When I think of my college living arrangements, there are a few things I miss (not paying rent, being a 10-minute walk from everything I ever needed), and a few things I don’t miss (campus security stealing my bong, mostly). Of course, some people have legitimately traumatic experiences with campus living, and I’m not even talking about getting stuck with a roommate who won’t shower. Just this week, Maddie, a junior at University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found a random man hiding in her closet. I’m barely okay with watching fictional crime shows about break-ins, so I can’t imagine how these girls are holding up. Here’s what we know about this batsh*t crazy situation so far.
Before they actually discovered the man in their apartment, the girls had noticed a few small things. First, some of their clothes were missing—but given that they lived with several other girls and probably stole each other’s sh*t all the time, I doubt this was that alarming. Next, they noticed “handprints on the bathroom wall.” Again, not great—but not sure I’d immediately call the cops. I mean, we’ve all done weird things when drunk. Maddie (the one who actually found the man in her closet) told Fox 8 that they suspected a ghost. Yeah, that’s the likely option. How good was this guy at hiding that they suspected a ghost before a human intruder? Or are they just obsessed with American Horror Story?
How they opted to handle the situation:
Obviously, it was decidedly not a ghost, which Maddie found out the hard way. She told the following to Fox 8: “I just hear rattling in my closet. It sounded like a raccoon in my closet.” When Maddie goes on to ask “who’s there,” as all white people in horror movies do instead of just running away and calling the cops, the intruder answers, as though they’re besties already, “me.” A second later, he realizes Maddie has no idea who the f*ck he is and follows up with “oh, my name is Drew.”
Umm, okay Drew. This girl might need a bit more of an introduction considered she just learned a stranger was hiding in her closet. You’re not introducing yourself to her at a bar, for goodness sake!
At this point, Maddie might’ve still assumed it was a drunk, entitled frat kid who somehow wandered his way into her closet. But when she opened the door, she found Andrew Swofford, 30—decidedly not a college student, both wearing and holding a bag full of her clothing. Maddie, exhibiting a heroic level of calm, called her boyfriend to come over and stayed with Swofford in the mean time. I think I speak for all of us when I say, girl, WHAT?! You found out a man was in your closet and wearing your clothes and your first response was to stay there and chat?? Wow. And here we all are, tagging each other in memes about wanting to die—Maddie is really living that life.
— FOX8 WGHP (@myfox8) February 4, 2019
Maddie reports that Swofford “started to try on one of her hats,” and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. The tone seems absurdly friendly: “You’re really pretty, can I give you a hug?” Swofford asks at one point. (Maddie assures Fox 8 he never touched her.)
Swofford, trying to Mean Girls his way out of this:
Swofford is now facing 14 felonies: identity theft, larceny, and possessing stolen goods, among others. In a shocking twist, Maddie revealed that their apartment has been broken into before. A few months back, the roommates found “two strange men in their living room.” Maddie insists “their doors are always locked,” and has no idea how this keeps happening. Well, I think there are two very easy and very likely theories as to why your apartment keeps getting broken into. Theory 1: the locks do not work! Change them. Theory 2: there are non-door points of entry that need to be sealed up. I would have also invested in an alarm system like, yesterday. I understand being new to the whole “living on your own” thing, but Jesus Christ. How many bed intruders does it take before you think “maybe I should do something about this”?
On a slightly more serious note, it sounds like Swofford may be in need of psychiatric help, and I hope he gets it. But for Maddie, who still appears to be sleeping in that apartment and complains that her room has a “bad vibe:” there is only one move when you find a man hiding in your closet, and it’s to get the f*ck out.
Update: An earlier version of this article stated Swofford was living in the closet for an extended period of time. This is incorrect, and we have amended the article to reflect that.
Images: Giphy (2); myfox8 / Twitter; Lifetime
The first semester of your freshman year can be pretty overwhelming. Like, between making those orientation week friends you’ll never talk to again, blacking out
five times twice a week without your RA finding out, and trying to understand why the fuck you registered for a Monday 8am, your plate is pretty full. But while you’re still trying to figure out where the dining hall is, or when your roommate will break up with her high school boyfriend, you may also realize you HAVE THE TIME to work out. College isn’t as busy as you think, and squeezing in a workout only gets harder after graduation (trust us, we’re old). No one wants to pack on the freshman 15 before Thanksgiving, so we suggest getting started ASAP. In case you don’t feel like venturing to the campus gym yet (be honest, you don’t even know where it is), here’s a full body workout that you can do in your dorm room.
1. Jumping Jacks: 30 Seconds
Jumping jacks are pretty self-explanatory, but we’re starting with them because they do the trick when it comes to getting your heart rate up and warming up your body. Like, if you’ve been sitting in class all day, you’ll probably need to jump around to get your body ready for a workout. If you find you’re hitting your roommate’s IKEA lamp with your arms, just jog in place instead. The goal here is to just get your body warmed up without injuring anyone in your shoebox-sized room.
2. Mountain Climbers: 30 Seconds
If you’re engaging the right muscles when doing mountain climbers, you really don’t need more than 30 seconds to start burning a ton of calories. Mountain climbers target your abs, shoulders, and legs, so make sure to keep your core engaged the whole time. Place your hands on the floor with your shoulders over your wrists and your legs straight back in a plank position. Then, climb your knees into your chest one at a time while engaging your core. The faster you go, the higher you’ll get your heart rate and the more calories you’ll burn, meaning the more shots you can take later without feeling guilty.
3. Plank Jacks: 45 Seconds
Plank jacks basically combine the first two exercises we did, so the point is to keep your core activated while jumping your legs in and out, working your abs while doing cardio. In your high plank, keep your shoulders over your wrist while jumping your legs in and out, keeping your body in one straight line. If you find your butt is rising up, remember to pull your belly button in toward your spine so you’re using your abs in the movement and not just your legs.
4. Squat To Lunge: 1 Minute
This move is meant to be done a bit slower, so make sure you’re not rushing through it and fucking up your form. Squats and lunges both work your lower body, so keep this up and your butt and legs will look amazing by the time you need to wear six Halloween costumes in one slutty weekend. Start standing up with your feet shoulder width apart and your hands behind your head. Then, flex your knees and hips while sitting back with your hips. Squat down low and make sure your knees aren’t reaching over your toes, then stand up. After the squat, lunge one leg behind you into a 90 degree angle, then stand back up and alternate between the two.
5. Jump Squats: 30 Seconds
Jump squats sound pretty innocent, but you’ll find that 30 seconds are pretty hard to get through without collapsing on the floor. But like, don’t do that because your floor is probably v dirty. Squat jumps are just like the squats you were just doing, but with a jump in between each one. Duh. So basically, squat down until your elbows touch your knees, and then jump back up, extending your legs straight and landing in your squat again. Use your hands to push upwards. The momentum will help you jump without relying solely on your legs, but either way, your legs will be burning by the end of the interval.
6. Tricep Dips: 1 Minute
It wouldn’t be college without mastering the skinny arm pose in every picture, and tricep dips really help make that less of a problem. Your triceps are the muscles that add any sort of shape to your arm, so if you’re looking to look toned (or just not 30+ pounds extra) in every group pic, we suggest you get to dippin’. This is a good move to do in a dorm room because you can use a bed or a chair. Facing backwards, place your hands on the bed or chair behind you. Slide your butt off the bed/chair with your legs extended out in front of you, and straighten your arms, keeping a little bend in your elbows. Then, slowly bend your elbows to lower your butt toward the floor and don’t stop until your elbows are at a 90 degree angle. Then, press down with your hands to straighten out your elbows into the starting position. Dip up and down for the full minute.
7. Shoulder Tap To Plank: 30 Seconds Each
This last move is really two exercises in one, but your arms and abs are both super important so stop whining about it. Start in a plank position and then lift one hand off the ground, tapping your opposite shoulder. The, switch hands and alternate for 30 seconds, keeping your hips and shoulders square to the ground. DO NOT lift your hips, or else you’re totally taking the pressure off your abs, which is wasting everyone’s time. Once you finish your shoulder taps, hold a basic plank for 30 seconds, engaging your core and squeezing your butt the entire time.
Once you finish all seven moves, repeat the circuit anywhere from 1-3 times, depending on how much time you have. Like, if you NEED to rush to some welcome week karaoke night we get it, but maybe reconsider your priorities when you’re eating mozzarella sticks at a diner with your suitemates at 3am. Basically, try to squeeze in those extra rounds.