Remember just one short year ago when the Trump presidency was made official and everyone was like, “this is totally the end of the world as we know it?” Well it looks like our overdramatic hyperbole might not be too far off. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the Doomsday Clock 30 seconds closer to a
pocalypse o’clock midnight yesterday, which, in simple terms confirms that we’re all pretty much fucked.
The Doomsday Clock isn’t an actual measure of anything, but more of a symbolic representation of how close the world is to the end of humanity, and right now – at two minutes to midnight – it sits at the closest it’s ever been to imminent destruction. The last time the clock was this close to midnight was in 1953 at the peak of the Cold War. Let that sink in. The last time the world was this close to possible doom was the first time we were testing nuclear weapons in the US and hydrogen bombs in the Soviet Union. To bring it back to that same level of panic would take, oh IDK, something like two major world leaders fighting over the size of their
dicks buttons and threatening nuclear war again just to defend their fragile egos. Hypothetically speaking.
The clock was last moved a year ago in January 2017, the first time Trump threatened North Korea about their nuclear tests. Derek Johnson, HBIC of the Global Zero organization, called this 30-second shift an “urgent wake-up call” and said that “the reality of a nuclear-armed President Trump running loose in the world is worse than we feared, and that is clearly a central factor in this decision.” No shit, Sherlock. We’ve all been saying since day one that giving that man access to a button that could wipe out millions of civilians with one push is like giving a drunk girl a cell phone with her ex’s number on it. Terrible, destructive decisions will be made and someone will end up crying with no pants on.
Additional fears about the end of the world stem largely from the growing effects of climate change, which the current administration denies harder than I deny that my bathroom breaks at work are just an excuse to sit and scroll Instagram in peace for 10 minutes.
Remember, the clock is just a metaphor, so it’s not like you actually need to set a timer and GTFO of the line of nuclear fire in the next two minutes. But we should still take this symbolic time crunch as a sign that things need to change fast so that we don’t get wiped away before we get to have children or careers or see how much of a shitshow the Bachelor Winter Games turn out to be. Until someone learns how to rein in Trump and stop him from escalating Twitter threats and inciting North Korea to blow us to smithereens, the clock will officially remain at two minutes to THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT. Only one man has the power to save us, and that man is
Robert Mueller Michael Scarn.
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It’s Wednesday, so you’re probably starting to sober up from the combo of anti-anxiety meds and booze that got you through inauguration weekend. But while the Xanax may be wearing off, you now have to face the fact that a man whose idea of TBT is paraphrasing Hitler is now president. I mean, you should probably call your representatives and shit, unless you want to spend the next four years celibate because some old dude took away your birth control.
But once you’ve done that, you can go back to pretending we aren’t all fucked. Here’s a bunch of hot dudes to help with that.