If there is one adjective I’d use to describe all of us, as a collective species, in 2019, it would be tired. No matter if you’re rich, poor, conservative, liberal, male, female, we can all agree that we are just exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Show me someone who can’t relate to one of those “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since 2008 memes” and I’ll show you either a speed addict or a liar. Even celebrities are tired, apparently! That’s evidenced by the fact that Hailey
Baldwin Bieber (gotta get used to that), who just turned 23 today, revealed in an interview with Highsnobiety that she would have thrown a blowout birthday party, but she’s simply “too tired”. Now, as much as I want to come for her, I’ve got to say, the girl has a point.
Upon the interviewer remarking that today is, in fact, Hailey’s birthday, Hailey says, “It’s my Jordan year. I’m turning 23 (today, November 22), and I had this idea where I was going to throw a Jordan party and everyone would have to wear Jordan.” Sounds both literal and expensive. E! News reported on Mrs. Bieber’s initial party plans in an article called “Hailey Bieber Is ‘Too Tired’ to Throw a Party For Her 23rd Birthday”, remarking, “‘Jordan year’ is in reference to famous basketball player Michael Jordan whose number was 23 throughout his career. Who knew Hailey was such a sports aficionado!” To which I have got to say: no, she is not a “sports aficionado”—that’s like me saying that knowing Derek Jeter used to play for the Yankees makes me a baseball connoisseur, or having a “22” themed birthday makes me a Taylor Swift superfan—she is simply a person who was alive when Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, and Mike Will released their hit song “23”. To which I have to add, having a “Jordan” party is very 2013.
In any case, outdated reference or not, the Jordan party will not happen because, as Bieber tells Highsnobiety, “I’m just too tired, I don’t want to entertain people.” I wanted to inquire if she would even be responsible for planning or coordinating her own party, but it didn’t even seem worth the effort. Whether she is actually organizing the minutiae of the event or not (almost surely not), she would still have to get her makeup done, show up to the party, pose for photos, socialize, and just generally be around people—feats that I think we can all agree sound thoroughly exhausting. Not to mention, Hailey has had not one, but two weddings this year, and her big blowout wedding happened just two months ago. That was basically her huge birthday party, no theme necessary.
I’ll admit, I was ready and eager to do a full roast of Hailey Bieber for these comments. Too tired to throw a party?! How will we, as a collective society, survive without what would have surely been the cultural touchstone of the century? Not to mention, doing a “Jordan” themed party where your guests are all required to wear sneakers that cost upwards of $100 is not exactly the most socially conscious or aware decision. But then again, neither is turning your baby daddy’s album cover into a theme park or having not one, not two, not three, but FOUR designer dresses at your wedding in the first place. And, I am pretty confident nobody on Hailey Bieber’s guest list would have been unable to afford a pair of Jordans, anyway. So, even though this never-realized party is not exactly groundbreaking in either theme or cultural relevance, it’s not even outlandish enough to be worth a roast.
After all was said and done (and I actually read the initial Highsnobiety interview), I wondered if E! News was giving Hailey a bit of the Emma Watson treatment. The questions about Hailey’s birthday are ordered first in the interview, but the initial interview does not position those comments—which are clearly meant as a joke, since after remarking she’s too tired to entertain people, Hailey laughs—as front and center or the focus of the piece. The title of the interview is actually, “Hailey Bieber on Calvin Klein, Her Beauty Empire Dreams & Why She Thinks Kylie Jenner Is ‘a Genius”. This stays true to what is discussed in the interview. I’m not saying that Hailey Bieber is the next Gloria Steinem or anybody, or that E! News did her a huge wrong, but the interview is not completely vapid, either. She lauds Rihanna and Kylie Jenner for creating products and brands they genuinely believe in, and expressing similar aspirations while being aware of the danger of copying existing celebrities’ brands. In other words, it’s pretty standard stuff.
Then again, when asked what matters to her, things get a little murky. She expresses the desire to use her platform for “talking to young women”, which seems like a good idea in theory, but is left extremely vague. What does that mean exactly, answering DMs? Bieber does not really expand upon this idea; she simply says, “Women supporting women has become such a big conversation but theres still so much we can do. There’s no reason there needs to be this girl against girl drama, and social media makes it way worse. There’s no reason why we cant be kind to each other.” That is all fine and good, but she offers no further ideas about what actually we can do. I’m all for celebrities taking up a pet cause, but just pointing out a (pretty mild in the grand scheme of things) problem is not actually the same as doing anything about it. I feel like, if anything, this is just another callback to Selena Gomez and her new-ish song about Justin Bieber—so, essentially, Hailey’s answer for “what matters to you” is kind of, “that people stop talking sh*t about me”. A relatable sentiment, for sure, but more of a personal problem than a noble cause.
So when all is said and done, who am I really mad at? E! News, for putting a somewhat funny and relatable spin on an otherwise meh fluff piece? Highsnobiety for asking a bunch of softball questions and then publishing that in a Q&A format, without even an attempt to synthesize all these comments into some sort of narrative? Or myself, for getting all excited to do a complete take-down, only to actually read all the background information and be sorely disappointed, and then playing right back into that with my own headline? Myself. Definitely myself.
As most Americans with a working Internet connection know by now, Tristan Thompson and Jordyn Woods are currently set up to be the most hated people in America. Khloé Kardashian reportedly dumped Tristan Thompson last night—not, y’know, because he cheated on her days before she gave birth. It’s because he cheated on her once again—this time, with Kylie’s BFF Jordyn Woods. Apparently, Thompson flew into town for Valentine’s Day (aw), but then spent Sunday at a house party “snuggled up” with Jordyn. TMZ reported they were “all over each other” and “making out,” (TBH, grateful we at least don’t have to hear about Thompson “making out, grabbing junk, motorboating” again. As I’m sure Khloe is too.)
Look, no matter what happened, I’m sure we can all agree that Khloé should dump Tristan’s ass once and for all. But given how close Jordyn is to the family (remember that recent series of her and Kylie in blackface matching bikinis?), I’m obviously very excited concerned to see what kind of rifts this incident could cause. Here’s what the Internet has to say so far, and all the hints we’ve gathered that the cheating rumors are true.
First off, Tristan apparently tweeted “FAKE NEWS” following the incident—then deleted it.
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#PostAndDelete : #TristanThompson tweets #FakeNews after reports surfaced that he allegedly cheated on #KhloeKardashian with #JordynWoods — He deleted his tweet shortly after ??? — A source close to #JordynWoods is also denying the allegations. We spoke to people close to the Kardashians who says this denials are “cover ups”.
While many of us might take that as confirmation the reports are false, if we’ve learned anything from James Kennedy (or Trump, for that matter), when someone calls something “fake news”, that means it’s incredibly likely to be real news, and furthermore, that there’s probably proof of it. (Otherwise why would his publicist demand he take down the tweet? Famous men have lied their way through worse…)
Confounding this “did Jordyn Woods hook up with Tristan Thompson” sh*tstorm is this recent Instagram from Jordan, but more importantly, this comment by Khloé.
This photo was uploaded two days ago, after the alleged cheating would have occurred, and still Khloé commented “baby girl”. If Jordyn did hook up with Tristan, would Khloé really be commenting cute things on her Instagrams? Then again, if the timeline of the incident is to be believed (which I will get to in a second), this comment could have occurred literally right before Khloé found out about the alleged cheating.
Next up in the “they really hooked up” evidence, we have this incredibly cryptic tweet from Jordyn—posted Sunday, the day she and Tristan allegedly hooked up.
I could love you and still cut you tf off.
— Jordyn Woods (@jordynwoods) February 17, 2019
In it, she says “I could love you and still cut you tf off.” Which yeah, is one way to announce to your close friends that you’re a cold-blooded sociopath who will hook up with the father of their children at any point. Though in her case, it’s really more the Kardashian/Jenners who have the ability to “cut someone off” here—by which I mean Jordyn is dreaming if she thinks her career is not taking a hit from this. You don’t mess with America’s royal family and come out on top, honey. You can talk to Blac Chyna about that.
While Jordyn and Tristan are busy being shady on Twitter, the Kardashians and their allies are sharing their feelings with another time-honored social media tradition: the telling Instagram comment. In a now-deleted post by Hollywood Unlocked, founder Jason Lee puts forth a pretty damning series of claims about the incident.
In the video, Lee confirms the entire thing. He says one of his writers was there, and reported to Lee that Tristan “took everybody’s phone” (yikes), then Jordyn came in and “was all up in lap,” “ was all over her,” “touchy-feely,” and—the kicker—“you let the girl stay the night until seven in the morning.” Honestly, I’m feeling like this is all the proof I need—and Khloé and her friends seem to agree.
Thanks to Comments By Celebs doing the lord’s work out here, you’ll notice Malika Haqq (Khloé’s BFF) commenting “STRONG FACTS,” Larsa Pippen (another family friend) commenting “Amen!!!” and Khloé herself just adding shouting emojis. If I were Khloé, my entire brain would just be shouting emojis at this point, so I really feel that. Malika goes above and beyond to prove herself as bestie of the year (to be fair, the bar just got way lower), and commented on another post about the situation saying “These hoes ain’t loyal.”
So…Malika in, Jordyn out? While Kylie hasn’t officially responded to the rumors yet, a source told E! News that “the whole family is writing Jordyn off,” and adds that Kylie “was in denial for days.” For now, it doesn’t seem like the Kardashians have taken action—Khloé and Kylie still follow Jordyn, and in other mildly suspect news, Jordyn and Tristan don’t follow each other.
In a final twist to this situation, which I am updating in real time, Tristan apparently admitted to Khloé that it was true when she confronted him. Several sources approached Us Weekly that Tristan “admitted it was true” when she confronted him on Monday.
And there we have it. Tristan Thompson and Jordyn Woods are over, cancelled, done. Can’t wait to see what kind of pointed inspirational quotes Khloé posts on her Instagram for the next month, and really can’t wait for a Revenge Body: Part II. (In that one, she gets Hulk-strong and beats the sh*t out of all her exes).
Images: Instagram; Twitter; Instagram; Instagram
Well, fam, here we are again. The ever-growing tide of sexual harassment allegations claims at least one new famous man every week, and this week it’s Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest is best known for hosting American Idol and helping to build the Kardashian empire, but it turns out he might be kind of a creep.
The allegations of abuse and harassment come from Suzie Hardy, a former E! News stylist who worked with Ryan Seacrest from 2007 to 2013. She says that she was subjected to “years of unwanted sexual aggresssion” from Seacrest, and the details are pretty terrible. She says that he slapped her butt hard enough to leave a mark, grabbed her crotch once, and aggressively flirted with her for years.
There are also other witnesses, with one co-worker saying they saw Seacrest push Hardy’s head into his crotch repeatedly while she was keeling to tie his shoes. That’s obviously awful, but we really need to take a moment to laugh at the fact that Ryan Seacrest does not tie his own shoes. This is a man in his forties worth over a quarter billion dollars, but velcro might be an option he wants to consider!
Suzie Hardy first reported the abuse to her human resources department back in 2013, and she was predictable let go just a few weeks later. Give me a moment while I scream into a pillow. Hardy came forward anonymously with her story last fall, and E! promised to conduct their own investigation into Ryan Seacrest’s conduct. We love investigations that aren’t independent or anything, they’re totally unbiased and impartial!
In an outcome that is truly, monumentally shocking, E! found that there was “insufficient evidence to support the claims against Seacrest.” AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m not saying I have personal knowledge about any of these allegations, but it’s painfully predictable that the pretty white man is found innocent while the woman is painted as some lying bitch who’s just mad about losing her job. I’ve seen this movie before, and I did not enjoy it.
An E! spokesperson defended the investigation, saying it was “extremely comprehensive and thorough. Over the course of a two month process, our outside counsel interviewed more than two dozen people regarding the allegations, including multiple separate meetings with the claimant. The investigator is an attorney with nearly 20 years experience and is highly regarded professionally. Any claims that question the legitimacy of this investigation are completely baseless.”
Ryan hasn’t personally said anything about Hardy’s accusations, but his attorney said they’re untrue, and that Suzie just wants to get $15 million out of Ryan. There’s no way to know for sure if the allegations are true, but if they are Ryan is so fucking canceled. He’s pretty busy right now, with his talk show with Kelly Ripa, the Oscars coming up this weekend, and the American Idol reboot (ugh) starting in March. We’d hate for anything to, you know, ruin Ryan’s big fancy career, but like time’s up sweetie.
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