10 Food Trends That Deserve To Die Slow, Painful Deaths

2017 was a tough year for a lot of us. We had to settle with the fact that a large orange Gremlin that someone fed too much Fox News and Diet Coke became president. We also came to the realization that like, 75% of men think it’s cool to rub your shoulders or have lengthy convos about dicks with you at work. We felt a shiver of hope when black women literally saved Alabama. Then immediately fell down a dark hole of sad when net neutrality died.

Regardless, though, of the news both good and bad, we were faced with an alarming number of food trends this year. Some were okay (I see you, queso everything) but some were fucking stupid. Let us now reflect on these, our horrible food trends of 2017.

1. Burgers That Aren’t Burgers

“Oh, I really want a burger, but not like, a burger.” Oh I totally know what you mean, 2017. Let me fetch you a burger on an avocado bun, or a burger made of sushi, or a burger made of ground-up legumes and beets. If you want a burger, eat a fucking burger. It ceases being a burger when you get rid of one of the two main ingredients—burger and bun. If I see my medium rare beef burger sitting on a “bun” of avocado, I will tell you to go fuck yourself. Then I’ll find a bun, sandwich all that shit together, and enjoy it the way it was made to be enjoyed.

Sushi Burger

2. Activated Charcoal

If you love eating the ingredients of a face mask, this trend is for you. For some reason, activated charcoal had a moment this year—we assume pushed by doctors who concluded that too many people would try to drown their sorrow in alcohol this year and needed a way to soak up the poison. The cool thing is that this turns everything black, but the not cool thing is that it makes birth control less effective, which we basically need to live.

3. Matcha

I know you love your matcha soy latte and your matcha hot chocolate and your matcha colored hair and your matcha matching socks, but fuck off. Do you know what matcha actually is? It’s a type of green tea that blah blah can help boost your memory and improve cholesterol, but to most of us, it was just a weirdly sweet, chalky tasting substance that made us look cool at Starbucks. Hard pass.

4. Unicorn And Mermaid Shit

Apparently, 2017 became a 12-year-old girl and everything had to embody a nightmare starring Lisa Frank and pastel Care Bears. That horror bled over into our coffee this year, and I for one hope to never see it again. My hatred also applies to the differently named—but same concept—Mermaid anything. When you crave artificial coloring, lack of flavor, and sugar flavored sugar, this is what happens. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Unicorn Frappuccino

5. The Instant Pot

This year, we were faced with what would happen if we fed meth to our slow cookers. The answer was the instant pot, and I think everyone over at Bon Appétit and Food & Wine collectively jizzed themselves over the sponsorship dollars that poured in when they declared this the biggest culinary wonder of 2017. Is it cool to cook eight different things in one vessel? Yah. Is it cool after a week when all I want is some spaghetti and Rao’s? Not really. You will use this once, just like the wine aerator you were spurred to buy in 1998 and the spiralizer you scraped dollars together for in 2009.

6. Fucking Stupid Oreo Flavors

You know what ISN’T necessary? Improving on something that literally already makes a billion dollars (I assume) per year. Is it good to expand a little and see what you can convince stupid Americans to buy? Yah, totally. But branching into flavors like FRUITY PEBBLES and COCONUT CRÈME or even fucking JELLY DOUGHNUT are 100% unnecessary and an insult to the very people who inhale sleeves of these chocolatey godsends nightly to take the pain out of everyday life. Leave me my dignity, Nabisco.

Pumpkin Spice Oreos

7. Cauliflower

“I LOVE SHITTY PALE BROCCOLI,” said no one ever. Can we collectively come to an agreement that cauliflower rice, potatoes, pasta, pizza crust, coffee, chocolate, hope—whatever—needs to stop? I love carbs, and I know you do, too. There’s literally no reason to pretend you’re enjoying a big bowl of smooshed and sculpted wet vegetable matter over the fettuccini Alfredo you actually wanted. And if you’re crazy enough to actually make a time-consuming cauliflower pizza, then you should be committed.

8. Cloud Eggs

Remember this shit? It popped up around January/February of this year, and it’s just as stupid now, nearly 11 months later. Cloud eggs are what happens when you have too much time on your hands decide to beat and fluff the whites of an egg without disturbing the yolk. Do you know how time consuming that is? Do you know how not impressive it tastes? Picture an unsweetened meringue with an over easy yolk in the middle. I’ll take my avocado toast elsewhere.

Cloud Eggs

9. Ube And Other Purple Shit

If you missed the purple trend, it’s okay because I slept my way through most of it. This purple yam from tropical parts of Asia was used in desserts all over my Instagram feed. I won’t be sorry to see purple shit go, although Pantone seems to have a different opinion. Sidebar: the color of the year sucks. Nobody likes purple.

10. Avolattes

This one came and went in a flash—and for good fucking reason. It’s exactly what it sounds like—a latte served in a fucking avocado. STOP. Put my coffee in and around my mouth and stop trying to combine breakfast trends.

Avolatte

Read: 2018 Health & Fitness Trends We Can’t Wait To Try
 
The 8 Best Places For A Fire Avocado Toast Instagram In LA

Whether you live in LA or are just on vacay there, you can’t leave without gramming an avocado toast at brunch—that’s just like, the rules of feminism. Lucky for you we have done the hard work of “researching” the best avocado toasts, and by researching we mean getting drunk at brunch and eating avocado toast, obvs. Here’s the best places to go if you want to enjoy California’s other favorite green plant.

1. Sqirl

The avocado toast here is hands down the most photogenic in LA. It’s definitely hyped up, but for a good reason. The wait is going to be annoying, but the line moves fairly fast. Still, be prepared to wait at least an hour before ordering. But trust us, it’s worth it. You’ll probably spot Marisa Tomei or Kristen Stewart here, which will def help you get those eyes on your Instagram story.

2. Jon & Vinny’s

This is like the LA version of a typical Italian diner, which is to say it is nothing like an Italian diner at all. It does, however, have a delicious avocado toast option on Ciabatta bread. The place is small and laid back, so don’t expect to bring a big group here. They also have pizza options, but come here for brunch and get the avocado toast—it’s a light option with olive oil and lemon and it’s what we imagine the Godfather would have eaten if he was a hipster teenager in a punk band.

3. Zinc

Zinc has one of the best ambiences in DTLA. It’s also very spacious, which means you don’t have to wait very long for a table. The avocado toast here hits all the right checkmarks. It’s a classic and hearty choice with radish, chives, lemon, and avocado. You def want to get the egg on it, unless you’re trying to lose three pounds. It’s also right by the climbing gym, so you could also just do that afterwards and then the calories don’t count. Right?

Poached eggs and #AvocadoToast is always a great idea. #izincthereforeiam :@exercisewithextrafries

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4. LA Chapter

This is great because it’s in the Ace Hotel and you can ‘gram yourself drinking a cocktail at the Upstairs pool bar after brunch. This is a great place to take your parents when they come and visit. They make their avocado toast with Aleppo pepper, which doesn’t mean anything to us or to Gary Johnson but probably means something to people who care about that stuff. Definitely get a poached egg on this one, at least for the picture.

Avocado Toast *drools*

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5. Stir Market

This is a large Italian market much like Eataly in New York. The avocado toast is simple here, but still totally grammable. This is right in the heart of Weho, which means don’t wear your flip flops and leggings unless you’re trying to hide from the paparazzi. You’ll probably want to grab a coffee afterwards and day drink along Santa Monica Blvd afterwards.

On this rainy pre New Years day we reflect upon the upcoming transition from peppermint mocha season to skinny latte season! Happy New Year from @stirmarket … #stirmarket #avocadotoast #avotoast #avocado #brunch #breakfast #popsugarfood #eeeeeats #eaterla #grubstreet #postmates #bacon #brunchseason #nomnom #healthyfood #healthyeating #poachedeggs

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6. The Hart & The Hunter

No, this isn’t a new band playing at Bonnaroo this year, it’s the name of a Southern themed restaurant.  Obvs if we’re going southern you know this isn’t for the betch on a diet. Their avocado toast comes with pickled onions and capers on sourdough (obvs) bread. It’s one of those cute places that make you feel like you should be wearing a sundress, so plan accordingly. Also plenty of light in here for good pics.

7. Tar & Roses

This is another popular place that will have a wait, but their avocado toast is always with a twist so it’s worth coming here. Like yes, there’s a wait at the Louvre in Paris too, but are you just going to not see the Mona Lisa? Exactly. Their avocado toast options have included crab and Atlantic sardine, so they’re not fucking around.

8. Commissary

The LINE hotel is a gem of a place in K-town for many reasons, but Commissary is the best reason when you’re hungover on a Sunday morning, probably from dancing in the lobby the night before. The avocado toast comes with goat cheese and is surprisingly spicy, so watch out if you’re not into hot stuff. It is a little pricy, but it’s a hotel, get used to it.

You are all I avo wanted! #avocadotoast #la #brunch #foodie #food #nomnomnom #foodgasm #sunny #losangeles #downtown #koreatown #yum #yass

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Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino Is Somehow Even More Basic Than The PSL

Starbucks just launched a new drink today called the Unicorn Frappuccino, and it’s basically the Mountain Dew of coffee. I mean, even more so than the Frappuccino already is, because that’s barely coffee TBH. It’s more like a coffee-based method for 14-year-old betches-in-training to ingest 500 calories of pure sugar. And in case you were wondering exactly how extra this drink truly is, here’s the description from Starbucks: “Like its mythical namesake, the Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème comes with a bit of magic, starting as a purple beverage with swirls of blue and a first taste that is sweet and fruity.” Ughhh. Excuse me, I think I just rolled my eyes so hard I need some OJ to help with the comedown.

First of all, it just doesn’t seem that hard for a drink to change from pink to purple. Mermaid Barbie pioneered that technology in like, 1995 to make our bathtimes more magical—so sorry Starbucks, but I am not impressed. Second of all, and most importantly, this sounds disgusting. Like drinking a glass of liquid Nerds. 

The monstrosity drink is only available from April 19-23, or at least that’s what Starbucks is claiming, though just like when your man says the Insta model whose photos he keeps liking is “his friend from high school,” we’re a little suspicious. Much like an actual unicorn, we hope this drink also disappears and goes extinct (Unicorns went extinct, right?). Starbucks wanted to get in on the rainbow trend because apparently the key to getting kids to buy your shit is to make it look like a Kesha music video. We’ve already talked about why the rainbow trend is basic, and this drink is no different. I’m sorry to all the boring nice girls out there who think buying colorful shit makes them interesting, but liking mermaids and unicorns and shit as an adult is not a personality. It is a disorder. Seek help. 

So like, WTF is actually in this drink? According to the ingredients page on Starbucks’ site, there’s Mango syrup, Blue Drizzle, Pink Powder, Sour Blue Powder, and Whipped Cream. The blue drizzle is made of “Condensed Skim Milk, Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter, Natural Flavor, Salt, Potassium Sorbate, and Monoglycerides” so basically neither fruit nor coffee. Let’s be real though, nobody’s buying this for the taste. This is strictly an #eatingfortheinsta situation. 

Bottom line, people who like this drink probably liked the movie Suicide Squad and dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween. The only thing that could save us here is if this is all one big Banksy prank about capitalism, or at the very least a Dumb Starbucks situation. If we really think about it, this is probably our fault in some way. We all used the rainbow Snapchat filters, and now Starbucks is just giving us the Frappuccino version of that. You know what they say, one great Snap Story halfway across the world can have huge affects here at home. They call that shit The Unicorn Effect.