If you’re starting college this fall, you’re probably v stressed about a lot of things right now, but of all the things you have to worry about (Will I gain the freshman 15? What if I hate my major? Are all these guys fuckboys?) the most legit concern are your fears about having to live with a roommate. Here’s the truth: You’re going to have, like, zero personal space, and you might fucking hate each other not always be best friends. So whether you got randomly assigned or shacked up with met someone you met at orientation, here are some red flags you should watch out for.
1. Extreme Homesickness
It’s normal to be a little homesick at the beginning of college. You used to have a mom to do all your shit for you and tell you you look pretty every day. Now you have to do shit for yourself and write things like “You’re beautiful!” in lipstick on your mirror as a confidence booster. It’s bleak. But most people adjust (aka start drinking heavily) pretty quickly. If your roommate is choosing to talk to her mom all the time instead of going out, drop that bitch like she’s an 8am calculus class. Or just like, wait it out. She’ll be transferring to her local community college by spring semester, and then you’ll have the room to yourself.
2. Gone Girl
If she goes home random weekends that aren’t even breaks and has yet to unpack a single one of her suitcases, there’s definitely going to be a problem. Like, if there’s a wedding or something we get it, but why is she literally always leaving? Who is she meeting? Is she a Russian spy? These are all valid questions. But she’s probably just going home to do laundry.
3. The Boyfriend Girl
We also need to talk about boyfriends. Plenty of girls go to college and stay with their boyfriends from high school, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a social life of their own. If she regularly turns down social invitations because she “has plans to Skype with Anthony,” that means she’s more invested in that dumb guy who could only get into a state school than her actual college experience. Unacceptable. Also, be ready for the day you come home to her in a pile on the floor screaming about how he cheated on her with some slut on his hall. Then prepare yourself for the day he shows up at your dorm room door with flowers demanding entry like you don’t also fucking live there. These things will happen, and they will be annoying AF.
4. Best Friend Roulette
It’s important to pick up social cues about your roommate, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Is she the kind of girl who has a new best friend every two weeks? Like, she’s obsessed with this girl Yasmin but then there’s some drama with a guy or something and then you literally never hear about Yasmin again and you suspect she might have been drowned in a water tank somewhere slightly off-campus? If this happens repeatedly, your roommate is absolutely the problem. You can still be, like, casual friends with her, but she is not bridesmaid material.
5. Psycho Flirting
Pay attention to how she is around guys too. Does she seem like she’s trying to impress every single guy she meets? Is she on a diet but then starts screaming about how much she loves hotdogs whenever a penis is present? Does she act like she never thinks about boys but then kicks you out to have sex like, five times a week? All red flags. But the worst thing is if she acts overly attached to a guy who you slowly but surely realize has no fucking clue she exists. She will not make a good wing woman, and will almost certainly get jealous and petty every time you make eye contact with a man.
6. Shitty Decor
As we’ve discussed before, you can tell a lot about a person by their choice of dorm decor. While there’s no one right way to decorate a room, you should definitely use your best judgment. Like, why did you bring three stuffed animals to college? Do you really need four framed photos of your boyfriend? Marilyn Monroe did not fucking say that. It’s all in the details. Oh, and if she dares put up anything with the words “Live,” “Laugh,” or “Love” on it, fucking run. She’s seriously disturbed, and you should probably alert the FBI.
7. General Hygiene
Dorm living is close quarters, and you’re quickly going to learn a lot about your roommate’s hygiene and habits. Like, sweetie, why does your laundry hamper always smell like a family of squirrels is living in it? Can you please throw away that food you stole from the dining hall a week ago? Who do you think is going to clean out the coffeemaker if you don’t do it yourself? People are awful.
8. Bathroom Deal Breakers
Showers should happen daily. Deodorant is not optional. If she doesn’t wear shower shoes in the communal bathrooms, she’s a psycho who’s not to be trusted.
So stay vigilant ladies, and remember, if something seems questionable, it probably is.
I look forward to Back to School season for one reason, and one reason only: the shopping, obvi. IDC if it’s because I’m buying markers, pens, colored pencils, and other boring shit that just collects dust. It still means I have to spend money and buy things for myself that I (debatably) need. It’s the time of year where I buy another overpriced planner, simply because the design is cute and I like feeling as though I have my shit together. Oh, how a planner makes for a perfect disguise. *writes in it for syllabus week only* I then go out and buy an entire new bed set because my side of the room has to look the fucking best. You know, just in case MTV Cribs decides to come back and have a dorm special or something. Although I’m now ancient af a college alum, if there’s one thing I learned, it’s where to buy the hottest shit for your dorm room to make everyone 1) jealous and 2) come to you for all the pregames. Listen up, betches. Class is session.
1. Lilly Pulitzer 2017-2018 Large Agenda – Beach Loot
Nothing screams basic bitch or sorority girl more than owning a Lilly Pulitzer planner. The large size comes with more than enough pages and space to write down all of your parties important dates. Plus, it comes with stickers that resemble Lisa Frank but like, for adults in a festive print that’s on your fave Lilly dress for this year’s track season.
2. Ban.do Agenda Starter Pack – Rose Gold
If you didn’t already, you’re probs getting a new big af bag to carry all your shit in to and from class. Although you’d like to look like you know wtf you’re doing, all of your things def get thrown in like pocket change after the first day of school. Well, this little pouch kind of makes your life easier. According to its description, it comes with things you just “neeeed,” like a marker stamp and gel pen—sounds about right. Since you lose pens like you lose bobby pins, you’ll need this rose gold pouch to keep at least one aspect of your life organized.
3. Anthology Aster Medallion Comforter Set
Too much of a colorful floral comforter makes me think you’re still a 5-year-old. You want one that’s simple, yet classy (whatever that means) in a neutral color so your one night stands don’t feel like they’re sleeping in their little sister’s room. For whatever reason, a white comforter says you’re a sophisticated betch with a fuck ton of power because you are taking a huge risk to keep a white comforter clean. This white one has a gray floral design you can mix and match with other bed décor and still feel like a queen.
4. Shop Betches Do Less Sleep More Pillow Case Set
While we’re on the topic of bed sets that mix and match, you’ll also need pillow cases that inspire you to have sweet dreams, help you go to sleep faster, blah blah blah. It’s not like these are like, therapeutic or anything, but at the end of the day you’ll feel really good about rewarding yourself with a nap you don’t need after barely lifting a finger. Same thing.
5. Urban Outfitters Folklorica Medallion Tapestry
If you don’t have a $50 UO tapestry hanging in your dorm room, do you even smoke weed dorm? This one comes in either navy or white with rose gold detailing so it’ll easily go with any bedroom theme you have going on. Its artsy design will make for the perfect Insta background so all of your followers will think you’re somewhere way cooler than your dorm room. Pro tip for those who aren’t ready to give up the tapestry life after college: You can actually get your tapestries framed, and it will instantly take your décor from “college stoner” to “cultured intellectual who probably studied abroad in India or some shit.” You’re welcome.
6. Francesca’s White Hang It Photo Display
You’ve seen this all over Pinterest and even though it’s probs easy af to make yourself, ain’t nobody got the time, patience, or attention span for that shit. So naturally we’re going to buy it instead. This cute photo holder can showcase all the photos you look good in cherish in a v crafty way—one you can totally get away with telling people you made yourself.
7. Urban Outfitters Bluetooth Speaker String Lights
Naturally, you’re going to get white Christmas lights like every other student and their mother. But these are different and like, literally the best thing I’ve ever seen. These come with Bluetooth enabled speakers you can pair with your iPhone so you can host the best pregames on campus, make all of your friends jealous, and have your room still looking lit. How fucking cool.
