Hello all! Last night was “the biggest night in television” (no, not the Super Bowl), the 70th Annual Emmy Awards. It’s the night that Hollywood pats itself on the back for adapting books creating innovative and thought-provoking TV. So basically like the Dundies, but not at Chili’s and Steve Carell is only there sometimes. Lots of your favorite shows and people were nominated, even though I looked it up and unfortunately they couldn’t legally give all the awards to Law & Order: SVU. So here we are. Since I’m sure you all watched very attentively, I’ve broken this recap into sections instead of transcribing the entire blessed event. If you’d like a full transcript, I’m sure you can find it in Colin Jost’s sad, handwritten book entry from last night. Let’s do it.
The Hosts/The Opening
The show opens with Kate McKinnon and Kenan Thompson, and I’m immediately wondering if the hosting duties were passed off to them. Might be a better show! Instead of hosting, they naturally burst into a song called “We Solved It,” where they mock the fact that Hollywood is so proud of the limited strides they’ve made in diversity. They’re joined by people including Kristen Bell, Tituss Burgess, Sterling K. Brown, RuPaul, and Andy Samberg in the role of “sad straight white boy”.
I appreciate the song because it’s probably the most self-aware that Hollywood is going to get all night. Although, is the joke with Aidy Bryant pretending to harass Milo Ventimiglia a little awkward? Not saying I wouldn’t do it, but maybe not on TV? And considering the amount of actual sexual misconduct that goes on in Hollywood, perhaps it’s a little distasteful. Let’s ask Terry Crews!
The hosts finally come on stage and look visibly relieved that other people have killed 10 minutes for them. Only 2 hours and 50 minutes to go, guys! You’re doing amazing, sweeties! Hosts Michael Che and Colin Jost look very handsome in their tuxedos (those are tuxes, right? I know nothing about men’s suits so DON’T @ ME). I don’t know much about them in general since I’m usually already asleep out partying when SNL comes on. What I do know is that Scarlett Johansson has finally let Colin out of the friend zone, and that one time I saw my friend Jocelyn comment fire emojis on Michael Che’s Instagram, and she knows comedy.
The whole monologue is basically 70% Roseanne jokes and 30% calling out the diverse nominees. I have a feeling this diversity conversation is going to be the main theme of the show, at least until they start giving the awards to all the white people.
The best part of the monologue is clearly when the camera pans to Chrissy Teigen (Tie-gen), who visibly recoils. That will be good for about a week of memes.
The world is Chrissy, Chrissy is all of us.
I do appreciate that Michael and Colin finish up the monologue and jump right into announcing the awards. At this rate I can be asleep by 11pm, thank god.
So now let’s move on to who won the award show, literally and metaphorically.
The presenters/the audience. At first I was confused by the fact that the nominees were announced before the presenters even came out. I felt like I was taking crazy pills! But, as the show was wrapping up on time, I came to appreciate the fact that I didn’t have to listen to a C-list TV star stumble through Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s name for 15 seconds. But yes, it did feel a little like I was having a stroke every time they did it.
Alex Borstein. BRAS ARE THE ENEMY! And she knows it. When Alex went up to accept her award for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, she proudly marched on stage without that straitjacket for the chest we all call an undergarment. Now, I’m not saying I wanted to see her nipples, but if her nipples wanted to see us, we should have let them. Another round of applause for Mrs. Ungermeyer from The Lizzie McGuire Movie having a f*cking Emmy.
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Y’all, Amy Sherman-Palladino CLEANED UP last night. She won for Writing, Directing, and Outstanding Comedy Series, and she did it all while dressed as Britney Murphey’s character in Drop Dead Gorgeous. Hooray! I always want my Gilmore Girls crew to go on to great things! Plus, she said she’s going to put her Emmys in her panic room and now I know we need to be friends because I’m in the market for one of those. (Talk to me about conspiracy theories, fellas, I’m very stable.) She also called her husband the “Sid to my Nancy,” and her “consigliere” which makes me wonder if she was trying to send a subliminal message that her husband might kill her? Again, come to me for all your conspiracy theory needs.
Angela Bassett. Did you guys see Angela Bassett last night? She looked like a flawless angel who lives in an Instagram filter. She is SIXTY!! And damn it, she looks better than us all. She must have learned some tricks when she played a VooDoo priestess on American Horror Story, because there is clearly witchcraft at work here. Angela, if you’re reading this, drop your skin care regimen. But maybe take one look at Rachel Brosnahan’s name before announcing the winners? Just sayin’.
Leslie Jones. Leslie got to be a part of the best presenting duo with RuPaul, she was visibly shocked and delighted by the surprise proposal, and was SO vocal and supportive when Regina King won. I would watch an entire TV show that’s just Leslie Jones reacting to things. Tbh, that would probably be more entertaining than the Emmys. Isn’t that basically what SNL is nowadays?
Cute Couples. Um can we all take a minute to appreciate that Matthew Rhys’ accent ups his hotness factor by like, a lot? I’m obsessed. Plus, I love that he and Keri Russell are a couple and that she told him if he proposed she’ll “punch me clean in the mouth.”
Sandra Oh-My-God. Sandra may not have won her category (boo), but she brought her adorable parents to the ceremony with her. Her mom is a STAR, and when we saw her whispering to Sandra during Claire Foy’s speech I imagine she was saying “you’re still my person,” or maybe telling her she’s a big disappointment. Either way, her presence was appreciated.
Ted Danson. It is CRIMINAL that Ted is the only one who got nominated from The Good Place. I’m basically just using this space as my plea to all of you to watch that amazing, hilarious, and creative show and that we all collectively find a way to give D’Arcy Carden an award soon. Anyway, Ted’s still a winner in my book. Take me to the Bad Place, Ted! I’ll go there willingly with you.
The Maya Rudolph/ Fred Armisen bit. What WAS that? I feel like there were a lot of useless time wasters in this show, and this was definitely one of them. If you’re going to use Maya Rudolph, please do better, and DON’T dress her up as an American Girl Doll from the 1600s. Homegirl looked like Annabelle. Maya is a treasure and she should be treated as such.
Betty White. I mean, we all love Betty White, but once again I ask: what WAS that? I don’t think they gave her an award, unless I missed something? This was another time waster. When they were storyboarding the Emmys, did some drunk producer just say “This is where we’ll bring out Betty White and let her riff off script,” and everyone was too tired to argue? It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Will Ferrell. Another time waster! “Will, we have 10 more minutes on this telecast, and only two awards to give out. STALL!”
The announcers. Why didn’t they announce when winners were coming up on stage how many times the person had been nominated and how many times they had won? I like to know who is a first-timer and who is a greedy motherf*cker. Is that too much to ask?
The proposal! Leave it to the guy that directed The Oscars to know what will make a good show. Glenn Weiss got up there and shot his shot. Men, take notes. And whoever directed last night’s Emmys needs to be sending Glenn an edible arrangement or something today. And the kind with chocolate covered strawberries, not the cheap stuff.
Hannah Gadsby. In the 30 seconds or so that Hannah had to present, she hilariously summed up how women are feeling right now. Her take was pitch perfect. Michael & Colin WISH they were this funny. Netflix is about to see an absurd increase in Nanette viewings starting today.
Guys, is The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel really that good? I never watched it based on my mother’s poor review, but I’ve been noticing lately she only likes “good, clean fun,” so maybe I should be looking elsewhere for recommendations? Let me know what you all think if you watched!
All in all, the show was mercifully short and light on Justin Timberlake, which is really all I can ask for in an awards show. Thanks for reading!
Images: Giphy (5)
It always hurts my brain to watch an awards show and see celebrities dressed like sh*t. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how with access to the top designers in the world, you still look like garbage. And of course, last night’s 70th annual Emmy Awards was no exception. I get that fashion is subjective, but no one, I repeat NO ONE, can honestly tell me they liked Alexis Bledel’s butterfly dress from last night. Going to go ahead and kick off the worst dressed list with that one, giving that dress a hard thumbs down. Fortunately for my bleeding eyes and puzzled brain, there were a significant amount of other celebs who actually killed it on the red carpet. The biggest trends we saw last night were: white strapless dresses, ‘80s vibes, and bright neons. Now, I know this article is supposed to be about fashion, but I do need to address the elephant in the room—the atrocious ‘80s style makeup every star was wearing. The whole “matching your eye shadow to your dress” was a signature middle school dance look that I had hoped to never have to see again. Look, it was cool af when I wore aqua blue eyeliner that matched my Macy’s dress to my 8th grade semi, but it def wasn’t cute last night when all these grown women tried to do it. Anyway, now that I got that off my chest, let’s get into what you really came here for —the 2018 Emmys fashion.
Jessica Biel looked like a 7th heaven snaaackkkk last night in a stunning white strapless dress complete with hottie JT on her arm. Her textured white dress was breathtaking, and her effortless curls, fuschia lip, and perfect tan were legit everything I never knew I needed. Claps for you, Jessica.
Tracy Ellis Ross
Some may say it looked like Tracy Ellis Ross wore a hot pink duvet cover to the Emmys last night—but I’d say, she looked like she wore the damn comfiest, fluffiest, most glam duvet cover EVER to the Emmys last night. Tracy Ellis Ross killed in her big, plush, hot pink comforter dress, and I was here for it.
This dress was so beautiful and entrancing, it reminded me of staring at the stars on one of those classic grade school field trips to the planetarium. This dress was the Kira Kira app come to life. It was mesmerizing and made me feel an unexplainable sense of calm and relaxation, like when I watch those Instagram videos of people cutting cake perfectly. From the makeup to the hair to her jaw dropping dress, Angela Sarafyan stunned on the red carpet last night. I mean, I’m still a bit confused as to how the hell she got that huge dress into a seat, but I guess that’s her own problem.
The powder blue color of Issa Rae’s dress/jumpsuit situation is easily my fav color in the world. BUT, the color of the outfit alone wasn’t enough for me to put Issa Rae on the best dressed list (looking at you, Michelle Dockerey). The jumpsuit/gown hybrid looked legit perfect on Issa and was an ideal Emmys outfit. However, I will say, I was not down for the Claire’s earrings. But hey, ya can’t win them all (even if Insecure should have won all the Emmys).
I think I’ve legit moved Tiffany Haddish back and forth from “best” to “worst” dressed five times now. Ultimately, I’m going “best” because, for once, the comedy star got the hair and jewelry totally right. And, low-key, I was feeling the dress. Sure, she looked like a Skittle’s commerical, the rainbow road in Mario Kart, and even like that big rainbow parachute we all played with in grade school gym class…but she somehow still looked good. Although I’m still confused as to why she wore her best Charlotte Russe platforms to the Emmys, at the end of the day, when I couldn’t see the shoes, I was down for the look. Plus, the dress has some special meaning with her father or something, so I guess she gets some bonus points for that.
I already gave you a taste of my dislike of Alexis Bledel’s Emmys dress, but let me just start by saying homegirl looked like Ginny Weasley at the Yule Ball. Secondly, I don’t know what the obsession is in Hollywood with butterflies, but it’s childish. It actually looks like she has those fluttering butterfly hair clips that were popular in grade school taped to her dress. Plus, the yellow tulle is unnecessary and weird—this dress is something I might have worn to my bat mitzvah, or like I said, a Christmas ball for preteen wizards, but not to the Emmys as a full-grown adult. I feel like whoever designed this initially intended the girl who plays 13-year-old Kate on This Is Us to wear it.
I literally love Michelle Wolf, but holy sh*t. This is… wow. This dress looks like something you would have bought on the clearance rack at the now-defunct store Deb. Niche joke, perhaps, but I’m not wrong. And what’s with the two weird devil horn hook things? I just want to know who did my girl Michelle dirty like this by putting her in this dress.
I hope I’m the first to say it: Samantha Bee looks like Jafar. Like, truly, how could such a smart women have chosen to show up in such a horrible outfit? What’s with the weird gold trip that only goes halfway around her collar and then stops inexplicably on her waist? And the belt?? Iago really should have told her that it was a bad move to match the step-and-repeat.
As soon as I saw Tina Fey last night I immediately had flashbacks to Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 doing the Michael Jackson “Thriller.” And, as much as I loved that scene in the movie, I certainly did not love Tina’s recreation of the look. The belt on the dress was highly unnecessary, and the hair made her look legit insane. Also whatever that embellishment is along her neckline is very Hot Topic. To harp on the hairstyle one more time, Tina is wearing the exact same bun as I am right now, except that I’m hungover at work in athleisure because my friends convinced me to drink on a Monday night.
Another woman I love that I am forced to roast because of bad fashion choices. Connie, girl, I know you played an amazing mom in Friday Night Lights, but that doesn’t mean you have to show up looking like a mom at the Emmys. This just not an Emmy’s dress. Shorten it a bit and pop a glass of rosé in her hand and it’s a great single-moms-have-a-Hamptons-weekend dress, but for Hollywood’s biggest night, it’s a no. Also, to borrow a phrase from Katy Perry, that dress needed another fitting.
Uhm, yikesss. I’d like to start by mentioning that my dad was actually watching the pre-show with me and, although he’s no Marc Jacobs, even he said this look was awful. This dress looks like something she had just blindly picked up from the clearance rack at Wet Seal. It was a strange cross between an altar boy costume and a Miami housewife’s summer look.
Final thoughts, shoutout to my girl Miss Ungermeyer for taking home an Emmy last night! You were clearly robbed of an Oscar for your captivating role in The Lizzie McGuire Movie, so I’m glad you at least scored yourself an Emmy, you sneaky brown-noser, you! Additional shout-out to the girl who got f*cking engaged on stage at the Emmys last night. You know that lady is PUMPED to tell that story at brunch tomorrow. No matter how many texts back any other girl at the table got, we all know the girl who got engaged on stage clearly wins brunch. Good for you, sis.
Images: Getty Images