Forget Hot Girl Summer, I’m Having A Villain Origin Story Summer

When Disney first dropped the trailer for Cruella, the live action origin story of everyone’s favorite dog-loathing fashion icon from 101 Dalmatians, I cracked my knuckles and prepared to commit to a life of hating on the film for years to come. However, after sitting through two hours and 14 minutes of Emma Stone faking a British accent through a frowny red lip, I regret to inform you that I’m obsessed with Cruella, CGI dogs and all. Instead of simply admitting that I misjudged a book by its cover, I’m going all in (can I say that? Does Teddi Mellencamp still have that trademark?) and dedicating my precious post-vaccine summer to channeling my inner Cruella De Vil on a daily basis. Truly, I’m just looking to do the most all season long, and few individuals are stronger advocates for maximalism and messiness than Cruella herself. *Insert contrived villainous laugh here* Anyway, here’s what I’ve got planned. 

My Dog Is Coming Literally Everywhere With Me

(In my last move of non-Cruella behavior, I’ll warn you that there are some light spoilers ahead.) Spoiler number one: Cruella doesn’t kill any dogs. Thank god. She’s actually your typical millennial dog mom and regularly forces her two roommates to help take care of her rescue dog, Buddy. (This really isn’t that surprising of a spoiler. If Disney wouldn’t even allow Emma Stone to take a quick little drag of a cig as a tribute to the original De Vil, we shouldn’t have feared they’d go full Bambi on us in 2021) But just because Cruella sometimes relies on her roomies to walk Buddy when she is out on a bender and forgets she has responsibilities doesn’t mean she’s not fully obsessed with him. When she’s coherent enough, she takes Buddy everywhere she goes. What’s perhaps even more inspiring about this is that it’s not even like he’s a little toy breed she can just pop under her arm; Buddy is like, a whole DOG. 

This is basically just a long-winded way to explain that I will be smuggling my quarantine puppy into every happy hour, brunch, and rescheduled engagement party I attend this summer. No rooftop yoga session or stuffy bridal boutique with a gang of reluctant bridesmaids is too inappropriate! After a year of spending every waking moment together, we’ve both developed a mean case of separation anxiety, and I simply will not be leaving him just because I’m paying $15 for a White Claw instead of drinking it from a coffee mug on my couch. 

Outfits Will Be Chosen Based On Personal Vibes, Not Dress Codes

Perhaps the strongest pillar of Cruella’s personality is that she is a fashion bitch, which was made known to the audience in the same exact way it is in any movie in which the main character is trendy: she put a bunch of pins on her school uniform and wore a lot of embellished Converse Chuck Taylors as a child. 

But Cruella isn’t a fashion bitch the way someone like Emily from The Devil Wears Prada is a fashion bitch, and especially not the way your friend who essentially has her employer direct deposit her paycheck to Revolve is a fashion bitch. She’s really more of a Lola Cep from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen in that she’s obsessed with constantly peacocking and reminding everyone that she literally sewed the cocktail dress she’s wearing to an event that required only jeans and a going out top. 

With that being said, I’m actually quite inspired by Cruella’s refusal to adhere to a dress code, and I plan to experiment with both ends of the “I’m not wearing that” spectrum this summer. Maybe when someone in the group chat drops that dreaded “Are we looking…cute?” text, I’ll throw ‘em a curveball and reply “lol kinda,” but then show up in the neon green, blunt bob wig that’s been collecting dust in my closet since I was overly optimistic about what my plans for Halloween 2020 could have been. On the other hand, if you tell me you’re dressing casual, I’ll reach for the ridiculous asymmetrical dress I was influenced to declare bankruptcy and buy from Shopbop at yet another retail therapy low point of the last year. 

Once Photos Have Been Taken, It’s Cool To Leave

In the height of her mission to overshadow Baroness Von Hellman during every red carpet appearance, Cruella put me on to a new way to attend events that I’m very into. Basically, she just shows up, makes the most ridiculous, Insta-worthy impression possible, and then dips out very dramatically. For instance, at one point Cruella legit peels out while hanging off of the back of a garbage truck. It’s the complete opposite of the Irish Exit, a beloved pre-pandemic favorite. Instead of quietly slinking away from the group at 1am to order a pizza, lest anyone think I cannot hang, I will be turning the act of ditching into a full-on art form, rappelling myself out the door via the ceiling like some high-fashion Spider-Man.

Bad Behavior Will Be Blamed On My Alter Ego

cruella

Cruella being born as Estella and then rebranding as Cruella whenever she did something heinous is exactly the kind of energy we all need to be channeling this summer. Except in lieu of avenging the dramatic death of my mother at the hand of a few maliciously trained Dalmatians, you can catch me avenging the loss of the concept of a free weekend after I agreed to approximately one million different sets of plans with all of the people I haven’t seen since 2019 and am quickly realizing I never actually missed in the first place. If you catch me doing something shockingly socially unacceptable, like flashing a body part at what was intended to be a nice wine tasting at a vineyard, just know that that wasn’t actually me. It was my alter ego. (Or maybe it was the fact that none of us have socialized normally in about a year, and if I blank in the middle of a conversation, it’s because I’m thinking about how f*cked it is that I actually kind of miss having access to a mute button on Zoom.) 

I Will Be Doing Weird Sh*t With My Hair And Makeup

If there’s one thing I still don’t totally buy from Cruella, it’s that Disney expected us to accept that that black and icy-platinum blonde hair is her natural color. Cruella, if you’re high maintenance, just say that. It won’t destroy your Doc Martens and ripped tights aesthetic too much. Even the moodiest E-Girls of TikTok have to maintain those bleached money piece highlights, somehow. 

Besides the fact that I’m still convinced that Cruella is hiding her natural color, watching her transform her appearance with dramatic hairstyles, outrageous eyeshadow looks and even a few wigs made me feel like I might actually…try this summer? I don’t know, I can’t make any promises, but I do think I will at least try my hand at some experiential glam, heeding each and every one of Meghan McCain’s tragic ponytails from her hosting gig on The View as warning. 

Images: Courtesy of DMED Media; Giphy (2)

10 New TV Shows To Save You From Boredom This Winter

Back in March, who could have predicted that basically nothing would change by the end of 2020? Okay, a few things have changed, but assuming you’re not one of the lucky few who have already gotten their hands on the vaccine, your ass is still glued to the couch, and you’re still f*cking bored. Luckily, the TV gods understand our need for constant stimulation, so there’s plenty of good stuff coming to a device near you in the next few weeks. Here are the most important new shows and seasons coming soon that you won’t want to miss.

‘Bridgerton’ – Netflix, 12/25

Back in 2017, Shonda Rhimes made history with a record-breaking deal to set up shop at Netflix. It’s taken a few years, but we’re finally getting our first Shondaland Netflix show, and Bridgerton looks like the exact kind of thing I want to binge in 1-2 sittings. Based on a series of novels set in 19th century England, this soapy drama centers on two young nobles who pretend to be in love, each with their own motives. With a diverse cast, gorgeous visuals, and Julie Andrews as the narrator, this is the event of the TV season.

‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ – Netflix, 12/31

If you’re still watching Netflix’s Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, congratulations, you’ve made it to the end. The fourth and final part drops on New Year’s Eve, and as always, it looks creepy and thrilling. But the most exciting part, by far, is the news that the OG Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda from Sabrina The Teenage Witch will be making an appearance. Idk how this factors into the plot, but my sense of nostalgia is happy.

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ – VH1, 1/1

The last time I was indoors at a bar was a viewing party for RuPaul’s Drag Race season 12, so the fact that we’re already getting a new season puts into perspective how long this year has felt. Season 13 features 13 new queens, and whether you’re a Drag Race super fan or have yet to watch an episode, trust me, you’ll love it. From the runway looks to the hilarious challenges to the SHAAAAADE that the queens throw at each other, Drag Race is the perfect competition show.

‘The Bachelor’ – ABC, 1/4

I don’t think The Bachelor needs much introduction around here, but I keep forgetting that Matt’s season premieres just two weeks after The Bachelorette wraps up. Filmed in a quarantine bubble in Pennsylvania, this season is sure to be (say it with me) the most dramatic season ever, and judging from the contestant bios, we might have more than one woman trying to secure the villain spot.

‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’ – Bravo, 1/5

I couldn’t talk about The Bachelor without also including a Bravo show, and the Dallas housewives are back in January for their fifth season. This season was filmed during the pandemic, so we’ll see how the ladies incorporate face masks and shields into their glam routines. Mainly, I’m curious to see how the cast fares in the aftermath of LeeAnne Locken’s problematic behavior and subsequent firing, because that sh*t was messy. Judging from the trailer, newcomer Dr. Tiffany Moon seems like a promising addition, and the ladies of Dallas are often underrated.

‘Dickinson’ – Apple TV+, 1/8

With so many streaming services available, a lot of people sleep on Apple TV+, but Dickinson, one of their breakout original shows, is already coming back for a second season. Hailee Steinfeld plays a young Emily Dickinson who’s struggling with the confines of her 1800s New England life. With modern music and dialogue, this show is super fun, and I found myself laughing out loud regularly during the first season.

‘Everyone Is Doing Great’ – Hulu, 1/13

James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (aka Nathan and Chase from One Tree Hill) teamed up to create and star in this comedy about two actors who are trying to figure out wtf to do years after starring in a hit TV show about vampires. So One Tree Hill wasn’t about vampires, but I’m pretty sure this is low-key autobiographical. Also, yes, this is the same Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach, which is reason enough to watch.

‘Search Party’ – HBO Max, 1/14

After moving to HBO Max last spring for its third season, Search Party is already back for season four. Going forward, I would appreciate if all of my favorite shows could start putting out new seasons every eight months or so. Dory, Drew, and the gang are still dealing with the aftermath of Keith’s death, and if you know anything about this show, things probably won’t go according to plan. Can’t wait!

‘WandaVision’ – Disney+, 1/15

When Disney+ launched, one of the main draws of the streaming service was the promise of new shows in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It took a while, but the first one is finally here, and WandaVision looks like  it’s going to be a f*cking trip. Wanda and Vision, two of the more under-used characters from the MCU movies, are the perfect TV couple in this supernatural sitcom through the ages. Tbh, I have very little idea what this is actually about, but it’s going to be a big deal.

‘Servant’ – Apple TV+, 1/15

Along with Dickinson, Apple TV’s Servant is also returning for a second season next month. This psychological horror show is produced by horror icon M. Night Shyamalan, and it follows a family who hire a nanny for their child… who is actually a doll. Sh*t gets weird, obviously. Season one got solid reviews, and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) is in this, which is reason enough to watch.

Images: Liam Daniel/Netflix; Netflix, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Bachelor Nation on ABC, Bravo, Apple TV, Hulu, HBO Max, Marvel / YouTube

The 5 Most Annoying Plot Holes In Disney Princess Movies

Over the last six months, I’ve burned through basically every form of entertainment at an alarming pace. True crime miniseries, dozens of hours of Bravo, every prestigious movie that I missed from the last decade—you name it, I’ve probably watched too much of it in quarantine. But when I get to the bottom of my watchlist, or don’t feel like getting into another documentary about murder, Disney movies are always the perfect solution. Now that Disney+ is a thing, almost every classic animated movie is right at my fingertips, just waiting to be rewatched while I pretend to work spend my evenings at home.

Obviously, revisiting these childhood favorites is a lot of fun, but there are certain things that just don’t add up when you’re over the age of 13. No shade to Disney or whatever, but some of their movies low-key make no sense. Okay—maybe some shade. From cringeworthy details to plot holes that definitely shouldn’t have made the final drafts, here are some of the most burning questions I have about Disney movies.

Why Are The Princesses So Young?

If you want your day ruined, I just found out that Snow White is supposedly 14 years old living in a house with 7 strange men

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) September 22, 2020

The other day, one of my coworkers informed me that Snow White is supposed to be just 14 years old, and after recovering from my initial disgust, I felt the need to do some Googling. Turns out, every single member of the official Disney Princesses lineup is a teenager! While Snow White is the youngest at 14, she’s not the only one who’s a little too mature for her age. Princess Jasmine is just 15; Ariel, Aurora, Mulan, Moana, and Merida are 16; Belle is 17; Pocahontas and Rapunzel are 18; and Tiana and Cinderella are 19. Keep in mind, these are almost all fictional characters, so there’s literally no reason why they need to be so young.

While all of these princesses have different experiences in their respective stories, besides Merida and Moana, they’re each either married or happily coupled up by the end of their movies. What’s with the child brides? At least Snow White is an 80-year-old movie, but with characters like Belle and Jasmine, Disney was still doing this sh*t in the ’90s! Ew! In recent years, Disney has worked to bring more racial and cultural diversity into this group, and introduced Princesses whose stories don’t revolve around finding a man, but this age distribution is another problem they should probably look into addressing.

Why Does Pocahontas Speak English?

There’s a lot of problematic stuff happening in Pocahontas, but hey, at least our main character is 18! Pocahontas is the only Disney Princess to be based on a real person, but that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t come with its own set of baffling plot holes. In the movie, we see John Smith coming over from England, and he’s the first white person Pocahontas ever sees. While they both teach each other some words in their respective native languages, they have no actual trouble communicating with each other, because Pocahontas conveniently already speaks English! Obviously, I get why Disney didn’t want to make a kids movie where half of the dialogue was in an extinct Native American dialect, but they definitely could have tried a little harder to portray the language barrier that these two would have had at first. And for a movie that already has some cringeworthy Eurocentric imagery going on, the fact that everyone magically speaks English isn’t helping.

Why Doesn’t The Prince Recognize Cinderella?

Okay, let’s talk about Cinderella. Great movie, love the mice, really identify with the stepsisters, etc. But I just will not allow us to act like the whole part about Prince Charming searching for his mystery woman makes any sense. This dude was traipsing all around the kingdom, making literally any woman he came across try on this glass slipper (we’ll get to that in a minute). I feel like this was a huge waste of time. Did he remember absolutely nothing about what Cindy looked like? Sure, her hair was in an updo, and she was wearing a pretty gown, but it’s not like the Fairy Godmother gave her a face transplant or anything. Here’s the completed makeover look:

Really, Prince Charming? She’s not even wearing one of those dumb little masks like in A Cinderella Story—there’s no disguise happening here! If people only recognized me when my hair was freshly washed and I was wearing fancy clothes, I’d be in big trouble. Did Prince Charming black out and only remember that he was in love, but not a single identifying characteristic about the girl he was obsessed with? There’s just no reason anyone who wasn’t a skinny blonde should have been trying on that nasty shoe in the first place.

WTF Size Shoe Does Cinderella Wear?

cinderella shoe

Apparently I just have a lot of feelings about Cinderella. Who knew. So, about that glass slipper. Aside from the obvious sanitary issues with dozens (hundreds? thousands??) of people trying on the same shoe in a time when Clorox wipes definitely didn’t exist, the logic of this whole thing makes absolutely no sense. For this ~search~ to actually have happened, Cinderella would need to have either the world’s largest foot or the world’s smallest foot, and for someone with such a perfectly proportioned cartoon body, that just doesn’t seem likely. Let’s just say Cindy has a size 6 foot. What if the Prince had gone to the house of literally any other woman with a size 6 foot before Cindy’s? He would have just married the wrong woman? Was the slipper enchanted so it wouldn’t fit on anyone else’s foot? I know this is a fairytale, and I’m overthinking it, but that’s basically the whole point of this article, so let me live.

Why Didn’t Ariel Just Write Sh*t Down?

There are lots of unrealistic things happening in The Little Mermaid, but I’ll just accept that most of it is ~Disney magic~. But there’s one plot hole so glaring that I can’t just let it slide. When Ariel decides to make the deal with Ursula to get her legs, she signs her name on a contract. Yet later, when her voice is gone and she’s desperately trying to signal to Prince Eric that she’s the one he loves, it never occurs to her to just find a piece of paper and write it down. Or she could have written a message in the sand! Come on girl, be resourceful! There are truly so many ways she could have gotten her point across in writing, but nope, she just watched as her true love was nearly seduced by Ursula. Ariel may not have had a voice, but did Ursula also take her brain?

I know these princess fairytale movies aren’t exactly supposed to be realistic, but in my opinion, magic and enchantment only go so far. In general, I feel like the screenplays of all of these movies could’ve used one more draft to smooth out some of the inconsistencies, but clearly Disney isn’t that concerned. But please, for the love of god, stop making all the princesses so young!

Images: Fer Gregory / Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

All The Best Stuff You Didn’t Realize Is On Disney+

Today marks the long-awaited launch of Walt Disney’s streaming service, Disney+. It’s hot on the heels of Apple TV+, which launched less than two weeks ago, and Disney is already projecting that they could reach 101 million subscribers within a few years. The site has even been crashing this morning due to overwhelming traffic.

When it comes to entertainment, Disney+ is a big f*cking deal. In case you didn’t realize, Disney owns most of the shows and movies you love to watch, and their streaming service basically has it all. They’ve got every Marvel movie (except for a few that are on Netflix until 2020), every Pixar movie, and every Star Wars movie. Those things are great, but that’s not even close to everything on Disney+. I subscribed and went through the site to see what it has to offer, and here are some of the most important offerings that I feel like no one is talking about.

‘Lizzie McGuire’

Truly, it has never been harder for me to get work done than it is right now, knowing that there are 65 episodes of Lizzie McGuire just sitting there, waiting for me to watch them. The Lizzie McGuire movie is on there too, and of course, we know that filming has already started for the reboot, which will also be on Disney+ next year. What a time to be alive. I would pay $6.99 a month solely for the ability to watch Lizzie McGuire, so it’s safe to say I won’t be canceling my membership anytime soon.

All The Other Disney Channel Shows

I’m definitely most excited about Lizzie McGuire, but pretty much every Disney Channel show from your childhood is available, too. I’m talking Hannah Montana. I’m talking Suite Life. Even Stevens? Absolutely. I haven’t watched these shows in years, because most of them haven’t really been available to stream. Disney knows exactly what they’re doing, and it’s working.

Disney Channel Original Movies

As if the list of Disney Channel shows wasn’t enough, Disney+ also has all the DCOMs you could ever want. It’s taking every ounce of willpower I have not to watch Cadet Kelly right now. You’ve now got instant access to all the Zenon movies, all the High School Musical movies, and, most importantly, Smart House. This content is the exact excuse you need to fire up the group text and have a full-blown sleepover.

Original Content

Like all the other major streaming services, Disney+ is investing major money into producing original content. There are many projects in the works, from the Lizzie McGuire reboot to a bunch of Marvel series, but there are a handful of things that are ready to stream right now. There’s The Mandalorian, a Star Wars spin-off series; a live-action Lady and the Tramp movie; and a musical series about a production of High School Musical. So meta. There’s also Noelle, a Christmas movie starring Anna Kendrick and Bill Hader, if you don’t feel like going to the theatre to see Last Christmas.

Every Animated Movie Ever

Remember when you were a kid, and Disney would have those commercials where they warned that your favorite movie was going into the Disney Vault, so you would guilt your parents into buying you the VHS while you had the chance? Yeah, those days are over. All of the Disney animated movies that basically made your childhood are on Disney+, and there’s even a dedicated section called Princesses Collection. If you’re the kind of person who still low-key wants to be a Disney Princess when you grow up, you’re going to thrive here.

Tons Of Nature Sh*t

If you love getting stoned and watching Planet Earth, Disney+ is gonna be an absolute vibe for you. There are two different National Geographic collections, as well as a whole section for Disney Nature. With titles like Monkey Kingdom, African Cats, and How Dogs Got Their Shape, you can spend entire weekends on the couch just watching animals do their thing. What could be better?

Basically, Disney+ has way more content than you could ever watch, but you better believe I’m gonna try to get through all of it. Tell me in the comments what you’re most excited to watch!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (6)

Disney Is Remaking ‘Home Alone,’ But Why?

At this point, I feel like it’s kind of tired to complain about the amount of reboots and remakes of classic TV shows and movies. Everyone has different taste, so who cares if they’re bringing yet another ’90s show back from the dead for easy money? But we all have to draw the line somewhere, and you know what? I draw that line at Home Alone.

Earlier this year, The Walt Disney Company completed their acquisition of 20th Century Fox, one of the largest business deals in history. I’m sure there were lots of reasons why Disney bought Fox, but one of the biggest factors was Fox’s huge catalog of content. In addition to all of their existing properties like Star Wars and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Disney now has the rights to tons of other famous movies, and they’re wasting no time putting these to use.

This week, Disney CEO Robert Iger announced plans for reboots of numerous family-friendly Fox titles for the upcoming Disney+ streaming service, including generally unexciting things like Cheaper By The Dozen and Night at the Museum. But the new project that’s furthest along in the development process is a new version of Home Alone, and honestly? They can keep it.

Everyone: Enough with the reboots, for the love of god.
Disney:

I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever been some crazy fan of Home Alone. It’s a cool movie, sure, whatever, but it wasn’t one that I rented every week at Blockbuster (RIP). Whether or not a reboot of Home Alone was a good idea, I probably wouldn’t be that excited to watch it—but it’s not a good idea! No matter how much you love the original movie, the whole concept of Home Alone in 2019 just doesn’t make sense.

If you’ll recall, the original Home Alone was released in 1990, and it was a huge hit. But you also might recall that 1990 was a very different time in the world. There was no internet, no cell phones, and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet, so people tended to be a lot more chill about traveling and just like, life in general. It still would’ve taken a lot of oversight for a kid to be left behind on their family trip to Paris, but maybe it could’ve happened.

Cut to 2019, when I literally have three WiFi connected devices within an arm’s reach. Poor little Macaulay Culkin would probably already have an iPhone, his parents’ credit card, and an Uber account to use in emergencies. Without some major stretches of the imagination, Home Alone would be approximately 10 minutes long.

Home Alone in 2019: The McAllister Family have all been invited on an influencer trip to Lake Como. Kevin doesn’t have enough followers, so he can’t go.

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) August 7, 2019

I’m sure Disney knows this on some level, and they are planning to make some tweaks to the plot. Rather than the movie, where Kevin has to fend off two burglars, the new version will “follow a husband and wife who go to war with a young boy who has stolen something from them.” That sounds interesting enough, but I’d imagine that the main through line of a project called Home Alone still involves the main character being left home…alone. This sounds less like “Home Alone” and more like “two grown-ass adults who have too much time on their hands and who would probably be better off seeking out legal avenues of recourse”.

The most exciting piece of news out this whole announcement is that Melissa McCarthy is in talks to star in the new Home Alone, which might be the only thing that can save it. No word yet on whether Macaulay Culkin will be invited back in some capacity, but based on his current life trajectory, I’m guessing the answer is no. So far, no release date has been announced, but the Disney+ service is launching this November.

Images: Shutterstock

An Honest Recap of Disney’s ‘Halloweentown’

Considering the last movie recap I was asked to do was Fifty Shades Freed, I figured I could both tear apart what promises to be a terrible film and ruin some people’s childhoods when tasked with writing an honest review of the Disney Channel classic, Halloweentown. I’d never seen this movie before yesterday and, honestly, I’m really mad that I lost 84 minutes of my life on this. Buckle up.

Meet The Cromwells

We open on some really stunning visual imagery and ooOo someone got creative and used the Goosebumps font for all the credits. Nice touch.

Here are the Cromwells, a lovable family of weird, deprived children sitting inside on Halloween. Marnie, the oldest, is creepy and loves pentagrams, Edgar Allen Poe, un-flattering bangs, and general odd sh*t. She’s 13, and therefore no one understands her. Being a teenager is so hard, guys.

Marnie: Why can’t we be like the other kids and go out and get trashed poisoned have fun dressing up as dead things? GOD, MOM.

The little brother with the very feathered haircut starts spouting about how he also hates Halloween and I’m all, “who’s the dork talking sense? SHUT UP NERD.” I think his name is Dylan, but I’m not going to acknowledge his name for the rest of this movie.

Sophie, the youngest Cromwell, is staring longingly outside.

Mom tells the kids to STFU and enjoy their quiet, sad house. Potential serial killer brother agrees (he loves nature documentaries and killing small animals), Marnie gives some sass mouth, and youngest Matilda extra, Sophie, continues to sit sadly. Yo, but if my kids talked to me this way, I’d knock them through a wall.

Someone brings up dad, and everyone is all “DON’T TALK ABOUT DAD! HE WENT OUT FOR HALLOWEEN AND NEVER CAME BACK!” He definitely left because mom doesn’t even let the kids have cookies, despite Sophie being able to use her mind powers to snatch them. I’m calling Child Protective Services.

Out of nowhere, medieval Mary Poppins i.e. Gramma appears to bestow upon the children candy, witchcraft, and some really off-putting costumes. She reaches into her giant bag and my first thought is “Are there drugs in gramma’s bag, too?”

Turns out, Gramma’s visit is not just because she wanted to undermine her daughter’s parenting and let the kids try wacky tabacky for the first time. There’s a big prob in Halloweentown (established 600 A.D., located in Massachusetts, probably), and respectable goblins, werewolves, and other walking nightmares are disappearing. Gramma needs Gwen (Mom’s real name) to help her save the day, witch style. Gwen is all “my witch costume doesn’t fit anymore” and sends Gramma out on her *ss.

Gramma waits at a v spooky bus stop and is whisked back to Halloweentown, but not before the kids TOTALLY SNEAK ON THE BUS, and somehow no one sees them.

Is Miss Frizzle driving this bus? Because we definitely just went through space and time like I’ve never seen before.

Welcome To Creeptown

Sophie, Marnie, and creepfest brother get off the bus and are greeted by a bunch of v scary Halloween creatures and a curly-haired mayor who is definitely into butt stuff. I guess stranger danger isn’t a thing in Halloweentown, which is a little ironic.

Anyway, the kids hop in a taxi with a talking skeleton and head to Gramma’s house. Once inside, Gramma gives them the lowdown on the “scary thing” that’s making people disappear in Halloweentown, and everyone looks into a moldy cauldron where a vision of a badly made scarecrow appears.

Gramma fills a medieval dildo with an instant magic potion in hopes of scaring away the geriatric threat, but, sadly, magic potions need to be homemade. Instant is sh*tty. I see you, Disney.

Gramma and the kids head into town to blow some money. Gramma’s usually totally fun friend, Harriet, nearly attacks Gramma like I attack carbs. This prompts Gramma to seek out the mayor and be all, “Hey, take care of this sh*t or I will.” Creepy mayor is all, “shush b*tch, I got this.” This is called foreshadowing.

While shopping for brooms, Marnie gets hit on by The Big Cheese (real name is Luke, but honestly, why go by Luke when you can go by The Big Cheese lol amirite), who I think also sent a d*ck pic to my friend on Tinder. Marnie throws some ’90s comebacks and everyone is all “lol, rad.”

Gramma buys Marnie a broom so she can begin training her as a witch and truly alienate all of her normal friends. My main thought during this flying sequence is that there are no seatbelts on this broom.

how did this not get an Emmy for visual effects?

After the dangerous broom ride (who was watching Sophie and the serial killer brother during this time?), OH SH*T MOM IS HERE. She caught another bus (I think) to Halloweentown and is here to (figuratively) kill Gramma.

Sh*t Gets Real

After verbally assaulting Marnie and telling her she’s a muggle and not a witch (she deserved it), Mom turns her attention to getting tf out of this weird town where pumpkins are acceptable decor year-round. Sure, they’re totally a family of witches and this could be fun, but adults are mean.

Mom heads straight to the mayor’s office with the kids in tow. The mayor seems to have known Mom from her non-normal days and they’re all “lol let’s bone”. DO YOU GET IT, GUYS? DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE??

He looks like a medieval version of Phil from Modern Family

Anyway, after some questionable magic tricks and a sudden interruption from a lady dressed like a pin cushion (which Halloween animal are you supposed to be?), the Mayor f*cks off, probably to take care of a rigged election or the swearing in of a head gremlin.

Meanwhile, Gramma is wandering around town (Is she lost? Does she have a Life Alert for emergencies or no?) when The Big Cheese shows up to harass her. He’s clearly in cahoots with the scary thing, so naturally Gramma follows him to punt this kid and the scary thing through a brick wall with some finger sparks.

Sophie sees Gramma go with The Big Cheese and proclaims, “Grandma is going with the wiener dude!” This may be the best line in the whole movie.

In an abandoned movie theater somewhere, the scary thing is holding court over some frozen-in-time bodies and – OH MY GOD, IT’S ALL THE MISSING TOWNSPEOPLE! The Big Cheese has been helping him, and Gramma is here to stop it. Can’t blame her, cause the scary thing is definitely posing those frozen bodies in embarrassing ways, putting fingers in noses, etc.

Honestly, the scary thing just needs a good wrinkle cream and I think he’d be a lot happier.

me, the morning after drinking

Turns out, what the scary man really wants is the medieval dildo—er, talisman—from Act 2, although we’re never really told why. It’s during this time that, inexplicably, Mom and the kids come strolling in. After a stunning green screen magic battle, Mom and Gramma are frozen like the rest of the theater folk. IT’S UP TO THE KIDS TO SAVE THE DAY.

The talisman will only work with REAL (never instant) witch’s brew, so we, the audience, are treated to a fantastic montage of the kids shaving a werewolf for its hair, hanging out in a sauna with a ghost and stealing some sweat, and snagging a vampire’s fang from a goblin dentist.

The Kids Save The Day

The kids head back to Gramma’s with their weird Halloweentown haul and make their own witch’s brew after a Cromwell pep talk and spell session led by Sophie, proving that the youngest children are the scariest of all.

it’s not, tho

The kids are ready to put the talisman in the giant rotting pumpkin in the middle of town since, apparently, that’s where it goes and that’s how they’ll stop Dr. Scarytown Wrinklesface. But before Marnie can do it, The Big Cheese warns her it’s a trap. SHO NUFF, Dr. Wrinklesface appears and gives a very German dictator à la 1940s speech about getting rid of the goblins crossing into the mortal world. He sees who he thinks is Marnie and throws some magical sparks her way. GOTCHA, B*TCH—IT’S THE BIG CHEESE IN DISGUISE. Marnie has made it to the giant pumpkin and planted the talisman in hopes of melting the scary creep and freeing the souls from the abandoned movie theater where the creep definitely wasn’t doing weird stuff to them while they slept.

So why all the evil? Dr. Spookytown—real name, Kalabar—is actually THE MAYOR AND IS SUPER UPSET cause Gwen aka Mom totally ditched him years ago. Hey, this movie sends a really good message to kids about how if they turn someone down they could be setting that person up for a lifetime of evil. Or to become a Supreme Court Justice.

After some very aggressive humming, the Cromwell clan (Marnie, Sophie, Mom, Gramma, and … great… the brother has powers now, too) banish Kalabar the Creep to—well, we don’t know where.

The town celebrates and Marnie kisses Luke aka The Big Cheese who was only being evil ’cause he also wanted to be hot. The movie ends with Gwen telling Gramma she has to live with them because she can’t be trusted on her own and keeps forgetting her meds. The end!

Images: Disney Channel; Giphy (6)

Disney Themed Clothing No Grown Adult Should Be Caught Dead Wearing

I don’t understand the obsession grown women still have with Disney princesses. Like, I love Disney as much as everyone else, but why, why, why does anyone pretend to be and dress like a Disney princess? It’s 2018, guys, we’re feminists now. It’s like, oh, do you want to be the woman that slept through her entire movie while waiting for a man to kiss her (this actually applies to TWO princesses)? Or the woman who cleaned her stepmom’s house until a man bought her off? Or, recently, you’re all obsessed with a certain bitch who learned a very valuable lesson: looks aren’t important, and neither is aggression or abuse, as long as he’s rich. To add to our sad tirade of grown-ass women’s obsession with princess shit, TOMS has now collaborated with Disney. That’s right, Disney princess TOMS exist, and all I can say is: Why? Why would you do that?


First of all, I hate TOMS on the best of days. They are ugly, sorry not sorry. The front of them is always weird and saggy and reminds me of a sad, flaccid penis. They are weird.

 Also? These shoes are very poorly designed. TOMS, you guys had one job. Why are the characters BEHEADED on the front of every shoe???

It’s like a fun game of WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEIR HEADS? Especially for the front of the shoe. Like okay, the pattern got cut off on the sides or the back. But every shoe seems to have a decapitated princess front and center. Disney, you’re getting lazy. Also, I could doodle shit better than that Cinderella slipper on my Etnies in fifth grade. For free.

 

On that note, is Disney always everywhere, or has it recently been getting out of hand? Why did I see these horrible jeans at H&M this weekend?

 

H&M Slim Mom Jeans

 

First of all, finding jeans at H&M is terrible: their fabric is too thick and unflattering, and their sizing isn’t even consistent in their own store. Am I a 2 or a 14 today? It’s a surprise! But who decided that we really, really needed Mickey Mouse all over our jeans? What do you wear these with besides a sad plain tee shirt and a face of shame? We’re going too far.

 

Even worse, Chiara Ferragni recently released a line of designer Disney shoes. So like, $400 shoes, but they came from the Disney store.

 

Chiara Ferragni Minnie Mouse Glove Mules

Like, what the fuck? Who are these people that spend $400 on Mickey Mouse glove shoes? Buy some Valentino’s on sale, you weirdos.

But don’t despair, guys! It gets worse!

 

For a cool $59.95, you can reenact The Little Mermaid, because Disney now has huge, gigantic, terrifying floaties of our favorite characters! 

 

Oh My Disney Sebastian Pool Float
Remember the part where Ariel rode around on a very disturbing looking Sebastian because he was gigantic? No? Oh wait, because that never happened, and this line is ridiculous. Get a basic swan floatie and call it a day. Also? Nothing like paying $60 for essentially a plastic bag to fill with air.

 

Disney, give it up.

 

Images: H&M (1), Shop Disney (2), Unsplash (1)
A Former Disney Star Works At The White House Now Because Of Course

With Hope Hicks on the way out, we should really not be at all surprised that the Trump administration is bringing in a replacement regulation hottie. Last night, the White House announced that former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine will be joining the administration as a hot young blonde for the brain-dead bros otherwise known as White House staff to sexually harass. Sorry, I meant to say as a press assistant.

This hire appears to be part of the White House’s grand quest to replace anyone with an actual degree or experience in public policy with a C to D-list celebrity. First we had Omarosa as Director of Communications before she left the White House for the far saner environment of Celebrity Big Brother. Now, we have Larry Kudlow of CNBC and John Bolton of Fox replacing Gary Cohn and H.R. McMaster as Economic and National Security Advisors. Adding a 22-year old former child actress into the mix to write press releases honestly seems like a logical next step at this point.

So, who is Caroline Sunshine? Let’s investigate.

Caroline is most well-known for her role as a side character on the Disney sitcom Shake It Up, which starred far more famous betches Zendaya and Bella Thorne. I imagine the three-way call in which Caroline revealed her new job to Black Lives Matter activist Zendaya did not go well. Caroline’s character was named Tinka, and from the 20 seconds of this show I was able to force myself to watch, I learned that she speaks in a bizarre European accent that might be Russian. Collusion?!

Other highlights of her entertainment career include the 2010 children’s film Marmaduke, and a 2017 lifetime movie called Mommy I Didn’t Do It. Like all failed Disney Channel stars, Caroline also attempted to become a pop singer. Her single “The Star I R” begins with the line “I’ll always be honest,” which is interesting because it is diametrically opposed to the main task of a press assistant for the Trump Administration. Luckily, I don’t think her clear lack of any basic grammar knowledge will be an issue in the White House.

On the politics side, Caroline spent her college years at Claremont McKenna, adding internships at various Republican entities to her psychotic resume. She has previously worked for House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, the College Republican National Committee, the California Republican Party, and the White House. During the semester, when she was not busy presumably blacking out or tanning, she participated in Claremont’s Model United Nations. This gives her more foreign policy experience than half of Trump’s State Department, and for that the country is eternally grateful.

A deep dive into her Instagram reveals a fascinating mix of basic bitch content (solo beach pics with dumb pun captions), TBTs from her acting days, and political posts that make very little sense.

For example, her 2016 “I Voted” insta was captioned with a quote from the Lorax, which indicates both that she has not read a book since elementary school and that she did not understand the basic concept of the Lorax, considering she is going to work for a climate change denier.

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -The Lorax GO VOTE????????

A post shared by Caroline Sunshine (@carolinesunshine) on

And then there’s this, which is most likely what comes up if you Google “pun caption for beach.” Can’t wait to see her put these skills to use in crafting the White House’s public message:

Farewell summer 2016, you crazy little sun of a beach.

A post shared by Caroline Sunshine (@carolinesunshine) on

Luckily, Hope Hicks has not yet announced the exact day of her departure from the White House, so she hopefully has time to give Caroline some hot tips on surviving the Trump Administration with her reputation intact. Just kidding, she will probably just pass down White House dating advice and a burn book.

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