The year is 2017. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, Nazis are roaming amongst us, mass shootings are the new norm, and people are still talking about Hillary Clinton as if she had actually become president. This woman has suffered more in the public eye than all the Spacey’s and Weinstein’s combined, and yet we still can’t let her rest. Hillary and the 2016 Presidential Election are back in the news thanks to Donna Brazile, former interim DNC chair, and her new book Hacks. In it, Brazile low-key alleges that Hillary and Co. rigged the nomination process against Bernie Sanders, effectively awakening every Bernie Bro in a 1000-mile radius and arming them with enough “Well actually…’”s to last until the next election. Thanks, Donna. As if living in Portland wasn’t already hard enough.
So WTF Is Brazile Saying?
According to an excerpt from Donna’s book published by Politico, the DNC was a sinking ship when she took over after Debbie Wasserman Schultz resigned. She promised Bernie to get to the bottom of the nomination process and figure out if he’d been wronged, as was suggested by some leaked emails stolen by Russian hackers. Though nothing blatantly unethical was going on, she believed that the DNC was biased.
So WTF Are Democrats Saying About This Shitshow?
Enter Elizabeth Warren, our favorite Trump hating senator, who was an adamant Bernie supporter before switching camps like every rational human should have done after the convention to support Hillary. In light of this news, when asked recently if she believed that the democratic primaries had been rigged in favor of Hillary, Warren responded with a resounding and hard to misinterpret “yes.” Yikes. Not even Olivia Pope could come in and spin that one.
Our favorite crazy grandpa Bernie, for his part, is staying relatively quiet. He and the rest of the high ranking Democrats involved recognize that this story blowing up is an attempt by the White House to distract from the fact that Manafort, Trump’s campaign manager, was just indicted in the Russia investigation and that Kushner is likely not far behind. Kind of like when you’d throw your siblings under the bus in high school to distract from the fact that you clearly came home wasted the night before, except with a whole lot more treason involved. While likely not psyched, and even less surprised, Bernie is a team player. Other than coming out and calling it a “shocking revelation,” his camp is refraining from adding fuel to this already dramatic fire.
Ugh So What Is Trump Saying Tweeting?
Psyched that someone else was fucking up for a change, Trump took to Twitter at his usual 3AM over the weekend to accuse Hillary of “real collusion” and demand that the FBI and justice department by step in. My entire understanding of the US political system stems from a single class in high school that was half-assed taught by our clinically depressed wrestling coach, and yet somehow I am still better equipped to understand this shit than the actual President of the United States of America.
So WTF Is Happening Now?
At this point, Brazile jumped back in the ring to tell Trump to fuck off and establish that she never said Hillary rigged the election. A little late, but thanks for the effort hun. Warren and Sanders jumped on board, reminding everyone that Trump has a tendency to blow up minor issues when his administration is in the middle of doing something extra shady, AKA anytime his administration does anything.
Since then, Brazile has backed down on the Hillary accusations while still defending her right to tell her side of the story. In fact, she told all her critics to straight up go to hell for trying to silence her. On one hand, you go Glen Coco. On the other, dropping this info a-la-Comey a week before off-year elections to further divide the Democratic party was maybe the least chill thing she could have done.
TL;DR: All is not well in girl world, which is the last thing the Democratic party needs right now. As long as indictment season keeps rolling, you can expect Trump to try and make a big a deal out of this as possible to distract from the fact that his administration is burning to the ground. Don’t be fooled.
On that note – it’s election day, Betches. Voting is not only easy and chic but quite literally so necessary right now, so get your newly informed asses to the polls ASAP.
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WTF is happening in the country right now? It’s like we woke up from a really bad hangover and just want to go back to sleep. All of a sudden we have to care way too much about politics. Honestly this is like when all of Greek life comes together when a school tries to shut down frat row, because even though all we want to do is binge watch The Bachelor, we have no choice but to be activists or we’ll all lose. Thankfully we’ve made it easier for you betches, here’s a recap of what’s happening with Trump this week with the Russia hacks.
In case you haven’t heard, there’s been rumors that Russia hacked us and the news outlets have been scrambling to find out how deep it goes. Imagine your boyfriend missed your birthday because he told you he was out of town, but then you find out he wasn’t out of town like he said. You know something’s up, you just haven’t found out if he was cheating on you or not. When you first catch him in a lie, you’re probably trying to get more information before you confront him about it.
So that’s exactly what happened here with Russia. Why didn’t we get all the information at once? Well according to a CNN report, a dossier was released to the FBI that provides evidence that Russia blackmailed Trump.
Basically CNN is like your friend who says she knows for a fact you should dump your bf but won’t tell you why. Instead of listening to your friend, you just write her off as trying to sabotage your relationship.
Anytime you’ve ever wanted to warn a friend about a shady bro, it usually is warranted. Like maybe he got aggro and tried to touch your leg while his gf wasn’t looking, but you don’t want to be called a slut so you leave that part out when warning your friend. I mean, it happens. Anyways, CNN couldn’t provide the documents because they weren’t verified and that’s just a no-no in journalism, so Buzzfeed did it instead.
If the Buzzfeed document is the same one CNN is referring to, then basically Trump is guilty AF. In the docs, which are allegedly an intelligence briefing given to the FBI, it says that Russia provided Trump with information throughout the election on his opponents. It also mentions that he hired hookers to pee in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton in Moscow, because that’s where the Obamas stayed when they were in town. So, petty AF.
Actually, the exact words were “employing a number of prostitutes to perform a golden showers show in front of him”.
So basically Buzzfeed just showed you a receipt from Per Se the night of your birthday and claims it’s from your boyfriend. I mean, do you trust her? She’s in your outer circle and not a confidante, but everything kind of lines up pointing to your boyfriend is cheating on you. At the very least you know he’s been lying to you.
We know that Russia has hacked something, but just how deep it goes and how much influence they have on Trump is still unclear. Like any breakup that’s caused by cheating, you know you’re going to find out more shit he lied about as time goes on. Like was it a one-time cheating thing, or has this been happening forever? Did he really love you when he said it? Is there more than one girl he’s sleeping with and do any of them know about you? So many questions. In response to the documents, Trump tweeted this out the other night:
FAKE NEWS – A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 11, 2017
Then yesterday morning, he held a press conference and criticized the intelligence agents for letting this information get out. He denied having any ties with Russia, but instead of saying the document wasn’t real, he just talked about how it was a mistake for the information to come out. That would be like confronting your boyfriend about lying to you and having him get mad that you found out, rather than apologize for the thing he did.
In summary, Trump is a lying boyfriend but you’re still trying to figure out just how much he lied about. Also you kind of already told him you’d marry him, so you’re not sure what to do now.
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