I’m a writer living in New York City, so obviously I’m obsessed with therapy. And two incontrovertible truths my shrink has told me? One: using humor as a defense mechanism to compensate for my emotional unavailability is only f*cking up any of my chances at a healthy, intimate relationship, thus making me destined for crippling loneliness. Two: parents are the sole reason that anyone is so f*cked up. It’s evident that mommy and daddy issues are the lifeblood of petty drama on a public scale, toxic celebrity relationships, and reality television. We love that sh*t at Betches. So let’s all raise a vodka soda to awful parents of celebrities. I’ve rounded up who I deem to be the worst celebrity parents, but be sure not to drink too much because that could mess with your antidepressants!
1. Stephen Baldwin
Dads can be so embarrassing. One time I was at a really chic, celebrity-studded spot and Hailey Baldwin was there with her dad. She looked gorgeous, tastefully dressed, and was absolutely flawless in person, whereas her dad was wearing a trucker hat and what I believe were board shorts. I thought it was bad when I went to a Halloween party when I was little with my dad dressed up like my mom. But trust me, what Stephen did to Hailey was ten times more embarrassing.
He also was recently out to lunch with Hailey and Justin when the newlyweds got into a tiff. Color me shocked that two crazy kids who barely dated before they got married are already having trouble in paradise. Onlookers noted that Stephen facilitated in resolving the situation, and then smacked Justin on the a**. Look, a lot of us want to grab Justin’s a**, but a lot of us aren’t creepy enough to actually go there. And if Stephen playing grab-the-booty with his son-in-law isn’t proof enough that he’s a mortifying dad, peep this Instagram video and tell me this isn’t enough incriminating evidence to get emancipated:
The f*ck did I just watch?
2. Dina Lohan
Dina Lohan really loves her kids. Like, really, really loves her kids. See?
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Parent Trap #lindsaylohan #dinalohan #maternalinstinct #appledoesntfallfar #fbf
It’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan played Cady Heron in Mean Girls when she had Regina George’s mom in real life. That is if Regina George’s mom allowed underage girls to drink inside a house that hosted happy hour 24 hours a day. Dina is known to go out clubbing with Lindsay, whose substance abuse issues have previously landed her in jail. Maybe not the best idea to blatantly enable your daughter that way? IDK, I don’t have kids. I’m just spitballing ideas here.
Dina also had a failed reality show called Living Lohan. It was about her trying to get her youngest daughter Ali’s career off the ground. Critics lambasted Dina, calling it “exploitative” and “trashy”. Most reality television is exploitative and trashy, but Dina somehow managed to make it completely unwatchable. The only redeeming quality about Dina is that one time she met my ex-best friend at Starbucks and told her that she resembled her daughter when her daughter was at her peak crackhead phase.
3. Joe Simpson
In classic Donald Trump fashion, father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson just loves to talk about his daughter’s bodies, specifically Jessica’s. Joe was quoted in a 2004 article for GQ saying, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got DOUBLE Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up!” That’s totally normal praise any father would give their daughter? Right???
In 2012, Simpson was caught cheating on his wife of 34 years with an aspiring male model, Bryce Chandler Hill. Hill was only 21 at the time (younger than both his daughters) and Simpson was 54. The two were introduced by a mutual friend of Ashlee and Jessica, so it doesn’t quite get more f*cked up than that. The affair allegedly went on for a year, but Simpson still denies all rumors about being gay to this day.
To top this all off, Simpson also had his Twitter account “hacked” back in 2014. For the hour he was locked out, his account posted over 40 tweets claiming that he was a child molester. That couples well with being accused of fitting your daughter for her training bra. Can someone say dad of the year?
4. Billy Ray Cyrus
Okay, we all try to forget, but remember when Miley went through her awful phase? Like broke-up-with-Liam-twerked-on-giant-stuffed-animals-and-made-trash-music phase? Yeah, that wasn’t her fault. Ask any shrink out there, and they will tell you that your nasty skank phase is your parents’ fault. Miley even came forward and said Hannah Montana really f*cked her up. And who was instrumental in that? Her father.
I mean, Jesus Christ, not only did he play a stage parent, he played her father on the show and had the world’s most annoying catchphrases. Billy Ray later came forward and said the show ruined his family. Um, you’re an adult who should have his children’s best interest at heart. Miley was a clueless kid, so why’d you do it in the first place? Billy Ray is a one-hit wonder who piggybacked off his daughter’s fame 10 years ago. So he’s got loads of time on his hands. Maybe he should use that time to parent instead of posting sh*t on Twitter that only a teenage girl would post.
Much to think about. pic.twitter.com/8Er6a0qANY
— Billy Ray Cyrus (@billyraycyrus) June 9, 2015
5. Donald Trump
Look, every parent has a favorite kid, but good parents just refuse to admit it. Yet Donald Trump admitted that Tiffany is the daughter that he’s “less proud of.” Um, Tiffany is the only adult kid of his that probably isn’t going to be indicted for treason or whatever, so maybe take it easy on her.
His son Donald Trump Jr. is also probably going to be indicted because he was doing his father’s bidding. And besides Ivanka and her husband Jared’s legal transgressions, let’s focus on the fact that Donald seems to have the creepiest relationship on the planet with her. He once said she has a nice enough figure to be featured in Playboy. He also frequently makes comments about how hot her body is. Just like any dad would. He even went as far as to say that he would totally date her if he weren’t her father. Did Southern states vote for Trump because he’s just as chill with incest as they are? (LOL is that too far?) From being a father and husband to a businessman to the president to a decent human being, Donald Trump is clearly a horrific person on every level. But remember Hillary’s emails, though?
Images: (@stephenbaldwin7/Instagram; @sassyskips/Instagram; @charliercollection/Instagram; @billyrayecyrus/Twitter)
Every breakup deserves an anthem. I mean, look at T-Swift. That girl made a career out of breakup songs. She is definitely queen of the not so subtle references to her exes, but Donald Trump Jr.’s supposed mistress, Aubrey O’Day, is def giving her a run for her money. After it came out that Don Jr. and his wife Vanessa were getting a divorce, it also came out that he allegedly carried on an affair with Danity Kane singer and former Apprentice contestant, Aubrey O’Day. After rumors of O’Day and – I think I’m gonna be sick – Donald Trump, Jr.’s affair, TMZ (God bless you, TMZ) went back and uncovered this video of O’Day covering Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know,” with revamped lyrics that seem v. Trumpy.
So what exactly are the lyrics in question? Let’s break them down…
*Disclaimer: If you get grossed out easily, by the thought of these two getting it on, read this on an empty stomach.*
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you told me that your marriage was a lie (That sounds like a Trump…)
Told me that I brought you back to life
Couldn’t live without me by your side
Didn’t care about the sex, you begged to fuck my mind (No. No.)
You can get addicted to a certain kind of madness
You’d love to be a man your life just won’t allow (ok true)
You said that was the reason for your pain
But you were scared to ruin your family’s name (Daddy did that first, anyway)
Your wife’s the only one glad we are over (Hi Vanessa – glad you go out.)
You’re just another liar that I used to know (Trumps don’t lie… fake news)
So this sounds like a super effed up relationship, with a heavy dose of mind fucking and “that certain kind of madness”. To make things even more dramatic the music video that O’Day failed to finish for the song includes her naked with words like “loyalty”, “hate” and “seduce” written on her. Thanks to TMZ you can view the video. The only good part about this whole story is that Vanessa has filed for divorce and can go on living her life separately from Trump, Jr. just like she’s been doing for the last couple of years.
As we all know, what happens on Celebrity Apprentice doesn’t stay there, so it’s no surprise that this eventually came out. We are just sorry that DJ Pauly D had to find out his ex used to get with Trump, Jr. before him, because he’s kind of a grenade. BTW this is only the latest in a number of scandals involving the Trump family’s personal lives and honestly I’m just waiting for Stormy Daniels to release a mixtape about her and the President or better yet a sex tape proving it happened… America is so great!
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Ho. Lee. Shit. Another one bites the dust. And while it is someone living in the wacky world of Trumplandia, this time it’s not another appointed official throwing in the towel. It’s Don Jr.’s wife Vanessa Trump. Vanessa took to the Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to officially file for divorce after 12 years of marriage. She decided it was time to free herself from the shackles and live her damn life, and I truly couldn’t be prouder. Either that, or she saw that Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization and wanted to GTFO before her husband goes to JAIL. Either way, we’re happy for ya, ‘Ness.
According to multiple inside sources, Donny J and Vanessa have been on the rocks for quite some time, and Trump Sr. becoming president was just the icing on the cake – if the cake was made of Twitter rage, orange self-tanning lotion, and sadness. Baby V was understandably upset with the intense amount of attention and scrutiny bombarding her family, and allegedly hated Don Jr.’s tweeting, calling it “unhinged.” (True, Vanessa. True.)
Just last month, Vanessa was hospitalized after receiving an envelope containing a suspicious powdered substance that was feared to be anthrax, but ended up being a false alarm. The couple also spent Valentine’s Day separately, with their five (five?! Jesus.) children, which is a clear sign that this relationship was dead and gone. If you can honestly tell me you’d rather spend the most romantic day of the year telling your snot nosed pre-teens to stop blowing straw wrappers at each other across the table instead of breaking out the molly you’ve been saving for a special occasion and having marathon sex, I have some bad news for you and your soon-to-be-ex husband.
Vanessa and Jr. met back in 2003 at a fashion show. They were introduced by none other than the big Don himself. First of all, if some creepy old dad tried to set me up with his lube-haired son, I would run for the GD hills. Vanessa clearly does not have the same standards.
However, the first introduction didn’t leave much of an impression, and when they met again at a party a few weeks later, Vanessa literally said, “Wait, you’re the one with the r*tarded dad!” Forgive me for not being shocked that someone who knew the Trump family was an avalanche of stupid but married into it anyway for money would use the r-word to describe her future father-in-law. Though, in her defense, it was 2003 when we were all low-key pretending that was okay.
Clearly, the perks did not outweigh the constant nightmare of waking up next to Donald Jr. every morning and realizing she was trapped in a perpetual hell of MAGA hats and being the “other hot blonde who isn’t Ivanka.” Vanessa, I wish you luck on your journey back into the single life. Enjoy your glow-up as you drift peacefully away from all things Trump and probably try to salvage your former modeling career by resorting to promoting flat tummy tea on Insta. Oh and Melania, I hate to tell you to just copy someone else but…your move, girl.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
If when you hear the words “Donald Trump” and “former model” in the same sentence, you immediately jump to sexual assault allegations or Forbes-magazine-spanking scandals, you’re not alone and I really can’t blame you. However, there’s a former model currently working in the White House as an indentured servant named Melania who might accidentally be the one who brings down the Trump presidency from the inside. So who exactly is Hope Hicks and how did she get a job in the White House with no prior political experience? Here’s what we know.
Who TF Is Hope Hicks?
Trump’s third attempt at choosing a White House Communications Director that will last more than 10 days (RIP “the Mooch”) is former model and NYC publicist, Hope Hicks. Hicks worked at a PR firm representing major celebs like the Trump family, and specifically Ivanka, who poached her to work on b0th expanding her clothing brand and then modeling her pieces as well. When clients come into our office, they usually ask me to fetch them coffee or point out the bathrooms instead of offering me my big modeling break, but I’m not bitter or anything.
Before she was a big shot publicist, Ms. Hicks still had her finger on the pulse of Manhattan’s elite in another way. Before she modeled for Ralph Lauren and Ivanka, Hope was on the cover of the Gossip Girl spinoff series about Jenny Humphrey called It Girl. Just when you thought little J could literally not get any more insufferable, she ends up working to desperately make Trump look sane in the public eye.
Ivanka clearly trusted Hope because she looks hot in her clothes to promote her family in a positive light, which led to the Big D hiring her as Communications Director because she looks hot in Ivanka’s clothes even though she’s only 29 and has no political experience whatsoever. While that is seriously impressive and, like, inspirational to young bad business bitches everywhere, I can’t think of any person in their twenties who is actually qualified to hold an official government position. Every year before 30 is still a shit-show and deserves to be treated as such before it’s socially unacceptable to end the night wasted and asleep with a bowl of mac and cheese in your bed.
Why Is She In Trouble?
As a Communications Director, it’s Hicks’ job to attempt to filter the insane shit that leaks out of Trump’s mouth to at least make him look semi-sane and to stop him from saying something that will get him in tons of trouble (TBH she’s doing a pretty terrible job as far as that’s concerned). One of her responsibilities is literally to type out Trump’s tweets as he dictates to her through greasy mouthfuls of McDonald’s, and my question is just…how could you let those get posted? A small part of your educated, press-savvy brain must be rotting away having to use the wrong “there/their” and punctuating everything with indiscriminate caps lock. I know I have a slight aneurysm every time I read one.
At the moment, Hope may be in hot water now that it was revealed that she and Trump allegedly drafted the statement together that claimed Donald Jr.’s meeting with Russian lawyers had nothing to do with dirt on Hillary Clinton and was about lifting sanctions on Russian adoption. You’re not exactly proving your PR skills, girl, because that is the least believable lie I’ve ever heard since those few months when Kylie Jenner tried to pretend she doesn’t have lip injections. It’s (literally) written all over your face.
Mark Corallo, a former legal spokesman for the Trump administration who resigned last July, claims that Hope told him Don Jr.’s emails about the meetings “will never get out,” which some might take as a threat that she plans to cover them up and prohibit anyone from seeing them – AKA obstruction of muhfuckin’ justice. Corallo plans to testify to Mueller that Hicks may have had knowledge of or intent to obstruct justice, which would lump Trump himself right into the equation if they cite the statement they drafted together about the Russia meeting.
It’s also worth noting that the PR firm Hicks previously worked for was owned by a guy who made his name as Harvey Weinstein’s publicist, so it’s clear that Hicks learned her techniques from the top of the covering-up-dubious-behavior food chain.
Oh Little H, did you learn nothing from Blair Waldorf? The secret to a good lie is making sure no one ever finds out. If you really have something to do with holding back information, it looks like your “hope” of keeping your job – and staying out of jail – might get squashed. I hope you know how to model orange jumpsuits. XOXO.
What Highlighter Does She Use?
Unfortunately Hope has not spoken out on this important topic, but hopefully Robert Mueller can include this line of questioning her in deposition. The American people deserve to know.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
President Trump’s Twitter definitely takes the cake for most problematic social media account of all time anyone in his family, but Donald Trump Jr.’s Instagram might be a close second. In the past, Don Jr. used the ‘gram to say how he was going to take away half of his daughter’s Halloween candy to explain socialism, but his most recent post is somehow even more cringeworthy.
On Sunday, Don posted a slideshow of him posing with Ted Cruz, holding a cake that has a picture of Barack Obama in red white and blue icing. The caption is a real classic: “With friends like these… some good friends decided that while my birthday is not for 2 weeks that they would get me an early 40th birthday cake. And what birthday is complete without an Obama cake? I figured it was so good that I would have to share it with Ted.” Like…what?
While we’re distressed at the idea that a 40-year-old man is still having a weeks-long birthday celebration, there are more pressing issues here. The combination of Ted “Zodiac Killer” Cruz and Don “Spray Tan” Jr. in one photo is a lot to take in at one time. Ted looks his average level of constipated, which means if he were a normal person he’d be chugging Activia yogurt and hunching over the toilet. Don is making a face that can be best described as a playful grimace, and we need it to stop right fucking now.
And let’s talk about the cake. First of all, the picture of Obama is, um, an interesting choice. It seems like it must be a joke, but these men know that they’re like actual leaders of our country, right? Like, I could get an ironic Taylor Swift cake for my birthday and it would probably get 150-200 likes on Instagram, but I don’t have to go back to the Senate on Monday morning and see articles about it online. These men are basically overgrown high schoolers, and it’s upsetting AF.
The photo with Ted Cruz is the most important here, but the post is actually a slideshow with two other solo pics, because Don Jr. is a messy bitch who needs attention. In the second one, he’s doing an intense soft smile that truly makes him look like an orangutan, and in the third one he’s doing that fucking grimace thing again. Our favorite part is the basic bitch who photobombed both pictures, because she’s the true messy bitch who needs attention. Good job, sis, you weaseled your way into one of the ugliest effing photos we’ve ever seen.
If you need me for anything, I’ll be crying into an Obama cake while eating the entire thing with my hands.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
By now you’re probably pretty familiar with the whole “Russia interfered in our election to make Donald Trump president” thing. Now, given the fact that Don Jr. literally leaked his own nudes incriminating emails and will probably face zero consequences, the Russians are getting even bolder. Like, Jared Kushner literally met with a Russian lawyer for dirt on Hillary, tried to create a secret backchannel between the U.S government and Russia, and left over 100 foreign nationals off his security form and he still has top level security clearance. The Russians are winning, not because we’re better than them, but because we’re literally not fighting back in any way. And I mean, if they can come for our democracy, what else can the come for? Our Netflix subscriptions? Our BOYFRIENDS?!?!
That’s right, betches, the Russians are coming for your relationship and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. All we can do is sit around and wait until some woman named Svetlana with incredible cheekbones starts popping up on your discover page, liking all your man’s stuff and posting heart-eye emoji comments. Next thing you know, you’ll be coming home to her feeding him beef stroganoff and find out all your computer passwords have been compromised. Don’t believe me? Watch this:
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