Elf : It’s more than just a Will Ferrell movie that we conveniently like to pretend Zooey Deschanel isn’t in. It’s a movement. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a Christmas staple. No, seriously—I dare you to turn on USA Network anytime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and not see that shit playing on loop. There’s a reason Elf is so ubiquitous around this time of year, and it’s because, in addition to being hilarious, it’s also relatable AF. Well, parts of it anyway. I’ve compiled the realest moments from this amazing movie into list format. You are welcome.
1. When your friend makes it through the work week without stabbing any coworkers
2. When he said he’d call you at 8:30 and it’s now 8:31 and you haven’t heard from him
3. When you drink coffee that’s not from Starbucks
4. Literally at all times
5. When you wonder if there’s any way things can get any worse and the universe answers
6. Your boss trying to motivate you like
7. When you eat so many Christmas cookies you feel like puking even though you told yourself you’d only have one
8. When you match with that one overenthusiastic guy on Hinge
9. When the tiniest inconvenience happens
10. Making plans like
11. When you have to act like you have no idea why your card got declined
12. When your ex doesn’t get the hint that you don’t fuck with him
13. Me, looking for all the fucks I give
14. Actual footage of me exercising
15. When I get drunk and think I know how to break dance
Now that Thanksgiving has passed, we’ve all gained 20 pounds, gone down the dark road that is family time, and are on the darker road to Chrismahanakwazakah, it’s time to round up the absolute best
ways to kill time alone because sweatpants is all that fits us right now holiday movies. Yah, we’ve all seen them a million times, they’re tacky, and you may be caught dabbing tears out of your eyes, but they’re one of the only things that make us feel feelings during this season of materialism, overcooked in-law dinners, and ironic sweaters. May you, too, be filled with fuzzy and warm feelings of holiday cheer or just get really drunk and enjoy these.
This is Will Ferrell at his fucking finest. Traipsing through New York, getting plowed into by taxis, tasting shitty coffee, and singing loud for all to hear are all part of this magical adventure, and I’m honestly here for it. If you haven’t said “Byeeee Buddy, hope you find your dad” to at least one friend when she wanders out of a bar, I don’t want to know you.
2. ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’
If you like, need to cry and feel appreciated, this is probs what you should watch. Grab your sweatpants and watch the 1940s movie that will make you feel low-key annoyed no guy ever offered to buy you the moon.
3. ‘Die Hard’
I don’t even care if this doesn’t count—it’s amazing. It’s amazing in July, it’s amazing in September, and goddamnit, it’s amazing at Christmas time. Watching Bruce Willis in his glory days thwart crime while making v 80s comebacks is perfect with alcoholic eggnog and a slice of pie.
4. ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’
This OG creepy claymation movie is life. It’s the ultimate story of revenge—kid gets made fun of for having what is clearly a serious deformity, runs away, meets a monster and homeless Yukon pervert who licks gold, kidnaps a lady deer, then takes vengeance and highjacks Santa’s sleigh. That’s pretty much exactly how this movie goes, with all its 60s wholesomeness plus some sing-a-longs.
5. ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’
NOT THE ATROCIOUSLY BAD JIM CARREY VERSION. I’m talking the original animated 30-minute Grinch that struck fear into children’s hearts back in the 60s. Not only do I know all the words to every song in this feature, but I identify a lot with the Grinch, who, at the end of the day, just wanted some goddamn peace and quiet. My heart, too, is several sizes too small, and I’m not ashamed of that.
6. National Lampoon’s ‘Christmas Vacation’
Nothing helps me identify with feeling like I’m in a goddamn insane asylum when my in-laws are around than watching Chevy Chase literally hallucinate imaginary women in this classic. If you, too, get kicks from animals being electrocuted by trees, sewage running down streets, and rampant child endangerment, this is the movie for you.
7. ‘Home Alone’
Full disclosure, I hadn’t seen this movie all the way through until last year. My first question is, who are these parents that leave a kid at home in that fucking mansion? Second question, wtf does Mr. McCallister do for a fucking living and is he available? Watch this and the sequel just for the Trump cameo, then cry yourself to sleep.
8. ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’
Idk if this is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie, but something about kidnapping Santa, terrorizing children, and ghost dogs really got me. Real thought—isn’t this a lil dark to be a children’s movie? I feel like it more closely aligns with being an artistic autobiography of Tim Burton’s real life adventures.
9. ‘A Christmas Story’
So much good here. If you, for some unknown reason, have not managed to see at least 30 minutes of this while it airs for 24 hours straight on Christmas day, shame on you. Do yourself a favor and bask in the glory that is a fishnet-clad lamp, the wonder of saying “fuck” in front of your parents, and understanding what happens when you lick a frozen flagpole.
10. ‘Charlie Brown Christmas’
You know you’ve referred to the bundle of sticks you call a tree as a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. This shit has a chokehold on visions of Christmas, and it’s all thanks to these wacky kids and their unsupervised adventures.
As much as I’d like to say I’m bad and boujee, I’m more like a medium and middle-class betch who still goes to the drive-thru at Taco Bell. Like, I have my own money, but I hate spending it. That’s why I rarely set foot in Sephora, for example—it’s a trap. For some reason, if I go anywhere other than the drug store for makeup, it’s like all my money suddenly evaporates. So when I’m in the mood for a new highlighter to enhance my fall glow, I’m hitting up CVS. Don’t judge me; my $4 e.l.f. does the job just as well as a $40 Urban Decay highlighter. Don’t believe me? Try out these amazing drugstore highlighters for yourself. You can send your apologies for doubting me in the form of Sephora gift cards. Please and thanks.
1. Milani Strobelight Instant Glow Powder
This intense strobe highlighter comes in super radiant, warm shades. All are diverse, buildable, and def non-fading. The sheen glow is healthy for most sensitive types and designed to look phenom regardless of skin tone.
2. e.l.f. Baked Highlighter
My secret weapon to achieving supermodel-esque cheekbones comes right in this $4 little packaging. Don’t let the cheap price deter you, though. The Insta-worthy highlighter is full of hydrating goodness, vitamins, and a bunch of other healthy shit we like such as sunflower, rose, and apricot oils. You can apply wet or dry for a non-dramatic reflection. Bless.
3. Physicians Formula Powder Palette Mineral Glow Pearls
This one is also a huge life-saver for me. Since it’s multi-colored, it gives the most natural-looking results without making me look like I’m a Cullen sister (sorry for the Twilight reference). Illuminating in all the right ways, it also blurs imperfections, doesn’t clog your pores, and has the most subtle sparkle.
4. L’Oréal Paris True Match Lumi Liquid Glow Illuminator
L’Oréal’s True Match line is designed to match and blend seamlessly with everyone’s cheekbones, regardless of shade or undertone. Each shade consists of its own unique warm or cool undertone, so you can easily mix with your foundation and use it all over. Since it’s v creamy, it blends in well, and like, honestly, you can pick this up on your next Target run. What’s not to like?
5. Revlon Photoready Insta-Fix Highlighting Stick
For the inner Snapchat thot inside of us, this highlighting stick is everything we never knew we needed. Making you look selfie-ready at all times, the must-have pink light shade looks amazing on everyone (seriously, even our fave celebs) with no filter required. It reflects perfectly under some good lighting, so you hardly ever need the flash for your next photoshoot, and since it comes in the easiest applicator ever, it’s basically mistake-proof, too.