Contrary to some people’s beliefs, I like to think that pet parents are real parents. (Well, my dog is just as messy as a toddler—so that counts, okay!?) As much as I love my little fur baby, he can wreak havoc on my couch—getting an all-white one was a *big* mistake—bed sheets, and literally any corner of my apartment. He sheds like crazy on some days, beats me to his bed before I can clean his paws on others, loves to leave trails of crumbs when he gets his good boy treats, or makes a mess in my car. And, let me tell you, cleaning up after a dog, no matter how big or small, is quite the trip.
I’ve tried so many different products, whether it’s cleaning solutions like sprays, shedding brushes for grabbing excess hair, and of course, regular vacuums and mops. But, thanks to my Instagram feed and TikTok FYP, the Bissell Little Green Multi-Purpose Portable Carpet and Upholstery Cleaner caught my attention. Pet parents on both apps have filmed themselves cleaning even the toughest-looking stains in just a few minutes. It looked like a miracle device and I just knew I had to get my hands on it.
It’s small, but mighty, and has a top handle that allows you to bring it along to clean pretty much everywhere. Unlike most portable vacuums, this one has a spray *and* suction feature, so you apply a cleaning solution to whatever surface you’re targeting and it just scoops/sucks it right up. And its suction is powerful, like lift-carpet-stains-right-off powerful.
But, I have to say I was the most impressed with how well it cleaned the upholstery on my couch. As I mentioned before, my couch is white. My dog’s fur, on the other hand, is dark and super noticeable. There have been days when he hops on there when I’m not looking, rolls around, and has a field day leaving spots and marks across the entire thing. Let’s just say it’s a less-than-ideal situation for a couch of this color that also wasn’t cheap to begin with.
So to say I’m thankful for this Bissell is an understatement. And it’s super easy to use. All you have to do is mix the cleaning solution with some water in the tank that comes attached to the device. Once that’s settled, you click the spray button on the attached brush to disperse the product, turn on the Little Green, and then get to work. You’ll instantly notice results, but it really works the more you pass the brush along the surface. Within minutes stains, spills, and debris are just completely gone.
Each device comes with a travel-sized option of the Bissell Spot & Stain solution, but you can purchase larger-sized bottles for the future on Amazon, too. And if you needed any more convincing, each purchase saves other fur babies through the Bissell Pet Foundation which helps rescue homeless pets. Now, that’s a win-win situation.
Shop It: Bissell Little Green Multi-Purpose Portable Carpet and Upholstery Cleaner, $109.59, Amazon
Shop It: Bissell Pet Pro OXY Spot & Stain Formula, $12.98, Amazon
Well, this is awkward. The designer pooch (that you pretend is a rescue) is totally f*cking up your vibe. You bought little Buddy last March, and now it’s almost July and is back, baby! Suddenly, having to leave brunch early to put kibble in a bowl is just not the move, you know what I mean? Who could have predicted this, aside from your mom who rattled off a list of all the hobbies and projects you abandoned as a child, experts who warned against people returning pandemic pups, your roommate who refused from the get-go to feed your teacup Yorkie Pomsky mix,and the lady at the pet store who asked, “are you sure”? Nobody told you that a dog is much more than an accessory to quell your boredom and help you rake in Instagram likes. Okay, so maybe your mom did say exactly those words to you before you signed the papers, but what does she know? She called flip-flops “thongs” for the better part of your childhood, after all.
No denying it—this sucks. But just like any undesirable life event, you can use this to your advantage to increase engagement and build your brand. Here’s how.
Change Your Aesthetic
Any good influencer marketer will tell you that maintaining your brand is of the utmost importance. So before you do anything drastic with the dog, like archive the pictures you posted on IG (they’re getting such good engagement), ask yourself: what exactly is your brand, and why doesn’t little Miss Fluffikins fit into it? From there, you can make tweaks as necessary. It’s crucial to know your audience and be specific. Like, maybe your brand is alcoholism going on all-day drinking benders, and having to dip out early so your dog doesn’t starve is messing with your party-all-day-and-night aesthetic. If it’s starting to feel like a buzzkill, no worries! Do you know how many bars are dog friendly these days? Literally all of them, depending on your level of ethics.
On the other hand, is your brand DIY home improvement projects and generally being a hermit, but you got an Australian shepherd? (Those eyes are just so cute, I get it.) It’s time for a rebrand—you’re really into running now. Sorry!
Is your brand unapproachable bitches with a penchant for destroying household objects? You really should have gotten a cat.
Overshare, Overshare, Overshare
It’s not 2016 anymore, and Instagram doesn’t need to just be a highlight reel. If you don’t know that vulnerability does wonders for engagement, you’re probably still using the filters that come in the Instagram app. (Valencia? What are you, 12?) Everyone knows dogs are cute and cuddly, but do they also know that dogs love to destroy personal belongings, especially shoes, if left unattended? Okay, so that’s also a common generalization—particularly the shoe thing. But, whatever, use it! Of course posting pics of your dog as a puppy is cute, but posting pics of him making puppy dog eyes in front of your chewed-up Golden Gooses is just as cute, in a “oh, you little rascal—do you people see what I’m dealing with? I’m such a saint for putting up with it” kind of way. (Nobody has to know whether or not your dog actually has a penchant for chewing up shoes, or if those tears were actually made by a pair of scissors. Let’s be honest, those shoes are hideous anyway.)
The caption here is even more important than the photo, so it’s time to flex your exaggeration writing skills. Make sure you write a meandering personal essay detailing the trials and tribulations of being a dog owner. Of course, when he looks up at you with those big, brown/blue/two different colored eyes and you know this tiny furry creature depends on you to live, that’s how you know it’s all worth it. (Feel free to steal that line; I’m not using it.) Other vulnerable posts that are sure to rack up the likes: no-makeup (minus mascara, BB cream, highlighter, and a swipe of lipgloss) selfie with imaginary under-eye circles because “this one won’t stop barking all night!”; a puddle of yellow liquid on your plush white rug (said liquid may or may not be the bottle of sauvignon blanc you knocked over); lacing up your sneakers at 6am for your early morning walk (you went back to bed after you took the picture).
Stop Posting
So you’ve milked your mild inconvenience new best friend for all it’s worth, and your dog is still, like, an animal that requires care and not a barely sentient stuffed animal, as you anticipated when you adopted bought him. Bummer! Once you’ve used up all your sympathy cards, the only course of action left is to build up a sense of mystique. This means it’s time for Little Miss Princess Pupper to go on a vacation—literal or figurative, that part is up to you, and only you will know. This part is important! You can never discuss where the dog is going, or even acknowledge it went anywhere, leaving your followers to wonder, “wait a second, what happened to that dog she was constantly posting about?” Having all those people coming back to your profile, day after day, to see if you’ll acknowledge the case of the missing canine will be great for your engagement! So would the “what happened to the dog?? What r u hiding???” comments, if you could keep them up without ruining your brand. On the upside, deleting comments will only fuel more comments asking why you’re deleting comments.
Now, you might be asking, “but if I didn’t send the dog on a literal vacation, how is this helping me at all?” It’s simple: if someone or something isn’t being shared on social media, it doesn’t exist.
Return It
If there’s anything influencers have taught us in 2020, it’s that anything can be returnable—even children. If this creature with feelings and emotions just isn’t working for you, get rid of it, girl! Time to stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm—and yes, having to cancel a dinner reservation in the Hamptons that you’ve had for months to keep another living thing alive is basically setting yourself on literal, actual fire. It’s time to start prioritizing yourself, and only yourself. Self-care.
Images: Alexandra Tran / Unsplash
