Wow, another great day to be a woman/alive. Doritos is making a new version of their product just for women, so it looks like the Women’s March worked. Wtf does this even mean? Tysm for asking. In an interview with Freakonomics, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi discussed the ways in which gender differences are influencing new developments for their products. She suggested that women don’t like when their chips crunch too loud, or when the flavoring gets on their fingers, because it’s not ladylike to lick your fingers in public or whatever. So basically Doritos is answering all of our prayers by making a chip that magically doesn’t crunch or get shit all over your fingers. Cool.
I mean, I guess it might be true that *some* women prefer not to crunch too loudly or to have to suck their fingers in front of creepy dudes in public, but if I were to take a guess on what *most* women want, I would land on equal pay, being treated as humans, and not being told how to fucking act all the time. Just a shot in the dark there.
I’ll also point out that eating loudly and indulging in the “finger-licking-good” culture are things women are told we *have* to avoid because of annoying gender norms. It’s not like we have a passion for not being noticed when we eat. Or speak. Or breathe. Or do literally anything. These chips are literally just reinforcing old norms and stereotypes that we are trying to deconstruct and break free from. It’s all backwards.
Freakonomics: What do you think it means to be a woman in today’s society?
Doritos: Mostly just having your period and not making any noise when you eat chips. Final answer.
Anyway, women took to Twitter to speak their minds on the issue, because at least they’re still letting us do that.
women: give us equal pay
the world: look, a KFC female colonel!
women: we said equal pay
the world: doritos won't crunch anymore!!!
women: EQUAL PA-
the world: have you tried "BIC PENS FOR HER"??
— Ali Vingiano (@alivingiano) February 5, 2018
What if Lady Doritos are just regular Doritos but when a woman buys a bag she only gets 77% of the chips a guy would.#LadyDoritos
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) February 6, 2018
The only quiet chips are stale chips. This Tuesday I’m voting #no on #ladychips
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 6, 2018
Now, PepsiCo is saying that the “reporting on a specific type of Doritos product for women” is inaccurate, so it’s probs safe to say that these lady Doritos might not ever see the light of day due to the backlash. One step forward, twelve steps back, I suppose.
Still, I can’t wait to tell my future nieces about the long and strenuous fight for Lady Doritos. Whatever, I’m getting Cheetos.
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Images: Giphy, Twitter
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.
This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.
10. Michelob Ultra
Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.
I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?
While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.
7. Winter Olympics
While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.
6. Jack in the Box
I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.
Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.
Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.
Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.
2. Amazon Alexa
If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.
1. Doritos & Mountain Dew
Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.