The year 2017 is just full of
nightmares surprises, and it looks like the year 2018 is going to carry on with that tradition thanks to Balenciaga, who tried to pawn off what anyone with eyes knows are Crocs as “foam shoes” during their 2018 spring fashion show for Paris Fashion Week. Umm…I’m sorry, but IDGAF what you want to call 10cm pink platform Crocs complete with flower widgets, but we the people know what these “foam shoes” really are: a monstrosity. There are some things that should have just been left in the early 2000s (chunky highlights, Donald Trump, etc.), and Crocs are definitely one of those things. I don’t care if I see a pair of these on the cover of Vogue being worn by both Hadid sisters and a Kardashian, we’re not going to make Croc-based fashion happen. It’s not going to happen.
That’s not to say that Crocs don’t have their place in the world. They’re perfectly fine for dads on vacation, the elderly, and days when you’re too hungover to move and have no immediate plans to leave the house, but these platform Crocs don’t even work in any of those circumstances. The point of Crocs is
to show the world you’ve given up comfort, and these things are too tall to actually be comfortable in any way. Crocs are house shoes, and nobody is wearing platform sandals around the house for shits and gigs.
What’s worse is that Balenciaga isn’t even the first high fashion brand to attempt to bring Crocs back into our lives. Christopher Kane also tried his version of a “fashionable Croc” (again, not a thing) last September, telling Vogue, “Crocs are arguably the most comfortable shoe, I love that they are slightly awkward and might be perceived by some as ‘ugly.'”
Umm..okay, so agreed about the comfort part, but “slightly awkward” and “might be perceived by some as ugly” are the understatements of the century. Crocs are more awkward than running into your ex on a date, and are perceived by all people as ugly. It’s one of the only things Americans can agree on. Balenciaga designer Demna Gvasalia also explained his
sick, twisted mind rationale to Vogue, telling them, “It’s a very innovative shoe. It’s light, it’s a one-piece foam mould and to me these kind of techniques and working with these kind of materials is very Balenciaga. In the future you will be able to 3-D print them at home because they are all one piece.”
Oh, now I get it. It’s just laziness. You want to be able to print a fuckload of shoes for 10 cents and sell them to
me dumb fucking fools for $400. Okay, Balenciaga. I see you. And honestly, I respect the hustle, but you’re gonna have to try it with a better shoe.
I’m obsessed with early 2000s fashion. I basically single-handedly lead the revolution to revive the Juicy Couture tracksuit. (To be fair, that’s an exaggeration. Kylie Jenner and Bloomingdales really helped.) I Google roll-on body glitter on a weekly basis just in case some beauty company has decided to bring back the sacred product Icing used to carry. I type half of my teXtt MeSSaGes to mY gRoUp cHatt like AiM aWaY MeSSaGes~. I’m seriously considering getting a pair of purple-lensed sunglasses with a rhinestone butterfly on them, and I don’t even like butterflies. You get the point. I and my style have not left the early 2000s.
However, even though I’m totally obsessed, I understand that there are serious boundaries in the world of the early aughts. I’m not about to wear my thong out the top of my pants. It’s just not appropriate for my current life, even if Manny Santos roamed the hallways of Degrassi like that. There’s one particular early 2000s trend that I’m prepared to take a serious stand against, and that’s platform flip-flops.
Urban Outfitters just released a pair of $40 Rocket Dog platform flip-flops. I will give them some credit for the fact that they stuck to an OG platform flip-flop brand rather than creating their own junky pair, but I still just can’t get behind these.
First of all, think of the logistics of wearing these things. I’ll put it in 2001 terms for you. Remember how bad it felt to take a flip-flop platform to the ankle if you ever took a weird step? It’s basically the equivalent of taking a razor scooter to the heel. This kind of unpredictability with a platform is just plain irresponsible. (Moment of silence for the fact that I just said not to do something because it’s irresponsible. LOL.)
Secondly, these aren’t even a revival. I’m pretty sure there are still people wearing these in the corners of America where it will look like it’s 2006 for the next 30 years. Did Old Navy or Coach ever stop making tacky platform flip-flops? Probably not.
Additionally, everyone’s feet look stupid in these. You’re always going to look like your toes are clinging on for dear life, because they basically are. Honestly, give me an outfit that you think these would look good with. You can’t.
I get that athleisure, aka dressing like we don’t give a shit about our appearance, is in right now, but flip-flops are a step below even that. Even the most boujee flip-flops look like they could have been purchased on a last-minute whim at a nail salon. Plus, they make annoying noises no matter how you walk in them. Either you drag your feet or have an aggressive flopping noise, and both of those are sounds that really pierce my skull when I’m hungover (which is often).
However, I don’t want this to come across a rant against all platforms, because I’m still totally obsessed with anything with platform that is not a flip-flop. I think we should all just dress like the Spice Girls all of the time.
If you say Paris Hilton isn’t secretly your idol, you’re lying. Her face is on foreign sparkling wine and plastered on giant portraits throughout her house so she can just look at herself. Her five dogs have their own fucking mansion, for god’s sake. She is the one who made it cute to carry a small dog in your purse. She is the probably one who made you buy (and bedazzle) your RAZR flip phone. She is the reason why you find good lighting to take a selfie. And, she easily makes millions a day just by saying trademarked one liners. I’m not telling you to consider making a viral sex tape, but I’m saying you should consider making a viral sex tape.
In a recent interview with W Magazine, Paris basically says she is the shit and she knows it. She blatantly said she’s the one who apparently “invented the selfie.” She made mini denim skirts happen and she is the reason why Juicy Couture is a thing. It’s obvious what Paris says goes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blackberry or Sidekick made a comeback.
Because Paris loves us so much and wants us all to look cute, here are the best trends the queen of the 2000s says you should still be wearing from “the hottest years in fashion”:
1. Track Suits
The more embellishments, the better. Make sure they’re colorful so that you look more fashionable than workout ready. Looking like you’re actually going to the gym is not acceptable. Kylie Jenner rocked a tracksuit from
<a data-cke-saved-href=”https://www.mytheresa.com/en-us/x-juicy-couture-velour-track-pants-735419.html?catref=category&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-EyLTUzdo8xUzDiZy8i5tgQ&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-UlBTUwMx9NXpib4Mt0v8ew” href=”https://www.mytheresa.com/en-us/x-juicy-couture-velour-track-pants-735419.html?catref=category&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-EyLTUzdo8xUzDiZy8i5tgQ&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-UlBTUwMx9NXpib4Mt0v8ew” font-weight:=”” normal;”=””>Juicy Couture Velour Filagree Crown Original Jacket
2. Graphic Tees
Graphic tees such as this one are great for showing everyone what’s on your mind. Find one that really speaks to you and will show off just how philosophical you can be.
Or this one:
Shop Betches Still Drunk Flowy Tank
3. Mini Skirt
Guys, it’s really happening. Thanks to the current denim craze that reminds me of the Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears days, denim mini skirts are making a comeback. Embrace the cringe-worthy high school fashion and the days we binge watched Laguna Beach. Sex it up with over the knee boots or low chunky heel sandals. Own that mini skirt, work that mini skirt.
PAIGE alethea Skirt
4. Millennial Pink
It’s the color of your favorite blush palette and the Insta-worthy Pink Drink from Starbucks. It’s been around for the past few years and it’s definitely not going away anytime soon. The controversial term (because in this day and age, this is apparently worth arguing over) is not a single color, but a range of light pink shades that include salmon and a pale blush. After
clicking on two Google links extensive research, the shade of pink includes some sort of subliminal political message regarding like, the rules of feminism. True betches wear this color at least once a week so, every Wednesday, don’t forget. Or else.
Ted Baker Tinsley Curved Bow Zip Large Leather Tote in Baby Pink/Rose GoldRhinestones.
5. Rhinestones. So. Many. Rhinestones.
According to Princess Paris, there is no such thing as too much bling. Anything with rhinestones is worth wearing. A thick rhinestone choker is the perfect essential to add glam and turn heads because you just really like (and need) attention.
Iridescent Rinestone Choker
6. Trendy Baseball Cap
Paris says trucker hats are still cool but honestly, a trucker hat reminds me of those assholes who go to raves wearing neon from head to toe, and a lame fucking shirt that says something like, “party with sluts.” I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a no from me on that one. Opt for a cute, light baseball cap instead that has some inspirational quote on it. Wear it on the days you’re too lazy to wash your hair or to buy more dry shampoo.
BODY RAGS CLOTHING CO. Gym Now Wine Later Baseball Cap
7. Crop Tops With Low-Rise Jeans
Low-rise jeans bring me back to a time I never want to go back to. I don’t advise anyone wearing this tacky combo tbh, because that’s just really pushing it. If you must, settle for distressed mid-rise skinny jeans so that way, they’re basically not where your thong is. If you’ve always wanted to channel “Dirrty” Christina Aguilera, this would be the perfect time to get away with it.
GRLFRND Candice Skinny Jean
Early 2000s MTV was television at its finest. I know there are people that love the vintage shit where it was all about music, and then millennials will bitch about how great Teen Mom is because it opened their eyes to the epidemic of teen pregnancy in trailer parks across America, but like, none of that holds a fucking candle to the days of Real World, The Hills and My Super Sweet Sixteen. It was our first taste of reality TV besides shit like Survivor and American Idol, and we wanted to be exactly like everyone on these shows, even if they were trashy and/or douchey af. There are people who say that Netflix and other streaming services have brought us to the age of “peak TV,” but anyone who had the pleasure of watching Sammi and Ronnie in their first season knows that we reached “peak TV” long ago. That’s why we’re ranking our fave MTV shows from our youth by the only metric that matters: betchiness. Also because like, it’s better than focusing on whatever tf is going on today.
10. ‘Jersey Shore’
Don’t get me wrong, I fucking live for a weekend-long marathon of GTL, bar brawls and Sammi Sweetheart screaming Rahhhnnn at least seven times an episode, but like, this group of guidos and the Jersey Shore in general is so not betchy. They wore shit from… Fuck, idk where you buy shit like that because I would never, but y’all know what I’m talking about. It all looked like it came from the back room at the airbrush T-shirt store they “worked” in. They had a duck land line for fuck’s sake. Funny, but not betchy.
9. All Of The Dating Shows
Looking back on it, all of these shows were beyond fucked up. We think going on Tinder and Bumble is bad? Try having a fuckboy judge whether or not you’re worth his time by going on a date with your mom. Dating in the early 2000s was absolute savage. There was Next, where possible datees sat on a bus together and the main suitor just said “next” after five minutes if they were bored or thought you were ugly; Date My Mom, which is self-explanatory I hope; Room Raiders so pervy dudes everywhere could judge high school girls by their underwear drawer and women could use black light technology to see exactly how much men ejaculate on stuff; and my personal fave, Parental Control, where parents who hated their kid’s S.O. forced them to go on dates with other people and then they watched WITH THE BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. I’m shook just thinking about it. Anyway, these were fun to watch, but like, if you need to go on one of these wack-ass shows to find love, you def can’t sit with us.
8. ‘Real World’
Real World is basically the OG reality show. If you’re anything like me, Real World was the first show you watched behind your parents’ backs because they didn’t want you turn into an alcoholic thot like all the girls on there. Understandable. The show was entertaining af, mainly because it was a bunch of semi-hot strangers who lived together and therefore ended up fucking, almost killing each other, or saying something racist. Sometimes all three. Naturally. It was fine and we all loved it, but everyone on it was legit trash and was either forgettable or went on to compete on Road Rules or The Challenge aka is now just a desperate middle-aged fame whore. No fucking thanks.
Ahhh… The classic tale of the state-winning high school football team and their undying love for every girl on the cheerleading squad. It was pretty much just MTV capitalizing off all of us being obsessed with Friday Night Lights by giving us a way more boring real life version. I loved it at the time because I could like, relate and shit, but now it’s just meh. Football captain Alex and cheerleading captain Kristin were a cute couple and all, but I would rather exercise than watch people do sports. And that’s serious.
Who doesn’t want to look in celebrities’ houses and see all the tacky shit new money can buy? Hopefully no one because that shit is entertaining. It gains betch points because the whole premise is touring v expensive mansions, but loses points because there’s no drama. Show me an episode of Taylor Swift’s “pad” as they liked to call it and have Katy Perry or like, any of the other billion people who hate her throw a glass of wine in her face. Now that’s a damn show. We need to get Andy Cohen on this, asap.
5. ‘My Super Sweet 16’
It’s a fucking miracle I didn’t turn into a legit terror because of this show. Or maybe I did, idk. Ask my mom. But despite them being the fucking worst, these spoiled af teens were betchy. They knew what they wanted and got it. Even if it was a six figure birthday party. I specifically remember one with two girls who had Sex and the City drag queens and Three 6 Mafia performed. Like, that’s legit af. But god, everyone was so annoying.
4. ‘Laguna Beach’
Let’s have a moment of silence for the first time we met Lauren Conrad… Okay enough of that. Who would have thought an overly bleached blonde teen that obsessed over a guy who friend zoned her for the BSCB would end up being our life idol? But here we are. There was the perfect mix of nice guys, mean girls, and people in the middle we’d actually wanna hang out with and I may or may not have tried to convince my parents to move to the real O.C. more than once. A lot like Two-A-Days, MTV just took a popular TV drama (The O.C., fucking duh) and turned it into a less exciting reality show. I mean, Laguna Beach was great, but no one OD’d in TJ or anything.
3. ‘8th & Ocean’
This is def one of the most underrated, forgotten MTV shows of all time. Beautiful people in a beautiful place with a decent amount of drama? I’m in. We watched really really ridiculously good looking models live together and fight about bookings and who was hotter. Riveting. There were the twins from the astigmatism commercial, the innocent new girl, the heartthrob and some more people who were there but irrelevant. In fact, is there anyway we can make this happen now? With like Gigi, Kendall, Bella, and the likes? God, I should be in television.
2. ‘The City’
This show could have slid into the number one spot because of head betch Olivia Palermo herself. Was she the mean girl who treated nicey-nice Whitney like shit while they worked at DVF? Sure. But welcome to NYC, bitch. You’re not in L.A. anymore. It’s cutthroat af. On The City, we watched Whitney go off on her own and stop being in Lauren’s less qualified but still more successful shadow. She hung with models, worked in fashion, got a scruffy boyfriend in a band, pretty much your usual basic new to New York betch starter kit. But we love Whitney and New York. And we really really love Olivia Palermo.
1. ‘The Hills’
Fucking duh. Lauren Conrad went from back burner betch to HBIC in like one fucking year. Sure, there was the whole Jason Wahler, giving up Paris to live with your bf at the beach thing, but we’re gonna pretend season 1 didn’t happen. We naively believed that Lauren was actually an intern at Teen Vogue and that she and Brody were soul mates and that she really did coincidentally meet a hot, already mic’d girl at the pool of her apartment. Were we stupid? Yeah. But The Hills gave us Lauren Conrad 2.0, one of the betchiest of all betches.
Well, just when you thought the early 2000s renaissance had reached its peak, Tyra Banks confirmed today that in addition to returning as host of America’s Next Top Model, she will be reprising her iconic role as ‘Eve’ in the Life Size sequel. Guess she’s also found herself longing for the Bush era. Or she needs money. Either way, we all win.
The fIlm, which I imagine will sweep next year’s Oscars, was greenlit by Freeform, Disney’s red-headed stepchild, and will apparently run as part of their “25 Days of Christmas” programming month.
The movie will star Tyra (duh), who is also executive producer ($$$) but apparently nobody has reached out to Lindsay Lohan to reprise her role as Casey, which is a goddamn tragedy. Why wouldn’t Disney want Lindsay involved in their wholesome Christmas project? I literally can’t think of a single reason. Not one.
Life Size 2 will apparently focus on a “grown up” Eve who is “magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again,” so like…this time the doll comes to life and helps a grown woman? Why tf would a grown woman keep a doll around for this long? My mom threw all that shit away as soon as I got boobs. And it’s…Christmas? Why? Also, what does a “grown up” Eve mean? Does it mean she’s learned how to type on a computer?
For those of you who need a refresher, Life Size was the heartwarming tale of a little girl named Casey (aka Lindsay Lohan 100 mental breakdowns ago) who goes to a local bookstore to buy a book on magic so that she can bring her dead mom back to life, like ya do. Sadly, Casey fucks up the spell and brings her knock-off Barbie Doll, Eve, to life instead. Eve is beautiful, but also a fucking idiot, and the two teach each other lessons about how to be confident and never giving up and shit.
Eve is sad to learn that as a doll, she’s not doing too great, and the fake Mattel company that makes her, Marathon, might discontinue her because girls don’t like dolls anymore. God damn you, feminism! At the end of the movie, just when you think Eve is going to stay human and get with Casey’s dad, Eve fully 180s and performs a reverse spell on herself so that she can turn back into a doll.
The movie is amazing for many reasons, most of which are Tyra Banks. Here is a literal quote from the Wikipedia summary of the movie, just to jog your memory about some of it’s most iconic scenes:
“Over the next few days, Eve buys clothes at the local shopping mall, uses her police training to stop a truck that almost runs Casey over, smells and eats for the first time, tries to do secretarial work, sings her theme song, and almost sets the Stuarts’ kitchen on fire. She also helps Casey cope with the loss of her mother.”
Incredible. The movie also features some amazing 2000s era computer work, like this very reputable looking website Lindsay Lohan uses to learn about resurrecting the dead:
TBH, there’s a lot of potential here for the Life Size sequel, but only if they do it right. I think I speak for everyone when i say that LiLo’s involvement is crucial here. I mean, who could use the help of a doll role model come to life than Lindsay? Maybe Eve could help Lindsay reintegrate into normal society, first by helping her re-learn how to talk without a fake accent, and getting to the bottom of her whole “converting to Islam” thing. The movie could end with Tyra turning back into a doll, as Lindsay checks herself into a rehab facility in Malibu.
Oh, and like, it’s Christmas or whatever.
In honor of the TBT, we need to take it back to the Godfather of MTV reality dramas. Without Laguna Beach we would have never been blessed with The Hills or even The City. In case you needed reminded that you’re old AF now, the first episode of Laguna Beach aired in 2004. That was so long ago Kim Kardashian’s claim to fame was still that she was “Paris Hilton’s assistant.” Seriously. That was the year that America thought that maybe John Kerry could be president. Let that shit sink in for a minute. While you’re mulling that over, we’ve ranked the top 10 cast members on the show for your reading pleasure.
10. Morgan Smith
I low-key loved Morgan on the show for being just the right dose of sweet and salty. Morgan was the Mormon of the group and her big drama came when she went to dramatically open her admissions letter to BYU on the beach and ended up getting rejected. Ouch. She eventually reapplied and got in later so things didn’t actually turn out to badly for her. She eventually got married to another Mormon dude and now has a children’s clothing company or something extremely lame. Good for sweet, little Morgan.
9. Trey Phillips
Aw, we loved Trey. While all the other guys on the show just seemed to be out to get their dicks wet, Trey was volunteering and shit. He seemed particularly woke for a high school kid from the real Orange County. Remember when he did that odd hat fashion show for Active Young America and had all his friends model his stuff? That’s a classic episode of Laguna Beach right there. He seems to have turned out pretty normal. He still volunteers and is an Associate Designer for Vera Wang.
8. Jessica Smith
Jessica was probably best known for who she dated more than what she did on the show. Sure, she and Kristin were pretty good friends, but she was kind of a hot mess. She wasn’t as put together as Lo and LC and she wasn’t as much of a man-eater as Kristin. She kind of just dated and broke up with people as part of her character arc. She started as Dieter’s girlfriend and then quickly moved on to Jason. So, yeah, technically Lauren got her sloppy seconds, so I guess that’s something. She’s chosen not to pursue a career in the limelight. That’s probably for the best.
7. Dieter Schmitz
Dieter was to Stephen as Lo was to Lauren. He wasn’t what people paid to see, but he was a solid cast member. We’ve just established that Dieter and Jessica dated before she moved on to Jason. I don’t mean to slut shame, but this girl really made her way around the men on this show. Anyway, Dieter wasn’t just Stephen’s bestie, he was also pretty great friends with LC and by friends with we mean friend-zoned by. That situation kind of turned Dieter into a go-between with Lauren and Stephen. Also, I can’t be the only one who feels disturbed that someone thought Dieter Schmitz was a good name for a baby human.
6. Jason Whaler
You probably remember Jason more from The Hills than from Laguna Beach, but he was totally there too. In fact, his dating drama didn’t start with LC, it started with Jessica. They were the couple no one wanted to be around because they fought all the fucking time. It was probably a relief for the entire friend group when they broke up. Except, as soon as they broke up, Jessica went skiing at Mammoth and he immediately asked Alex out. That’s cold, bro and high school drama at its finest. We loved it. It was actually kind of a surprise that Lauren eventually went for him, but we all know how that turned out.
5. Talan Torriero
As far as dudes of Laguna Beach go, Talan was a safe second choice. Sure, he wasn’t the total star of the show, but he was always a great sounding board for Stephen’s lady drama. Not that Stephen was the only one that could pull girls, Talan was the show’s resident player. Did you like how I used the word player to keep with the times of the show? I mean, I guess, nowadays we’d probably call him a fuckboy. When Kristin and Stephen were in a fight, which was basically always, she’d hit up Talan. That’s a back burner bro if we’ve ever seen one.
4. Lo Bosworth
Lo is best friend goals personified. Even when she appeared on The Hills, she was the best wing woman LC—or anyone else for that matter—could have. Lo was super cute and laid back. While everyone else was causing drama, Lo was just chilling on the couch, ready to offer super hilarious commentary. She also kept it real, like when Lauren’s parents grounded her for bad grades so she couldn’t go to Catalina and Lo was like, ha well yeah, you should have gotten better grades. Even your best friends throw you under the bus sometimes and you love them even more for it.
3. Stephen Colletti
STE-Phen was the Orange County surfer boy of your dreams. What makes a person more desirable than having the two hottest girls in high school fight over him on TV? Stephen was always the most chill, even when playing Kristin and LC like the fiddles they were. He was also just a standup dude in the friend group, except for that time he called Kristin a slut for dancing on the bar in Cabo. Relax dude, what happens in Cabo stays in Cabo, remember? He was always invited to everything and, much like Ke$ha in 2009, the party didn’t start until he walked in. Add in a puka shell necklace and and his dark hair and he was a gift to every girl the early aughts. He later went on to start in One Tree Hill, but it was, like, after Chad Michael Murray left so no one cared anymore.
2. Kristin Cavallari
Guys, we know Kristin was ahead of her time because she’s wearing a choker in like every episode on the first season of Laguna Beach. She was the spunky junior that hung out with all the seniors and dated the heartthrob of the group: STE-Phen! She hated LC for her nice girl ways and was always the first one to dance on the table, errr, bar in Cabo. Even though she was painted as the villain on this show, she kind of turned things around by the time she got on The Hills. Now, she has like 19 kids and is married to Jay Cutler, so she seems to be doing all right for herself. Also, she tried to make removable bangs happen. Let us not forget.
1. Lauren Conrad
We give Lauren the top spot even though she was kind of the nice girl juxtaposition to Kristen’s bad betch. Lauren was the girl you actually wanted to be friends with when she was on Laguna and then again when she took the star spot on The Hills. Whether she was driving Kristen crazy by going on dates with her boyfriend or having a weird, mascara-laced cry over a sex tape rumor or some shit, Lauren was captivating to watch. Thank god for this show because Lauren staying in the limelight has #blessed us with a couple pretty decent clothing lines and probably one of our favorite Insta follows. Now she’s running some sort of lifestyle empire, married to a lawyer, and expecting a baby. We’re glad things turned out so well for LC.
As you know, 2017 has already seen the return of the early 2000s in a major way. First, it was the return of the Juicy Velour tracksuit, then Tyra Banks announced her return to ANTM, and now, TLC has gone full 2005 by announcing that Trading Spaces—the show that made suburban middle America’s impending housing bubble cool—will be returning to the network sometime next year. For those of you who don’t remember Trading Spaces, the premise was simple: Two sets of neighbors pair up with interior decorators and are given two days and $1,000 to
fuck up each other’s homes redecorate. Sometimes, the results are chic and tasteful (or, as chic and tasteful as a 2005 Iowan ranch house could ever be). Sometimes, the results were gold hay spraypainted and stuck to the wall. All in all, it was a pretty great way to destroy your relationship with your neighbors and ensure you’ll never have to make small talk with them ever again.
The show was hosted by a pixie cut named Page Davis, who was forced to stand there and smile while people broke down into tears wondering why their brick fireplace had been destroyed, or why the fuck someone put all of their furniture on the ceiling.
Trading Spaces premiered Oct. 13, 2001 and ran until 2008, when TLC decided to switch from introducing the world to nice, normal families to introducing us to horrible nightmare families that abuse children with Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and 19 Kids and Counting. But now that literally all of those shows have completely imploded (who knew that a family with over 19 children who all have J names might have problems?!?), TLC is going back to basics and the new Trading Spaces should be back in 2018, exactly 10 years since it was cancelled. 10 years? Fuck. Now I feel old.
In honor of Trading Spaces’ return, here is our list of the five worst rooms the show ever produced, almost exclusively thanks to the work of Hildi Santo-Tomas. RIP all of these friendships.
1. Sand In The Living Room
No one in the history of the Earth has ever thought, “This living room is nice, but what it really needs is a shitload of sand!” And yet, Hildi Santo-Tomas did just that with a living room that was supposed to give a “relaxing cabana” vibe but ended up looking more like you live in a circus on the beach. I seriously cannot think of anything less “relaxing” than coming home to a room that is full of sand. You know those homeowners are still cleaning this shit up.
2. The Fireplace
One of Trading Spaces‘ most cringeworthy moments came when designer Doug Wilson went against the explicit wishes of one family to have their brick fireplace remain untouched. Instead, Doug turned their livingroom into the house from Beetlejuice. The homeowners hated it so much that the wife, Pam, had to step out of the room while legit sobbing on mic. As far as Trading Spaces drama goes, this was the equivalent of Pumkin spitting on New York in Flavor of Love.
3. Horror Kitchen
Who wouldn’t want to live in a kitchen that looked like someone was murdered in it? Hildi Santo-Tomas is back again with a kitchen that she designed to look like an elementary school haunted house, complete with a bloody tarp on the wall and coffin spice rack. Seriously, how does this woman call herself a “designer?”
4. Safari Bedroom
This design was perfect for anyone who’s ever gone to Rainforest Cafe and thought, “I’d like to live here!” The safari bedroom was the brainchild of Doug Wilson, who was probably projecting his own desire to move far far away and never decorate an ungrateful middle income family’s home again. I get that you’re hurting, Doug, but this is not the way out.
5. The Time Hildi Made A Mural Of Her Own Face
Nothing says “IDGAF what you want” like making a mural of your own fucking face in someone else’s livingroom. And Hildi did just that with one couple, whose room actually would have been cute if it weren’t for the mosaic of a D-list interior designer’s face taking up half the room. Honestly, Hildi must think she’s really pretty if she thinks people she literally met 48 hours ago would be interested in having her face as the centerpiece of their home. Ya gotta respet that confidence.
Other Hildi creations that I didn’t have time to mention: flower bathroom, hay house, furniture on the ceiling room, and like, a thousand others. God, I hope she comes back for the new season. I would love to see what she’d do with 2017 technology. Maybe a bedroom made out of old iPhones? Just a thought.