into. Likewise, don’t wear something you know swims on you in an attempt to look skinny (I feel you, but don’t). The camera captures everything, including your muffin top. Don’t embarrass your parents (again). And as far as too-big shit is concerned, if it needs to be hemmed at the leg, folded over your wrist, or constantly adjusted so as to not fall off, skip it. If you want to look 10 pounds heavier, be my guest.
7. Athleisure
Unless you two met at yoga and now own a yoga studio and like, literally live and breathe fucking yoga, please don’t wear your athleisure outfit to your photoshoot. Lululemon can wait till after the shoot is over. These pics are the harbingers of your wedding. They are destined to be on fridges, coffee tables, garbages, and other places of honor in people’s homes. Don’t ruin the integrity of these expensive snaps with leggings.
8. Neon Anything
This went out of style several years ago (thank God), and you should have donated it all to the poor and unfashionable anyway. If, for some reason, you really need to wear neon yellow or green in your engagement photos (are you in a laser tag arena?), rethink it. They create weird colors on your skin, making you look oddly pale or orangey tan. If you’re going for a “vampire that likes to rave” thing, though, go for it.
9. Orange
Just don’t. Photographers say it’s literally the most unphotogenic color. Plus, you’ll look like prisoners which, if you are, maybe go for it, and I can’t wait to see you both on an upcoming episode of Prison Wives.
Images: Giphy (3)
In case you missed it, there hasn’t been a snowstorm in New York in at least two weeks which means spring is finally fucking here. Ah, springtime. A time of year that signifies rebirth, hope, and thirsty bitches subtly emailing their boyfriends their ring size and Pinterest password. Which means it’s almost time for me to engage in my favorite pastime: judging the fuck out of people’s engagement photos. I would rank my tolerance for engagement photos somewhere around where I rank my standards for fuckboys on dating apps. So, pretty fucking low. And because I have ESPN or something I can almost immediately tell you the theme of your wedding based off of the manicure you choose to flaunt in your engagement announcement on Instagram.
It’s true that the most important moment of your life is not when your BF proposes to you (sorry, bro), but rather the moment you debut your ring on Instagram. That moment is huge and, whether you realize it or not, the type of manicure you have while showing off your ring speaks VOLUMES about you and your wedding. So because I want to put you in your place I care about you and your wedding, here are 6 manicures that say a fuck ton about your wedding theme, and therefore, basic level:
1. Millennial Pink: Hipster Barn Wedding
I’m not sure when we started referring to pastel pink as “millennial” but I’m almost certain it’s around the same time that hipsters started referring to rustic as “chic.” You already know how we feel about the hipster barn wedding theme, and your nail color is about as original as the mason jars that are sure to be included in your wedding decoration budget. Choosing this color is a safe bet and while your friends won’t be shitting on you in their group chat, they will most certainly be rolling their eyes as they scroll through your feed.
2. Red: Destination Wedding
This person probably thinks they’re fun and spontaneous and the bikini selfies saturating their Instagram feed certainly are proof of that theory. They probably chose this color because Taylor Swift, a personal hero of theirs, is constantly sending subliminal messages singing about this color. It makes them feel bold and empowered and soooo fun. Which is why they are life ruiners and choose a destination wedding to celebrate their union to the poor guy that’s about to spend the rest of his life as his wife’s Instagram photographer.
3. Not Your French Manicure: Vintage Themed Wedding
This is the person in your friend group who is extra AF. They’re always trying to be new and different and edgy when really they’re just grown women wearing body glitter aka Unicorn Snot and calling it fashion. I usually object to 90% of their life choices and sporting a manicure like this ranks right up there with that one time they bought a shirt that said “Bushwick” on it for $40 from Urban Outfitters despite the fact that they live on the north shore of Long Island. They will try and reinvent the wheel aka hipster barn weddings. Instead of rustic chic they’ll use the term “vintage” and refer to themselves as “old souls” in their vows. Lol, K. Like, you forget I’ve seen strange men take shots off your body to a Miley Cyrus song on spring break. You’re fooling no one, Karen.
4. Black Manicure: Black Tie Wedding
A true betch knows that black is the color of her soul and coincidentally every item of clothing in her wardrobe. While some people might doubt black as a bridal color, you know that these people understand nothing about taste and are about to get sat at the shitty reception table with your least liked sorority sister and your fiancé’s weird friend from grade school. Like, of fucking course you’re going to be wearing your favorite color during the most important photo moment of your life. Black is timeless and so will be your wedding. While everyone else is Googling “unique wedding themes” yours will be chic, tasteful, and most importantly, fancy enough to make all of your other married friends jealous. Mazel Tov.
5. Accent Nail—Ridiculous Themed Wedding
TBH I’m not even sure what to say about this. Like, is this you announcing your engagement or a cry for help? I’m assuming that the only reason you would get this extra with your manicure is because you’re trying to hide that fact that you’re about to marry the one night stand that turned into your boyfriend of six years. I’m also assuming that your fiancé is the type of guy that “lets” you carry all of the groceries to the car and still Snaps his ex girlfriend on the side. You’ve really found yourself a winner, Vanessa.
Anyway, the type of person who’s doing this much with her manicure is also the type of person that’s going to piss me off and do some sort of themed wedding. I’m picturing something Disney related—anything to distract their guests from noticing that the groom isn’t captivated by the enchanting room decor but rather is checking out the maid of honor’s cleavage.
6. Rose Gold: Romantic Basic Wedding
This one’s for all my basic bitches out there—you know who you are. I don’t need a crystal ball to determine that your ring is a princess cut and you’ll be rocking a mermaid dress on your big day. Your bridesmaids will all be wearing some form of blush and/or sequined gowns that you swore to them they’d be able to wear again but instead will just taunt them, hanging in their closets as a constant reminder of the day they served you stood by your side. While on the one hand, I’ve seen your wedding done 1,000 times before, I can also appreciate you owning your basicness.
