If you, like me, spent the last week exchanging intimate conversation with only your dog and the weird crack on your ceiling, then welcome to quarantine life, betch! This is the bad place. It’s been a weird few days, friends, and I doubt it’s going to get any less weird in the coming weeks. I can confidently say that social distancing has changed me, and it’s changed me for the worse. It’s reduced me to a person who cooks and does home workouts—and I don’t like it one bit! But I will say spending more than 72 hours alone in my apartment with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company has made me reevaluate my skin care journey. And by “reevaluate” I mean think about at all. It’s hard not to when the only face you see all day is yours and it’s looking back at you in the mirror with last night’s pizza sauce on it. But no more! Today is a new day. And since I’m the kind of person who takes one step forward, and then does the entire cha-cha slide backward, I’ve decided that my journey to clearer, softer, more age-defying skin can only be done with a canned hard seltzer in my hand. Baby steps, people. So here’s a list of the best spiked seltzer and face mask pairings to get you started on your quarantine skin care journey.
White Claw Pure + Detox Clay Mask
The time for panic-eating entire boxes of Cheez-Its, ice cream cartons, and the family-size Stouffer’s mac n cheese you bought “just in case” is right tf now. And you know what washes down all of that processed cheese and sodium? White Claw Pure! Unlike other White Claws, White Claw Pure is flavorless so it cuts out all the bullsh*t and feels more… detoxifying? Okay, that’s a stretch, even for me, but it does taste crisp AF which is why I HIGHLY recommend pairing it with L’Oréal’s Pure-Clay Detox & Brighten mask. Like your insides after sippin’ on this knock-off vodka soda, your face will feel pure as hell after using this mask. Coming in at $12, you won’t find a cheaper beauty product, and also, this one actually works. It’s a super efficient clay mask that clears congested and/or dull skin, illuminating skin for a healthier glow. Plus, you can usually find it in the grocery store skincare aisle so just tack it onto your list while you’re there trying to barter for the last roll of toilet paper.
Natty Light Aloha Beaches + Peel Off Mask
Natty Light is the brand of alcohol preferred by people who frequent frat houses and the first guy I ever lied to about giving me an orgasm. No hard feelings, Paul! (Seriously, nothing hard. at. all.) If a global pandemic wasn’t sufficient enough evidence that God is trying to smite us all down so She can start humanity anew, then Natty Light releasing a spiked seltzer should be evidence enough. If you’re still brand loyal to Natty Light, then I’m assuming you’re also brand loyal to the face masks sold in the sale section of Walmart. I assume. For you, my friend, Masque Bar Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Like Natty Light’s Aloha Beaches, both are cheap AF but still v effective. It’ll get the job done if you’re looking to kill time between second dinner and rekindling things with your ex from high school just to feel something again.
Bon & Viv Clementine Hibiscus + Hydrating Mask
Drinking Bon & Viv is basically like water, which is not a scientific fact, just my personal opinion. It’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. It’s by far my favorite brand of spiked seltzers, which is why I’m pairing it with one of my favorite masks of all time. Hydrating masks, like Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost face mask, go perfectly with Bon & Viv. Made with purified hyaluronic acid, this sheet mask gives instant results—and I really mean that. Your skin will go from looking dry and flakey to supple and glowy in minutes, and the best part is you don’t even have to drink water to do it!! Why does it work so well? Well, unlike other sheet masks, Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost uses unique hydrogel material to seal in the formula for maximum absorption into your skin. As a bonus, pair it with the Hydro-Boost gel cream moisturizer and literally never have sh*tty skin again.
Seagram Escapes Tropical Rose + Tula Mask
You’ve been influenced and you’ve been influenced hard. You’re the kind of girl that only started drinking spiked seltzers in the first place because you saw it via a swipe-up code three summers ago. While Seagram Escapes Tropical Rose isn’t a seltzer per se, it is canned, and its targeted audience is people who consider Shein products actual fashion, so it counts. Also, the man behind this beverage is none other than Mr. The Most Dramatic Season Ever himself: Chris Harrison. I’m pairing this beverage with Tula’s Exfoliating Treatment Mask because what goes together more than a beverage created by an influencer and a face mask influencers are constantly trying to pimp out to us on Instagram? My heart hurts me to say this, but I’m actually a fan of Tula’s products (it’s me, I’VE BEEN INFLUENCED). I’m a fan of this mask in particular. It’s clay-based, so its purpose is to exfoliate and detox, but the antioxidant-rich blueberry extract in it keeps your skin hydrated for smoother, more even-toned skin. I recommend drinking the Tropical Rose whilst wearing the mask and DMing people on dating apps with Chris Harrison’s best lines. It’s what he would want for us during the quarantine!!
Orange Truly + Hangover Mask
Just because I’m stuck in my apartment for the foreseeable future and literally barred from entering any establishment that sells alcohol as per the shelter in place law for my state, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to turn up, okay!! Instead of pounding drinks at the bars until I reach a point where I think it’s socially acceptable to publicly blast “Lose You To Love Me” from my phone and cry softly into my hands, I’ll just be doing that exact same thing but on my couch while on Instagram Live. What I’m saying is, a pandemic isn’t going to get between me and my toxic choices, so I know I’ll be needing a hangover fix. While I admit the orange Truly isn’t my favorite, someone once said to me it smells like emergen-C, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Think of it like drinking a screwdriver but with less calories and, like, sadder. While you’re working on that hair of the dog, pair it with the Drunk Elephant D-balm Electrolyte Waterfacial Mask. Packed with electrolytes, it’s like gatorade for the skin. You’re welcome in advance.
Wild Basin Cucumber Peach + Gold Foil Mask
Images: RossHelen / Shutterstock.com; Amazon (5); blissworld.com
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If there’s anything I love more than plopping myself on the couch while eating my weight in carbs, it’s giving my face some TLC with a good face mask. Face masks are fucking awesome. I mean, you literally just slather some bright-colored shit on your face and bask in the glory that your face will look and feel flawless after just a few minutes. There’s like, an overwhelming amount of choices sitting in our nearest Sephora, but the only thing stopping me from buying them all at once is that they cost more than a handle of Tito’s. My savior often comes in the form of CVS or Duane Reade (any fucking drugstore works) when I need a quick chaser or like, a face mask that works just well and costs twice as less. Praise be. Here are seven tried-and-true drugstore face masks that won’t make your bank account hate you.
1. Bioré Charcoal Self-Heating One Minute Mask
If you didn’t already know, natural charcoal is bomb for your skin. It’s not the charcoal you see at BBQ’s, fucking obviously. This thermal mask rids stress and excess oil from your face to reveal unclogged pores and cooler, smoother skin. Mix with water to feel twice as much heat and rinse off after just a minute.
2. Beauty 360 Detoxifying Antioxidant Tissue Facial Mask
Beauty 360 is exclusive to CVS, so unfortunately, if you don’t have one by you, you’re SOL (and should probably consider moving to civilization). Their face masks accommodate different needs, but if you’re like rest of us on the east coast, chances are you probs need something to moisturize and firm your skin. This has tons of vitamins and proteins to hydrate, soften, brighten, and firm sagging skin.
3. Soap & Glory What A Peeling! Purifying De-Clog Mask
So long as you don’t rip your face off, peeling masks are v convenient for getting rid of fugly shit ASAP. Packed with Vitamin C, fruits, and mood-boosting oil (so you can feel zen af), this pretty pink liquid gel turns into a strip you can peel off to remove dirt, greasy oil, and T-zone triggers.
4. Olay Regenerist Luminous Overnight Mask
I honestly love overnight masks, simply because I’m too lazy to wash my face before bed. This Olay mask absorbs into your skin as you catch up on beauty sleep, so it brightens, hydrates, and evens out your skin tone by the time you wake up in the morning.
5. Burt’s Bees Intense Hydration Treatment Mask
I feel like most people don’t realize Burt’s Bees makes other good stuff besides overpriced Chapstick. They have a pretty decent foundation line tbh, and a skincare line that actually produces results. You can use this up to twice a week for super hydrated and tighter skin before bed. You don’t even have to wash it off because its absorption is *that* good.
6. St. Ives Nourished And Smooth Oatmeal Scrub And Mask
From my personal experience, this scrub actually works and doesn’t irritate my skin. It exfoliates with gentle beads to smooth out uneven skin texture and remove dry, flaky skin. Feel free to rinse off afterwards if you want to use as a scrub, or leave on for a few minutes before rinsing to use as a mask.
7. L’Oréal Pure Clay Mask Clear & Comfort
This shit is so good, it’s even in the skincare routine for a few celebrities and models we stalk via social media. After 10 minutes of using, this clay mask infused with natural seaweed offers cleaner, relaxed, and refreshed skin. It’s v creamy, so it’s def perfect for those extra sensitive areas winter has ruined for your skin.
Images: Noah Buscher / Unsplash; Biore (1); CVS Pharmacy (1); Ulta (2) Target (2); Macy’s (1)