Is Elon Musk Losing His mind? An Investigation

Brilliance requires a certain amount of insanity, but Elon Musk, never one to back down, really goes above and beyond what’s required. 2018 has been, across the board, a nutso year, but that statement is most true for the man who up until recently, I thought was a car. (Seriously, you can’t just name your kid Elon Musk…)

So what has the former PayPal CEO and walking billboard for hair plugs (Google it) been up to this year? Grab a glass of Silicon Valley’s finest Soylent, sit down, and take a look-see.

Launched Tesla Into Space

The year started off strong for Mr. Musk whose antics, while nuts, were in line with what we knew about him. He loved cars and he loved space, so he launched one of his cars into space. The Falcon Heavy (name of the rocket, also seems a bit Freudian imho) launched Musk’s personal car towards Mars and you can track it’s whereabouts here if you’ve ran out of episodes of Great British Bakeoff to binge.

Started Dating Grimes

This is arguably a crazy thing for Grimes to do, not vice versa, but the couple’s public appearance at the Met Gala sent our heads spinning. How did the electro goth pop songstress of our hearts end up swapping spit with a wax figure brought to life by a wishing upon a spaceship? Twitter DMs. Yep. Elon slid into her DMs which just goes to show you that no amount of money can fix a fuck boy.

The Thai Cave Boys Debacle

Earlier this summer, the entire world was waiting anxiously for 12 young boys and their coach to be rescued from a cave in Thailand. Elon Musk was among those worried, and when Musk worries, he worries strategically by building a “kid sized submarine” to rescue these children. When Thai officials were like, “thank but no thanks” to Musk’s little sub,  he not so subtly decided to call the lead rescuer a pedophile? Feels like he is just throwing around disses to up the ratings, a classic move. Anyway, that lead rescuer is suing him now because you can’t just call people a pedophile for roasting your tiny submarine.

Azaelia Banks

Azaelia Banks lived out our worst nightmare by getting stuck inside Musk’s giant Bel Air mansion. Grimes lured Banks to Musk’s recording studio where she spent a weekend completely alone, unable to find either member of the couple. Supposedly, Grimes had to console Musk after he sent an ill-advised tweet (been there, boo) and she never recorded with Banks. While camped out, Banks took to the highest medium, Insta-stories, to wreck on the couple.  Musk told the NY Times he recalls seeing the rapper in his house. “I saw her on Friday morning, for two seconds at about a 30-foot distance as she was leaving the house.”

Smoked Weed on Joe Rogan

After such an insane year, it’s understandable that Musk would want to kick back and smoke a doobie. But instead of doing so in the privacy of one of his nineteen homes, he did so on Joe Rogan’s podcast. The footage of him doing so brings back very violent memories of my uncles trying to prove to us kids that they are cool and hip. When this video released, Tesla stock dropped 9%.

Falsely Announced Tesla Going Private

To round out the worst summer of his life, Elon Musk falsely announced (via Twitter, duh) that his company would be going private, which boosted the company’s shares. This led the Department of Justice to further investigate if this was true, which plummeted the company’s shares. Until someone can get Elon one of those apps that limits how much time he spends on social, it seems like everything about his life will be yo-yo-ing for the rest of eternity (a concept he’s tried to explain via physics and is soooo boring when he does.)

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

8 Criminally Underrated Music Artists You Need To Know About

It’s tough to keep up with new music, no matter how much time you spend on your Spotify Discover page. A few weeks ago, I spent time unpacking the legend that is Rita Ora, and you guys had a lot of thoughts. Taking a deep dive into Rita’s career, I was inspired to shine a light on some other underrated music artists who might be slipping through the cracks of your pop culture knowledge. I’m thoroughly obsessed with most of these artists, and I think it’s important that everyone is aware of what they’re missing out on. Let me know if I missed one of your faves, or if there’s anyone else out there who deserves a deep dive. So little time, so many hot rando singers wearing tiny sunglasses on Instagram.

1. Bebe Rexha

You probably don’t recognize Bebe Rexha’s face, and you might not even recognize her name, but you’ve definitely heard her voice. She first shot up the charts in 2015 on G-Eazy’s song “Me, Myself & I,” and she’s recently had a massive country crossover hit with “Meant To Be” featuring Florida Georgia Line. She was also one of the featured artists on Rita Ora’s song “Girls,” which is iconic for its own reasons. Overall, Bebe has great style, a really charming personality, and a surprisingly great voice. Bebe doesn’t love sharing her personal life, but there have been past rumors about her dating DJ Martin Garrix and former 1D member Louis Tomlinson, both of whom she’s collaborated with. Her debut album, Expectations, is finally here, and Bebe is poised to be a huge star.

“Expectations” is coming. I’m really nervous, but I’m excited too. I’ve been working so hard on this album and I don’t know what to expect. I just want to put it out and then move to a small town in Europe for a couple months and then come out of hiding after. Lol. And hopefully when I come back you’ll love it as much as I do. Xo Bebe

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2. Tinashe

If I’m honest, it’s a fucking crime that Tinashe isn’t a household name by now. She’s been around for a few years, but her biggest hit is still her debut single, “2 On.” You know the one, it’s a goddamn bop. Tinashe has bounced back and forth between a cool R&B/hip-hop sound and more traditional pop, and she’s always claimed Britney Spears as her top musical idol. She was featured on Brit’s song “Slumber Party” a couple years ago, and the video is truly one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen. In recent weeks, Tinashe was in the news because her ex Ben Simmons allegedly cheated on her with Kendall Jenner. Tinashe really deserves better, so you should probably go listen to her new album, Joyride. It’s good, you’ll like it.

Ain’t lookin back on the old me ✨

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3. Troye Sivan

Let me clear the air by noting that I am a gay man and I want to have so much sex with Troye Sivan. Troye, who is both South African and Australian (the accent is glorious) is already a gay icon, but everyone needs to know. His debut album back in 2015 was kind of a moody Lorde vibe, but this year he’s ready to take over the pop world. His songs “Bloom” and “My My My!” are catchy as fuck, and he just dropped a new song featuring our favorite bride-to-be, Ariana Grande. Troye has a hot boyfriend named Jacob Bixenman, and he’s also the new face of both Valentino and Saint Laurent. Pay attention, because this kid is about to be fucking everywhere.

@jasperrischen ????

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4. Dua Lipa

Over the past year, Dua Lipa has made a ton of progress in her career. She released her debut album last summer, and her song “New Rules” was really the only thing that stopped me from sending risky texts in 2017. (But I’m back on my bullshit in 2018, sorry Dua.) Her look is so fucking cool, and all her music is great. Her single “IDGAF” is getting big, and her song “One Kiss” with Calvin Harris is also a major vibe. Dua is only 22, but she’s already had high-profile relationships with a couple people that are definitely UK-famous, even if we haven’t heard of them. Recently, it appears that she’s broken her own rules by getting back with her ex, celebrity chef/model (lol) Isaac Carew. He’s hot AF, but also people think she might be dating Calvin Harris, which I really hope is just a rumor. Calvin, keep your grubby little Taylor Swift hands off our girl.

BONNAROO

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5. Anne-Marie

Anne-Marie is another British dance-pop rising star that I’ve been obsessed with for like, two years because she was on some random Spotify playlist. Can you tell I have a type? She’s had a number of songs that were big hits in the UK, but for some reason no one in the US has really started to care. Start with “Ciao Adios” and “Alarm,” but the more recent song of the summer contender is the throwback anthem “2002.” Actually everything about Anne-Marie gives me an early 2000s vibe, and I’m loving it. Anne-Marie doesn’t like to talk about who she’s dating, but she recently said in an interview that she’s dated both men and women. She’s friends with Ed Sheeran, which is a downside, but nobody’s perfect.

MANCHESTER NIGHT #3 More pics coming tomorrow ???????????????? ????: @willbeach__

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6. Charlie Puth

Okay, you all know about Charlie Puth, but do you really know about Charlie Puth? He’s both talented and hot, and we’ve slept on him for far too long. Actually, scratch that, I would definitely sleep on him. Charlie’s been around for a while, and his biggest hits include “See You Again,” “Marvin Gaye,” unfortunately featuring Meghan Trainor, and “We Don’t Talk Anymore” featuring Selena Gomez, which is a perfect pop song. Actually, I really think Charlie and Selena would make an amazing couple, so like, the universe should make that happen. (I want the record to reflect that I’ve secretly been shipping them for years.) Charlie has an awesome voice, but he also writes and produces all his music himself, which is really impressive. Basically, imagine if Justin Bieber was also Diplo, but also not someone you’d be ashamed to introduce to your dad. The low point of Charlie’s career was when he made out with Meghan Trainor onstage at the American Music Awards, but he basically admitted it was just a publicity stunt.

????

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7. Grimes

Ah yes, Grimes, the indie darling of the past decade. People who like artsy music have been obsessed with Grimes since at least 2012, but she’s never really broken into the mainstream. Really, I’m not sure she wants to. That’s partly why it was so surprising when she showed up at the Met Gala last month with Elon Musk. She’s dated a couple music dudes before, but a public relationship with one of the most rich and famous men in the world is definite departure for her. I’m v curious to see if this will be a more permanent shift in her persona, or just a one-time deal. Either way, her last two albums are excellent, and you should really give them a listen.

A post shared by Grimezsz (@grimes) on

8. Kim Petras

Kim Petras is definitely the least famous person on this list, but I have a feeling that could change soon. Kim is everything a pop princess should be, serving up iconic looks and banger after banger. Her debut single “I Don’t Want It At All” is incredible, and the video features a cameo from Paris Hilton. Kim, who hails from Germany, just launched her music career last year, but she’s actually been famous for a long time. Back in 2008, Kim became one of the youngest people to ever have gender reassignment surgery, at 16, making her kind of an icon in the trans community. It’s been cool to see her resurface as a rising pop star, and she’ll be touring with Troye Sivan this fall.

Jus a ho ass binch ????????‍♀️

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Images: beberexha, tinashenow, troyesivan, dualipa, annemarie, charlieputh, grimes, kimpetras / Instagram

5 Real Life Disasters That Prove Technology Will Kill Us All

We all know that the bros in charge of Silicon Valley are getting rich off stealing all our personal information and probably secretly listening to us talk in order to use our deepest desires and insecurities to sell us shit. What you might not know about are the tech disasters causing actual physical injuries that have been occurring with terrifying frequency lately. Elon Musk and co. aren’t satisfied with just stealing our identities to get rich, they’re also down to literally kill us to do it. Thus, we bring you a roundup of the most worrying examples so you can be fully aware of the bizarre new ways Silicon Valley is setting us up to die in the future. Happy Monday, I hope you brought Xanax to work today.

Self Driving Car Crash

In late March, a Tesla Model X SUV driver was using the car’s Autopilot feature when the car crashed into a concrete highway divider and literally “burst into flames”. The autopilot system is not designed for true self-driving, but is meant to improve the ease and safety of driving while still requiring the human driver to pay attention. This month, in Tesla’s fourth car crash of the year, a Model S on autopilot hit a stopped firetruck. Meanwhile, Tesla CEO Elon Musk appears to be focused on using another Silicon Valley invention, Twitter, to flirt with pop stars. Clearly he has his priorities straight.

Bitcoin Burglary

As if there weren’t enough reasons to hate cryptocurrency, now bitcoin thieves are literally holding people at gunpoint for access to their virtual wallets. Bitcoin is seriously layers of fucked up, from the fact that bitcoin mining uses more fossil fuel energy annually than 19 European countries to the influx of Bitcion-rich bros attempting to basically colonize Hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico and replace it with a crypto utopia literally called Puertopia. As though people don’t, you know, live there. Oh, and the value of a cryptocurrency is truly based on bros sitting around using the pure psychic power of being a white dude to think so hard about how cool their Bitcoin is that the Dow literally decides to agree with them. Must be nice.

Anyway, if all of that doesn’t convince you to stick to normal credit cards or at least Venmo, now purchasing cryptocurrencies might literally get you killed. In Canada, a group of thieves tied up employees at a Bitcoin company and held them hostage at gunpoint in an attempt to extort them for cryptocurrency. In December, bitcoin burglars kidnapped a Ukrainian bitcoin executive and in January another group of armed robbers staged a home break-in and forced a cryptocurrency trader to transfer them his Bitcoin, also at gunpoint. Basically, if your Hinge date this week is a Bitcoin bro, he probably has a shitty personality and he also might get you robbed at gunpoint. Swipe left.

Vaping Explosion

As someone who is not ashamed to charge my vape at a pregame and whose limited edition rose gold Juul might be my prized possession, this one is honestly hard for me to write. Unfortunately, last week a Florida man’s e-cigarette literally killed him after it exploded, leaving him with burns and a fatal head wound. I’m not sure if it’s more embarrassing to die in a hover board or vape explosion, but maybe we should all just stick to legal weed at this point.

Solar Panel Burns

Trying to choose my last fave tech bro is honestly harder than ranking the Trump children on a scale of horribleness. Elon Musk is making a strong case for himself though, starting with his self-driving cars that kill people and coming in hot just this month as reports come out of extreme safety violations at Tesla solar energy plants. One employee was electrically shocked and burned after Tesla did not train workers properly or offer them protective gear to wear while installing solar panels. Basically, even renewable energy that might save us from total climate disaster could also kill us. Great.

Literally Just Stress

To conclude this incredibly depressing listicle (sorry), your future job at a tech startup might have beer and nitro cold brew on tap, but the debilitating stress of your work might drive you to develop high blood pressure, heart problems, and a variety of mental health issues. Silicon Valley has been dealing with some bad PR lately for a few minor things like selling our personal data to the Trump campaign and the aforementioned exploding devices, but the companies have also been receiving flak for stigmatizing mental illness and working their employees to the point of mental exhaustion and depression, with some even committing suicide. Amazon in particular experienced some well-deserved public shaming after a New York Times investigation revealed insane expectations of 24/7 availability and a culture of colleagues sabotaging each other that literally led to people publicly crying at their desks. Cool, sounds like Amazon is a more toxic social environment than my middle school.


Now that you’ve been fully informed of the dangers lurking in your self-driving uber, go soothe yourself by buying some overpriced fusion cuisine from a cash only food truck and driving your own car yourself. It’s not the singularity yet!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

A List Of Single Tech Bros You Can Marry To Get Rich

Anyone who says they haven’t at least thought about what it would be like to marry rich is a fucking liar. Many of us probably spend time imagining the fabulous life you could lead if only you had a romantic meet-cute with Zac Efron (while hiking with your dog in the Los Angeles hills and your pooch runs away straight into his arms… or something. Haven’t put much thought into it). But a life of glamorous riches with a celebrity comes with the price of fame and red carpets and having to work out all the time. So I think it’s time we replace that celebrity fantasy with a successful tech entrepreneur fantasy—because if you want a partner that can support you financially while you pursue your dream job of pop culture blogging/Netflix bingeing, it’d be way cooler if they were also intelligent, inventive, and successful af.

 

Unfortunately our favorite tech boy feminist and Reddit co-founder, Alexis Ohanian, is no longer on the market (one more reason to love Serena Williams), but there are plenty of other viable-ish options out there, and they’re probably online dating (because tech). So get your asses out to Silicon Valley, consider the advantages (besides $$$) and disadvantages of dating a tech founder, and start compiling a list of DM’s to slide into.

Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX

Elon doesn’t really fly under the radar like our other contenders, and you probably won’t find him on Hinge (unfortunately). But he recently split from Amber Heard, so he is definitely emotionally unavailable on the market. He runs Tesla, SpaceX and The Boring Company—which is digging holes in L.A. to get rid of traffic, so he’s a total do-gooder and world saver. He’s worth about $19 billion, has been divorced three times (twice from the same woman), and only has six children for you to help raise. 

Advantages: All the Teslas in the world, and a good chance he would take you to Mars.

Disadvantages: He runs like, a million companies and has like, a million children, so there probably isn’t much time for cuddles. 

Jack Dorsey: Twitter

Jack is the CEO and co-founder of Twitter and the CEO and founder of Square (Venmo’s less successful stepsister). He’s 41 years old and worth around $3 billion. He has tattoos and stuff so he was probably an emo kid in high school, and I once saw him speak at a Square holiday party—he’s SUPER into himself. Maybe you’ll be into him too.

Advantages: Maybe you could get him to disable Trump’s Twitter account, for good.

Disadvantages: Twitter has gone through a few rounds of layoffs recently, and his companies don’t appear to have any way of ever making money. 

John Zimmer: Lyft

As the co-founder and president of Lyft (a company worth $11 billion), John could definitely provide for an intellectually challenging and financially supportive lifestyle. Plus Uber is the worst, which makes Lyft (its top competitor) the best, right? John is 33 years old, a self-proclaimed nice guy (hopefully not too nice because nobody wants that), and your mom will totally love him. 

Advantages: Free rides for life.

Disadvantages: Potential pink mustache fetish. 

Drew Houston: Dropbox

Drew is the founder and CEO of Dropbox, that file storing and sharing software that somehow still hasn’t figured out how to make file storing and sharing all that easy. He’s worth an estimated $1 billion and sorta looks like a chubbier version of Elon Musk—no, just me? He loves talking about being a founder and he could probably be a boyfriend/life coach hybrid if you are into that sort of thing. 

Advantages: Unlimited storage for your food pics.

Disadvantages: You would have to figure out how Dropbox works.

Images: Wikimedia (5)