What Now? ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season 4 Predictions

This week was the season three finale of The Handmaid’s Tale, and after a lackluster, dragged-out season, we finally got our reward for sticking it out. The finale gave me everything I want from a dramatic finale—I cried, and honestly that’s all I’m looking for out of finales. I lost count of the number of times my jaw hit the floor, and at one point I spilled an entire glass full of Sauvignon Blanc on my new mattress. At some point June went from being a Handmaid to a mob boss, but like a good mob boss, you know?

I breathed a sigh of relief as the other Handmaids appeared from the mist to carry June’s bleeding body through the woods and giddily texted a friend “WHAT NOW!?” as the credits started rolling. So…what now? Well I’m obviously not a Hulu exec, but I have some predictions for The Handmaid’s Tale season 4.

June Isn’t Going Anywhere

The plane is gone, and with it, June’s opportunity of flying out of Gilead. But here’s the thing about June: she’s the star so like…she’s not going to be killed off. If Elisabeth Moss was considering pulling a Steve Carrell à la The Office and departing her well-rated show before we’re given a satisfying ending, more time would have been spent building up the story line of one of the other peripheral characters, but nobody has been built up enough to take over the mighty shoes that June would leave behind.

Rita, Emily & Moira Will Slay

Rita is a boss-ass bitch too, and hopefully we’ll get a lot more of her in season 4, as well as more of Moira, who we were kind of cheated out of this season, what with only a few memorable scenes. In regards to Emily, I could not be happier about Alexis Bledel’s career trajectory. Like, who knew Rory Gilmore could act like that!? She can like, really act! For that reason I think (and hope) we get more of Emily next season.

Commander Lawrence’s Reprise

So the plane is gone, and with it a whole slew of Marthas and a sh*t ton of kids. It’s inevitable that The Handmaid’s Tale season 4 premiere will open with all the commanders and all the wives waking up and discovering that all of their precious little stolen children are missing, like Christmas morning in Whoville, only the Grinch won’t be held responsible this time. Commander Lawrence stayed behind in a final act of bravery, and I predict he’ll take the blame and coincidentally the glory for June’s work and definitely be hung on the wall, which is sad but also let us not forget it’s largely his fault everyone’s in this situation. He’s like the friend who suggests going to a terrible restaurant then takes all the glory when he picks up the check…like yeah you should pay for it because you’re the only goddamn reason we’re here.

With Lawrence potentially out of the picture, his big Frankensteiny mansion will just be sitting there rotting. Location is everything when it comes to real estate and Gilead is no longer the hot place to be buying! Even if Lawrence ends up keeping his life, and his book- and probably roach-filled house, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of that house yet. June and the other Handmaids will make it their headquarters/hideout, because after all, everyone in Gilead will assume they’re gone along with everyone else. June is known to be the boss bitch on the block and if they’re assuming she’s the brains behind this heist they’ll assume she was the first one on that plane too.

Aunt Lydia v June: Two Enter, One Leaves

With that sneaky bitch Aunt Lydia snooping around like your little sister sniffing out your brand new Abercrombie clothes in high school, she’s bound to be a problem, and we’ve waited three full seasons for that showdown of the century, Aunt Lydia Vs. June. Maybe Aunt Lydia will turn Lawrence style, or maybe she’ll make it her personal mission to take down June—either way it’s going to make a killer episode. With surprisingly little mention about Hannah in the finale, June will return her laser focus on getting her daughter back like a college sophomore with a re-upped Adderall prescription, so Aunt Lydia is sure to get in the way.

Canada’s Done Playing

This is the second consecutive Handmaid’s finale we’ve watched June just barely miss her escape, but like a phoenix from the ashes, or your drunk friend that throws up before getting her second wind, June will rise again and be stronger than ever. After all, there are still kids left in Gilead and June is setting herself up to be the hero of the future history books. She’ll help get more women and children out with no regard to her own personal safety, she’s clearly decided this cause is worth her life and it’s making for such a better viewing experience. With all of these new arrivals in Canada they’re not going to be able to ignore what’s happening in Gilead, and maybe we’ll get an invasion of some sort, with Luke, Emily, Moira and Rita all campaigning to get June back who knows how far they’ll go?

Orange Is The New Waterfords

Watching the demise of the Waterfords unfold should be a joy ride we’ve all earned. With Serena getting re-arrested and losing her immunity, I can’t help but feel giddy that we’ll get to see her behind bars with the people she tortured in Gilead on the other side. Imagine June visiting a locked up Serena!? It’s all too damn much and I can’t wait for it. Mr. Waterford is a genuine piece of sh*t, and he’ll make sure Serena rots along side him, and while part of me feels bad for her, she’s like….a terrible person, plus she’s such an amazing actress, can you imagine the monologues she’ll deliver from her orange jumpsuit? Seeing as baby Nichole has literally no Waterford blood and it’s now out in the open, I think the days of worrying about her going back to them are in the past, bless up. I’m also super excited for Nick’s reprise, partly because of his newly uncovered mysterious past, mostly because he’s so goddamn hot.

I guess we’ll have to wait until season four premieres to really know what’s going to go down in Gilead, and hopefully we don’t have to sit though 10 f*cking episodes to wait for it get good again, but frankly it could be 13 episodes of Elisabeth Moss staring directly into camera and I would still tune in. Until then, under his eye.

Images: Hulu; Giphy (5)

Return Of The Jezebels: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

There are two episodes left of Handmaid’s Tale season three, which is really too bad because I feel like they are just hitting their stride. It took us 10 episodes to figure out wtf this season was going to be about, but now we have it: June is going to help get an assload of kids out of Gilead. Feel like that could have been introduced in episode one.

We open on muffins. 52 muffins, to be exact. Each one representing a different child a Martha would like to help get out of Gilead. TBH the prevalence of muffins throughout this episode made me have to pause and revisit this early internet video. Simpler times. In the living room, crazy Madame Zaddy is casually threatening to shoot Commander Z at point-blank range. None of this phases June in the slightest, who begins talking Madame Z down with absolutely zero urgency.

June: I mean, you could kill him, but then our plan to escape would be ruined, so maybe don’t?

Luckily this line of thinking works on Madame Z, who decides not to shoot her husband in their living room after all. Good on her.

June and Commander Z then take a moment for a post-attempted-murder cooldown, and she informs him that they now need room in a van for 52 children, not the 10 they had previously agreed upon. But what’s 42 extra children among friends, eh?

Roadtrippin’ With The Waterfords

Cut to: the Waterfords headed out for a little road trip. It’s just Fred, Serena, the open road, and whatever meds they take to sleep at night. We’re not sure exactly what the plan is, but it looks like they’re driving up north to meet up with Serena’s Canadian buddy in hopes of negotiating for Nichole. Also, it’s just fun to get away for a while, isn’t it? Living in a tyrannical religious patriarchy state is exhausting. Like most impromptu couples’ road trips, this will either be the thing that saves their marriage, or the thing that ruins them. We’ll have to see which.

To show how fun and cool their trip is going to be, Fred lets Serena drive. It almost makes you forget that she could do this all the time if it weren’t for the government he created.

Serena driving:

The Meeting Of The Marthas

Back in Boston, June has been summoned before a tribunal of angry Marthas who all want to know what she means by “I’m getting 52 children out of Gilead.”

Beth Giving June Advice For Talking To The Marthas/My Friends Giving Me Advice Before Going Out Anywhere: Don’t ask any questions. Don’t say anything extra.

Right off the bat, the Marthas let June know that they can and will kill her. (This is also how I start all of my business meetings.) Luckily, Beth vouches for June and they come to a compromise: the Marthas will let June do her little “saving dozens of children” thing, if she waits to do it until a special shipment they’ve been working on arrives.

The big takeaway from this scene? Do not f*ck with the Marthas. They are no joke.

Unfortunately, June leaves the meeting and realizes that the Martha’s death threats are the least of her worries, as it appears Commander and Madame Zaddy have ghosted their plan and run off on their own. You hate to see it. Commander Z at least had the decency to leave behind an “I’m Sorry” post-it, à la Berger in SATC.

Not to be deterred, June then decides to do the thing she promised not to do five minutes ago and f*ck with the Marthas’ big shipment, using the rock-solid logic that “any plane that flies in has to fly out.” I mean, show me the lie?

Roadtrippin’ Pt. 2

Serena and Fred decide to crash at a random family’s house (I guess hotels aren’t a thing in Gilead) and take a cute walk down memory lane.

Serena: Remember my first book?
Fred: You were such a good writer!
Serena: Yeah, that was before we helped blow up the White House and installed a religious autocracy that took all my rights way…why did we do that again?

Serena then low-key blames Fred for the fact that Gilead happened, and I have to call bullsh*t. We all know I’m not one to stan for Fred Waterford, but they both made Gilead happen. Like, isn’t his exactly what Serena’s book was advocating? Didn’t she basically go on a speaking tour across America to say women should stay in the home? Did she think that meant all women except for her?

Fred and Serena then have the customary “let’s move here!” talk that every couple must have when they go on a vacation anywhere. I’m sorry, but am I supposed to care about Serena and Fred’s love story here? Am I supposed to be happy that they’re reconnecting in the forest? Because I don’t and I’m not. Sorry.

The Jezebels

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Commander Zaddy. Just like any other man who ghosts, just when you think he’s gone forever he shows back up looking all sorry and sh*t. Pathetic. Turns out Z doesn’t have the right clearance to get out, meaning the government has caught onto the fact that he was less than thrilled at the prospect of assaulting his handmaid—a dead giveaway for a #resistance fighter.

Once again, none of this phases June, and she tells CZ to shut the f*ck up and take her into the city so she can work on her plan to steal the Marthas’ plane. CZ drops June off at Jezebel headquarters, where she looks for “Billy” aka the guy who arranged the plane.

First question: where did June get all this going out gear? She’s got a full face of makeup, backless dress, and her hair is curled. Was all this sh*t just lying around the Lawrence household? Was Madame Zaddy a party girl before the war?

June’s plan actually goes extremely well and it takes about five minutes for her to arrange to get the children out in exchange for some Picassos the Lawrences have lying around. Sadly, just as she’s about to leave she gets spotted by none other than creepy Commander Winslow. I guess if you decide to take a trip to a prostitution palace, you should be preparted to get pulled into some light prostitution.

He takes June back to his room and you think we’re going to get a classic Handmaid’s assault scene, but not this time! June and Commander Winslow get into a huge fight and she ends up stabbing him with a pen like, one hundred times and then killing him with the base of lamp.

Who among us hasn’t gone out for the night, only to end up going home with some lame guy, deciding you’re not into it, and stabbing him to death with a pen? Typical #SaturdayVibes for sure.

June then finds herself stumbling out of a guy’s room, covered in blood (again, who hasn’t?), where she is discovered by…one of the Marthas she saved from the colonies! The Martha recognizes June, even with all the makeup and blood, and helps her escape out the freight elevator to sleep off her murder hangover.

Road Trippin’ Pt. 3

Serena and Fred head back out on the open road, where they finally meet up with SJ’s hot American friend living in Canada. He tells them he has a “safe place for them to talk just down the road” and then they proceed to follow him for what looks like hundreds of miles.

Fred, A Genius: Hey! This isn’t just down the road!

Finally, they stop and get out of the car and…SURPRISE! They’re in Canada now and being arrested for war crimes! Oops! As they’re arresting Fred and Serena, they read him his crimes which include “kidnapping, torture, slavery, and rape,” to name a few.

Serena This Whole Time:

Me This Whole Time: Charge him with being a little bitch!

The End

Cut to: June waking up in her clothes from the night before thinking something like, “what happened last night? I vaguely remember killing a guy…”

We then have a montage of June getting ready in her handmaid clothes cut with the Marthas cleaning up all the evidence of Commander Winslow’s murder, including disposing of his body in an incinerator.

The moral of this story? The Marthas are the realest in the game. Make sure you have some Marthas in your life.

We end on Commander Zaddy giving June a gun and telling her the government will be coming for them soon. Considering how much damage she was able to do with a pen, I’m excited to see where this goes. Until next week!

Images: Giphy; HBO

Scones Mean No: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

How are we feeling, Handmaid-heads? This week’s recap is rated NC-17 so please don’t read it out loud to your kids! Considering how much of this week’s plot revolved around semen, it’s really the best I could do. We begin with just a snippet of Symphony Number 9 by Beethoven (deep cut) before we go straight to June, limping her way back to Commander Zaddy’s house with Aunt Lydia. Apparently Lydia’s plan to move June out of the Lawrence house from two episodes ago is no longer a thing.

Lydia: You’re a good girl, OfJoseph.
Me: Didn’t you and all the other aunts just do a roundtable shit talking sesh of her? Two-faced bitches…

Turns out the Lawrences have redecorated to “D.C. standards” according to “Commander Waterford’s proclamation.” Now the Waterfords aren’t only rich family in Gilead that can’t bring themselves to buy a f*cking lamp.

In the kitchen, June catches up with Beth the Martha, who tells her that the delicious basket of scones on the table are actually a message from the #Resistance telling her they can’t get any more meds for Madame Zaddy, whose mental illness has been getting worse. This is why we take our meds, people.

Martha Beth: Scones mean no.
Me: Aaaaand I know what my new tattoo is going to say!

June wastes no time letting everybody know about her plan to free all the children in Gilead. Apparently she’s completely cured of the insanity she displayed the past two episodes, and nobody is going to bring it up again, just like the time I lost my sh*t during Spring Break and had to leave Cabo early. Oops.

June: I’m going to free all the children!
Martha Beth:

Sure Jan

Finally Commander Zaddy/Lawrence appears, looking all conflicted.

June: You know you could free your wife and take her to Canada where she could get help.
Lawrence: Okay well you’ve been home for less than five minutes, so why don’t you chill?

At the Grocery Store AKA The Den of the Resistance

June heads over to the juice aisle, which is basically a freedom fighters’ bunker at this point, to tell OfRobert about her amazing plan to free all the children.

OfRobert: I can’t talk to you. They’re watching us. And you’re really conspicuous.

Finally, somebody tells her.

The handmaids are then all ushered to a stadium that is conveniently attached to the grocery store for an “inspection” by none other than Fred Waterford, the human embodiment of the word “ugh”. He has taken his micropenis compensation tour to DC, where he’s doing fabulously. He arrives and starts bothering June immediately, like an ex who texts you “merry Christmas” after not seeing him for seven months.

Fred is joined by Commander Winslow (or, as he is known in the comment section, Commander Stabler) and Serena Joy, who opts not to mention the fact that last time she and June hung out, June tried to stab her with a tiny knife. Tactful.

Stabler immediately starts going in on all the handmaids and points out Janine’s new velvet eyepatch as not “regulation.”

Me/Aunt Lydia’s Inner Monologue: YOU KEEP JANINE’S NAME OUT YOUR MOUTH BITCH!!!!!

Commander Winslow then turns to June to ask her how she’s liking living with Commander Lawrence, to which she replies that he “treats her with respect.”

Fred: What…..is…..that?

Back at Commander Zaddy’s

June has been free for 48 hours and wastes no time breaking into offices to steal important documents. She’s in Commander Lawrence’s office, which is literally full of books. Stacks and stacks of books—Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Other Boleyn Girl—he’s got ‘em all. Just as she’s about to give up her search, June finds a valuable ally in Madame Zaddy, who can probably still smell June’s crazy and sees her as a kindred spirit. Despite all the sh*t everyone has been talking about her, Mrs. Lawrence seems pretty with it and cool at this moment. Maybe the best medicine for her illness is…collusion!??!

Luckily for June who, in case you forgot, is going to free all of the children, her commander keeps files on all the children born to handmaids in Gilead conveniently located in his basement.

June gets the documents and immediately turns to her own file, which is kind of like when you look at your own Insta page to try and see how it looks through someone else’s eyes. (We all do this, right??)

June: Have you ever considered leaving Gilead?
Madame Z: You mean go somewhere where I could get mood stabilizers instead of herbal tea?
June: ….yes

Honestly are we even sure that Madame Zaddy is crazy? Or is she just another woman who has fallen victim to that label when really she’s just having normal emotional reactions to the intensity of her surroundings? **exhales large puff of marijuana smoke**

Sadly, MZ explains can’t just leave because her husband is a “war criminal” who “invented the colonies” and is “responsible for unspeakable torture and death.” Don’t ya just hate when that happens?

Anyway, this scene ends with MZ finding a mysterious looking special box and bouncing back upstairs.

At the Waterfords’ Hotel

Back at their hotel, Fred is clearly jealous that June has found a new commander who is cool and not a rapist. As most insecure people do, he then immediately starts talking sh*t on Lawrence to Winslow, dragging him for not getting any of his handmaids pregnant. As we know, Fred is just projecting here because he knows deep in his soul that he is the one who is shooting blanks and he couldn’t get a handmaid pregnant if he came in her brain. (I told you this was rated NC-17.)

Then Fred and Winslow start speaking cryptically about a way to “ensure virility” in the Lawrence household and Serena Joy is like, “Uh…isn’t that a little extreme?” The last time something like this happened, Fred assaulted June into going into labor, so I think we can all tell immediately that whatever the f*ck this is, it’s not going to be good.

The Ceremony

June gets called in from looking up where all her friend’s children are (Janine’s son is dead, btw) by a very freaked-out looking Martha who tells her “they need you in the sitting room.”


It’s immediately clear that things are set up for Ceremony, which makes me realize we haven’t seen a Ceremony at all since last season. Not that I’m complaining.

Fred, Serena, Winslow, and Aunt Lydia all show up and we realize that apparently tonight’s ceremony is also a group date. I’m immediately like, okay so where is this going exactly? Are they gonna watch them do it? Are they gonna put them into bed and then check the sheets like in Shakespearean times? Will Aunt Lydia sub in and give Lawrence a hand job?

Eventually we find out that while they are not going to actually watch the Ceremony go down (good), they are going to have a doctor immediately “examine” June to make sure she has man seed inside her. For religious folk, these Gileadens really are freaks.

For his part, Commander Lawrence is extremely not into what is happening and immediately tries to find a way to get out of it. So was I, as I was watching it. Suddenly I’m over here thinking that maybe he could finish in his own hand and then give it to her somehow and then she would—you know what, I’m not even going to finish this.

Sadly, there is no way out and it is June herself who has to tell Commander and Madame Z that they’re just gonna have to f*ck now. MZ does not love this idea, which again, isn’t really all that crazy and is a pretty appropriate reaction for what is happening around her. She starts screaming and sh*t but then June, who has gone from insane herself to human Prozac in just one episode, calms her down.

They have sex—or whatever you would call what just happened between the two of them—but for the first time ever, Handmaid’s Tale doesn’t make us watch it. Thanks, I guess? As promised, June is “examined” in front of an audience of three people and found to be sufficiently cream-pied (I believe that is the medical term).

TLDR: I think the whole point of this scene is to show Lawrence that the world he cannot protect himself or his wife from the world he has created, and force him to #resist. Also we learn that the punishment for using contraception is being torn apart by dogs.

At the Waterfords’ Hotel

Cut to: the Waterfords relaxing after a hard day of rape by proxy.

Serena is annoyed at Fred for focusing on his career over their kidnapped baby. She then tells him about her hot American friend in Canada who gave her ciggs that one time, and tells friend they can work with him to get baby Nichole back. F*ck the Waterfords.

The End

Our episode ends with June convincing OfRobert and Janine to help her get all the children out of Gilead. With Commander Z fully flipped, June now has access to a truck. June does not tell Janine that her son is dead, which is probably wise.

Back at the Lawrence residence, Beth the Martha put out feelers for the whole “freeing the children” and the response was…not scones!!! It’s muffins!!! Scones mean no!!! Muffins mean yes!!! June is really going to save the children!!!

This moment of triumph is ruined by June looking to camera and saying, “we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” at which point I threw my laptop across the room. I’ll leave you with this video of comedian Andrew Farmer doing an impression of Ann Dowd (Aunt Lydia) as Ursula the sea witch. Enjoy.

Ann Dowd as Ursula the Sea Witch. Come on. #AnnDowdAsEveryVillain pic.twitter.com/czGuKbJ39o

— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) May 24, 2019


Who Is The Seth Cohen of Gilead? ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

Back to Gilead! Let’s dive into the horrors Hulu has brought to us this week, shall we? We open on a Canadian protest, which I imagine is a very polite affair. Baby Nichole, a hardened member of antifa at this point, is on the front lines with Luke, her new pseudo-dad. Based on the epic fatness of her widdle cheeks, it seems like Nichole is thriving. Good for her.

You know who is not thriving? June, who is still sadly being forced to hang out with OfMatthew the Narc at the grocery store. June is tuning out OfMatthews’s narc-ery by dreaming about having sex with Luke at the clurb. This is also how I get through talking to annoying people.

June: Nobody dies from lack of sex.
Me: Speak for your damn self.

OfMatthew takes this opportunity to make a dig at June about Luke (could she tell June was just thinking about it? Does OfMatthew have a radar for horniness?), to which June responds “bite me.” Good for June.

It turns out that all of Gilead is looking for Luke, echoing my sentiments last recap that this thing with Baby Nichole is going to turn into an Elian Gonzalez situation, except instead of being saved by dolphins she was saved by Emily. (If you don’t know wtf I’m talking about www.google.com can help.)

Cut to: Fred and SJ at a meeting to talk sh*t about Luke. Gilead has apparently hacked Nichole’s medical records, which gives Serena what the kids call “all the feels.” Clearly being separated from her daughter has caused Serena significant mental distress, even though she knows her child is going to a better place. It’s almost as though separating children from their families is extremely traumatizing for everyone involved and should be reserved for the most extreme circumstances?! Food for thought.

Fred: Help me understand what it is that you want.
SJ: Well two weeks ago I had ten fingers and a baby and now I don’t have either so maybe let’s start there?

At Commander Zaddy’s Place

Cut to: June at the door, lurking and listening, aka doing what she does best. Turns out the Waterfords have stopped by for a casual chat. Who would have guessed in season one that these guys would form a mini friend group? They’re going to parties together, they’re hanging out after hours. I bet their group chat is littttt.

Turns out they’re not just there to shoot the sh*t, though. They want to arrange a meeting with Baby Nichole. Damn, Baby Nichole! She’s going to meetings! She’s out here protesting! She has a more active life than I do and I’m 29 years old. Wow.

SJ: Call your husband.
June: Oh yeah I’ll grab my cell phone and do that.

June tries to convince SJ this is a bad idea, to no avail. She’s like, “girl, listen, I know how this goes and it absolutely ends with you and her new mom talking about hypoallergenic dogs while you get arrested. Trust me.” Serena won’t hear it, so June decides the best course of action is to just go along with this extremely bad idea in hopes that SJ will owe her one later. Solid choice.

Cut to: June sitting at Commander Zaddy’s desk like a goddamn boss. She attempts to call Luke once but he ignores it, just as any respectable individual who receives a call from a blocked number would do. He picks up on the second attempt, probably assuming she’s one of those Chinese telemarking services that calls from a number that looks like yours.

Luke: Hey can you take me off the li—
June: Heyyyyy it’s me!

Can you imagine picking up a call that you 100% thought was your student loan company and having it be your long-lost wife? TG he didn’t let it go to voicemail. That’s where phone calls go to die.

June: I need you to go to the Toronto airport to meet the Waterfords. Bring Nichole.
Luke and Everyone Else on the Planet: Uh that sounds like a really bad idea?

Ultimately Luke agrees because like, if your kidnapped wife calls you for the first time in years to ask you for one favor you kind of have to do it. You can’t really be like, “ahhh the next two weeks are kind of crazy for me but maybe check back in a month?” Also, like any respectable person, Luke refuses to meet with Fred, meaning SJ has to go alone. Cue Serena Joy’s Eat, Pray Love: Canada Edition! It takes place entirely in the Toronto airport and she doesn’t eat anything but there is a lot of praying.

Commander Zaddy tries to offer June a handkerchief for her tears when she’s done with the call, but she slaps his hand away like a boss. She’s a stone cold bitch who cries for no man. Also she has PTSD and has to shut down to deal with trauma. Relatable!

The Mix Tapes

Next thing we know we’re with June and Crazy Madame Zaddy, who may not be so crazy after all. She tells June that Commander Z used to “curate cassette tapes for in college,” which is the least romantic way of saying your boyfriend made you mix CDs that I’ve ever heard.

This revelation comes as no surprise. Of course Commander Zaddy is one of those mix tape-making Seth Cohen motherf*ckers. Of course he is an indie boy. It’s always the f*cking indie boys. They start out all nice and cute and sensitive, and then the next thing you know they’re yelling about being friend-zoned and inventing the colonies. Typical sadboi behavior. Given my dating history, I can’t believe I didn’t spot it sooner.

Cut to: June hauling ass to the attic to find the mix tapes and see if they’re embarrassing. Surprisingly, they are not—though one of the tapes is called “A MIXTAPE MIASMA,” another typical indie boy move. TBH based on the first song alone this mix tape slaps. Pass Commander Zaddy the aux any day of the week.

Serena In Canada

Next, we see Serena getting ready for her big vacation to the Toronto airport. She is going to bring Nichole a giant hideous necklace to remember her by. Sure, Serena. Sure. Before SJ leaves, Rita gives her a grubby little package that SJ is supposed to pass on to Luke.

Okay, can I just pause and say, how the f*ck is this happening without any government intervention? Once again, the rules of Gilead are all over the place. Two episodes ago, June was getting in trouble for “gossiping” at the grocery store, but now Mr. Waterford is chartering a plane and negotiating with the Canaian government and the government has no f*cking clue?? Tell me how.

SJ arrives in Canada and changes into some sensible flats and a cowl neck sweater, courtesy of the hot Canadian government official she met on her last trip. He’s apparently there to make sure everything goes okay and SJ doesn’t pull a Janine and try to jump off the airbridge with her baby. Good call.

Serena: Hi

Luke is absolutely stone cold, and like, I get it. He doesn’t know that Serena Joy lost her finger and had a change of heart. All he knows is that she held his wife prisoner in her home while her husband assaulted her regularly. Pretty good reason to hold a grudge, imho.

The meeting goes…not great. Luke isn’t very interested in giving Nichole the hideous necklace, which causes the old Serena to go claws out and basically low-key threaten June. It works in that Luke agrees to take the necklace, but it doesn’t work in that I doubt Luke will be inviting her to Nichole’s first birthday party or anything.

He does let her hold Nichole a little bit before heading back to Gilead with her sh*t husband and her leather finger. That was nice of him. He is repaid for his kindness by listening to a mix tape from June (this is what June wanted SJ to pass along) that is actually a cleverly disguised recording of her telling him Nichole isn’t a baby born of assault, but actually a baby born of love with her hot new military boyfriend.

I leave this scene thinking about Luke realizing that he’s been free as a bird in Canada for years getting absolutely no ass while June is getting dicked down by a hot ROTC guy on the daily while also living in a patriarchal religious slave state. That probably hurts more than the cheating, if you ask me.

Back In Gilead

Cut to: a single shot of the Zaddy family creepily listening to “Cruel to be Kind” in their living room and not talking to each other. How very Seth and Summer of them.

Serena returns to Mr. Waterford, who was not allowed in Canada because he (say it louder for the people in the back) absolutely sucks ass. He tells Serena that her relationship with Nichole “doesn’t have to be over,” and it’s like…see, Luke? This is why you have to be at least semi-nice to the crazy rich lady from Gilead who is obsessed with your baby. Have you seen her eyebrows? You don’t mess with women whose eyebrows are that good. You just don’t.

Meanwhile, June is back at the grocery story with OfNarcthew, who is actually being semi-cool for once. She apologizes for being such a bitch earlier and reveals it is because she is pregnant again. She is very sad and clearly just generally not jazzed about carrying her rapist’s baby to term. If only she had access to a safe, legal medical procedure that would help her end her pregnancy so she would not have to endure that trauma. If only.

Moments later June is arrested and I’m like, “this is why you shouldn’t be gossiping at the grocery store, bitch! You’ve been warned!” It’s honestly hard to tell what June is being arrested for at this moment. For kidnapping her baby? For attempting to kidnap her other baby? For setting up a meeting between the first kidnapped baby and her half-mom? There are so many options.

Turns out this isn’t an arrest. It’s a forced television appearance for which they make June change into a whole new handmaid outfit, complete with shawl. Just as I predicted, the Waterfords are now making an international appeal to get Nichole back, and June has to be present because…? I feel like it doesn’t help your cause to remind the entire world that this baby actually belongs to the sex slave behind you, but whatever. The entire broadcast is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen, with the scary-ass Waterfords crying to the camera in front of their own demonic portrait.

Any reasonable human who watched this psychotic press conference would absolutely never give these freaks their baby back, and would probably start donating to a “save the babies of Gilead” fund immediately out of sheer horror. But I guess we’ll have to wait until next episode to see how the world reacts.

Images: Giphy (2); Tenor; Hulu

5 Predictions We Have For ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season 3

Blessed be the fruit! The Handmaid’s Tale season 3 is upon us and I, for one, am very excited to get back to traumatizing myself for an hour every Wednesday. In typical Handmaid’s Tale fashion, the newly released trailer features some cryptic voiceover by our girl Offred (June if you’re nasty), and some very tantalizing clues as to what may happen next season. After watching approximately 10,000 times, here are some predictions…

1. Offred Moves In With Commander Lawrence

I mean…she can’t go back to the Waterfords, and his handmaid just escaped, so it’s kind of perfect, no? The trailer shows multiple shots of June in with Commander Lawrence (aka Zaddy) in his house, and we know as of the season two finale that he’s a good guy (despite the fact that he created the colonies) so this just makes logical sense. What doesn’t make logical sense is that Offred appears to be chilling in public in both Handmaid and Martha attire with no disguise, even though she must be the most wanted woman in the whole country? Like, what is this shot of her just standing in the middle of a government building like it’s NBD? Do these people not realize they are in the presence of OFFRED, the Beyoncé of Gilead? I am confused.

2. Serena Goes Full Good-Guy

What Serena Joy has lost in fingers she will make up for in good deeds this season. SJ began this transformation at the end of season two by giving June the baby, but does one measly baby-handing-over make up for the fact that to get said baby she masterminded the assault of a pregnant woman? I think not. In the trailer, we see a flash of Serena when June talks about “powerful allies,” so I think it’s safe to say Serena will be working for the #Resistance and trying to create some much better Karma for herself next season. The trailer ends with a shot of her and June enjoying a cig by the pool, so it looks like they’re going to collab on a big project very soon (see item #5 for my guess as to what that may be…).

3. Aunt Lydia Is Alive

The biggest spoiler from the trailer is that Aunt Lydia is, apparently, alive. Unless that shot of her is from a flashback, which I think is unlikely. She seemed pretty f*cking dead last we saw her, considering Emily stabbed her, pushed her over a bannister, and kicked her down the stairs, but I’ve watched TV long enough to know that no character that dies in one season’s finale isn’t actually dead until it is confirmed in next season’s premier. I predict Aunt Lydia’s brush with death will end up being the thing that turns her good, and will give us more insight into how she became the Dark Doula of Gilead.

4. The Waterfords Get A Lamp

May the Lord open a goddamn window in this bitch!!!!! This is less of a prediction and more of a sincere hope, but now that the Waterfords have to rebuild their house I hope they use that opportunity to buy a goddamn lamp. People complained about the Battle of Winterfell on Game of Thrones episode being hard to see, but every scene at Chez Waterford is like a sensory deprivation tank. I’m just praying that the well-lit pool room at the end of the trailer is in the Waterfords’ new house so that Serena Joy can get some much needed vitamin D on that finger nub. Please, Hulu. I want to be able to see everything when she and June finally kill Mr. Waterford.

Which brings me to my final prediction…

5. Mr. Waterford Dies

I’m sorry, but this motherf*cker has got to go. It may be wishful thinking, but I am predicting that Serena and June tag-team killing Mr. Waterford this season and resume their old job of pretending to be him in letters. Between the multiple assaults, domestic violence, letting the government cut off his wife’s finger, and the fact that he revealed last season he does not know how to make tea, this character is done. I know he’s a main character but if Game of Thrones could kill off Ned Stark, Handmaid’s Tale can kill this gangly-ass Bible-thumping Harvey Weinstein. End of rant.

Images: Giphy (5)