Over the last six months, I’ve burned through basically every form of entertainment at an alarming pace. True crime miniseries, dozens of hours of Bravo, every prestigious movie that I missed from the last decade—you name it, I’ve probably watched too much of it in quarantine. But when I get to the bottom of my watchlist, or don’t feel like getting into another documentary about murder, Disney movies are always the perfect solution. Now that Disney+ is a thing, almost every classic animated movie is right at my fingertips, just waiting to be rewatched while I
pretend to work spend my evenings at home.
Obviously, revisiting these childhood favorites is a lot of fun, but there are certain things that just don’t add up when you’re over the age of 13. No shade to Disney or whatever, but some of their movies low-key make no sense. Okay—maybe some shade. From cringeworthy details to plot holes that definitely shouldn’t have made the final drafts, here are some of the most burning questions I have about Disney movies.
Why Are The Princesses So Young?
If you want your day ruined, I just found out that Snow White is supposedly 14 years old living in a house with 7 strange men
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) September 22, 2020
The other day, one of my coworkers informed me that Snow White is supposed to be just 14 years old, and after recovering from my initial disgust, I felt the need to do some Googling. Turns out, every single member of the official Disney Princesses lineup is a teenager! While Snow White is the youngest at 14, she’s not the only one who’s a little too mature for her age. Princess Jasmine is just 15; Ariel, Aurora, Mulan, Moana, and Merida are 16; Belle is 17; Pocahontas and Rapunzel are 18; and Tiana and Cinderella are 19. Keep in mind, these are almost all fictional characters, so there’s literally no reason why they need to be so young.
While all of these princesses have different experiences in their respective stories, besides Merida and Moana, they’re each either married or happily coupled up by the end of their movies. What’s with the child brides? At least Snow White is an 80-year-old movie, but with characters like Belle and Jasmine, Disney was still doing this sh*t in the ’90s! Ew! In recent years, Disney has worked to bring more racial and cultural diversity into this group, and introduced Princesses whose stories don’t revolve around finding a man, but this age distribution is another problem they should probably look into addressing.
Why Does Pocahontas Speak English?
There’s a lot of problematic stuff happening in Pocahontas, but hey, at least our main character is 18! Pocahontas is the only Disney Princess to be based on a real person, but that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t come with its own set of baffling plot holes. In the movie, we see John Smith coming over from England, and he’s the first white person Pocahontas ever sees. While they both teach each other some words in their respective native languages, they have no actual trouble communicating with each other, because Pocahontas conveniently already speaks English! Obviously, I get why Disney didn’t want to make a kids movie where half of the dialogue was in an extinct Native American dialect, but they definitely could have tried a little harder to portray the language barrier that these two would have had at first. And for a movie that already has some cringeworthy Eurocentric imagery going on, the fact that everyone magically speaks English isn’t helping.
Why Doesn’t The Prince Recognize Cinderella?
Okay, let’s talk about Cinderella. Great movie, love the mice, really identify with the stepsisters, etc. But I just will not allow us to act like the whole part about Prince Charming searching for his mystery woman makes any sense. This dude was traipsing all around the kingdom, making literally any woman he came across try on this glass slipper (we’ll get to that in a minute). I feel like this was a huge waste of time. Did he remember absolutely nothing about what Cindy looked like? Sure, her hair was in an updo, and she was wearing a pretty gown, but it’s not like the Fairy Godmother gave her a face transplant or anything. Here’s the completed makeover look:
Really, Prince Charming? She’s not even wearing one of those dumb little masks like in A Cinderella Story—there’s no disguise happening here! If people only recognized me when my hair was freshly washed and I was wearing fancy clothes, I’d be in big trouble. Did Prince Charming black out and only remember that he was in love, but not a single identifying characteristic about the girl he was obsessed with? There’s just no reason anyone who wasn’t a skinny blonde should have been trying on that nasty shoe in the first place.
WTF Size Shoe Does Cinderella Wear?
Apparently I just have a lot of feelings about Cinderella. Who knew. So, about that glass slipper. Aside from the obvious sanitary issues with dozens (hundreds? thousands??) of people trying on the same shoe in a time when Clorox wipes definitely didn’t exist, the logic of this whole thing makes absolutely no sense. For this ~search~ to actually have happened, Cinderella would need to have either the world’s largest foot or the world’s smallest foot, and for someone with such a perfectly proportioned cartoon body, that just doesn’t seem likely. Let’s just say Cindy has a size 6 foot. What if the Prince had gone to the house of literally any other woman with a size 6 foot before Cindy’s? He would have just married the wrong woman? Was the slipper enchanted so it wouldn’t fit on anyone else’s foot? I know this is a fairytale, and I’m overthinking it, but that’s basically the whole point of this article, so let me live.
Why Didn’t Ariel Just Write Sh*t Down?
There are lots of unrealistic things happening in The Little Mermaid, but I’ll just accept that most of it is ~Disney magic~. But there’s one plot hole so glaring that I can’t just let it slide. When Ariel decides to make the deal with Ursula to get her legs, she signs her name on a contract. Yet later, when her voice is gone and she’s desperately trying to signal to Prince Eric that she’s the one he loves, it never occurs to her to just find a piece of paper and write it down. Or she could have written a message in the sand! Come on girl, be resourceful! There are truly so many ways she could have gotten her point across in writing, but nope, she just watched as her true love was nearly seduced by Ursula. Ariel may not have had a voice, but did Ursula also take her brain?
I know these princess fairytale movies aren’t exactly supposed to be realistic, but in my opinion, magic and enchantment only go so far. In general, I feel like the screenplays of all of these movies could’ve used one more draft to smooth out some of the inconsistencies, but clearly Disney isn’t that concerned. But please, for the love of god, stop making all the princesses so young!
Images: Fer Gregory / Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
I don’t understand the obsession grown women still have with Disney princesses. Like, I love Disney as much as everyone else, but why, why, why does anyone pretend to be and dress like a Disney princess? It’s 2018, guys, we’re feminists now. It’s like, oh, do you want to be the woman that slept through her entire movie while waiting for a man to kiss her (this actually applies to TWO princesses)? Or the woman who cleaned her stepmom’s house until a man bought her off? Or, recently, you’re all obsessed with a certain bitch who learned a very valuable lesson: looks aren’t important, and neither is aggression or abuse, as long as he’s rich. To add to our sad tirade of grown-ass women’s obsession with princess shit, TOMS has now collaborated with Disney. That’s right, Disney princess TOMS exist, and all I can say is: Why? Why would you do that?
— POPSUGAR Fashion (@POPSUGARFashion) April 19, 2018
First of all, I hate TOMS on the best of days. They are ugly, sorry not sorry. The front of them is always weird and saggy and reminds me of a sad, flaccid penis. They are weird.
— WDW News Today (@WDWNT) April 20, 2018
Chiara Ferragni Minnie Mouse Glove Mules
Like, what the fuck? Who are these people that spend $400 on Mickey Mouse glove shoes? Buy some Valentino’s on sale, you weirdos.
As we all know, the world is a literal ball of flames, but there are some things that still matter. Namely, the betchiness of some of our favorite Disney princesses. Now, by virtue of being princesses, all the Disney girls are fairly betchy, but here is our ranking of the most, and least, of them all. If your favorite princess is missing, it is because they are middle-of-the-road betchy and I don’t have the time for that. If you’re upset, remind yourself that Donald Trump is literally president and there is other shit to worry about rn.
Ariel is the betchiest of the princesses for a number of reasons. For one, she is 16, which is the second betchiest age after 21. She starts shit off strong by both arriving late for the shell-based all-mermaid choir that she is a part of (nice extracurriculars, Ar), and being the youngest and hottest of her sisters. She then continues the betchiness by being a little shit to her dad, who she refers to exclusively as “Daaaaaadddyyyyy,” and disregards all of his advice in favor of chilling in her giant room full of shit she doesn’t need and pursuing a hot rich guy that she saw once—and that’s literally, like, the first five minutes of the movie. Ariel is then able to snag said dude (who is too nervous to kiss her BTW) without having to say shit, and beats out some wack-ass brunette in the process. Also, Ariel is a mermaid and only wears a bra. Case. Closed.
Sleeping Beauty is hands down the betchiest of the classic princesses, mainly because she barely does anything and yet everyone is obsessed with her. People follow her around all day making sure that she wears the right color (pink! blue!), and, much like Ariel, she is able to snag a hot rich boyfriend just by being casually hot one day in the forest. Aurora (that’s her name, btw) then proceeds to full on nap through the most exciting part of her movie, only to wake up once her boyfriend has handled everything and that annoying rando Maleficent is dead or whatever. The only thing keeping Aurora from the top spot on the list is that she is basically boring. Like, she seems like the type of girl who wouldn’t even get kicked out of the bar on her birthday. Also, let’s not forget the time she went into the forget and pretended that old clothes filled with animals were her boyfriend. That shit is delusional dating to the extreme. Second place.
Jasmine snags third place because of her incredible contribution to the art of wearing crop tops. Her waist, which is somehow half the size of Jafar’s hand, will not be forgotten. Her bedroom is also the betchiest of all the princesses. We’re talkin’ full vanity, balcony, a lounging couch, a bed covered in drapes, and this chick is only 16 years old. She’s immediately shitty to any dude who tries to talk to her, and is a gold medalist in Throwing Yourself On Your Bed And Sobbing. She’s in third place here for a very simple reason – why tf wouldn’t you want a rich boyfriend? Like, you have princes knocking down your door and yet somehow you’re infatuated with a dude in ripped up harem pants and a mattress on the floor? No fucking thank you. Get your priorities straight. Even Aladdin knew he had to pretend to be rich to be with you. Have some fucking respect for yourself.
Snow White is another princess who chooses to nap through the climax of her own story, which is noble AF, but ultimately she is kind of a dud. Like, why do you love cleaning so much? And how do you not know that you’re the fairest of them all? Any true betch has a full ranking of the hotness of every girl she’s ever met relative to herself running in her mind at all times. Also, your voice is annoying and wtf are you wearing? A yellow skirt, blue princess cut top, and like…a popped collar? Honey, that is a goddamn mess. Good on you for only ever allowing yourself to be seen eating an apple, though. Fourth place.
Again, this is a chick who needs to have some goddamn respect for herself. You are blond, impossibly thin, and have tiny feet. You do not need to be cleaning some uggo’s house. Go look in the mirror and tell your stepsisters to get fucking steppin.’ Any true betch would know that you absolutely do not have to listen to your step mom ever. If you want to go to the ball, just fucking sneak out your window and go. When you show up hungover in the morning and she asks where you were, yell “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM,” and lock your goddamn door. It’s literally that simple. Also, you’re legit gonna come home in time for curfew? Really? Midnight is literally when you should be arriving to a party. But, again, she is skinny and blond which is an accomplishment in and of itself, so good for you Cindy. Fifth place.
Okay, so I’m sorry but Pocahontas is a dud. First of all, yes, you should marry Kokoum. He is hotter and not wearing a shirt and didn’t come on a boat made of racism to kill your family. So yeah, marry Kokoum. Secondly, get a better friend group. It’s the 1600s. There are like, a ton of other Native American humans for you to be friends with, but you’re hanging with a raccoon, a bird, and a fucking tree with an old lady’s face? Get with it. You know Nakoma is only hanging out with you because you were friends as kids and her mom says she has to. Sorry but it’s true.
Ugh. Here’s a girl you know brags about having “mostly guy friends.” It’s like, you are getting your hair and makeup done free of charge and you’re not even grateful. Do you know how much I would kill for a free updo with a jade pin and a full face of makeup? Get your priorities straight. “Saving China” should not come before looking fly AF.
Nope. No. Sorry. Get your fucking look together. You have beautiful curly red hair. Literally all you need is leave in conditioner and your ginger ass would look amazing, but instead you’re all fucking over the place. I’d criticize Merida more on the content of her movie, but I fell asleep during this movie because it was so damn boring. Sing a fucking song. Nobody cares that your mom is a bear. Bye.
DUD. DUD. DUD. THE HOTTEST GUY IN TOWN WANTS TO MARRY YOU BUT YOU WOULD RATHER MARRY A GIANT CAT WHO KIDNAPPED YOU. THIS IS LEGIT MENTAL ILLNESS. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF THE BOOKS AND SEE A PROFESSIONAL. SILVERWARE IS NOT A FRIEND GROUP. SEEK. FUCKING. HELP. LAST PLACE.
Images: Giphy (9)
Wedding season is almost upon us, meaning that it is nearly time for us to spend thousands of dollars on outfits and hair in hopes that a photographer will get a good candid of you that will serve as your prof pic for the rest of time. It’s an important time. Over the next few months, every couple whose engagement photos took over your news feed this year will again flood your newsfeed with pictures of their “Under The Tuscan Sun” themed wedding, at which point you will be free to look through every possible image of the event and judge whether or not it looked fun or tacky AF. Given that every wedding occurs within a 3 month period of time, a lot of couples will go out of their way to try and make theirs stand out amongst all the outdoor-rustic-sunset-mason-jar-wilderness weddings that seem to be out there and some of them will, inevitably, be extra. Here’s our list of 7 wedding themes that absolutely stop, or at least be viciously shaded in your group chat.
1. The Disney Wedding
We all have that one friend who is still obsessed with Disney despite the fact that they are now a grown person who does taxes and shit. When two such people inevitably meet by being placed in the same log on Splash Moutain, there will be a Disney themed wedding in your future. Either that, or the bride is just extremely overbearing and immature and the groom just doesn’t care. There are several issues with this: first off, no matter how beautiful a bride you are, or how long your fucking hair is, you are not a princess. You’re just not. When this wedding is done you and your husband will go back to your shitty apartment, make a Blue Apron, and watch Netflix. No magic carpet or castles involved. Secondly, you two are adults, and we are gathered here today to celebrate the fact that you will bang only each other for the rest of time. Let’s leave the children’s characters out of this. Third, and most importantly, it’s just not original. Google “Disney themed wedding.” Do it. Your computer will literally overheat just trying to load the results. This idea is so unoriginal that Disney literally has an entire website that is literally called DisneyWeddings.com dedicated to helping facilitate these freaks celebrate their love by pretending to be a fictional couple with troubling gender roles for a day. If you’re going to waste your wedding on a theme that screams “I am dissatisfied with my adult life” at least make it original. I know you guys want to live “happily ever after” but the way to do that is by learning about practical decision making, not whatever this bullshit is:
2. Destination Weddings
Destination weddings sound fun in theory. Who doesn’t want to go on vacation? But what they really are is a giant pain in the ass for everyone involved. Like, yes, spending a week in Bali sounds amazing, but spending a week in Bali with my high school lab partner, her new husband, and all of their extended family sounds less so. Also, I was saving up money and vacation days to go on my own fucking vacation where I could focus on me and do whatever the fuck I want. Now I gotta allocate some of my precious paid vacation and alcohol savings account to flying on Virgin America with you and 300 of your closest friends? No thank you. Just have your wedding in a nearby mansion that once housed slaves like a respectable person.
3. Harry Potter Weddings
Last year, Buzzfeed ran an article called “This Harry Potter Wedding Was Tasteful AF” and, spoiler alert, it was not (also Snape kills Dumbledore). You need only to look at the very first image of the bride and groom as Azkaban prisoners to see the truth. Harry Potter themed weddings are cute for about 5 minutes until you realize that butterbeer is actually really fattening, and “Hedwig’s Theme” is not nearly as fun to drunkenly sing along to as “Shout!” or “Hey Ya.” And look, I’m sorry, it seems like this couple spent a lot of money on this wedding and a lot of time thinking about detail but the bottom line is nobody gives a fuck. Seriously. You spent thousands of dollars on a cathedral and handmade wands for all of your guests that they will probably lose by the end of the night because, guess what, weddings are for getting drunk. Nobody will remember your golden snitch accent bracelet, or the fact that the shots came in little potion vials. They’re going to remember part of the ceremony and waking up in a cold sweat next to one of your groomsmen feeling like they just got hit by the Knight Bus. For all that money you could have gone to Harry Potter World in Orlando like four thousand times. Also don’t think I didn’t notice that you must have destroyed like 50 Harry Potter books to make that bouquet. Hermione would not be pleased.
4) Alice In Wonderland Wedding
This is a subset of the “Disney Wedding” for people who still shop at Hot Topic. We get it. You’re “dark”. You like the Disney movie that is about a little girl on an acid trip. You’re just a regular Tim Burton, aren’t you? We’re all so impressed. If you need any more proof of what type of person sends out wedding invitations that read “We’re All Mad Here!” then might I remind you that the most famous couple to ever utilize this theme was Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Is that really who you want to be associated with? The only way that this theme could be worse if you added a Nightmare Before Christmas reception and dressed up your bridesmaids like Beetlejuice. If you really want to be edgy, don’t have a fucking wedding. No need to confuse the fuck out of your 95-year-old great aunt Muriel when instead of a priest you have a grown man in a pink cat costume reading riddles at you.
5. Rustic Hipster Barn Wedding
This wedding was really cool the first four thousand times, but now it is just over. I’m sorry. I can’t drink out of any more mason jars, and if I see another fairy light, I will explode. I don’t need to receive a free Polaroid camera with my place setting, and I definitely do not need to be dancing anywhere in the vicinity of an actual barn, farm, or livestock of any kind. Please just get a reception hall where there is no chance that I get drunk AF and wake up next to a live pig. People use these weddings to seem low-key and thrifty, but anyone who has ever been to one knows the truth. These weddings cost a shitload of money and take forever to plan. Are you seriously telling me that making your own DIY reclaimed wood place settings is more chill than just hiring a fucking wedding planner? I see you, rich hipsters. We all see you.
6. Native American Wedding (If You Are Not Native American)
When planning a Native American themed wedding, ask yourself one question: Am I Native American? Is my partner Native American? If the answer is “yes” to one or both of these questions, then proceed. If the answer is no—halt. Pause. Do not continue. Recall your invitations. It is 2017. We’re not dressing up like other cultures anymore. We’re not doing it. I get that you’re into yoga and wearing a bindi is fun, but Indian weddings are for Indian people. Same goes for Japanese weddings, no matter how “into anime” you are. Throwing an ethnic wedding for a race you are not a part of is a very good way to get on a Buzzfeed list of the 10 Most Cringeworthy Weddings or to be the subject of some righteous liberal Twitter freakout that will only end when you and every member of your family either changes their name or dies. Don’t believe me? Just ask the Shermans, whose Native American themed wedding featuring absolutely 0 Native Americans spawned this Daily Mail article and at least a thousand years of nightmares.
7. Shrek Wedding
As far as I can tell, the “Shrek Wedding” has only happened once, but I think we can all agree that humanity needs to do everything in its power to ensure that it never happens again. Why would anyone ever want to have a Shrek wedding? Honestly, I can’t say. I can’t get my mind into that place. And why would anyone, even if they were going to have a Shrek wedding, choose to dress up as Shrek and Fiona in ogre form, rather than in prince/princess form? There is truly no explanation other than that there are a lot of fucked up people in this world and sometimes two of them meet and get married.
I would just like to go one day where I don’t want to throat punch someone for sporting the latest dumbass “fashion” trend. But sadly, today is not that day because I just found out that someone
is trying to ruin my life just came out with a Disney princess bikini line.
We’ve already established which bathing suits are best for your summer bod, and trust us, these will not be making the list. Whoever came up with this idea to
personally victimize me capitalize on the Disney Princess trend is going in my personal burn book. Because now this heinous trend is invading a v important aspect of my life: the beach. The beach is a sanctuary, people. Someplace where I can do two very important things: nap and day drink. I need this place so I can forget the fact that we live in a world where people wear flower crowns and drop crotch pants of their own volition. But now, because we can’t have nice things, the beach isn’t even a safe place anymore.
But back to the bikini line. Enchanted Bikinis has taken it upon themselves to create their own line of Disney-themed swimsuits even though no one fucking asked them to. There will be a bikini for each of the major Disney Princesses including Snow White, Belle, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Jasmine, Ariel, and Pocahontas. As if I didn’t have enough of a complex with my summer body, now you want me to squeeze into a bikini that channels my childhood heroes? That’s asking a lot of someone who just spent the last four months binge eating cheese and drinking red wine.
Also, grown women wearing princess costumes at the beach IS NOT OKAY. I mean, I get that we’ve all had that fantasy of being a princess and having Prince Charming come and sweep us off our feet, but like, I left that dream behind after my first jungle-themed frat party. Something about watching a guy shotgun a beer in a leopard print skirt really kills that dream for a girl. Sighs.
My favorite part about this bikini line—if you were to like put a gun to my head, threaten my life, and force me to choose—is probs the mission statement: “…To let the princess in you glow and enchant everyone and everything around, when you wear your Enchanted bikini. We believe that every woman can feel this way without putting on a costume.” Lol k. Let’s just see about this, shall we?
Okay, every girl in this picture is legit wearing a wig to the beach. And that one girl on the end is carrying a braid larger than my body rn. How is this not a costume again? HOW? Seriously. I’ll wait…
Jesus. This girl needs to hi-ho her ass back to the castle because if I see this shit on the beach I’m not sure I can be held responsible for my actions.
It’s like the people at Enchanted Bikinis thought, “have we humiliated the Native American people enough with this false narrative?” and they said, “no, let’s put her in a bikini!”
Tbh I’m surprised they didn’t just use her hair as a substitute for a top. This seems like a brand that would cut corners. Also like a brand that fosters my rage issues.
I think Pocahontas’ face in the saddest group picture ever just about sums up all of my thoughts regarding this bikini line.
The look of someone who’s contemplating how many drinks it will take her to forget that she’s a twentysomething woman wearing a child’s costume in public.
It’s unclear as to how many actual female women will wear such a thing in a public, but then again people sell laxative tea for Instagram followers, so there’s no limit to the amount of desperate shit people will pull. The one thing I know for sure is that Halloween costumes are about to be a whole lot sluttier. People were already wearing bras as tops, so I can only image what my sorority sisters people will be wearing this year now that bikini costumes are a thing. So should I start drinking now to prepare myself or…?