Well, this is awkward. The designer pooch (that you pretend is a rescue) is totally f*cking up your vibe. You bought little Buddy last March, and now it’s almost July and is back, baby! Suddenly, having to leave brunch early to put kibble in a bowl is just not the move, you know what I mean? Who could have predicted this, aside from your mom who rattled off a list of all the hobbies and projects you abandoned as a child, experts who warned against people returning pandemic pups, your roommate who refused from the get-go to feed your teacup Yorkie Pomsky mix,and the lady at the pet store who asked, “are you sure”? Nobody told you that a dog is much more than an accessory to quell your boredom and help you rake in Instagram likes. Okay, so maybe your mom did say exactly those words to you before you signed the papers, but what does she know? She called flip-flops “thongs” for the better part of your childhood, after all.
No denying it—this sucks. But just like any undesirable life event, you can use this to your advantage to increase engagement and build your brand. Here’s how.
Change Your Aesthetic
Any good influencer marketer will tell you that maintaining your brand is of the utmost importance. So before you do anything drastic with the dog, like archive the pictures you posted on IG (they’re getting such good engagement), ask yourself: what exactly is your brand, and why doesn’t little Miss Fluffikins fit into it? From there, you can make tweaks as necessary. It’s crucial to know your audience and be specific. Like, maybe your brand is
alcoholism going on all-day drinking benders, and having to dip out early so your dog doesn’t starve is messing with your party-all-day-and-night aesthetic. If it’s starting to feel like a buzzkill, no worries! Do you know how many bars are dog friendly these days? Literally all of them, depending on your level of ethics.
On the other hand, is your brand DIY home improvement projects and generally being a hermit, but you got an Australian shepherd? (Those eyes are just so cute, I get it.) It’s time for a rebrand—you’re really into running now. Sorry!
Is your brand unapproachable bitches with a penchant for destroying household objects? You really should have gotten a cat.
Overshare, Overshare, Overshare
It’s not 2016 anymore, and Instagram doesn’t need to just be a highlight reel. If you don’t know that vulnerability does wonders for engagement, you’re probably still using the filters that come in the Instagram app. (Valencia? What are you, 12?) Everyone knows dogs are cute and cuddly, but do they also know that dogs love to destroy personal belongings, especially shoes, if left unattended? Okay, so that’s also a common generalization—particularly the shoe thing. But, whatever, use it! Of course posting pics of your dog as a puppy is cute, but posting pics of him making puppy dog eyes in front of your chewed-up Golden Gooses is just as cute, in a “oh, you little rascal—do you people see what I’m dealing with? I’m such a saint for putting up with it” kind of way. (Nobody has to know whether or not your dog actually has a penchant for chewing up shoes, or if those tears were actually made by a pair of scissors. Let’s be honest, those shoes are hideous anyway.)
The caption here is even more important than the photo, so it’s time to flex your
exaggeration writing skills. Make sure you write a meandering personal essay detailing the trials and tribulations of being a dog owner. Of course, when he looks up at you with those big, brown/blue/two different colored eyes and you know this tiny furry creature depends on you to live, that’s how you know it’s all worth it. (Feel free to steal that line; I’m not using it.) Other vulnerable posts that are sure to rack up the likes: no-makeup (minus mascara, BB cream, highlighter, and a swipe of lipgloss) selfie with imaginary under-eye circles because “this one won’t stop barking all night!”; a puddle of yellow liquid on your plush white rug (said liquid may or may not be the bottle of sauvignon blanc you knocked over); lacing up your sneakers at 6am for your early morning walk (you went back to bed after you took the picture).
So you’ve milked your
mild inconvenience new best friend for all it’s worth, and your dog is still, like, an animal that requires care and not a barely sentient stuffed animal, as you anticipated when you adopted bought him. Bummer! Once you’ve used up all your sympathy cards, the only course of action left is to build up a sense of mystique. This means it’s time for Little Miss Princess Pupper to go on a vacation—literal or figurative, that part is up to you, and only you will know. This part is important! You can never discuss where the dog is going, or even acknowledge it went anywhere, leaving your followers to wonder, “wait a second, what happened to that dog she was constantly posting about?” Having all those people coming back to your profile, day after day, to see if you’ll acknowledge the case of the missing canine will be great for your engagement! So would the “what happened to the dog?? What r u hiding???” comments, if you could keep them up without ruining your brand. On the upside, deleting comments will only fuel more comments asking why you’re deleting comments.
Now, you might be asking, “but if I didn’t send the dog on a literal vacation, how is this helping me at all?” It’s simple: if someone or something isn’t being shared on social media, it doesn’t exist.
If there’s anything influencers have taught us in 2020, it’s that anything can be returnable—even children. If this creature with feelings and emotions just isn’t working for you, get rid of it, girl! Time to stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm—and yes, having to cancel a dinner reservation in the Hamptons that you’ve had for months to keep another living thing alive is basically setting yourself on literal, actual fire. It’s time to start prioritizing yourself, and only yourself. Self-care.
Images: Alexandra Tran / Unsplash
Bella Thorne has made plenty of questionable decisions in her life, but I can’t help loving her. Her particular brand of thirst is less refined than, say, an Ariel Winter or Ruby Rose, which makes her feel like a relatable mess. Sure, sometimes she goes a little too long without washing her hair, but no one is perfect, and shampoo is expensive. Either way, she’s still the star of a show on Freeform and I, my friends, am not. Like I said, Bella is my girl, but something has come to my attention that requires intense judgment: Bella Thorne’s dog is named Tampon.
Tampon. You read that correctly. Motherfucking Tampon.
We need to talk. Bella, honey, why? Now, to get it out of the way, there’s nothing wrong with the *idea* of tampons. The female reproductive system is a glorious miracle of nature, and no one over the age of 15 should give a shit about talking about periods. We’re all adults, it’s not that big of a deal. The miracle of life blah blah blah. That being said, why in the fuck would name your dog after a feminine hygiene product? It doesn’t even sound cute to say! Bella, I need ANSWERS.
Back when she got the dog in December, she took to Twitter to ask her fans what to name him. The two choices were Tampon and Cunty, which is obviously more inappropriate but arguably a better name? Idk, they both suck. Cunty actually won the Twitter poll, but obviously Bella Thorne doesn’t care about her fans, or she realized yelling “Cunty” in public repeatedly will get you some weird looks. And yet, I doubt Bella Thorne cares about the types of looks she receives in public. Anyway, let’s look at some photos of Tampon.
There’s Bella Thorne, hanging out at the pool with some kind of rattlesnake tattoo that I really hope is fake, and her adorable dog, Tampon. It’s such a sweet photo, and it almost makes you forget that this poor dog is going to suffer through its entire life being named Tampon. Ugh, this is making me so mad. That is like, the cutest dog I’ve seen in hours, and I want to follow it on Instagram, but I just can’t do that to myself. I thought Stormi was a bad name, but Kylie’s weather misspellings have nothing on Bella Thorne’s dog name.
In response to some commenters who were similarly horrified by the choice of name, Bella fought back with a truly puzzling reply:
naming her tampon? When did a tampon ever become a bad thing? When did someone buy a tampon and it didn’t come in handy?
Okay Bella, you’re like one step away from the Gretchen Weiners’ deranged Caesar monologue. First of all, tampon isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a fucking terrible name that is not at all pleasing to the ears. And yeah, great, tampons come in handy, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind when I name my next dog Phone Charger or Extra-Strength Advil. If you’re going to pick a name like Tampon, don’t even try to defend it. Just fucking go for it and fuck what the haters say.
This photo, from Tampon Thorne’s personal Instagram, is a LOT. Bella Thorne and her man Mod Sun are walking Tampon in the snow, and tbh Bella’s outfit might be more questionable than the choice of dog name. Bella’s shirt (most likely) says “Bitch I’m Bella Thorne” in a nod to her song/music video that have still yet to be released. The shirt is whatever, everyone needs a catchphrase. But she’s also wearing fishnets, some heels that look like look like reject Kinky Boots props, and a fur/leather coat that looks like what would happen if Hot Topic came out with a costume line. It is truly a look. Tampon probably doesn’t love his name, but he might be even more scared of his mommy’s outfit.
So there you have it: Bella Thorne has the world’s cutest dog, but it doesn’t even matter because Tampon is such a horrible name. It is truly a crime against humanity. Or I guess animal kind? Whatever. If you’re getting a new pet anytime soon and need name ideas, just steer clear of Tampon, or Maxi Pad, or any other inanimate object, especially one that has to do with your period. That’s obviously super limiting, but I’m sure you’ll think of something. As for Bella Thorne, it’s never too late to change a puppy’s name, is it?
Images: Shutterstock; @bellathorne / Instagram; @tampithetampon / Instagram (2)
When we say we genuinely envy the lives of Instagram’s betchiest dogs, we’re not even joking. They have intimidating squads, regularly get blowouts, summer in the Hamptons, wear cool outfits and generally weigh under ten pounds. It’s extremely unfair TBH, and I don’t care if they set unrealistic standards for women, I still aspire to be one someday. As we’ve discussed on this site many times, a betch’s pet is called a petch, and Instagram is full of petches. These tiny furry creatures have the uncanny ability to make you go “awww!” and “omg!” even when you spend most of the day wearing black and being dead inside. While you may spend all day hating on people, most of us are physically incapable of hating dogs, especially impeccably groomed dogs being photographed in good lighting. Following these majestic creatures will increase your happiness level while scrolling through Instagram, instead of just side-eyeing all the THOTs you’re still not sure why you follow. In all their glory, here are our favorite petches of Instagram:
Samson The Dood
Samson is a Goldendoodle and the unofficial leader of the Dogs of NYC (those other puppies are just his little workers.) Despite living in Brooklyn, practically every important canine event in Manhattan revolves around his schedule, which includes everything from pool parties to socializing at local bars. Whether he’s out on the town or relaxing in his iconic robe, you’ll want to keep an eye on him. Wherever Samson goes, other trendy dogs will follow.
Marnie the Dog
Speaking of Samson, he’s been known to lunch with Marnie the Dog, who has a casual 2.1 million Instagram followers. Marnie is slightly older at age 15, but that doesn’t stop her from upholding her status as one of the top dogs on the Internet. According to her bio, “I walking & parties. H8 being alone. I’m a lady!” Does it get any betchier? I don’t think so.
Ella Bean is a fellow NYC dog who, in typical fashion, recently decided to spend a summer in Paris. Like every study abroad girl, Ella has been posting photos non-stop of her eating French pastries and posing outside of the Louvre. She’s truly living her best life, and how could she not be in those fabulous custom aviators?
Norbert is a West Coast petch who will easily put your sorority’s philanthropy events and entire social media presence to shame. As a therapy dog who donates most of his time to volunteering at Children’s Hospital LA, he knows the importance of giving back to the community. He also knows how to rack up the likes, because if you didn’t post about it did you even volunteer?
Pooch of NYC
Meet Agador, AKA Pooch of NYC, who has the best hair out of anyone ever I’ve seen, human or animal. Everything about his aesthetic is extremely on brand, from his bed,to his blowouts and the glass of wine that’s never too far out of reach. If only he would respond to my DM’s, *sigh*, I really think we could be great friends.
Perry the Pom
Perry calls himself a dog model, and for good reason. He’s got a natural chemistry with the camera and tends to be more minimalist than some of the other dogs on this list (while still being extremely extra compared to any other normal animal). There are a lot of Pom’s out there trying to make it big, but Perry’s just got that “it” factor that makes him stand out from the rest.
Morkies of NYC
The only thing better than one betchy dog is a pair of betchy dog siblings. The Morkies of NYC, Cleo and Jack, are a power duo currently taking the city by storm with their adventurous spirit and matching OOTD’s. Catch their photos in the city or by the beach, just make sure you catch them somewhere. We heard the Olsen twins are extremely jealous.
No one has perfected the “I literally can’t even,” face quite like Sprout. Another seasoned New Yorker, Sprout takes bullshit from no one and has a jam-packed schedule filled with Equinox sessions, walks through Central Park and photo shoots in his living room. It’s not easy but someone’s gotta do it.
Doug the Pug
Doug the Pug is arguably one of the most important voices of our generation, and I find him more relatable than most people I know. Powered by iced coffee and social media attention, Doug brings a fresh look to some of the most basic of Instagram concepts to make them completely new again. Check out his 4th of July pics and thank us later.
Saving our personal favorite for last, we present to you Bruce Springsteen, the official petch of Betches. Whether he’s keeping us company at the office or hanging by the pool, he’s constantly serving up RBF and absolutely never TTH. His only request: stop trying to make fetch happen. Duh.