It’s that time of year again: a new army of skanks 18-year-old betches are spreading their wings and heading to our nation’s best party schools universities. For the next four years, they will drink, sporadically attend class, and meet the man who they will affectionately remember as “the worst fucking person I’ve ever met in my life,” and they’ll do it all while living in a tiny cinder block box commonly referred to as a dorm room. Once you’ve killed made friends with your roommate, it is time to figure out your room’s aesthetic. Decorating a dorm room is one of the most stressful things about being in college. Some people will tell you it’s “the coursework,” but those people are narcs. Have fun in the library, narcs! For the rest of us, college is 90% social, 10% academics (with 5% of that 10% being staring at the hot guy in your bio lecture) so we’re here to tell you what kind of message your decorating style is sending. You know, in case you ever actually get said hot guy in your bio lecture’s attention and end up fucking studying together. Pay attention, because you don’t want to be the weird girl on your floor.
The Free People Groupie
If you have a dreamcatcher hanging anywhere in the room, you’re probably try a little too hard to convince people that you’re chill. That doesn’t mean you’re not chill, it just means you need to shut up sometimes. You’re the girl who has a tapestry from Urban Outfitters hanging on the wall and a couple of deliberately placed bongs elephant statues and you can’t shut up about how you’re going to backpack around Asia after graduation. You’ll start smoking a lot of weed and your floor will be covered in dirty clothes by October. At your 10 year reunion, you’ll discover your “weed dealer” was selling you stems the whole time which is so crazy because you’re sure you were high.
The Classy Minimalist
You are dorm goals. How are you 19 but your half of the room somehow looks like a literal West Elm catalog? Where did you get those succulents? You have an aesthetic that most can only aspire to, and you’re probably an architecture major. Is that a gallery wall? Where the fuck did you get so many frames? You’ll get a bid from the top sorority despite the fact that you didn’t even sign up for rush and will disappoint everyone by going into charity work instead of becoming the social media stylist we all knew you could be.
The Poster Whore
Posters are a cheap and easy way to add some personal flair and immediately tell people way too much about yourself. We like Justin Bieber as much as the next girl, but not everyone needs to know that the second you invite them over. You’re the type of freshman who will make out with a guy on the dance floor of a frat basement during the first week of school and spend the rest of your four years upset that he never texted you. And no, Marilyn Monroe did not say that, that Polonius guy did.
The Monogram Addict
As a general rule of thumb, your room should not have any Lilly Pulitzer that you didn’t receive as a gift. The Monogram Addict tells everyone that her laundry hamper is monogrammed so no one would steal it, but we know you’re really just bougie like that. Your life won’t start for real until you’re in a sorority and then you’ll have a whole new set of letters to plaster all over everything. Next Step: Bully some poor frat bro into giving you an MRS degree. You wear pearls and pink lipstick non-ironically. You’ve probably only tried weed once, and it made your stomach hurt. Welcome to college, girlie!
The Bare Wall Girl
You’re either a serial killer or you’re that girl who literally didn’t care enough to put one decoration on the walls. Tbh we identify with this. Looking back on it, why did we care so much about putting shit on the walls when we were usually blackout by the time we got back to our room anyway?
The Homesick Decorator
Your only decorations are three million photos from home and a fugly frame that all your high school field hockey teammates signed. Your group text from your high school friends is the most important thing in your life, and you probably have a boyfriend who’s in school back home. Tbh nobody will even know who you are since you spend most of your time in your room Skyping people from your hometown. Good luck, we’ll miss you when you transfer!
The Classic Betch
Obviously the best kind of style. Your room is cute and decorated without looking like you spent nine hours at Bed Bath & Beyond. You have candles even though they’re against the rules because you’re about that life. Do we spot a Shop Betches pillowcase? Good girl. You can sit with us.
Buy your own Shop Betches Left Lash Signature Pillow Case here!
I look forward to Back to School season for one reason, and one reason only: the shopping, obvi. IDC if it’s because I’m buying markers, pens, colored pencils, and other boring shit that just collects dust. It still means I have to spend money and buy things for myself that I (debatably) need. It’s the time of year where I buy another overpriced planner, simply because the design is cute and I like feeling as though I have my shit together. Oh, how a planner makes for a perfect disguise. *writes in it for syllabus week only* I then go out and buy an entire new bed set because my side of the room has to look the fucking best. You know, just in case MTV Cribs decides to come back and have a dorm special or something. Although I’m now
ancient af a college alum, if there’s one thing I learned, it’s where to buy the hottest shit for your dorm room to make everyone 1) jealous and 2) come to you for all the pregames. Listen up, betches. Class is session.
1. Lilly Pulitzer 2017-2018 Large Agenda – Beach Loot
Nothing screams basic bitch or sorority girl more than owning a Lilly Pulitzer planner. The large size comes with more than enough pages and space to write down all of your
parties important dates. Plus, it comes with stickers that resemble Lisa Frank but like, for adults in a festive print that’s on your fave Lilly dress for this year’s track season.
2. Ban.do Agenda Starter Pack – Rose Gold
If you didn’t already, you’re probs getting a new big af bag to carry all your shit in to and from class. Although you’d like to look like you know wtf you’re doing, all of your things def get thrown in like pocket change after the first day of school. Well, this little pouch kind of makes your life easier. According to its description, it comes with things you just “neeeed,” like a marker stamp and gel pen—sounds about right. Since you lose pens like you lose bobby pins, you’ll need this rose gold pouch to keep at least one aspect of your life organized.
3. Anthology Aster Medallion Comforter Set
Too much of a colorful floral comforter makes me think you’re still a 5-year-old. You want one that’s simple, yet classy (whatever that means) in a neutral color so your one night stands don’t feel like they’re sleeping in their little sister’s room. For whatever reason, a white comforter says you’re a sophisticated betch with a fuck ton of power because you are taking a huge risk to keep a white comforter clean. This white one has a gray floral design you can mix and match with other bed décor and still feel like a queen.
4. Shop Betches Do Less Sleep More Pillow Case Set
While we’re on the topic of bed sets that mix and match, you’ll also need pillow cases that inspire you to have sweet dreams, help you go to sleep faster, blah blah blah. It’s not like these are like, therapeutic or anything, but at the end of the day you’ll feel really good about rewarding yourself with a nap you don’t need after barely lifting a finger. Same thing.
5. Urban Outfitters Folklorica Medallion Tapestry
If you don’t have a $50 UO tapestry hanging in your dorm room, do you even
smoke weed dorm? This one comes in either navy or white with rose gold detailing so it’ll easily go with any bedroom theme you have going on. Its artsy design will make for the perfect Insta background so all of your followers will think you’re somewhere way cooler than your dorm room. Pro tip for those who aren’t ready to give up the tapestry life after college: You can actually get your tapestries framed, and it will instantly take your décor from “college stoner” to “cultured intellectual who probably studied abroad in India or some shit.” You’re welcome.
6. Francesca’s White Hang It Photo Display
You’ve seen this all over Pinterest and even though it’s probs easy af to make yourself, ain’t nobody got the time, patience, or attention span for that shit. So naturally we’re going to buy it instead. This cute photo holder can showcase all the photos
you look good in cherish in a v crafty way—one you can totally get away with telling people you made yourself.
7. Urban Outfitters Bluetooth Speaker String Lights
Naturally, you’re going to get white Christmas lights like every other student and their mother. But these are different and like, literally the best thing I’ve ever seen. These come with Bluetooth enabled speakers you can pair with your iPhone so you can host the best pregames on campus, make all of your friends jealous, and have your room still looking lit. How fucking cool.