Over the last six months, I’ve burned through basically every form of entertainment at an alarming pace. True crime miniseries, dozens of hours of Bravo, every prestigious movie that I missed from the last decade—you name it, I’ve probably watched too much of it in quarantine. But when I get to the bottom of my watchlist, or don’t feel like getting into another documentary about murder, Disney movies are always the perfect solution. Now that Disney+ is a thing, almost every classic animated movie is right at my fingertips, just waiting to be rewatched while I
pretend to work spend my evenings at home.
Obviously, revisiting these childhood favorites is a lot of fun, but there are certain things that just don’t add up when you’re over the age of 13. No shade to Disney or whatever, but some of their movies low-key make no sense. Okay—maybe some shade. From cringeworthy details to plot holes that definitely shouldn’t have made the final drafts, here are some of the most burning questions I have about Disney movies.
Why Are The Princesses So Young?
If you want your day ruined, I just found out that Snow White is supposedly 14 years old living in a house with 7 strange men
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) September 22, 2020
The other day, one of my coworkers informed me that Snow White is supposed to be just 14 years old, and after recovering from my initial disgust, I felt the need to do some Googling. Turns out, every single member of the official Disney Princesses lineup is a teenager! While Snow White is the youngest at 14, she’s not the only one who’s a little too mature for her age. Princess Jasmine is just 15; Ariel, Aurora, Mulan, Moana, and Merida are 16; Belle is 17; Pocahontas and Rapunzel are 18; and Tiana and Cinderella are 19. Keep in mind, these are almost all fictional characters, so there’s literally no reason why they need to be so young.
While all of these princesses have different experiences in their respective stories, besides Merida and Moana, they’re each either married or happily coupled up by the end of their movies. What’s with the child brides? At least Snow White is an 80-year-old movie, but with characters like Belle and Jasmine, Disney was still doing this sh*t in the ’90s! Ew! In recent years, Disney has worked to bring more racial and cultural diversity into this group, and introduced Princesses whose stories don’t revolve around finding a man, but this age distribution is another problem they should probably look into addressing.
Why Does Pocahontas Speak English?
There’s a lot of problematic stuff happening in Pocahontas, but hey, at least our main character is 18! Pocahontas is the only Disney Princess to be based on a real person, but that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t come with its own set of baffling plot holes. In the movie, we see John Smith coming over from England, and he’s the first white person Pocahontas ever sees. While they both teach each other some words in their respective native languages, they have no actual trouble communicating with each other, because Pocahontas conveniently already speaks English! Obviously, I get why Disney didn’t want to make a kids movie where half of the dialogue was in an extinct Native American dialect, but they definitely could have tried a little harder to portray the language barrier that these two would have had at first. And for a movie that already has some cringeworthy Eurocentric imagery going on, the fact that everyone magically speaks English isn’t helping.
Why Doesn’t The Prince Recognize Cinderella?
Okay, let’s talk about Cinderella. Great movie, love the mice, really identify with the stepsisters, etc. But I just will not allow us to act like the whole part about Prince Charming searching for his mystery woman makes any sense. This dude was traipsing all around the kingdom, making literally any woman he came across try on this glass slipper (we’ll get to that in a minute). I feel like this was a huge waste of time. Did he remember absolutely nothing about what Cindy looked like? Sure, her hair was in an updo, and she was wearing a pretty gown, but it’s not like the Fairy Godmother gave her a face transplant or anything. Here’s the completed makeover look:
Really, Prince Charming? She’s not even wearing one of those dumb little masks like in A Cinderella Story—there’s no disguise happening here! If people only recognized me when my hair was freshly washed and I was wearing fancy clothes, I’d be in big trouble. Did Prince Charming black out and only remember that he was in love, but not a single identifying characteristic about the girl he was obsessed with? There’s just no reason anyone who wasn’t a skinny blonde should have been trying on that nasty shoe in the first place.
WTF Size Shoe Does Cinderella Wear?
Apparently I just have a lot of feelings about Cinderella. Who knew. So, about that glass slipper. Aside from the obvious sanitary issues with dozens (hundreds? thousands??) of people trying on the same shoe in a time when Clorox wipes definitely didn’t exist, the logic of this whole thing makes absolutely no sense. For this ~search~ to actually have happened, Cinderella would need to have either the world’s largest foot or the world’s smallest foot, and for someone with such a perfectly proportioned cartoon body, that just doesn’t seem likely. Let’s just say Cindy has a size 6 foot. What if the Prince had gone to the house of literally any other woman with a size 6 foot before Cindy’s? He would have just married the wrong woman? Was the slipper enchanted so it wouldn’t fit on anyone else’s foot? I know this is a fairytale, and I’m overthinking it, but that’s basically the whole point of this article, so let me live.
Why Didn’t Ariel Just Write Sh*t Down?
There are lots of unrealistic things happening in The Little Mermaid, but I’ll just accept that most of it is ~Disney magic~. But there’s one plot hole so glaring that I can’t just let it slide. When Ariel decides to make the deal with Ursula to get her legs, she signs her name on a contract. Yet later, when her voice is gone and she’s desperately trying to signal to Prince Eric that she’s the one he loves, it never occurs to her to just find a piece of paper and write it down. Or she could have written a message in the sand! Come on girl, be resourceful! There are truly so many ways she could have gotten her point across in writing, but nope, she just watched as her true love was nearly seduced by Ursula. Ariel may not have had a voice, but did Ursula also take her brain?
I know these princess fairytale movies aren’t exactly supposed to be realistic, but in my opinion, magic and enchantment only go so far. In general, I feel like the screenplays of all of these movies could’ve used one more draft to smooth out some of the inconsistencies, but clearly Disney isn’t that concerned. But please, for the love of god, stop making all the princesses so young!
Images: Fer Gregory / Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
I don’t understand the obsession grown women still have with Disney princesses. Like, I love Disney as much as everyone else, but why, why, why does anyone pretend to be and dress like a Disney princess? It’s 2018, guys, we’re feminists now. It’s like, oh, do you want to be the woman that slept through her entire movie while waiting for a man to kiss her (this actually applies to TWO princesses)? Or the woman who cleaned her stepmom’s house until a man bought her off? Or, recently, you’re all obsessed with a certain bitch who learned a very valuable lesson: looks aren’t important, and neither is aggression or abuse, as long as he’s rich. To add to our sad tirade of grown-ass women’s obsession with princess shit, TOMS has now collaborated with Disney. That’s right, Disney princess TOMS exist, and all I can say is: Why? Why would you do that?
— POPSUGAR Fashion (@POPSUGARFashion) April 19, 2018
First of all, I hate TOMS on the best of days. They are ugly, sorry not sorry. The front of them is always weird and saggy and reminds me of a sad, flaccid penis. They are weird.
— WDW News Today (@WDWNT) April 20, 2018
Chiara Ferragni Minnie Mouse Glove Mules
Like, what the fuck? Who are these people that spend $400 on Mickey Mouse glove shoes? Buy some Valentino’s on sale, you weirdos.
As we all know, the world is a literal ball of flames, but there are some things that still matter. Namely, the betchiness of some of our favorite Disney princesses. Now, by virtue of being princesses, all the Disney girls are fairly betchy, but here is our ranking of the most, and least, of them all. If your favorite princess is missing, it is because they are middle-of-the-road betchy and I don’t have the time for that. If you’re upset, remind yourself that Donald Trump is literally president and there is other shit to worry about rn.
Ariel is the betchiest of the princesses for a number of reasons. For one, she is 16, which is the second betchiest age after 21. She starts shit off strong by both arriving late for the shell-based all-mermaid choir that she is a part of (nice extracurriculars, Ar), and being the youngest and hottest of her sisters. She then continues the betchiness by being a little shit to her dad, who she refers to exclusively as “Daaaaaadddyyyyy,” and disregards all of his advice in favor of chilling in her giant room full of shit she doesn’t need and pursuing a hot rich guy that she saw once—and that’s literally, like, the first five minutes of the movie. Ariel is then able to snag said dude (who is too nervous to kiss her BTW) without having to say shit, and beats out some wack-ass brunette in the process. Also, Ariel is a mermaid and only wears a bra. Case. Closed.
Sleeping Beauty is hands down the betchiest of the classic princesses, mainly because she barely does anything and yet everyone is obsessed with her. People follow her around all day making sure that she wears the right color (pink! blue!), and, much like Ariel, she is able to snag a hot rich boyfriend just by being casually hot one day in the forest. Aurora (that’s her name, btw) then proceeds to full on nap through the most exciting part of her movie, only to wake up once her boyfriend has handled everything and that annoying rando Maleficent is dead or whatever. The only thing keeping Aurora from the top spot on the list is that she is basically boring. Like, she seems like the type of girl who wouldn’t even get kicked out of the bar on her birthday. Also, let’s not forget the time she went into the forget and pretended that old clothes filled with animals were her boyfriend. That shit is delusional dating to the extreme. Second place.
Jasmine snags third place because of her incredible contribution to the art of wearing crop tops. Her waist, which is somehow half the size of Jafar’s hand, will not be forgotten. Her bedroom is also the betchiest of all the princesses. We’re talkin’ full vanity, balcony, a lounging couch, a bed covered in drapes, and this chick is only 16 years old. She’s immediately shitty to any dude who tries to talk to her, and is a gold medalist in Throwing Yourself On Your Bed And Sobbing. She’s in third place here for a very simple reason – why tf wouldn’t you want a rich boyfriend? Like, you have princes knocking down your door and yet somehow you’re infatuated with a dude in ripped up harem pants and a mattress on the floor? No fucking thank you. Get your priorities straight. Even Aladdin knew he had to pretend to be rich to be with you. Have some fucking respect for yourself.
Snow White is another princess who chooses to nap through the climax of her own story, which is noble AF, but ultimately she is kind of a dud. Like, why do you love cleaning so much? And how do you not know that you’re the fairest of them all? Any true betch has a full ranking of the hotness of every girl she’s ever met relative to herself running in her mind at all times. Also, your voice is annoying and wtf are you wearing? A yellow skirt, blue princess cut top, and like…a popped collar? Honey, that is a goddamn mess. Good on you for only ever allowing yourself to be seen eating an apple, though. Fourth place.
Again, this is a chick who needs to have some goddamn respect for herself. You are blond, impossibly thin, and have tiny feet. You do not need to be cleaning some uggo’s house. Go look in the mirror and tell your stepsisters to get fucking steppin.’ Any true betch would know that you absolutely do not have to listen to your step mom ever. If you want to go to the ball, just fucking sneak out your window and go. When you show up hungover in the morning and she asks where you were, yell “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM,” and lock your goddamn door. It’s literally that simple. Also, you’re legit gonna come home in time for curfew? Really? Midnight is literally when you should be arriving to a party. But, again, she is skinny and blond which is an accomplishment in and of itself, so good for you Cindy. Fifth place.
Okay, so I’m sorry but Pocahontas is a dud. First of all, yes, you should marry Kokoum. He is hotter and not wearing a shirt and didn’t come on a boat made of racism to kill your family. So yeah, marry Kokoum. Secondly, get a better friend group. It’s the 1600s. There are like, a ton of other Native American humans for you to be friends with, but you’re hanging with a raccoon, a bird, and a fucking tree with an old lady’s face? Get with it. You know Nakoma is only hanging out with you because you were friends as kids and her mom says she has to. Sorry but it’s true.
Ugh. Here’s a girl you know brags about having “mostly guy friends.” It’s like, you are getting your hair and makeup done free of charge and you’re not even grateful. Do you know how much I would kill for a free updo with a jade pin and a full face of makeup? Get your priorities straight. “Saving China” should not come before looking fly AF.
Nope. No. Sorry. Get your fucking look together. You have beautiful curly red hair. Literally all you need is leave in conditioner and your ginger ass would look amazing, but instead you’re all fucking over the place. I’d criticize Merida more on the content of her movie, but I fell asleep during this movie because it was so damn boring. Sing a fucking song. Nobody cares that your mom is a bear. Bye.
DUD. DUD. DUD. THE HOTTEST GUY IN TOWN WANTS TO MARRY YOU BUT YOU WOULD RATHER MARRY A GIANT CAT WHO KIDNAPPED YOU. THIS IS LEGIT MENTAL ILLNESS. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF THE BOOKS AND SEE A PROFESSIONAL. SILVERWARE IS NOT A FRIEND GROUP. SEEK. FUCKING. HELP. LAST PLACE.
Images: Giphy (9)
As young betches, after we realized boys don’t really have cooties, but before we realized that they’re actually all just fuckboys who will ruin our lives, we enjoyed fantasizing about being whisked away by a certain type of bro. This group of bros provided us constant entertainment and were easy on the eyes—yes, I’m talking about the Disney princes. Every Disney movie had one, and they were all hot. Ah, the good old days. Because it’s totally normal to judge the physical attractiveness of a bunch of animated drawings, I’m here to rank the Disney princes according to their hotness level. I’m sure you’ll all have an opinion, so be sure to leave it in the comments section, which I definitely read.
10. The Prince
The Prince is the nameless prince in Snow White. He hardly speaks except for when he sings some lame-ass song about wishing for the woman he loves to come find him. Yeah, if love worked that way I’d be married with Shemar Moore’s kid by now. Talk about a delusional dater. Throughout the movie, he doesn’t do shit besides kiss Snow White and wake her up from a death-like sleep. Uhh, can you not? I was taking a nap. His presence in the movie is largely unnecessary, which is probably why they don’t even bother to give him a name. Last place.
P.S. Are you wearing fucking makeup, dude? Ultimate last place.
I’m sorry, Kristoff is not hot. What’s up with that goofy smile? And that vest? That vest is hideous. He has good hair and is like, a decent person, otherwise he’d be in last.
8. Prince Charming
Prince Charming is okay looking but he’s a fucking Nice Guy. Bruh, how low is your self-esteem that you spend all night dancing with a betch and don’t even ask her her fucking name?? Also, you definitely took the hard route finding Cinderella. You could have, like, asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone with her physical description, JUST SAYING. Also minus points for the probably foot fetish. Boy bye.
7. John Smith
YES I KNOW John Smith isn’t *technically* a prince, but he’s Pocahontas’ love interest so he fucking counts. Here’s the deal. He’s handsome, he’s got great hair, and he’s fucking British. That should be all the info you need. Except for the fact that Pocahontas wouldn’t even come with him back to England at the end of the movie, so he obviously has no game. So close, but not close enough. Seventh.
6. The Beast
He gets hot points because he’s rich, has a sick house, and is objectively attractive once you get rid of all the fur and stuff. But minus points because he’s a raging asshole—probably because he spent his entire adult life alone locked up in a fucking castle with only his kitchenware to talk to. I’d imagine that would take a toll on anybody’s personality. Regardless, that’s gonna point to some communication problems later on, I’m sure. Also he spends most of the movie as an actual beast, which certainly raises some bestiality questions to say the least.
5. Flynn Rider
Aka Eugene Fitzherbert, which incidentally is my accountant’s name. Flynn is like, a less hot and slightly more thug version of Aladdin, except he has a better pet. He’s fine, so he is precisely in the middle.
Aladdin is basically that guy with a shady past you dated for a while to scare your dad, but you’d never let him wife you. He hangs out with a literal monkey, FFS. However, Aladdin cleaned up well and showed Jasmine a whole new world, so you know he’s dynamite in bed. Solid fourth.
3. Prince Naveen
Naveen is definitely a regulation hottie. Tall, dark, and handsome with light-colored eyes? Swoon. Naveen is that confident, funny, attractive guy that every girl thinks is in love with them but really he’s just flirty with everyone. It wasn’t cute that he was content living as a frog with Tiana for a hot second, which is the only reason he’s not in first or second place. But since he got changed back into a human at the end so we’re all good here.
2. Li Shang
Shang is a hotshot army captain, and betches love a man in uniform. Plus, he’s fucking ripped underneath all that armor. Check out those abs! Shang doesn’t take shit and tbh, we need that. Even Mulan’s grandma thinks he’s sexy.
1. Prince Eric
Prince Eric is OBVIOUSLY the hottest out of all the Disney princes. The black hair/blue eyes combo sure is a winning one. And that smile, man. Is it weird to be attracted to a cartoon character? He may be kind of an asshole for almost marrying another betch like, one day after he met Ariel. Like, why were you in such a rush to settle down, Eric? Could you not just have waited it out? However, gotta give credit where credit is due. That was some solid game-playing, Eric. Major SAB move. For those reasons, but mostly because he’s fucking hot af, Eric takes the top spot.
Wedding season is almost upon us, meaning that it is nearly time for us to spend thousands of dollars on outfits and hair in hopes that a photographer will get a good candid of you that will serve as your prof pic for the rest of time. It’s an important time. Over the next few months, every couple whose engagement photos took over your news feed this year will again flood your newsfeed with pictures of their “Under The Tuscan Sun” themed wedding, at which point you will be free to look through every possible image of the event and judge whether or not it looked fun or tacky AF. Given that every wedding occurs within a 3 month period of time, a lot of couples will go out of their way to try and make theirs stand out amongst all the outdoor-rustic-sunset-mason-jar-wilderness weddings that seem to be out there and some of them will, inevitably, be extra. Here’s our list of 7 wedding themes that absolutely stop, or at least be viciously shaded in your group chat.
1. The Disney Wedding
We all have that one friend who is still obsessed with Disney despite the fact that they are now a grown person who does taxes and shit. When two such people inevitably meet by being placed in the same log on Splash Moutain, there will be a Disney themed wedding in your future. Either that, or the bride is just extremely overbearing and immature and the groom just doesn’t care. There are several issues with this: first off, no matter how beautiful a bride you are, or how long your fucking hair is, you are not a princess. You’re just not. When this wedding is done you and your husband will go back to your shitty apartment, make a Blue Apron, and watch Netflix. No magic carpet or castles involved. Secondly, you two are adults, and we are gathered here today to celebrate the fact that you will bang only each other for the rest of time. Let’s leave the children’s characters out of this. Third, and most importantly, it’s just not original. Google “Disney themed wedding.” Do it. Your computer will literally overheat just trying to load the results. This idea is so unoriginal that Disney literally has an entire website that is literally called DisneyWeddings.com dedicated to helping facilitate these freaks celebrate their love by pretending to be a fictional couple with troubling gender roles for a day. If you’re going to waste your wedding on a theme that screams “I am dissatisfied with my adult life” at least make it original. I know you guys want to live “happily ever after” but the way to do that is by learning about practical decision making, not whatever this bullshit is:
2. Destination Weddings
Destination weddings sound fun in theory. Who doesn’t want to go on vacation? But what they really are is a giant pain in the ass for everyone involved. Like, yes, spending a week in Bali sounds amazing, but spending a week in Bali with my high school lab partner, her new husband, and all of their extended family sounds less so. Also, I was saving up money and vacation days to go on my own fucking vacation where I could focus on me and do whatever the fuck I want. Now I gotta allocate some of my precious paid vacation and alcohol savings account to flying on Virgin America with you and 300 of your closest friends? No thank you. Just have your wedding in a nearby mansion that once housed slaves like a respectable person.
3. Harry Potter Weddings
Last year, Buzzfeed ran an article called “This Harry Potter Wedding Was Tasteful AF” and, spoiler alert, it was not (also Snape kills Dumbledore). You need only to look at the very first image of the bride and groom as Azkaban prisoners to see the truth. Harry Potter themed weddings are cute for about 5 minutes until you realize that butterbeer is actually really fattening, and “Hedwig’s Theme” is not nearly as fun to drunkenly sing along to as “Shout!” or “Hey Ya.” And look, I’m sorry, it seems like this couple spent a lot of money on this wedding and a lot of time thinking about detail but the bottom line is nobody gives a fuck. Seriously. You spent thousands of dollars on a cathedral and handmade wands for all of your guests that they will probably lose by the end of the night because, guess what, weddings are for getting drunk. Nobody will remember your golden snitch accent bracelet, or the fact that the shots came in little potion vials. They’re going to remember part of the ceremony and waking up in a cold sweat next to one of your groomsmen feeling like they just got hit by the Knight Bus. For all that money you could have gone to Harry Potter World in Orlando like four thousand times. Also don’t think I didn’t notice that you must have destroyed like 50 Harry Potter books to make that bouquet. Hermione would not be pleased.
4) Alice In Wonderland Wedding
This is a subset of the “Disney Wedding” for people who still shop at Hot Topic. We get it. You’re “dark”. You like the Disney movie that is about a little girl on an acid trip. You’re just a regular Tim Burton, aren’t you? We’re all so impressed. If you need any more proof of what type of person sends out wedding invitations that read “We’re All Mad Here!” then might I remind you that the most famous couple to ever utilize this theme was Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Is that really who you want to be associated with? The only way that this theme could be worse if you added a Nightmare Before Christmas reception and dressed up your bridesmaids like Beetlejuice. If you really want to be edgy, don’t have a fucking wedding. No need to confuse the fuck out of your 95-year-old great aunt Muriel when instead of a priest you have a grown man in a pink cat costume reading riddles at you.
5. Rustic Hipster Barn Wedding
This wedding was really cool the first four thousand times, but now it is just over. I’m sorry. I can’t drink out of any more mason jars, and if I see another fairy light, I will explode. I don’t need to receive a free Polaroid camera with my place setting, and I definitely do not need to be dancing anywhere in the vicinity of an actual barn, farm, or livestock of any kind. Please just get a reception hall where there is no chance that I get drunk AF and wake up next to a live pig. People use these weddings to seem low-key and thrifty, but anyone who has ever been to one knows the truth. These weddings cost a shitload of money and take forever to plan. Are you seriously telling me that making your own DIY reclaimed wood place settings is more chill than just hiring a fucking wedding planner? I see you, rich hipsters. We all see you.
6. Native American Wedding (If You Are Not Native American)
When planning a Native American themed wedding, ask yourself one question: Am I Native American? Is my partner Native American? If the answer is “yes” to one or both of these questions, then proceed. If the answer is no—halt. Pause. Do not continue. Recall your invitations. It is 2017. We’re not dressing up like other cultures anymore. We’re not doing it. I get that you’re into yoga and wearing a bindi is fun, but Indian weddings are for Indian people. Same goes for Japanese weddings, no matter how “into anime” you are. Throwing an ethnic wedding for a race you are not a part of is a very good way to get on a Buzzfeed list of the 10 Most Cringeworthy Weddings or to be the subject of some righteous liberal Twitter freakout that will only end when you and every member of your family either changes their name or dies. Don’t believe me? Just ask the Shermans, whose Native American themed wedding featuring absolutely 0 Native Americans spawned this Daily Mail article and at least a thousand years of nightmares.
7. Shrek Wedding
As far as I can tell, the “Shrek Wedding” has only happened once, but I think we can all agree that humanity needs to do everything in its power to ensure that it never happens again. Why would anyone ever want to have a Shrek wedding? Honestly, I can’t say. I can’t get my mind into that place. And why would anyone, even if they were going to have a Shrek wedding, choose to dress up as Shrek and Fiona in ogre form, rather than in prince/princess form? There is truly no explanation other than that there are a lot of fucked up people in this world and sometimes two of them meet and get married.
If you were a child in 90s, hell if you were ever a child at all, you were fucking obsessed with Disney princesses. They’re beautiful. They’re rich. They’re in love. Some of them are kinda smart. Everything young betches dream of growing up to be. But that was like, 20 years ago. What tf are all these princesses doing now? If I had to guess, they’re probs drunk fighting at a charity auction or dinner party, a lot like the Real Housewives. I feel like Snow White would be a total lush these days.
Instead of you spending hours trying to decipher which princess grew up to be which wife, we’ve done it for you. They even have their own taglines. You’re welcome.
Cinderella aka Nene Leakes
Why: While Cinderella was at her stepmom’s house doing a shit ton of chores, Nene was on the pole, stripping for a dollar. Sure, it started out a little rough but look at them now. Nene’s starred in a handful of TV and Broadway shows, and Cinderella is hands down the most famous of all the princesses. Started from the bottom, now we’re here.
Tagline: Whoever said diamonds were a girl’s best friend never owned a pair of glass Louboutins.
Snow White aka Erika Jayne
Why: A lot like Erika Jayne, Snow White doesn’t go anywhere without her squad. The dwarves may spend their days mining and tidying the house, but by night, they’re a full-on glam team that helps keep Snow looking fierce. If Erika Jayne will fly her posse of stylists and makeup artists to Dubai for a girls trip, you can bet Snow, an heiress to the thrown for Christ’s sake, would do the same.
Tagline: I’ll eat apples, but I prefer Champagne.
Belle aka Heather Dubrow
Why: Heather’s castmates constantly make fun of her for being “fancy pants,” which in OC terms means you have class. Belle goes through the same thing in her hometown, where all the locals think she’s a fucking weirdo because she likes books and wants to build The Belle Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Both Belle and Heather are also fans of diamonds in the rough when it comes to men. Belle’s bf was a hairy beast when they first met, but after a few weeks with Belle, he turned into a really hot prince. Terry Dubrow, on the other hand, was probs a total nerd, but now he’s like, the world’s richest plastic surgeon. And Belle and Heather look exactly alike. This one was easy af.
Tagline: They say behind every good man there’s a great woman. Behind a great man there’s me.
Jasmine aka Lisa Vanderpump
Why: Out of all the princesses Jasmine seems the richest. Probs because she’s a Middle Eastern princess and that oil money is no fucking joke. Why does this make her like Lisa Vanderpump? Because LVP has more money than God and Donald Trump combined, that’s why. Jasmine also has a pet tiger, and with all of Lisa’s swans and miniature horses and shit, it’s only a matter of time before a deadly, endangered cat is added to the mix.
Tagline: Pet tigers and magic carpet rides might seem extravagant, but that’s just me living my truth.
Ariel aka Tamra Judge
Why: In the past couple seasons, Tamra has gotten annoying AF about health and exercise. She opened a gym, won’t shut up about working out and even competes in fitness contests. Lol, k. While Ariel hasn’t hit the competition circuit quite yet, she does insist on wearing a bathing suit all fucking day to show off her perfect bod. She’s the princess you don’t wanna eat pizza around.
Tagline: If you think my life is easy, try swimming a mile in my shell bikini.
Pocahontas aka Bethenny Frankel
Why: Both Pocahontas and Bethenny are boss-ass bitches who know how to get what they want. If Bethenny thinks you’re being a hoe and wants to let you know about it in the Berkshires, she’ll do it. If Pocahontas wants to hook up with a English dude even though his friends are trying to kill her family and her dad said not to, she’ll do it. Plus, they both have huge boobs for how skinny they are. Lucky betches.
Tagline: Paint me in whatever light you want. I’ll just keep painting with all the colors of the wind.
Aurora aka Melissa Gorga
Why: This season, Melissa decided she wanted to open a clothing boutique despite the fact that she has no design and/or business experience whatsoever. #HousewivesProbs. Aurora tried to do the same thing once but ended up pricking her finger on a spindle because she didn’t know how to use it. She was so embarrassed, she blamed the whole thing on Maleficent and played the damsel card so her fuckboy would finally commit. Speaking of fuckboys. Sounds a lot like Melissa’s husband, Joe.
Tagline: I used to sleep through life. Now I’m living the dream.
Mulan aka Teresa Giudice
Why: Back in the day, it was illegal for women in China to fight for their country. Seems archaic and stupid, but it was the law. A law Mulan broke and got caught for. Same shit happened to Teresa. The big difference is Mulan ended up getting pardoned because she saved the entire country from Shan Yu and the Huns, while Teresa ended up doing hard time. Either way, they both brought dishonor to the family.
Tagline: If an avalanche can’t take me down, what makes you think you can?
Rapunzel aka Kyle Richards
Why: The hair. There is no other reason because no other reason is needed.
Tagline: If you’re jealous of my castle, just wait till you see my hair.
Tiana aka Kandi Burruss
Why: In a world of housewives who think they have vocal talent, Kandi is actually a really amazing singer and songwriter. All the princesses are pretty good. It’s part of the job. But Tiana wipes the floor with all of them when it comes to carrying a tune. Sorry, Cinderella. Kandi and Tiana also seem to be in semi-healthy relationships. Unlike some of her fellow princesses, Tiana took the time to get to know and fall in love with Naveen before, ya know, committing her whole fucking life to him. Kandi and her bae, Todd, seem pretty normal by Bravo standards.
Tagline: I was a girl then I was a frog and now I’m a princess. What I’ll be next is anybody’s guess.
Elsa aka Carole Radziwill
Why: We call them all Disney princesses, but that’s not 100% true because Elsa isn’t a princess. She’s a fucking snow queen. Carole can relate because she’s not just rich and successful like her fellow wives. Her late husband was a Polish prince and nephew to JFK and Jackie, so like, kind of a BFD. Carole is the closest thing to monarchy New York has (sorry, Anna Wintour. You’re not royalty) and Manhattan is cold af.
Tagline: Some people will tell you I’m a cold-hearted bitch. You should listen.
While historically Disney doesn’t exactly have the best rep for being inclusive or tolerant (Google Walt Disney—he was notttt the most chill guy when it came to anyone who was not white, Christian, and male), our favorite princess movies have really gotten their act together, especially more recently. But even before Disney set the world aflame by—gasp—having two male characters kiss, the princesses knew what the fuck was up. Like, even before we knew what feminism was or why we needed it in our lives, the Disney princesses were serving up a big ol’ slice of feminist pie in their movies. Not all of them—lookin’ at you, Princess “give up my best attribute in hopes of kissing a guy” Ariel—but a lot of them were woke af. So we’re taking the time to celebrate these animated feminist heroes. Below, the most feminist Disney princesses, in no particular order because we’re not about pitting women against each other (today).
Belle was a fucking G. Who knew women in 18th-century provincial France were already woke? I mean, this is the country that brought us Joan of Arc, so it all makes sense. Anyway, Belle was the original Strong Woman Who Don’t Need No Man™. When fuckboy suitors (ahem, Gaston) came calling, she didn’t let them or society pressure her into getting married so she could leave her father’s house and embark on an exciting career of cleaning the house and grocery shopping. She fought for her right to be left TF alone so she could read her books. Speaking of books, Belle was obvi smart AF, and you all know how we feel about smart women: we love them, the GOP hates them.
Unlike the girls from your sorority whose highest aspirations were to obtain an MRS degree, Tiana dreams of opening her own business—a restaurant, no less. From what I’ve gathered from watching a shameless number of hours of Kitchen Nightmares and Bar Rescue, I know that opening a restaurant is the riskiest business venture there is. Tiana is not some rando with an Etsy jewelry shop—she is the real deal. She works two jobs to earn enough money to turn some random sugar mill into a restaurant, and we wholeheartedly respect her hustle. Also, despite all Naveen’s charm and obvious good looks, Tiana doesn’t fawn over him right away because she knows getting tangled up with a fuckboy is only going to hinder her dreams. Smart girl.
Meg is independent AF, almost aggressively so. She isn’t your damsel who needs to be rescued, and her only weakness—before Hercules comes along and fucks up her shit—is “weak ankles.” Which, incidentally, is the same answer I give in job interviews.
^I’m just gonna leave that there. Jasmine has fucking integrity. When random princes from far-away kingdoms come knocking, she is not impressed—if Jasmine gets married, she’s doing it for love and not for money or power. That is also what I tell my dad when he asks why I’m 25 and still single. Anyway, Jasmine isn’t afraid to speak her mind, even if her dad gets mad at her and an evil sorcerer almost kills her and the man she loves in the process. That takes a special kind of bravery. And while we are not down with the way women are too often seen as sex objects, we can understand why Jasmine would use her sexuality to distract the crazed psychopathic sorcerer-turned-genie who is trying to drown the guy she actually likes in a life-sized hourglass. It is a practice more commonly known as “working with what you’ve got.”
Do I even have to explain it? Fine, I’ll do it. Mulan A) defies gender roles and joins the army even though doing so could get her killed B) is a fucking badass warrior C) FUCKING SAVES CHINA FROM A HUN INVASION SINGLE-HANDEDLY. Ya. Sorry Shiang and your band of (lovable) clowns. You ain’t shit. Mulan for Emperor! Ayayayay!
For some reason I still don’t understand, it took until 2013 for a Disney princess to realize that it’s completely ridiculous to marry a guy she’s only known for a day. Like, way to be slow on the upkeep, Disney. Elsa is QUEEN which obviously demands respect. Because of her special powers, Elsa was brought down by her family for her entire life until one day she just said “fuck it, I can’t let the haters keep me down anymore” and went off on her own and built her own ice palace where she could do whatever the fuck she wanted. Is Elsa every feminist, and are Elsa’s parents and the kingdom in general an allegory for the patriarchy? Who’s to say? Well, me, and I’m saying yes.
Yeah we all know Brave as a movie was garbage, but at least it brought us Merida. This girl doesn’t care about fuckboys or doing “typical feminine” things—which we resent as a concept anyway because gender roles are bullshit. Merida is also super good at archery even though it’s a typical “male” sport and if her mom had her way, she’d be wearing dresses and attending etiquette classes or whatever women were “supposed” to do back then. Merida is basically the Scottish Katniss Everdeen, sans Hunger Games—only Merida is like, 12 years old, I think. She also does not give a single fuck about her appearance, despite having a gorg head of red hair, which is just another “fuck you” to the patriarchy and society’s beauty standards. I am here for it.
Pocahontas is smart as hell and independent af—and no, I don’t mean that because her best friends are a raccoon and a tree. Our girl P-Money (K, I’ll stop) stands up to her dad who’s not an ordinary dad, he’s a cool dad the fucking chief. And I mean that not like how your dad calls everybody “chief” as a term of endearment, but in the way Native American people say it, which is more meaningful I think. Like, I’m afraid to ask my dad for money because I blew out my tire again—imagine asking him for the ability to make your own decisions and forge your own destiny. Yah, it’s a BFD. Pocahontas makes the cardinal mistake of falling for a racist white man, BUT at the end when she’s given the choice between living with racist-turned-bae John Smith or staying and helping her tribe, she chooses the later. Pocahontas probably invented the phrase “hoes before bros” because she’s a down-ass bitch. She is quite literally ride or die.
The live action Beauty and The Beast opened last week and has already made over $392 million worldwide. Not bad for a story about a woman who falls in love with a giant ram-cat. For the past year and a half, Beauty and The Beast has been fucking everywhere. Like, you can barely browse Twitter on the toilet these days without running into a video of Emma Watson talking about how kidnapping is actually feminist now or a Medium post about what Disney’s “exclusively gay moment” could mean for trans candelabras. All this talk about Emma Watson’s tits and gay Lefou got us thinking, when was the last time we checked in with the OG 1991 animated version? Like, no offense to Emma and co but this new one is basically a shot-for-shot remake but with bad autotune and one scene where two men men make eye contact. Also Belle is like, an inventor or some shit. Very progressive.
And let’s face it, while Emma Watson’s transformation from ugly duckling who loves books to hot person who loves books is fascinating, she’ll never hold a candle (or a tune – my dad) to the animated Belle whose face was stamped on our backpacks, lunchboxes, and birthday decorations for basically all of elementary school.
So how does OG BATB hold up now that we can like, read and count and shit? Let’s investigate:
We open on a flashback. The narrator, who we never hear from again, starts going in on The Beast. He calls him “spoiled, selfish, and unkind,” and tells us all about how he once didn’t let a random homeless lady into his house. Turns out the homeless lady was really a beautiful enchantress who is totally pissed The Not-Yet-Beast didn’t let her into his house. She turns him into a beast, and in a dick move, she includes all his servants and shit in the curse as well. Then she hands him a magic mirror and a rose, tells him he’d better find love before his 21st birthday, and GTFOs.
Sidebar: If The Beast is only 20 at the end, and Lumiere says they’ve been in the castle for eleven years, then does that mean The Beast is like 10 years old when this happened? Eternal life as a monster seems like kind of a harsh punishment for a kid who didn’t want to talk to strangers. Isn’t this what we tell 10-year-olds to do? It’s stranger danger, not stranger danger unless you think the stranger is secretly an enchantress. Come on, Disney.
Cut to Belle’s shitty college town. Belle kicks off the movie with a musical number where she walks around talking shit on everyone in her immediate area. “The baker always has the same bread,” “This town is poor and provincial,” “Marie’s baguettes are tacky AF,” that kind of thing.
But as much shit as Belle talks about the town, the town talks equal amounts of shit about her. Mainly because she likes to read, which is strange for women in this town, who spend most of their time wandering around buying food and screaming “I NEED SIX EGGS” at anyone who will listen.
Cue Gaston shooting a goose out of the sky. Gaston tells LeFou (who is gay, I guess) that he’s going to marry Belle because she’s the hottest person in town and despite the presence of three identical boob sisters. Gaston never addresses why he does not find the Tit Triplets as acceptable wives. They’re probably from a lower tier sorority or something like that.
Belle and Gaston have a conversation that is literally cringeworthy. Like, if it was a Tinder message, it would have gone like this:
GASTON: Hey girl what’s up?
BELLE: Nothing. Just reading.
GASTON: Howabout you read this DICK tho?
BELLE: I’m not interested.
GASTON: Bitch ur fat anyway.
Then LeFou makes shit worse by calling Belle’s dad crazy, probably as some kind of a distraction from his own sexuality.
Now we meet Belle’s dad, who actually does seem kind of crazy. He’s building some kind of wooden steam car that honestly looks like a pile of shit. He announces that he’ll be dragging his his monstrous invention to a “convention” and then promptly gets himself, and his horse Felipe, lost in the damn woods because literally all the men in Belle’s life are fully incompetent.
Crazy-Ass Maurice: This can’t be right! Where have you taken us Felipe?
Felipe: Um I’m a fucking horse dude it’s not my job to know the directions.
Felipe then says “fuck this I’m not paid enough for this” and bolts, leaving Belle’s dad to be eaten by wolves. To avoid being eaten, Maurice breaks into The Beast’s castle and raises absolutely 0 red flags when all the appliances start talking to him and settling him into a nice seat by the fire. Because, again, men are fully incompetent. The Beast flips the fuck out when he sees Belle’s dad getting all pampered and shit.
Beast: You’re here to look at the hideous Beast!!!
Crazy-Ass Maurice: Chill dude I didn’t even know you were here.
Beast: See you in the dungeon bitch byeeeeeeeee!!!
Cut back to Belle, who is so disgusted by the fact that Gaston just planned a literal wedding without her that she makes like any woman who just got hit on by any gross guy at the club and runs the fuck into the woods, where she finds Felipe.
Belle: Felipe? Where is my dad? He’s too crazy to be out alone!
Felipe: Your dad was actually a huge dick to me so I bounced.
Belle arrives at The Beast’s castle, where Cogsworth is going off on Lumiere for being nice to Belle’s dad in the first place. All the servant appliances realize that Belle is there, and commence flipping the fuck out.
Lumiere: Shes the one! The girl to break the spell!
Cogsworth: Well let’s hold up just one second we literally know nothing about this person.
Belle finds her dad in The Beast’s dungeon, where The Beast promptly shows up. Belle is not at all bothered by The Beast’s presence, and is like “Have you seen the other dudes I deal with on a daily basis? This is nothing. Take me instead.”
The Beast, realizing that learning to love will probably be much easier with Belle than her dad, decides that’s a pretty good option, as long as she promises to stay forever (because that might be how long it takes for an attractive human woman to fall in love with an enormous horned cat).
And so Belle and The Beast’s romance begins. Their Tinder convo would go something like…
The Beast: Hey girl, you wanna get dinner later?
Belle: Sorry. Not interested. You kidnapped my dad.
The Beast: YOU WILL JOIN ME FOR DINNER THAT’S NOT A REQUEST!!!!!!!
Cut back to Gaston, who is literally furious about Belle refusing his proposal and about two seconds away from starting a men’s rights group on Reddit.
LeFou then sings a whole song about how hot Gaston is, referencing his thick “neck” and the cleft in his chin and how “not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny” and how “nobody spits like Gaston” and a bunch of other things that we all now know were some pretty clear signs that LeFou wanted to be more than just Gaston’s gap-toothed sidekick.
The pride parade gets broken up by Crazy-Ass Maurice who tells everyone at the bar that The Beast has Belle. Gaston begins to form a plan, and LeFou goes home to do some deep Googling and consider moving to a less provincial, more liberal town where nobody knows him.
Cut back to Belle doing the very Disney thing of crying dramatically on the bed. Mrs. Potts and the wardrobe show up and Belle is like “omg thank god some fucking women. Can one of you tell me wtf is going on?”
Belle ghosts The Beast for dinner, sending him into a full fuckboy rage spiral.
The Beast: Dinner is ready!
Belle: I already told you I’m not interested.
The Beast: HAHAHA YOU THOUGHT I WAS INTERESTED IN YOU? LOL NO WAY WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA UR UGLY ANYWAY!! BLOCKED!!!
Belle waits a bit, and then sneaks out for some late night cold pizza and then “Be Our Guest” happens, and if every second of “Be Our Guest” isn’t already burned into your memory for all time then maybe go to the doctor because you might be dealing with a Still Alice type situation.
Belle is feeling better after eating and decides its time to break into The Beast’s bedroom and see what his fucking deal is.
The Beast: What are you doing in here? GET OUT! GO!
Belle: I mean, okay sure, I was only staying here because you kidnapped me anyway.
Felipe, who has apparently just been chilling at the castle the whole time, does what Felipe always does and rides their asses into a big old swarm of wolves. The Beast saves Belle from the wolves, but he still brings her back to his castle where she’s a literal captive so how “saved” is she really?
Cut to shady-ass Gaston and closeted LeFou talking to the owner of the insane asylum, who appears to be an actual corpse. We find out that Gaston’s big plan is to get Maurice thrown into the asylum unless she agrees to marry him. Gaston appears to not have noticed that Belle is like, not in town right now because she’s been kidnapped. He leaves LeFou to watch the house for Belle and contemplate whether or not the life he’s living now is really serving who he is inside.
Cut back to The Beast’s castle, where he and Belle are friends now. The Beast shows her his big-ass library, and Belle gets horny as hell. The Beast’s bullshit is working. They sing a song about it. The song includes a line “when we touched she didn’t shudder at my paw,” which is fucking horrible.
Things are going well, which is good because it’s almost the beast’s 21st birthday and he’s definitely not getting into any of the good bars in his current state. Like, homeboy looks nothing like his ID.
The servants now plan a romantic evening for the two of them, where they’ll be able to literally dance like nobody (except your enchanted servants) is watching. Belle appears in her signature yellow dress and a thousand years of halloween costumes are born. Everybody goes to bed happy in the certainty that the woman they’ve kidnapped is going to fuck their non-human master.
But of course, The Beast has caught feelings by now, and any time someone catches feelings is right about the time they fucking blow it. The Beast shows Belle her father and lo and behold, he’s right in the middle of a cough. This is enough for The Beast to release her. Belle GTFOs immediately, fully ruining The Beast’s 21st birthday plans.
Cogsworth: Where is Belle?
The Beast: I let her go. I love her.
Cogsworth: You selfish fuck this isn’t just about you!! What about all of us?!? Chip is a CHILD for gods sake!!!
Belle shows up at her father’s house and LeFou wakes up from daydreaming about a weekend on Fire Island to alert Gaston. The Insane Asylum man arrives pretty fast for an era in which there were no cellphones and Belle has to show them The Beast is real in order to save her dad from going to rehab.
Belle: My father isn’t crazy! Look! I can show you The Beast right here in this magic mirror!
Gaston: Wait, The Beast is real? We should definitely kill him!
Belle: Oh fuck…
The battle begins, and somehow a group of humans with guns are totally unable to beat an army of kitchen appliances with tomatoes. Lefou threatens to melt Lumiere, probably because he is jealous of Lumiere’s free wheeling and sexually liberated lifestyle, but ultimately there are no casualties.
Belle and motherfucking Felipe show up just in time to see Gaston and The Beast fighting in the rain on the roof. Gaston keeps screaming about how he’s going to kill The Beast and make Belle his wife, but then the beast comes back hard like “dude I am a mythical creature and you’re just a regular human, plus even if you kill me Belle will still say no to marrying you soooo….”
The Beast is about to kill Gaston, but then he sees Belle’s face and lets him go, which is a pretty bad move because Gaston straight-up stabs him and falls of the roof like a minute later.
Now Gaston is gone and The Beast is dying. Belle is finally rid of all these corny-ass dudes who have been bothering her. Unfortunately for feminism, Belle has actually caught feelings for her captor, and love is powerful enough to turn him hot again. Just in time for half-off shots.
Everyone is restored to their former hottness, and we know Belle is def really in love with The Beast because she doesn’t even leave him when she finds out he’s a ginger.
The movie ends with Chip, the only one of these people who will actually get to live a full life as a human, talking to his mom.
Chip: Will they live happily ever after mama?
Mrs. Potts: Of course they will, baby. This is fucking Disney.