Between Instagram, Pinterest, and stalking that girl you hate from high school who got married last year and threw a wedding that apparently didn’t even know what a budget was, planning your big day is like crawling through a landmine of comparisons, what ifs, and “if my wedding isn’t the f*cking best event any of my guests have ever been to I’m 100% going to die.”
And while it’s easy to get caught up in every little detail, it’s also not really sustainable unless you’re cool with going bald from the stress. So, as you write up those to-do lists (and incessantly add to them), consider forgoing these few headaches that might keep you up at night, but you’ll immediately forget about post-wedding day.
1. Having An Even Wedding Party
From the moment I waltzed out of my mother’s womb, I knew one thing and one thing only: I was going to have an even wedding party. I didn’t care if I had to hire bridesmaids or make my groom go on guy dates just to have more friends standing up there. I. Was. Determined.
And yet, when I finally managed to get my ass down the aisle, my girls outnumbered the guys 11 to 6. No, I never wanted an uneven number of bridesmaids and no, I never wanted to have an absurd combination of people walking down the aisle to try to look cohesive. But in the end? It really didn’t matter. When the day comes, you’ll be too worried about not forgetting your bouquet/veil/vows to give a sh*t about who is standing up there, and trust me, so is everyone else.
2. The Favors
The wedding forums said you didn’t need them. Your dad said they were a waste of money. Your groom didn’t know this was a thing. And yet, you had to have them. So you ordered the shot glasses or the koozies or the little jars of olive oil (?) in bulk because EVERY PARTY NEEDS A PRIZE FOR ATTENDING, dammit! Then the reception came and went and three-quarters of your guests left without taking the glass with your faces etched in the side. So, now not only are you irrelevant and married, but you have about 75 glasses with your names on them and quite literally nothing to do with them.
Skip the overpriced prizes, and if you MUST give your guests something (other than an invitation to the most expensive party of your life, of course), make it something edible. The only favor your friends will really want is something they can stuff in their faces after the open bar closes and the hangover starts to set in.
3. That Expensive Piece Of Lingerie You Got For Your Wedding Night
You had high hopes. Really, you did. You went with your MOH to someplace with a French name that you can’t pronounce despite your four years of the language and the Spring Break you spent in Côte d’Azur. You tried on items with way too many straps, you got a little tispy on the free champs, and you walked out with a flimsy piece of lace and a charge on your card that immediately flagged your credit card company.
And yet, when you make it back to your suite after the wedding either blacked out, starving, or both, chances are you’ll throw on an old T-shirt and either scarf down some room service or throw up the three bites of dinner and eight glasses of Pinot you had at the reception and pass out face-down on the bed. You know, ROMANCE.
4. What Color Your Silverware Is
30 days before my wedding, I was stressing about one thing and one thing only: The fact that I did not pay the extra $500 for gold silverware. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I would go on Pinterest and stare at place settings with gold forks and cry like the dramatic bitch that I am because my wedding was ruined thanks to my dumb, fiscally responsible choice of going with classic *gag* SILVER silverware.
And then I woke up hungover on my wedding day. And then I forgot my bouquet in my hotel room. And then my FMIL had to leave the venue to get it. And then she was late to the ceremony. And then I forgot it again when I walked down the aisle. And then our reader blacked out on stage. And then nothing f*cking mattered. By the time my reception rolled around and guests kept shoving drinks (but not food, never food) in my face, I didn’t even know what silverware was, let alone if we had any.
5. The Sixth Pence In Your Shoe
If you even *know* what this is, you’re ahead of the game. The forgotten 5th “something” you’re supposed to have on your wedding day is honestly forgotten for a reason. If you go on Amazon and if you manage to bring an old-timey coin to your ceremony venue in addition to the 7,600 other unnecessary items, there’s still a very slim chance you’re going to wedge it into the Badgley Mischkas you’ll regret buying the second you take your first tentative tiptoe down the aisle.
Scrap the idea of shoving some outdated currency in your already painful shoes and settle for the checks from estranged relatives who still spell your first name wrong as good luck enough.
6. Bathroom Boxes
Like any somewhat classy bathroom where you’ll hide to talk sh*t with your friends, your wedding venue bathrooms need to be like a buffet of inhibition-lowering aids. Gum for a dance floor makeout? Check. Makeup wipes for those vodka-induced cries during the speeches? Check. Deodorant for the “before going home with a groomsman” spruce up? Check, check, check.
While it seems like an important detail to include in your “musts” list, quite literally no one, including you, will notice if it isn’t there the day-of. Which means you’ll either end up with a whole bunch of travel-sized mouthwashes because your bridesmaids forgot to put the baskets out or you can save the money and hassle and nix the idea that it’s your job to ensure that your guests understand the importance of personal hygiene and plan accordingly for a four-hour reception.
7. The Poses You Found On Pinterest
Sitting at the bar with your bridesmaids and tossing back a beer. Spraying champagne during the getting ready moments. Jumping on the bed. Holding your MOH’s hand behind your groom’s back. Doing the Bridesmaids pose from the movie, touching heads with your flower girl under your veil, holding chalkboards saying how all your bridesmaids met you walkingdownthehotelhallattheendofthenight.
There’s no way your photographer will even get a fraction of the lame poses you’ve had saved on your “someday” board. And more than that? She’ll hate you for suggesting all of them. Hell, YOU won’t even remember you wanted them until it’s your friend’s birthday and you’re using it as an excuse to post yet another *eye roll* wedding photo. Scrap the lame poses, stick to a few faves, and keep the post-wedding IG posts to a healthy minimum.
8. The “Unique” Guestbook
Whether it was an engagement photo your guests signed around, a random piece of wood with your new last name in some sort of script in the center, or the Polaroid photo album, you put a lot of thought into what your guest book was going to be. Then the day came and you couldn’t give a sh*t who all was there, let alone if they signed anything. Yeah, you might look through the signatures a few times, but as the drinks started flowing and the handwriting starts get looser, you’ll regret letting your idiot friends have Sharpies near a photo of your face. Buy something cheap, put the bridesmaid you like the least in charge of it, and lie to yourself that you’ll look through it every anniversary like a normal person.
9. Your Thoughtfully Selected Cocktail Hour Menu
As you’re planning your perfectly thought-out day, one of the most exciting aspects you get to decide is, of course, the food. Maybe I’m just a glutton, but playing cat-and-mouse with different catering companies as they serve you canapés and listen to you complain about how much weight you still have to lose before you can squeeze into your dress literally makes me aroused. By the time cocktail hour hits, however, your guests are so hungry and itching for alcohol that they’ll shove anything down their gullets. Skip the pricey passed items, set up a table of hummus, and put your money someplace more important—like a down payment on a house or your way-over-budget dress that you won’t fit into a week after the wedding. It’s not like you’ll be eating any of those fig, goat cheese, and caramelized bacon croquettes anyway.
10. The Grand Exit
At this point, you and your guests have seen it all. The ribbon wands. The sparklers. The bubbles. The butterflies, the confetti, the rice (does anyone still do this?). Hell, even fireworks are played out at this point. FIREWORKS. While sure, a photo of you and your new wife or hubby dip-kissing in front of some sparklers will get a few more likes than average, it’s still old news. Besides, chances are that by the time the reception is over, your shoes will be off, your hair will be disheveled, and your inhibitions will be down. The odds of you making it down a coordinated aisle of fire instead of to the bar next door grabbing pizza is pretty low.
Images: Jeremy Wong / Unsplash
The Fourth of July might be one of the best weekends of your summer, and even if it’s not, you looked good and blacked out by 2pm, so you deserve some recognition. Getting a sick Fourth of July Instagram can be tough if you want to give off the vibe that your summer kills everyone else’s’ but you’re not trying embarrassingly hard to get a candid pic of you with a red Solo cup in hand. Here are the dos and don’ts of getting your perfect Insta:
Do: Wear Red, White, And Blue
As much as people hate on the girls who wear patriotic colors on Fourth of July, it always looks cute, and it makes it look like you’re having a somewhat festive day, even if you’re just listening to Justin Bieber by the pool with a drink in your hand. I mean, you bought that American flag bikini for a reason, so you might as well put it to good use the one day a year you can wear it.
Don’t: Awkwardly Overdo The Theme
You probably know less about this country than you do about the difference between iced coffee and cold brew, so let’s not pretend you’re some historian all of a sudden. Toss the red and blue face paint and burn that cowboy hat. It’s possible to look cute on the Fourth of July without overdoing it, so find the line and don’t cross it. Let’s not embarrass ourselves before the first round of tequila shots even starts.
Do: Get Friends Involved
Instagrams that make it look like you’re dartying alone are just so cringeworthy. You’re obviously with some friends, so it’s not the time for a solo pic. Like, save that for when you’re on vacation with your family and your mom is willing to take a full-on photoshoot of you in the hotel pool. Fourth of July photos always look better with more people in it, so make sure to get your friends in.
Don’t: Butcher The Caption With Clichés
The last thing this world needs is another “Darty SZN” caption or even worse, the “Party in the USA” line. I mean, everyone knows you’re partying on Fourth of July and everyone has seen these lame captions a million times, so don’t abuse your social media rights. Think of something more creative, download CapGenius, or just stick with American flag emojis. It works every time and no one questions it.
Do: Get A Good Background
Wherever you’re spending your Fourth of July, make sure you get the best part of the location in the background of the photo. Like, if you’re on your sugar daddy’s friend’s yacht in the Hamptons, don’t upload some selfie with nothing photogenic around you. If you’re on the JIMMY at the James rooftop, don’t get your photo in the dark elevator ride. Utilizing your background is key if you want anyone to look at your Instagram and be like, “OK her Fourth of July looks dope.”
Don’t: Make Everyone Around You Hate You
Betches will basically do anything to get a good pic, but don’t make everyone around you start hating you because they got the wrong angle of you sitting on your lounge chair. Ask someone easygoing to take the pic, and if they’re not holding the phone high enough or not putting their cup down to get the perfect lighting, don’t freak out. A little filtering and a good caption go a long way, and it’s not worth getting the rep of the girl who can’t just enjoy a party without getting 500 photos of herself. Yikes.