How is it that I’ve happily been to dozens of parties that celebrate the result of two people fornicating, yet no one has once thrown me a bash for all the sex I’m having?!
Our calendars are consistently stacked with events dedicated to those procreating or creating a new life together, but what about those of us creating in other ways? Child-free and spouse-free people have already started to take matters into their own hands—registering for home goods for milestone birthdays or throwing themselves parties for career achievements—but what if we normalized invitation-worthy affairs, disconnected from marriage and children? Here’s a look at a long-overdue rebrand of beloved traditional celebrations (i.e. engagement parties, gender reveals, wedding receptions, etc.) into playful, poignant, plausible shindigs everyone can dig.
The Aunt-iversary Party
Everyone under 12 is obsessed with you. You bring the best gifts. You tell the best stories. You roll in ready to toast the 3-year-old’s sippy cup with a canned cocktail, and roll right out after 52 rounds of peek-a-boo. You’re a crucial pillar in any group’s dynamic—always prepared to entertain and protect. (Unless, of course, you’re hungover from the date with the Bumble match who also had a picture captioned “not my baby.”) The aunt-iversary party is a celebration of the cool, fun, wild aunt’s freelance commitment to all their nieces and nephews (honorary or hereditary), and the perfect pregame before your next date.
Party tip: Let your tiniest fans invite their friends, but only the ones with available single dads.
The Reception-Reception
Sure, it’s better to give, but it’s also incredibly satisfying to receive. And look at that—you just received life-changing career news, an award, a degree, a raise, a promotion, an acceptance, a clean bill of health, a book deal, a giant check, or the best “yes” of your life, so it’s time to revel in your ascent to the next level at the coveted reception-reception. Order the champagne fountain, the queso fountain, the regular fountain—any kind of fountain, really—and tell the DJ to turn it up, because we’re celebrating you making moves on and off the dance floor.
Party tip: In the spirit of a classic reception activity, toss a copy of your latest achievement behind you, then watch as friends and family hurl their bodies in all directions to catch it, in hopes of being next.
The (Social Media) Engagement Party
Your latest selfie got 527 likes. Your tweet about happy hour went viral and six enemies from high school messaged you to say, “You’re famous!” A celeb shared your amusing article, emotional essay, tipsy TikTok, or poignant photo. All you can think is: This is what it must feel like when a Kardashian soft-launches a new boyfriend. Offline milestones are pleasing and paramount, but you’re crushing it online, so let’s crush some cocktails to memorialize your mentions. Send out the engagement announcements now!
Party tip: Register for a gift certificate to a relaxing, remote retreat for a brief respite from your retweets.
The Sex Reveal
Oh, boy—another gender reveal? No way, baby. This is a Tinder reveal! While married friends assume you’re having bad luck (because there hasn’t been a boyfriend reveal), you’re actually having a lot of bed luck. At this illuminating and risqué soirée, guests won’t find blue smoke from a monster-truck pipe or pink explosions that might set a small town aflame. You’ll simply be delivering a rousing report about your recent fruitful sexcapades, showcasing some of your brutally attractive, intimately-acquainted right-swipes, and eating cake while astonished attendees applaud your provocative prowess.
Party tip: Maybe don’t invite grandma to this one.
The Therapy Shower
You had a breakthrough, breakdown, or breakup. Your therapist declared you her funniest client. You finally did the challenging action the doc suggested—and it worked! You’ve been feeling yourself and feeling your feelings, and you deserve to feel appreciated and showered by your most trusted companions for the palpable progress. Fun games include: Guess My Co-Pay, Never Have I Ever (Told My Therapist…), Truth or Truth, and Attachment-Style Charades.
Party tip: Since you’ll be spilling some positive mental-health gossip (even though your therapist suggested you stop oversharing), the only reasonable theme is “tea party.”
The Literal Bachelorette Party
Why is it that soon-to-be-married people get to have bawdy bashes for being bachelors and bachelorettes when that’s kind of your thing? It’s time for your crew to celebrate you saying, “I do!” to… well, you. Get on board the party bus, fill up your Solo cup, and secure the novelty dick straws, because you’re feeling cocky about unmarried bliss. Being single? In this economy?! Truly a feat that deserves a fête.
Party tip: Update traditional bachelorette signage like LAST FLING BEFORE THE RING and ONE PENIS FOREVER to JUST AN AVERAGE SATURDAY NIGHT and AS MANY PENISES AS YOU WANT.
Image: Lucas Ottone /Stocksy.com
If you’re watching this season of Vanderpump Rules, you know engagement parties and bridal showers are a big ordeal. These types of bridal celebrations were not always so common, but nowadays, they’re a definite “to-do”. The problem? Bridal celebrations, like engagement parties and showers, can be expensive af. Jax even joked about having to bartend his own party just to afford it, lol. Fortunately, if you live in the NYC area, there are some great places for hosting your party that don’t require a $300 mashed potato bar. A lot of spaces offer the event services as part of a package deal, so you won’t be stuck figuring out all the minute details on your own. Cause like, you know you have enough stress to deal with when it comes to planning the rest of the wedding. Parties are supposed to be fun! So to help you avoid any additional stress, here are some beautiful NYC spaces to host your engagement party, bridal shower, or other bridal celebration at.
1. 38Parlor
The prime advantage of this place is that, unlike a lot of others, you don’t pay per person. Instead, you pay one overall rental fee for the time needed in the space. They’ll provide the services, such as coat check, barware, serving platters, plus five staff members. Your only job? Bring the food and the alcohol. Easy enough. There are several themed rooms, all of which have a vintage speakeasy feel with original decor, aka endless great Instagram opportunities. (Don’t act like you weren’t already thinking about that.) So basically, you can utilize the already decorated space to make the party’s vibe as extravagant or as simple as you want!
2. Gramercy Terrace At The Gramercy Park Hotel
This space is LAVISH, and therefore requires you to pay per person. But the space is stunning, so it’s super worth it. The rooftop has elevated garden greenery and ivy decor, with a direct view of the Empire State building. And you can throw your bridal celebration here no matter the season—the rooftop is retractable, so you’ll be able to get an incredible rooftop vibe year-round. Oh, and if you realllly want to impress your cultured friends, the space even has artwork by Damien Hirst and Andy Warhol. Talk about fancy! The space can accommodate up to 120 guests for a seated dinner, or up to 250 for a cocktail reception.
3. Hudson Mercantile
The Hudson Mercantile has three unique clean and modern spaces: the Gallery, the Studio, and Rooftop. It’s centrally located, just walking distance from the Javits Center and near the Hudson Yards. The Gallery has a modern industrial look, with a space large enough for big events. The Studio has an elegant rustic atmosphere, with high ceilings and tons of natural light. The Rooftop space is all about the amazing #views. The Rooftop space is one of the largest in Manhattan, and can be used al fresco or fully enclosed. Essentially, the Hudson Mercantile provides incredible options for a venue space, so the majority of the party planning is up to you. So, if you’re a Type-A control freak, such as myself, they’ll provide the space and you’ll provide the party.
4. Grey Lady
The Grey Lady offers several private back rooms to accommodate any potential party size for your celebration. The restaurant has a “distinctive coastal atmosphere” to set an amazing vibe for the perfect wedding-related celebration. The food options are primarily seafood, but the specific menu can be determined between you and the restaurant. All in all, whichever room you reserve here will provide a beautiful, by-the-ocean-inspired space, plus delicious food. I mean, what more could you want?
5. The Park
With tons of different rooms that can be rented individually or combined, The Park is a great place to host your bridal celebration. They will work with you to customize the event, and all the spaces have a sultry rustic feel. The Garden, Red Room, and Penthouse can all be utilized for either a cocktail reception format or seated dinner situation, so it’s totally up to you. And if you just can’t figure out how to cut down your guest list, you can even rent out the whole restaurant.
6. Haven’s Kitchen
Haven’s Kitchen is a cooking school, cafe, and private event space all in one. The space has a warm home-y vibe, with clean white walls and soft decor. You could even turn your engagement party or bridal shower into a cooking class, and kill two birds with one stone. You know, learn how to make something besides avocado toast, while also hosting an awesome party. Celebrate love while bettering yourself simultaneously, who can beat that?
All of these spaces provide the ideal foundation for your bridal celebration, so you can’t go wrong. And, at the end of the day, a beautiful space plus food and booze are all you really need. So now that I’ve done this favor for you, please do everyone else a favor and stop f*cking stressing about it! These suggestions should ease your bridezilla tendencies, at least for another few months until your future husband’s cousin asks for a plus one for the girl he met on Tinder.
Images: Shutterstock; @38parlor, @gramercyterrace, @hudsonmercantile, @greyladynyc, @theparknyc, @havenskitchen / Instagram
It’s just about summer, which means a lot of things, but mostly it means that people are extremely horny when they aren’t sweating their dicks off. In turn, that means that people skewered by Cupid’s arrow are getting engaged. If this has happened recently to your friends, you may be asking yourself, “What should I get Jaedynn for an engagement gift?”
The answer is nothing!
I imagine getting engaged feels a lot like being someone born into exorbitant wealth on a daily basis: it required no real action on your part, and the event in and of itself doesn’t actually mean much, yet people still feel compelled to heap praise and free shit upon you. That works out very well for the rich person, but it makes everyone else a sucker. In this case, since it’s not you who is getting engaged, giving someone an engagement gift makes you the sucker.
Would you give someone a gift for getting a college acceptance letter? No, scratch that—would you give someone a nice gift merely because they applied to their first-choice college? Because that’s what getting engaged is: a declaration of intent with no actual bearing until the matrimonial rubber hits the road.
Look: Your friend is engaged, and barring any sort of catastrophe, the actual good shit will happen. That means between now and the next 18 months or so, you’ll be subjected to showers (where you’ll have to buy shit), at least one bachelorette in a second-tier city like Nashville or Charleston (where you’ll have to pay for all of the bride’s shit), wedding registries, and possibly also a honeyfund (if they do both it’s a crime, but either way, it’s more shit to pay for), and finally the wedding itself (paying for travel and accommodations, and possibly a dress you’ll never wear again).
This is not a post about the evils of the wedding industrial complex (though it is evil), but one of practicality: can you afford all that shit? Does the bride need all that shit? More importantly, does the bride need a tasteful vase from Restoration Hardware on top of all the other shit you will eventually buy for her?
Fuck no, she doesn’t!
I say, she’s already gotten two very valuable things: a man’s promise that he’ll (eventually promise again, in front of witnesses to) love her forever, and a ring that cost a whole shitload of money. I think that’s pretty good for doing little more than tolerating his skid-marked underpants! Bring a decent bottle of wine to the (inevitable, and unnecessary) engagement party. Then drink the whole thing yourself.
Fuck an engagement gift!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Spring is all fun and games until you get that pretty little invitation in the mail or a random “GUESS WHAT” text from a girl in your sorority that you rarely talk to anymore. “Shit” is right. Before you know it, you’re invited to engagement parties left and right, and you can’t just like, say no, because they’re your friend. Besides, there will be bottomless mimosas. Doesn’t sound so dreadful after considering the prospect of free Prosecco. There only leaves one fucking problem: What the fuck do you wear when you want to dress to impress 40 girls from college, but still look classy? I’ve done the work for you and included whatever it is that floats your boat. Here’s WTF to wear to an engagement party.
You, reading this article:
1. ASOS DESIGN Satin Wrap Midi Skirt In Floral Print
IDK what it is, but brides-to-be fucking love flowers. You just can’t go wrong with anything that has a bright-colored floral print. Instead of an entire dress, make it separate with a really cute high-waisted floral skirt and pair with a neutral (or if you’re feeling risky, white) top.
2. Cynthia Steffe Gigi Twist Neck Lace Combo Fit-And-Flare Dress
Obviously, white, cream, ivory, off-white, anything at all close to white, is just a hard no. That’s like, the rules of feminism, honestly. However, you can do a basic millennial pink cocktail dress, because bitches just love that color when it comes to weddings. A fit-and-flare is also perfect if you want to keep things short (conversations, relationships, etc.), but still have fun and keep it playful.
3. Lulus Heavenly Hues Navy Blue Maxi Dress
Maxi dresses and skirts are always a good idea. They somehow make you look skinny, taller, classy, and elegant—everything that we all aspire to be and look like on a daily basis. If bright colors make you want to vom, but your mother would frown if you came down the stairs in black, stick to navy blue. It’s basically the same thing, tbh.
4. Bardot Gemma Lace Halter Dress
Lace is another fave for anyone going to a wedding-related event. It’s v formal without being over-the-top, but you can also totally get more than one wear out of it. Opt for a style that fits closer to a bodycon, because otherwise things will start to look weird and before you know it, you’re wearing something that resembles a full-blown tutu. Pastels look better with lace, IMO, so I’d stick with lilac, blush, or baby blue.
5. Nicholas Sleeveless Jumpsuit
If anyone tells you that you can’t wear a jumpsuit to an engagement party—or a wedding for that matter—unfollow them on Instagram because you seriously don’t need that type of negativity in your life. Jumpsuits are just as good and cute as dresses if you pick the right one, of course. A timeless black looks best with an open back, wide leg, sleeveless style. Add a pop of color in both your shoes and crossbody, throw your hair up, put on some lipstick, and call it a fucking day.
Images: Nastya Gepp / Pixabay; Gifer.com; ASOS (1); Lord & Taylor (1); Lulus (1); Bloomingdale’s (1); Revolve (1)
