When it comes to vibrators, I have somewhat limited experience. Specifically, I took one trip to Babeland my junior year of high school to pick out a vibrator I’d seen on an episode of Sex and the City. (A newer model, obviously. Vibrator shopping is not the time to go vintage.) And courtesy of a shitty high school boyfriend, I was almost immediately discouraged from ever using said vibrator. Apparently, bringing in outside help (even on my own), was “insulting.” Whenever I attempted to broach the topic again, my boyfriend literally gave me the silent treatment (real catch, I know).

So before we dive in, let me say that you should dump any partner who tries this bullshit on you. Swiftly. I’m not saying that they’re not allowed to have any opinions or input. But if someone ascribes to the idea that they “own” your orgasms—to the extent that they feel threatened by a couple of triple-A batteries—then they’re not worthy of your time. *Waits for 2/3 of readers to dump their shitty BFs via text* Anyway, let’s discuss how to incorporate vibrators into your sex life.

Figure Out What You Like

Even if you’ve found a vibrator/method you like (and especially if you haven’t), I strongly encourage you to keep experimenting. As with all other sex acts, you really want to avoid falling into a rut with your vibrator. And if you’re using it with a partner for the first time, you’ll definitely need to coach them on how you want the vibrator used. So you can either do that background research on your own, or you can make finding out part of the fun.

A few ways you can do this: try different speeds, areas, and levels of pressure on or near your clit. Try putting it inside yourself. Try it on different parts of your body (Refinery29 suggests trying it on your nipples, or as a back massager.) Use it with lube. Try holding it yourself, and try having your partner hold it.  Also, try it both over and under clothes. I actually thought I hated vibrators for a while because I was basically just bludgeoning my nerve endings with it. If you’re easily over-stimulated, leave your underwear on next time you use a vibrator. It could be a total game changer.

Add It To Foreplay

Ah, foreplay. While far too often relegated to three minutes of making out plus some vague nipple pinching, foreplay really shouldn’t end until you’re 100% ready for the next phase. “Ready” in this case largely refers to being wet, but not exclusively. IDK about you, but I like a good amount of time to get in the right mindset. Otherwise we’re suddenly boning and I realize I’m still thinking about the Dewan-Tatum situation. IMO, using a vibrator can totally change the foreplay experience, and you have lots of options. If teasing is a turn-on for you or your partner, you can use the vibrator on yourself and set a rule. Your partner isn’t allowed to touch you until you say. Or, if you like your partner to dominate you, they can use it on your clit/start fingering you until you’re audibly and visibly ready to move on. Bonus: both these moves are made even hotter if the person not holding the vibrator is tied up.

Add It To Sex

Personally, I think doggy style is one of the best positions for you to use a vibrator. First of all, your partner should be paying attention to your clit anyway. Second, doggy feels deeper and tighter than most positions. So, combining the sensation with a vibrator is basically a sensory overload in the best way possible. Best case: you’re getting G-Spot and clit stimulation at the same time. Worst case: it’s overly intense, so you make some adjustments. (E.g. lower vibrator setting, less direct clit contact, trying a new angle).

If you want to keep the intensity of doggy but prefer to hold the vibrator yourself, you can modify doggy slightly by lying in a fetal-ish position on your side. Your partner kneels behind you, and you lift your top leg if you want them to go even deeper. If you want both partners to hold the vibrator (which can be really hot), you should try it while spooning. Controlling the vibrator together is even hotter when you have that full-body contact. That being said, you can use a vibrator in pretty much any position. (Maybe not ultra-close missionary.) You be the judge of your partner’s dexterity and ability to multi-task and plan accordingly.

If you’ve tried a million vibrators and it’s just not for you, that’s totally fine. But if you’ve held off so far because you’ve been scared into thinking you’re “replacing a man” or you think that all vibrators are basically hot-pink cement mixers, I beg you to get back in the game. The vibrator industry exists to help you get off. Treat finding your signature vibrator with the same energy you gave finding a signature scent, and get to work.

Images: Giphy (4)

I’ll be honest—until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know that oral sex even had positions. I could sum up all the positions I knew for getting head like this: lying down. And while I’ve literally listed “lying down” as a hobby on my resume Instagram, I feel dumb AF for not switching it up sooner. After all, regular sex feels vastly different depending on position. Smart betch that you are, I’m sure you’ll understand why the same thing is true for oral sex. Learn from my mistakes and try the following oral sex positions ASAP.

Live On The Edge

I’m going with abstract headers here, because I refuse to invent more ridiculous titles for sex positions. Find a (sturdy) counter high enough that your feet don’t touch the ground, and sit right on the edge. Your partner should get on their knees in front of you. Leg positioning is up to you, but spreading your legs (or your partner holding them back) or keeping your knees wide but resting your lower legs on his back (for added control) both feel amazing. If lying flat on your back makes you feel a little overly exposed—or if it just doesn’t give him access to what gets you off—this is a good move. You’ll have complete control of pace, angle, and pretty much everything else.

*Insert Joke About The Letter V*

Okay, so Cosmo actually calls this “The Deep V,” but for obvious reasons, I didn’t want to lead with that. It’s actually some pretty great advice for a really simple variation on oral sex. You lift your legs in a—you guessed it!—V shape (hold ankles or knees, whatever flexibility allows). He—yup, guessed it again—goes down on you. BUT he also uses his hands to “lightly massage your inner thighs.” According to Cosmo, this brings more blood to your “~*~VuLvA~*~” (aka makes the whole area feel even more sensitive and stimulated). Do I recommend using the words “blood” or “vulva” in a casual hookup situation? Yes, because I love seeing fear in men’s eyes maybe not. But feel free to just direct his hands to your thighs and gently demonstrate how you’d like to be touched. If he’s not completely clueless, he’ll follow your lead.

Fake Doggy

Get on all fours, but the one where you’re on your forearms and it’s a face down/ass up situation *Ludacris’s “What’s Your Fantasy” plays on a loop in my head for the remainder of the day*. (You can stay on your hands and knees if you want, but it’s more of a human centipede angle. Do not recommend.) If you’ve never had someone eat you out from behind before, prepare to be hit with a whole new world of oral sex possibilities. (Not even talking about ass stuff yet, chill out). The point is, you’ll probably find out a lot of new information about what gets you off and where you like to be touched the first time you try this, because it’s a totally different experience and you have the (literal) upper hand, so you can guide him wherever you like.

Sit On His Face

No real need to be clever or overly detailed here, you all know what this is. Sadly, it’s been so meme-ified that you all probably know it more in the context of a compliment a gross man would give a woman than as an actual sexual act. And I’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite. But it does incorporate one element I love in particular: power and control. You’ll notice a lot of these other positions offer the same bonus. But clearly, men aren’t always getting the orgasm job done on their own. If you want something done right, put a woman in charge. When you sit on someone’s face, you’ve achieved the ultimate level of power. You get off on exactly the pressure and pace you want, and you also get off on the sheer feeling of running the show.

One word of advice for this particular position: don’t rest the full weight of your lower body on his face for any amount of time. It’s rude, it’s slightly dangerous, and it probably will not feel that great for you either. Treat it like a light thigh workout and remember that this is about feeling powerful—not planting your weight directly over someone’s air supply.

What not to do:

While these positions are a great way to get started, the real takeaway is simple. You have to treat oral sex like all other kinds of sex. And that means the first thing you try almost definitely isn’t going to be what works best for you. So keep experimenting until you know exactly what gets you off best. There’s a reason that blow job articles are all about making it better for you, not for him. His orgasm is basically guaranteed—so make sure yours is too.

Images: Giphy (4); Unsplash

The title really says it all. Don’t deny that literally every time you’ve given in and gotten weird with your significant other, you’ve wondered if it counts as exercise for the day and if you can skip the gym tomorrow. I’ve looked at my Fitbit during. I’m not even (completely) ashamed to admit that.

Because it’s the holidays and we’re all imbibing more wine, eggnog, and cookies than usual (some of us, not all), having a quick freak session may actually help keep the holiday weight at bay. We’ve done some investigatory journalism (on my phone because I write these on my work computer and I didn’t feel like explaining those Google searches to my boss), and here are the top sex moves for burning calories.

1. Giving And Receiving Oral

According to Spoon University, if you’re hooking up INCLUDING giving and/or receiving oral for about 30 minutes, you’ll burn about 60 calories. I can’t really imagine unhinging my jaw for that long, but if you can do it, bless.

2. Missionary

The go-to boring position (but like, great for when you feel fat) burns about 60 calories if you’re at it lightly (like, not breaking a sweat) for about 30 minutes. If you up the ante and things are getting like, hot and heavy, you can burn about 100 calories. How the bottom can burn that many calories while lying down and looking hot is beyond me, but the internet said it was true.

3. Doggy Style

Am I the only one that hates the name of this position? Can we change it to something cute like downward lady or crouching kitty? Idfk. Anyway, this position, since it requires a lot of movement on both parts, can burn about 110 calories for a 40-minute session. That seems a little long to be crouched (my knees hurt just thinking about it), but whatever.

4. Reverse Cowgirl

You’ll burn a solid 110 calories or so if you do this for 35 minutes. Again, that’s subject to how hard you’re going at it, if you’re trying to do ab crunches during, etc. This one is always nice since only your back needs to look good, and you don’t have to worry about making awkward o-faces.

5. Changing It Up

Ok, so, if you have sex for 80 minutes—which like, I don’t have time for (I have things to do)—and change positions often, you can burn like 280 calories. That’s equal to about two glasses of red wine.

The moral of the story? Aim for a 40-minute session and change up positions often. Sticking with one is boring and also won’t burn as many calories as constantly moving around. If you really want to narrow that shit down, use this sex calculator. Technology is amazing, guys.

When my boyfriend found out I was writing this article, he displayed an emotional range that I usually reserve for getting my hair cut or finding out a TV show I watch is cancelled—you know, the really traumatic stuff. After vowing for 5 days that he would never lay eyes on it, he wound up glued to my latest draft while I repeatedly tackled him trying to reclaim my laptop. Because I have the core strength of an elderly Corgi, this was minimally effective and I had to hear a whole wounded speech of the “not all men” persuasion. So, for his benefit I’ve included the following disclaimer.

Disclaimer: This is exclusively for the purpose of not intended to make any guys out there self-conscious: you do me you. We’ve all just read enough articles about what guys think of our outfits, makeup choices, and morning-after behavior—it’s only fair that we offer up our thoughts about your dick’s behavior in return.

Doggy Style

This is heavily dependent on how the sex itself plays out. If he’s jackhammering for two minutes and then it’s over, this is just a guy who hasn’t had sex in too long, or who’s never had sex with the same girl more than twice, and exclusively knows how to effectively get himself off. Next. If it’s good though, and he’s not grabbing your hips and grunting like Khal Drogo (RIP), I’m willing to reserve judgment. Doggy style is awesome, and you can do a lot with it (bonus points for being creative with his hands).

My boyfriend’s insightful addition here: I think that guys like doggy style because it feels really good. (Thanks hon!)

Girl On Top

You’re obviously fucking hot, so you can’t really blame him for wanting to lay back and enjoy the view here. But unless you’re climbing on top and initiating this, this guy is straight-up lazy. Also, assuming this is your first hookup, who wants to invite that much eye contact??? Boys with mommy issues who will expect you to take care of all their cooking/cleaning/existential woes, that’s who. He thinks he’s sexily staring into your soul, but really you’re just thinking about how much your quads hurt and how much longer he’s going to lie there until he flips you over into a position he can actually finish in. This position is a privilege, and he should work his way up to earning it.

Missionary

Ah, the vanilla ice cream of sexual positions. I like to play a fun game when someone uses the phrase “best sex of my life” to describe missionary, and the game is that I leave immediately while deleting their number from my phone (preferably leaving them with the check for my meal in the process). I’m definitely saying not saying that liking missionary makes you a bad person, but it does make me think you’ve never heard of any other positions and/or seen a movie that isn’t PG-13. A first hookup is about bringing your A-Game. If this is his A-Game, he’ll probably cry in front of you within three weeks and wear the same T-shirt until you burn it in front of him. 

Standing Up

Couple of thoughts here. First of all, if you’re having sex standing up you’re almost certainly in a public place, which means you’re wasted he operates quickly and is good at improvising. Also, he’s probably missing certain key shame genes, which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how weird you like to get in bed, and whether or not you were hoping to see this guy in daylight/introduce him to friends. If you’re in the comfort of someone’s home and his first move is to throw you up against a wall, you should either lock this down immediately or run for your life. He’s clearly experienced, knows how to take charge, and has excellent core strength. All of which is fantastic but also describes Patrick Bateman, so you see my point.

I get it. When you’re a wrinkly and crusty old lady, you want to be able to set the grandbabies down for tea and regale them with tales of your golden era as a sexually adventurous, totally bangable piece. Dropping sugar cubes and knowledge as an old lady like you once dropped that ass. I know. Dream. But let’s be real, some sex trends, like any trend, are just embarrassing and you should probably never admit you tried them—just like how you should burn all your pictures from the time you shaved half your head and thought exposing the strip of torso above your belly button was cute. So hold on to your lube-coated ankles, because I’m here to de-mystify some of culture’s most overrated sex positions—the ones that everyone pretends to love when in reality they’re boring/uncomfortable/outright weird. You’re welcome.

1. The Sixty-Nine (69)

Fine, laugh at the number.  I’ll wait.

Now that that’s done, let’s break down the practicalities that make this oft-referenced position an actual nightmare. First, there’s the matter of angles. If you’re doing it right, your partner isn’t going to be flaccid, meaning he’ll be jamming it down (or up—I leave that up to you) your throat in a way that’s going to force your jaw into a dangerously uncomfortable position. The only way to avoid hyperextending your lower mandible is to be twisting yourself around some dude who’s significantly shorter than you, and… I mean… ew. So, assuming your hookup is a respectable height, there’s the chance you’ll end up at the doctor with lockjaw. And then there’s the fact that it’s kind of impossible to enjoy oral when you’re focused on also giving good oral at the same time. You can’t even give directions because you literally have a mouth full of dick. 

Secondly, there’s the matter of buttholes—namely, the butthole of each participant. Butts in your face. Butts near your mouth. I don’t care how often you frequent the anal bleaching center—it’s not going to be a pretty sight. Just say no to this position. Nobody wins and everybody loses.

2. The Pile-Driver

All right, ladies, I know you’ve been dedicated to that New Year’s Resolution to find your zen and master your gym’s intermediate yoga classes (if only you kept that resolution not to hook up with randos in music festival port-a-johns anymore as successfully), but the bedroom isn’t necessarily the time to show off.

Who am I kidding? Of course it is. But the pile-driver isn’t going to bring out the peace in you, I promise.

Sure, you might feel sexy sinking into plow in your Lululemon yoga pants, but naked is a whole other thing altogether. Literally no one can curl up like that without having a flabby pack of rolls present themselves like a pan of fresh-baked King’s Hawaiians at Easter dinner. And you, with your craned neck and unavoidable double-chin, get a front row seat to the roll-a-rama. Then enter some dude stage center, to literally sit on your butt, as if gravity and your own body weight weren’t enough on an inconvenience to your attempted sexiness. Then you have to just remain there, immobilized, with the weight of a grown-ass adult pressing down on your neck, while he tries to find a way to get his erect dick to aim the exact opposite direction from its natural inclination in order to penetrate you. 

No one’s in total control of their body in this situation. So you’re both forcing your bodies to do things they don’t want to do, pretending like anything’s going to come from it other than eventual debilitating scoliosis. Oh, and you know he’s going to “accidentally” go for the wrong hole. 

3. Doggie Style

“Oooooh, my guy’s so kinky, he likes to hit it from behind, blah blah blah.” WHATEVER. Yeah, I was in tenth grade once too. But it’s time to grow up. Can we all agree that doggie style is the new missionary? There’s nothing exciting about it anymore. Maybe it’s hot if you’re facing a mirror, but more often than not you’re just face-down in a dirty comforter, trying to not suffocate for four and a half minutes with your eyes pounding around in your skull.

And I hate to break it to you ladies, but if he can only come when he’s hitting it doggie style—HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. Worse, he prob doesn’t even find you attractive. Are you his girlfriend? Ariana Grande? Nicolas Cage? From your dude’s point of view, he literally cannot tell. Plus, why am I going to spend an hour contouring and highlighting my face for a dick appointment if he’s just gonna flip me over and rub it all off on the pillow anyway? That’s gonna be a no from me, dog.

4. Titty Fucking

You know where my clit is not? It’s not on my damn sternum, I’ll tell you that much. NEXT.

5. The Stand And Carry

I know it’s tempting, but unless you are both professional athletes, abort the fucking mission. This position requires a lot more core strength and endurance than you’d imagine. Plus, your guy’s biceps needs to be ripped, because despite you doing your sexiest naked koala impression, the onus to keep you from falling to your (very sweaty) death falls on his muscular arms. Have you ever started slipping from a piggy-back ride? Now imagine the same misstep, only from a piggy-front ride and with a hard-on clobbering away at your innards. And you’re naked. There’s just too much space for disaster.

6. Shower Sex

You know when you’re slicker than a baby oil-covered slip and slide? One of the worst things you can do is to wash it all away. If your dude is making you as horny as he damned well better, then your body is going to produce all the moisture you need to do the damn thing. (Sorry, I said moist in a sex article.) (Sorry, I did it again.) If you’re wet and ready to go, climbing in the shower is just going to rinse away all your body’s hard work. Plus, you’re going to have to take a real shower after sex, so this is pointless on many levels.

Even moving past the issue of lubrication, shower sex is overrated because people assume it’s steamy, but they forget that hot water only lasts so long. Do you really want to have hot shower sex for sixteen minutes—twelve if the neighbors flush the toilet—and then suddenly be boning under a glacial waterfall? And you’ll probably be concentrating so hard on not slipping and falling and cracking your skull on the tile and dying of a brain injury that you won’t even enjoy the sex. 

7. Reverse Cowgirl

Only rodeo clowns ride horses backward. Are you a rodeo clown? No? Moving on.

8. Missionary

If you and your new husband Jeremiah have just arrived to some isolated Mozambique village in the 1920s with a charge from God to build a church and teach the children, and you’ve just dismounted from your eighteen hour carriage journey to sweep the rug of your new hut, and you look over to your straw mattress to see Jeremiah giving you that come-hither stare from beneath the brim of his Panama hat, then sure, have missionary sex with that beautiful, boring, god-fearing man right this instant. But if you’re showing up at Chad from Bumble’s loft at 11:45pm with a half-empty bottle of silver tequila and push-up bra with whipped cream stains on the cup, then trust me when I say that missionary is not the position for you.

Not only is it boring as all hell, but you run the risk of Chad wanting to maintain eye contact with you while he mutters about how much he loves you or the ways you resemble his ex or his favorite scone recipes or literally ANYTHING. All the while you just have to watch him watch you. The risk factors are immense.

Obviously, do your thing—if you’re super into doggystyle or something, I give not a single fuck. Just know that there’s a whole world of (actually good) sex positions out there you’re leaving unexplored.