Another wedding topic for me to shit on! Signature cocktails—it doesn’t get much more basic than this. You’re having your country club wedding, and instead of just opening the bar like a normal person, are offering beer, wine, and a signature cocktail.
Depending on what that cocktail actually is depends on how much I get to judge you. I understand that having an open bar just isn’t in everyone’s budget (sad), but offering me a shitty cocktail is unforgivable. There are some basic rules of
feminism pulling this shit off that you should stick to unless you want blind-drunk guests and bridesmaids barfing on each other. You’ll thank us later.
1. Think About Your Goddamn Menu
Would you serve a fine late season Chilean Malbec with a goddamn McFish Sandwich? If you would, I hope you choke. Same rules apply for your signature cocktail and its relation to your menu. If you’re serving a buffet, the world is your oyster. If the cocktail is presented during cocktail hour, choose something that fits well. Don’t go serving a whiskey sour rip-off with crab cakes and chilled tomato soup shooters, feel me?
2. Don’t Be A Trendy Douche
I usually heart being pretentious, but this isn’t the place, fam. Your cocktail does not need to smoke, or sizzle, or include rare bird spit from Guangzhou. Our advice is to pick a classic and build on it. They’re classics for a reason—no humanely sourced fair trade wild flowers required.
3. Don’t Go Crazy On The Booze
We all love grandpa, but once he starts hittin’ the sauce, his groping and orgasm jokes are less than cute and make us all gag. Because cocktails, by nature, are easy to drink, go a little easy on the alcohol. If you load ’em up with three kinds of liquor, everyone’s going to either black out or get sick, which sounds hilarious, but is less so when you’re left with the cleaning bill.
4. Use Fresh Ingredients
I shouldn’t even need to say this, but freshness counts just as much in your drinks as it does in your dinner. Picking a cocktail that utilizes fresh fruit and herbs is going to be much more enjoyable than the one utilizing Fireball and Aunt Jemima.
5. Make It Fucking Snappy
Hey, you know what sucks? Waiting on the bartender to add smoke/liquid nitrogen/shake my drink for 10 minutes when my fucking song is coming on. Pick a cocktail that can be made in under three minutes or get out of my life. Do you want a line at the bar winding around your reception hall like a tubular snake? Didn’t think so.
6. Make It Something You Like
This should go without saying, but motherfucking pick something that you (and like, I guess the groom) actually enjoy. If you met while sipping craft beers, go for a craft beer cocktail. If you met when he accidentally spilled a gin and tonic on you—you get the idea. Plus, it makes for a cutesy story that’ll maybe inspire people to add an extra 0 to your wedding gift.
Images: Rawpixel.com / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
It’s like, officially Fall today, so bring on the basic betch uniform consisting of NorthFace fleeces, Uggs, too many scarves, leggings, and the ever-present PSL. But because we literally deal with the onslaught of pumpkin everything every year, as soon as cool-ish weather hits, allow us to make a suggestion: Make a drink that’s totally autumnal WITHOUT the pumpkin flavoring.
Real talk—pumpkin is kind of a shitty flavor. It’s an odd, overly sized orange squash that people only associate with fall because a) there’s little, if any, actual produce this time of year (except you, apples), b) Halloween, and c) pumpkin pie—the only Thanksgiving dessert—is right around the corner. The issue we have here is that pumpkin on its own tastes like an old candle. It’s not sweet. It’s not really savory. It’s just kind of there. The addition of about eight cups of sugar, enough cinnamon to poison a small child, and other probs unnatural flavors make it palatable.
For these reasons, we give you a v alcoholic drink sans pumpkin anything. You’re welcome.
- 2 shots Rumchata
- 1 shot Caramel vodka
- Sea salt
- 2 tbsps caramel sauce—you can make your own OR just grab that Smuckers jar from the ice cream toppings aisle
Grab a martini glass and wet the rim with water. Dip into a plate of the sea salt, margarita style. Drizzle in your caramel sauce, so it sits in a happy puddle at the bottom of the glass.
Set aside. In a cocktail shaker, combine lots of ice with the Rumchata and vodka. Shake and strain into your salty martini glass. Chug that shit, and then go jump in a leaf pile. Or don’t and stay inside in sweatpants. Yay, Fall.
Your excuse to drink a vodka soda on a Tuesday is here: LaCroix is coming out with a new flavor, and you’re going to want to try it ASAP. Well. Okay. Full disclosure, the flavor isn’t available for purchase just yet, but I’m not here to stomp on anyone’s dreams. LaCroix sent out the new flavor to shareholders and told investors it’s “ready to launch,” so hopefully we’ll be able to get our hands on it soon. Side note, how do I become a LaCroix investor? Asking for
a friend myself.
The new flavor is Key Lime, which reportedly tastes like the regular lime flavor, only
a cool lime flavor sweeter and with a “scent of toasted meringue.” I have no idea what a “scent of toasted meringue” means—is this like the time I Instagrammed my Pizza Rolls with the caption “mozzarella and chorizo bites encased in a puff pastry and heated to perfection”? Is it going to taste like Pinnacle whipped cream vodka? Why is this even necessary when we already have a regular lime flavor and a Cherry Lime Cúrate flavor? Does LaCroix have stock in the lime industry? Am I just asking too many questions? Is my inability to accept good news such as this the reason I’m single and destined to be alone forever??
*Puts down blunt* So yeah, anyway, this new flavor sounds like it could replace your usual dessert order of decaf coffee, but no word on whether it will come between you and your beloved Pamplemousse. We’ll keep you updated on when you can buy it, so you should get ahold of your mom’s Costco card in advance.
As we get on into the scary shit that is adulthood, there are certain skills every betch should possess. Knowing how to fold fitted sheets (still unsure if this can be done), submit taxes, unload a dishwasher, book appointments, and even take care of an animal are all on the list. Feeding, and more importantly, drinking like a king are also up there. Knowing how to make classic drinks without consulting the internet so as to keep yourself and your friends drunk is super fucking important. Here is our definitive list of the drinks you need to memorize and know how to create for whoever walks through your door.
1. Gin & Tonic
It’s two goddamn ingredients, and if you can’t figure it out you don’t deserve to share space with those who do. Add about 2 oz. of gin to a tall glass filled with ice. Squeeze in 2-3 lime wedges, then add them to the glass. Add 3-4 oz. of tonic water and stir.
Ah, the margarita: a great and terrible decision, all wrapped into one. Luckily for you, making one isn’t really that difficult, since we’re going the classic route and not the blueberry burnt orange top shelf tequila dusted with fair trade sugar route. Run a lime wedge around two glasses and dip the rims in salt (or sugar if you’re a lil bitch). Set aside. In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, combine 4 oz. white tequila (NOT Jose Cuervo), 2 oz. Cointreau, and 1 ½ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit for about 15 seconds. Fill the rimmed glasses with ice and strain the margarita into the glasses. Garnish with lime wedges and serve.
A real martini is made with gin, which, while making you a psychopath for drinking it, isn’t all that bad when added to a simple concoction like the motherfucking classic dry martini. Combine 2 oz. of dry gin with 1 oz. dry vermouth and 1 dash of orange bitters (optional) in a cocktail glass that’s been chilled. Stir well and twist a piece of lemon peel over—then use as garnish. Olives are a faux pas, BY THE WAY.
4. Old Fashioned
Since this is like, probs the OG cocktail, you better know how to make it. Classic recipes abound and it’s not all that difficult. Put 1 tsp sugar in a glass, douse with 2-3 dashes of bitters and a few drops of water. Add whiskey and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Add ice, stir to chill, and garnish with an orange slice.
We admit Sarah Jessica Horseface ruined this one for us, but it actually isn’t that bad of a cocktail. I mean, it’s kinda sweet, kinda tart, and kinda really fucking easy to make. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 ½ oz of citrus vodka, ½ oz. Cointreau, ½ oz. cranberry juice, and ¼ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit well and strain into a cold cocktail glass.
6. Mint Julep
So this may be the most difficult of the bunch, and that isn’t saying much. If you live in the dirty south or raise horses/make bank on horses in Kentucky, you better know how to make this recipe as well as you can stalk an ex’s girlfriend’s mother’s brother within 30 seconds of finding out their middle initial. Place 2 tsp. simple syrup in a tall glass and add about 10 fresh mint leaves. Muddle that shit until they’re bruised, but not totally destroyed. Half fill the glass with crushed ice and add 3 oz. of good bourbon, stirring to combine. Add more crushed ice and add a few sprigs of fresh mint on top. Serve with a short straw.
Congratulations, and welcome to society, ya filthy animal.
Oh boy. When we go out, we obviously go fucking hard. Like, what’s the point if you aren’t going to take shots, dance like an animal, and make irresponsible decisions? Unfortunately, when we DO go out and act completely like assholes for the evening, we feel even worse the next morning. In college we managed to avoid hangovers and drink 4-5 days in a row. Who knew we were basically superheroes? Nowadays, hangovers stop us from going hard more than like, 2-3 nights, tops—and even the mildest of hangovers requires a minimum of 48 hours recovery time. But what if I told you that there were specific DRINKS you could order that would get you fucked up BUT result in a not-so-bad or barely there hangover? The legends are true.
Number one on every list for avoiding hangovers is our good Russian friend, vodka. Because it’s about 40% alcohol mixed with water with very little else (like coloring, preservatives, etc.) mixed in, hangovers are less common when you’re knocking this shit back. So, yes, continue ordering those vodka sodas for the foreseeable future.
Because it’s low in extra stuff added in, gin is a great option if you’re a psychopath AND want to experience a headache-free morning. Mix with a little tonic and lime for a low-cal drink that can still pack a punch.
3. Clear Liquors
As we’ve concluded with our extensive evidence on gin and vodka, really any clear alcohol (NOT BROWN) will enable you to actually attend brunch the next day without vomming on the table. Methanol is found in brown liquors and it stays in your bod loooong after the spins have subsided, making your hangover fucking unbearable.
4. Skip Anything Carbonated
Champagne, Four Lokos (what are you, 17 years old?), and you Red Bull vodkas aren’t helping your next day struggle. Basically, anything carbonated increases your rate of alcohol absorption. Which, like, is awesome while you’re drinking, but not so awesome the next morning.
5. Light Beer
Yah, it kind of makes you look like a narc, but if you insist on drinking beer at the bar then stick with the light stuff. The same rule applies with beer as with liquor—the clearer or less dark it is, the less terrible your hangover shall be.
6. White Wine
If, for some reason, wine is your jam at the bar and you’ve been seen toting around a wine glass while fist pumping and grinding on strangers (we see you, Rihanna), keeping it to the white variety can at least help your hangover the next day (no word on your dignity). Red wine has histamines that can actually make people who experience allergies feel fucking horrible the next day.
So like, in conclusion, the less you use sugary drinks and mixers, the better. The more sugar something contains, the worse your hangover will be. Stick with mixing soda water, seltzer, or just going with straight on the rocks for sippin’. Also, whiskey and dark liquors are NOTORIOUS for horrible hangovers, so skip the Jack and Coke.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.
If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.
This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.
-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka
-1 oz. sliced strawberries
-3 oz. spiked seltzer
-2 oz. coconut water
Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
Explosion For America
-¾ oz grenadine
-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao
-1 ½ oz vodka
-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)
Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.
While Manhattan residents enjoy overpriced cocktails as much as anyone else, the fact that we’re rent poor and like to get extremely fucked up when going out means we need to be resourceful about our choice of drinking location. Cue the BYOB restaurant, where you can bring your own alcohol to accompany dinner, usually because the place doesn’t have a liquor license and the food is best enjoyed while extremely intoxicated. There are actually plenty of NYC restaurants that will let you booze to your heart’s content and have great food, but like anything you have to know the right places. We’ve found eight for you to try out, because if there isn’t a strong chance that you’re blacking out during dinner then what’s even the point?
1. Eleven B (East Village)
Eleven B comes highly recommended as a place to have a few glasses of wine with dinner or hold a full-on pregame for a rowdy group of people. If you’re doing the latter, you should definitely call and make nice with the wait staff in advance since it’s a smaller place. They accommodate big parties and the food—pizza, salads, pasta, etc.—is very very good although I haven’t ever eaten there sober so can only be 99% positive about that.
2. Peking Duck House (Chinatown)
An instant classic, Peking Duck is birthday party central or just another place to get trashed with your 15 best friends if you guys enjoy family style Asian food. I guess you could also come here for dinner on a normal night, but that’s what Seamless is for. Order the duck, bring a lot of wine (they don’t allow hard alcohol) and you’ll be guaranteed to have a fab time here.
3. Panna II Garden (East Village)
Panna II Garden is liiit, and we’re not just talking about the fact that it looks like a Christmas tree exploded in there all year round. It serves Indian food, which may be a questionable cuisine before going out, but allows all the liquor, wine, and beer you can carry which makes it worth trying if your goal is to be wasted before 9pm.
4. Ponche Taqueria (Hell’s Kitchen)
This place is legitimately a hole in the wall so definitely won’t work for a huge crew, but Ponche Taqueria has some of the best Mexican in the city, which is saying a lot since there are like 15 different Dos Caminos’s in midtown alone. Bring wine or beer for this one and save the tequila for pre-dinner margs which we know you were planning on getting anyways.
5. Sticky Rice (LES)
Conveniently located where you’ll most likely be heading out for the night, Sticky Rice is the perfect dinner and drinking combo. They serve great Thai food and play bumping music at night so you’ll be ready to stumble over to the bars nearby after, and you’ll likely be joined by everyone else at the restaurant who has the same idea.
6. Poke (UES)
We know the UES might as well be upstate New York, but if you do happen to venture uptown Poke is a dope sushi spot that won’t destroy your bank account. It’s cash only and there can sometimes be a wait, but if you’re committing to that area anyway it’s NBD. You might as well drink some of that wine you brought while you wait.
7. Tartine (West Village)
Tartine is adorable AF and would be the perfect place to bring a date you actually like or small group of friends. This French restaurant offers BYOB dinner AND brunch which means bottomless mimosas and great food for extremely cheap. Need we say more?
8. BK Jani (Bushwick)
Yeah I know, “She doesn’t even go here!” But if you’re hanging out in Brooklyn because, say, your Bumble match lives there, this is the place to go. BK Jani—like most places in Bushwick and, now that I think about it, Bushwick in general—is a hole in the wall. BUT their burger is divine. Just trust me on this. Their other Pakistani-inspired offerings are delicious as well (I am told, I don’t branch out), and there’s a liquor store like, three doors down—meaning you don’t have to lug a liter of wine on the L train. Seating is a bit of a shit show, so make sure at least one member of your group comes on time to stake out a table.
The Fourth of July is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along in the dead of summer, when the weather is beautiful but I’m still trapped indoors at my 9-to-5 and need to be reminded of my will to live. Preferrably through shots. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to
black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is probably going to be sweltering hot this weekend, I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and be drinking on a packed, sweaty rooftop somewhere in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and black out in on this Fourth of July because, IDK, freedom or something.
1. Mr. Purple (LES)
Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel that I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself on being a person that
is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.
2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)
If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around (gags) while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it.
3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)
This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned.
4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)
I know what you’re thinking, the Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to
make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one-hundred-percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring herself for Instagram ads.
5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)
Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders* BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over Independence Day. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.
6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)
I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your July 4th plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.
Hipster: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels or capitalism*
7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)
This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.
8. The Delancey (LES)
Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting
poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.
^literally me last Saturday
This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life.