Think back to 2009: Jersey Shore was just about to premiere, you could still get away with wearing a Juicy jacket, and it was the year of the Tiger Woods mistress. There were more than a dozen mistresses, each one with a juicy story that was sure to land her an interview with Larry King, or at least on TMZ. Tiger’s hot Swedish wife left his sorry ass, and most of his sponsors got the fuck out of there.
Fast forward eight years, and things for Tiger Woods aren’t great. He’s struggled with injuries in the last few years, and hasn’t played a tournament since 2015.
On Monday morning at about 3am, Tiger was arrested and charged with a DUI. And you thought your hangover was bad. He was released later in the day, but not before his heinous mugshot was plastered across the internet. Seriously, he’s a 41-year-old rich man who looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway but older and more desperate. This goes without saying, but Tiger has some major shit to get together.
— Bloomberg (@business) May 30, 2017
After being released, Tiger released a statement saying that he hadn’t been drinking prior to the arrest, and that he just reacted badly to some prescription medication.
Do we believe that? Probably not, but either way it’s kind of on you to decide whether you’re good to drive. Like, sometimes we take too much Adderall and stay up all night watching TV instead of getting work done, but we can’t just tell our boss that. Handle your shit, Tiger. That’s why Uber was invented.
In our favorite part of the story, Tiger’s girlfriend was apparently shopping at a Neiman Marcus when she heard the news. She had a meltdown in the middle of the store before calming down and buying a casual $5,000 worth of stuff. She’s clearly our kind of girl. Now, sweetie, get the fuck away from this sinking ship while you still can.
Chris Soules fans (do those exist?) can breathe a sigh of relief today, because he might not be quite as big of a dumbass as we previously thought. OK he still loses so, so many points for driving drunk and ultimately killing someone in an April accident, but the part about him fleeing the scene of the crime is now up for debate. Soules is trying to get his felony charge for leaving the scene of the accident dropped, because he says he actually stuck around and didn’t bounce like a chicken-shit right after the accident. So, I guess, like, good for him on that matter? I mean, a literal human being is dead because of his actions but at least he (allegedly) tried to take some responsibility for that.
According to documents obtained by ABC News, Soules actually was the one to call 911 and stayed on the scene of the accident. Previous reports said he just hit a dude’s tractor with a truck and then peaced, probably to seek emergency advice from Chris Harrison before making a final decision about whether or not to stick around. Soules’ attorneys now allege that Chris stayed on the scene until emergency responders arrived, and then he went home. I assume to guzzle some water and try to seem less drunk.
There’s even a 911 call to prove Soules tried to help this guy after the accident, which as far as evidence goes, seems pretty solid based off the countless hours I’ve spent watching crime documentaries on Netflix. No wonder Chris is so upset (beyond the fact that someone lost their life). I mean, I’d be pissed if I was actually sort of trying to do the right thing—after doing a really, really bad thing—and then a responding cop didn’t happen to mention I at least made some sort of effort.
Soules has been super roasted by the media (#guilty) for fleeing the scene that he apparently didn’t flee. How’s that for fake news, huh? Does it change what happened? No. A man still died and that’s very tragic. But at least I can go back to liking him more than I like Nick, which is still not very much at all.
Soules is currently out and about in Iowa (just picture that for a sec) on a $10,000 bond, but he’s due back in court on Tuesday in what will certainly be, as Chris Harrison would say, a historic day for Bachelor Nation.