There’s nothing you’ll crave quite so much at Thanksgiving as alcohol. Between the constant questions from family members about your love life, your social media presence, when you’re going to start ruining your life with kids, and how it looks like you gained weight, you’ll be demanding a shot (or six) by hour two.
Luckily, we’ve found the perfect Thanksgiving drinking games for you—one that’ll ensure you’re blackout (or nearly) by the time dinner is over. You’ll thank us when your blurred vision prevents you from giving a strong bitch face to Aunt May when she asks you about that nice young man you brought last year.
Take A Drink Whenever…
· Someone says the turkey is “moist”
· Someone says the turkey is dry
· Someone unbuttons their pants and discusses it
· Gramma says something racist/sexist/homophobic and everyone laughs awkwardly
· Someone says they feel bad for the people working tonight/Black Friday—take two swigs if that’s followed up by someone saying they can’t WAIT to hit the Black Friday sales
· Someone passes out before dessert
· Someone asks you about having kids
· Someone brings a healthy side and is promptly made fun of but you secretly kind of want some
Finish Your Drink When…
· Someone brings up Trump or politics in general and a fight ensues
· Someone asks you what a “meme” is
· Someone asks if you’re “seeing someone special”
· Someone asks about “what you’re doing now,” so you explain your job in detail, and they still don’t get it
· Someone—especially if older—tries to take a selfie at the dinner table
· You’re forced to say what you’re thankful for
· An argument breaks out about whether or not the turkey is done
· You want to literally die
Happy Thanksgiving, betches!
Jambo, plastics. Happy October 3RD aka the unofficially official National Mean Girls Day. In honor of this blessed day, we can stop talking about a Kardashian being knocked up for a full 24 hours to focus on the greatest film you’ll ever watch. To celebrate, I’ll be doing nothing I normally wouldn’t do on an average Tuesday night, aka drinking wine alone with Taco Bell while still trying to memorize the “Jingle Bell Rock” dance. It’s no question you’ll be watching Mean Girls at some point today, whether it’s while you’re
bored at work ditching gym class, or right before you fuck up your all-carb diet at happy hour because (hi), it’s October 3rd. And being THE Betchen Wieners, I feel it’s my duty to kick my favorite holiday into high gear with the one thing I’m good at besides three-way calling attacks: drinking. So stop what you’re doing and play this game with friends (or just yourself), and since Mean Girls has been on Netflix for like 12 years, you have no excuse. But if you don’t have Netflix, then I’d assume your ex found out you still had his password you’re just some home-schooled jungle freak, but irregardless, get in loser, we’re going drinking.
Directions: Pretty much just drink (fucking duh). Bonus points for not drunkenly word vomiting your actual feelings to your weekend hookup by the end of the game. Oh, and if you actual vomit, I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.
Take One Drink:
-When someone says “too gay to function.”
-When a person’s name in the Burn Book is mentioned.
-When someone spills a rumor about Regina George.
-For every piece Cady breaks off of her crown.
-When a different language besides English is spoken.
Take Two Drinks:
-When someone alludes to Janice being a lesbian
-When Karen Smith says something stupid
-When someone tries to make “fetch” happen
-When someone pronounces Cady’s name as “Caddie”
-For every time Aaron Samuels helps Cady with her math homework
Assign Someone To Drink:
-When someone says “crack” or “cracked.”
-When Regina eats a carb.
-When a character is terrified of Cady’s Halloween costume.
-When Regina’s mom acts like a cool mom, not a regular mom.
Take A Shot:
-When Gretchen Wieners flips her shit on someone.
-When Cady wins first place at a school function.
-When a character ends up in the projection room above the auditorium.
Waterfall Your Drink
-During Kevin Gnapoor’s entire rap.
-While Coach Karr gives a sex-ed lecture.
Finish Your Drink:
-When someone gets hit by a bus.
And if you just can’t get enough of Mean Girls (same), then you NEED to buy our Mean Girls Halloween costumes. We’ve got two this year: the classic I’m A Mouse Duh that sold tf out last year, and the new Boo You Whore. Buy one, but them both, it doesn’t matter to us. They’re 100% cotton and super soft, so you’ll want to live in them.
If there’s anything the Super Bowl is good for, it’s getting fucked up on a random Sunday in February. And while we pretend to give a shit about football strictly for the hot guys in tight pants, this Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons offers a pretty good alternative to get moderately excited about football.
As with all Betch-approved drinking games, this game wasn’t designed to give you a light buzz. You’re going to get fucked up, and you’re going to likely call out of work sick the next day (which some of our fellow Americans—including John Kasich—actually believe should be a federal holiday, but I digress).
So let’s get started.
Pick a team, either the
Tom Brady’s Patriots or the Falcons. Whenever this team scores, you will drink the number of seconds for how many points are scored. So, like, touchdowns will be super exciting (that’s six points, so six seconds of chugging). Sip when your team scores any of the following:
- Extra point: 1 second
- 2-point conversion: 2 seconds
- Safety: 2 seconds
- Field goals: 3 seconds
- Touchdown: 6 points
If you have no idea wtf any of those things are, ask the nearest male.
And that’s enough football talk for the year. Bye.
Hot Guy Rules:
Whenever the following happens, take one sip:
- Patriots quarterback Tom Brady looks incredible
- Danny Amendola, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski or really any hot member of the Patriots is shown without their helmet
- You begin to drool over Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones’s arms
- Luke Bryan looks patriotic AF singing the national anthem
Take a shot if:
- You begin to drunkenly develop a crush on Patriots head coach Bill Belichick
- Tom Brady’s hot backup Jimmy Garoppolo comes in to play
- You start DM-ing Jimmy Garoppolo—no, wait, two shots
Take a sip whenever:
- Someone at the party double-dips into the guacamole
- Anyone does a ridiculous dance after a touchdown (whether on your television or in-person)
- A drunk asshole yells at the television. It’s just a fucking game, Todd.
- There’s a puppy during a commercial
- A Bud Light commercial comes on (take an extra sip if, in the beginning, you thought it was going to be a commercial for something else)
- Someone mentions Deflategate
- Anyone at the party steals your drink
- Lady Gaga fucks up the halftime performance
- You wish Beyoncé were doing the halftime show instead—no wait, scratch that. Don’t want anybody to get alcohol poisoning on our watch.
- You start to think you might actually like footballl
Take a shot whenever:
You realize you have to go to work tomorrow. And then don’t stop drinking.