We all know that capitalism is the root of evil in the world, which is the only possible explanation for these dolls that are allegedly supposed to look like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Meghan’s doll looks like a cross between an uglier version of Samantha Parkington (the American Girl, duh) and the world’s blurriest photo of Meghan, while Harry’s is…much worse.
He has brown hair and eyes instead of red/blue, and he looks like a reject villain from the Toy Story movies. Like what is with the actual shape of this doll’s eyes here? Why is he wearing the exact out fit the Prince in Cinderella wears? Why does he have a bowl cut? And most importantly WHY ISN’T HIS HAIR RED? Red hair is like, Prince Harry’s defining feature. Isn’t the whole *point* of Prince Harry that he’s a ginger? Why else is he here?
Let me list the things that are wrong with these new ‘Harry & Meghan’ dolls.
1. Everything. pic.twitter.com/HJTRrQzTqS
— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) January 18, 2018
As for Meghan…it’s a no from us. First of all, the face is a lot more “Bride Of Chucky” than it is “former Deal or No Deal suitcase holder turned Suits star turned Princess.” (Yes I do know Meghan will not actually be a Princess don’t @ me.) And I mean, sure they got the hair color right here, but why the f does this doll have jowls? Plus I’ll shit a brick if Meghan wears a dress this fugly down the aisle. And like, just to keep it absolutely 100, but this doll reads a lot more as “Becky after a day in the Sun” than “first African-American royal.”
The worst part? The dolls are being sold for a cool $180 on Etsy, but the nightmares are completely free with or without purchase. God save the Queen.
Mattel, aka the company that introduced us to Barbie and unrealistic beauty standards for women, just released a new line of Ken dolls featuring 15 “new looks” for Ken and every single one of them looks like they’re personal friends with Nick Viall. Last year, in an effort to make Barbie more diverse, Mattel did a similar remake for Barbie, debuting a variety of new skin tones and body shapes. Now, the company is looking to do the same for Ken, except this time it appears their theme was less about “diversity” and more about “dudes who would snap you a dick pic after one meeting.” Somebody at Mattel clearly took those RompHim ads to heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if each one of these new dolls came with a voice box that said stuff like, “I’m sure I have a condom somewhere,” and “She’s like a sister to me!” No word yet one what accessories these new Ken dolls come with, but I’m fairly sure they each have a fidget spinner, android phone, and a pocket full of dirty-ass change that will get all over the place when they pass out fully clothed on Barbie’s bed.
Much like the fuckboys we meet IRL, Mattel’s new Fuckboy Ken collection represents the full range of shitty dudes we’ve all had the pleasure of meeting in our twenties. Each of these new Kens is their own special fuckboy snowflake, so here is our breakdown of each of these new Kens and how his relationship with Barbie will probably play out.
Festival Fuckboy Ken
Malibu Barbie met this Ken at Coachella when the two of them briefly touched hands while buying molly from the same guy. After blacking out and losing their friends, the two of them spent a whirlwind afternoon hopping from tent to tent, making out in public, and posting approximately 200,000 Instagrams together with captions like #soulmates and #festivallove. By the end of the night one, they decided they were in love, but are separated when Barbie’s drunk AF friends finally find her and Skipper pukes on his shoes. Barb will spend the next week pretending to not think about him when she’s really thinking about him non-stop, only to run into him on the second weekend rolling face with a Bratz doll. The Bratz doll will introduce herself as Ken’s girlfriend, and Ken will call Barbie “Britney” by mistake. Barbie will then spend the next 20 minutes deleting all the evidence of their affair and will miss Chance The Rapper’s set because she was so pissed.
College Fuckboy Ken
Barbie dated Ken for the majority of college. And by “dated” I mean “would hook up with him every weekend and get in public fights at the campus Starbucks during the week.” Despite the fact that he and Barbie have attended every frat and sorority event together and she’s spent the past three 4th of Julys at the beach with his family, Ken refuses to let Barbie say that she is his girlfriend and regularly attempts to slide into her friend’s DMs. Barbie will finally become his girlfriend after Ken sees her at the club breathing next to another guy and loses his shit. The two of them are married now and their entire friend group is really concerned for their future children.
Friend Zoned Fuckboy Ken
Barbie has been friends with this Ken for years and while of course she knows he’s totally in love with her, she just tries to ignore that and keep things friendly. One night after a particularly bad fight with College Fuckboy Ken, Barbie will have one too many glasses of Champagne and make out with Friend Zone Ken after he tells her should be treated “like a princess” or some shit. Barbie will immediately regret this and invite Ken to coffee to talk it out, at which point he’ll totally fucking lose it and start crying in a Grumpy’s. Barbie will spend the rest of college avoiding eye contact with him and Ken will get super involved in a Men’s Rights Activism page on Reddit.
Maybe Gay Fuckboy Ken
Things were going great between Barbie and this Ken until her gay BFF, Earring Magic Ken, took her aside to say that he saw her new Ken’s torso on Grindr. The two of them then set out on an elaborate scheme to catch Ken in his lies, but ultimately chicken out before actually inviting him over and just kind of agree to share him. Barbie continued dating him for another six months and it’s low-key the healthiest relationship she’s ever had.
Religious Fuckboy Ken
Barbie met this fuckboy when she accidentally showed up early to a house party. The two of them made small talk on a roof which turned into a deep chat that had her so distracted thinking about their future wedding that she didn’t realize he was drinking water, and not straight vodka like her. After two full hours of chatting about the meaning of life, Barbie hit him with a “Do you want to come back to my place?” to which he’ll reply, “Actually I don’t do that but I’d love to invite you to come to church with me on Sunday.” Then Barbie will jump off the roof and die.
Foreign Fuckboy Ken
Barbie met this Ken while spring breaking in Ibiza. At first he set off her gaydar, but then she realized he was just European. While he has literally no personality and barely speaks English, he’s hot and has a cool accent and knows club promoters so she just kind of rolled with it. His name is Stefano…or Sergio? Or maybe it’s just Steve. Barbie can’t remember. Either way, the two will part ways on good terms, making tentative plans that they know will never happen to visit each other in the future. He still likes some of her Insta posts, but only the really thot-y ones.
Rich Fuckboy Ken
This guy is literally the worst, but Barbie entertains his presence because he’s rich AF and pays for everything. Though she knows in her heart that she’s only being invited to “chill” on his yacht because 10 other Barbies said no, she agrees to go mainly for the Instas. She’ll entertain the idea of marrying him but then they’ll talk for five minutes and she’ll be like “fuck that” and hook up with one of his friends instead. This happens once a year and Barbie kind of loves it.
Secret Fuckboy Ken
Barbie only agreed to go out with this Ken after a particularly enlightening drunk brunch where she promised her entire friend group she was done with fuckboys and would only date nice guys from now on. Sadly, he turned out to be the greatest fuckboy of all. Between never texting back and sending her Facebook invites for his improv shows, this Ken will somehow manage to take up a year and half of Barbie’s precious time. He’ll end up dumping Barbie for a high school senior who thinks he’s “sooooooo interesting” and Barbie will be forced to side-eye all of his Facebook statuses about being a male feminist for the rest of her days on this Earth.
This Ken doll is just Dean. Barbie fell in love with him on The Bachelorette, just like all the rest of us, and is eagerly awaiting the end of the season so she can find out if he’s single and start desperately tweeting selfies at him until he blocks her.
The Wanna-Be Fuckboy Ken
Barbie met this fuckboy when she was looking for something casual and he gave every indication that he was going to deliver. Before they even hooked up he told her he wanted “something casual” and she agreed because that was legit what she wanted. To her horror, Barbie woke up the day after their “casual” hookup to find him standing over her bed with a three course breakfast and a look that said, “I want to wear your skin, my beautiful, beautiful bride.” Barbie will spend the next three years ghosting this guy, always thinking that she’s done with him until one morning out of the blue she gets a random text that says “wat went wrong?” and she’ll know he’s back again. They’ll meet again 10 years in the future when he shows up out of nowhere to object at her wedding.
Shared Fuckboy Ken
Barbie and all of her friends have at least had some kind of romantic encounter with this Ken. It’s kind of a joke, actually. Every pregame Barbie’s friend group will gather together and see who got a DM from him this weekend. Barbie and co. usually go along with it because he’s actually pretty fun to hang out with and it’s not that serious. Eventually Midge will catch feelings and ruin the whole thing for everyone. Fucking Midge.
Sexy Barista Fuckboy Ken
This Ken just started working at Barbie’s fave coffee shop and she is living for it. Barbie has told all of her friends about him and has memorized his work schedule so that she can stop by and stare at him. After months of reading wayyyy too much into his latte art, Barbie will spot him at a club but will be too fucked up at that point to talk to him. The next day she’ll show up for his usual shift at the coffee shop only to find out that he moved to Portland. She’ll spend the rest of her life being 99% sure that he was The One.
King Fuckboy Ken
After you defeat all the fuckboys, you must face the final King Fuckboy Ken. Barbie literally can’t even remember how she met this fuckboy. It was like one day she woke up and suddenly there he was, in her bed, dropping hints that she should go on the pill. Barbie allows this behavior to continue because he smells good and is p. decent in bed, but she never gets attached. One day he’ll just straight-up disappear and she’ll be totally fine with that. She’ll think of him fondly every time she goes to her annual gynecologist appointment and miraculously is declared clean of all STDs.
So I want to start out by saying that every American Girl Doll is at least a little bit betchy because they are expensive as fuck and don’t do anything. They come with tons of accessories, which are also extremely expensive and if you want to take your narcissism to a whole other level, you can shell out even more money and get one that looks exactly like you. Then you can buy matching outfits for it and sleep with it in the same room as you and talk to it and love it and tell it your secrets until the doll gets more and more powerful and suddenly you’re the doll and she’s the human. Or something like that. IDK because my mom would never buy me a lookalike doll and now she and I don’t speak.
Anyway, here’s the definitive ranking of the AG’s betchiness. Feel free to tear me apart in the comments. If you disagree, remember: this is a satirical article about a line of historical children’s toys. Fucking chill.
1. Samantha Parkington (Turn of the Century Betch)
Sam is undoubtedly the betchiest of all the American girl dolls for a variety of reasons. Number one being that when Sam was a baby her rich as fuck parents died and now she lives with her betchy grandma, who she calls “Grandmary” which is hands down the whitest shit I’ve heard in my life. Sam also rocks a black-and-white checkered dress and matching black-and-white velvet bow, which is very chic for a 9-year-old girl. Samantha also has a servant/friend named Nellie who you can buy as an accessory to Samantha if you want your doll to have a servant (or friend, I guess). It takes a while for Sam to realize that Nellie is poor and that’s why she’s so annoying. Sam eventually pulls a Cher Horowitz and gets all charitable and gives Nellie a doll from her collection and Nellie promptly shuts the fuck up. And finally, betchiest of all, Samantha comes with an all black outfit…
…and an outfit specifically for catching butterflies…
…and this was her bedroom…case closed.
2. Josefina Montoya (Mexican-American Betch)
Josefina is fly as fuck. Just look at her. Her look is on point. She’s tan, has great hair, and knows how to accessorize. Also she’s from out west so you know she’s chill as hell and probably smokes. According to the American Girl wiki (my number one source for this article), one of Josefina’s major dislikes is “goats,” which isn’t something we’ve talked about on this site but is probably true for all betches. Josefina lives with her dad and three sisters, so she’s well versed in the art of asking your dad for everything and borrowing clothes without asking. Also, Josefina’s hoop earrings are non-removable which is a pretty good way to say “hoop earrings are my thing and you can’t wear them, Gretchen.”
3. Kit Kittredge (Depression Era Betch)
Kit Kittredge hands down has the betchiest name of all the American Girl Dolls. Kit’s real name is “Margaret Mildred Kittredge” but since that name sucks ass, our girl Kit opted for the Kardashian double K and was better off for it. Kit is mainly number three on the list because she’s so fucking cute. Look at her bob and that little barrette. It’s the damn depression and she still looks fucking good. Very betchy. Good for you, Kit.
4. Addy Walker (Reconstruction Era Betch)
So there’s no denying that Addy Walker is the baddest betch of the bunch considering she straight-up escaped slavery and she’s nine fucking years old. Despite having to teach herself to read and shit, Addy scores a job at Mrs. Ford’s dress shop, aka a clutch fashion internship. Addy also has a straight-up rivalry with some THOT named Harriet Davis, which is very betchy. However, Addy hates Harriet because Harriet is richer than her, and for that reason Addy is fourth and needs to chill. It’s not Harriet’s fault she’s rich.
5. Kirsten Larson (Pioneer Betch)
Kirsten Larson probably has the betchiest hairstyle of all the OG betches given that she usually sports a complicated series of braid crowns. She’s also foreign, which is mysterious and very betchy. That being said, Kirsten looks wack as fuck in her Christmas ensemble and has a dopey fucking look on her face. She also works very hard, which is not cute. In the end, Kristen is a little midwestern nice girl who like, enjoys farmwork.
6. Caroline Abbott (War of 1812 Betch)
Caroline Abbott looks the part of a betch despite being born in a log cabin, which is pretty impressive. Caroline isn’t an OG American girl, so I had to look up her story and apparently she’s also an only child and gets super jealous when her shit-eating cousin Lydia comes to stay. Caroline starts to get FOMO hard and thinks that Lydia and everyone else are hanging out without her, which is a pretty clear sign that Caroline has some insecurity issues considering her house has one fucking room in it. Jealousy isn’t cute, Caroline. Enjoy sixth place.
7. Kaya’aton’my (Native American Betch)
Kaya’s main plot point is that everyone gives her the nickname “Magpie” and she hates it. Betches don’t get nicknames, they give them. Have fun in seventh place, Magpie.
8. Felicity Merrimen (Revolutionary War Betch)
The betchiest thing about Felicity is that she owns a horse. At one point in her book series, Felicity gets into some shit with an old-ass drunk man named Jiggy Nye (which, incidentally, is my rap name) and teaches him to stop drinking, which was probably good for him but also very lame. Felicity is not higher on the list because she’s super into being a “tomboy” and would probably say shit like “I just get along with guys better than girls” and we’d all hate her.
9. Rebecca Rubin (Pre-WWI Betch)
Here’s what I’ve gathered about Rebecca: She is an aspiring child actress/theater nerd/Anne Hathaway from 1914 and honestly I’ve never fucking heard of her. Rebecca wears a fairly betchy outfit, but also like I said, I’ve never fucking heard of her and she reminds me of Anne Hathaway so bye bye Becky you’re number nine.
10. Molly McIntyre
Good god get this bitch outta here. Molly is a narc. Don’t believe me? Look at her. That is what a fucking narc looks like. Still not convinced? What the shit is this? You’re an OG American Girl, have some fucking respect for yourself.
11. Julie Albright (Hippie Betch)
Okay so first of all any American Girl doll that is like, the same age as my mom does not fucking count. You were born in 1966. You are literally still alive. Secondly, your outfit game is weak. You’re supposed to be a flower child and you would be laughed out of Coachella:
12. Maryellen Larkin (Cold War Betch)
Same shit goes for you, Maryellen. You’re the same age as my aunt and you look like a dud. You are like what Reese Witherspoon was working to stop in the movie Pleasantville. Take that shit elsewhere.
13. Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace Gardner (Antebellum Betches)
Damn ladies, too boring for your own story? I guess so, because there are two of you and you’re in last fucking place. I guess the point of these two was to show that a white girl and a black girl living in NOLA can chill together if they want, which is a cool message. Too bad that is overshadowed by the fact that Marie-Grace’s face is straight-up busted.
Seriously, I did not know that an American girl could be so damn fugly. What is going on here? Cécile, honey, this bitch is bringing you down. On your own you could have been maybe number five! You’re cute! But your friend is a total Monet, so enjoy sharing the last slot.
Images: Dimitra Merziemekidou / Shutterstock.com; American Girl