Well, I just looked up from doomscrolling Twitter, and apparently it’s fall now? WTF. March was yesterday, and also 10,000 years ago. I won’t lie—there’s a lot going on that’s interfering with my typical unparalleled enjoyment of *spooky season*. But, despite the odds, the seasons do continue to change, even as the world (and literally the entire West Coast) burns, and I’m going to enjoy it by injecting an extremely unnecessary amount of pumpkin into everything I put into my mouth for the next month. We’re all just finding joy where we can right now, okay?
Honestly, I have always loved this time of year. There’s really never been a better time to attach yourself to a couch and watch something that’s both terrifying and comfortingly fictional. Whether you’re obsessed with the gross and gory or you prefer a horrifying mind-trip, there’s plenty of content out there to satisfy or scare the hell out of you, depending on what you’re into. As an air sign, it is admittedly hard to focus my attention completely on one thing, so I tend to be drawn toward psychological and romantic thrillers as well as mysteries with enough twists and turns to keep my interest piqued. I also tend to have 78 projects going at once and a tendency to talk sh*t, but that’s neither here nor there. More to the point, I have a ton of obsessive TV-watching expertise, so whether your zodiac element is fire, earth, water, or air, I’ve got a recommendation for the best spooky season content for you.
Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn
Y’all are a logical, grounded bunch. You’re used to friends coming to you for advice, and you’re hands down the best at keeping a secret because you’re loyal as hell. You crave stability and structure, and a gaping plot hole makes you angry for days.
I suggest you watch Away on Netflix, a new sci-fi drama featuring Hilary Swank as an astronaut sent on the first ever expedition to Mars with her flight crew. It’ll give you a new sense of gratitude that your significant other is on the same planet as you. Another suggestion for you is post-apocalyptic thriller Bird Box on Netflix. If you didn’t see it already, it’s a great combo of gritty, physical drama with a twist that makes it more unique than your typical scary movie. Same with A Quiet Place on Hulu; it’s scary and silent, like the virus terrorizing us right now. Maybe too real?
Oldies like the classic psychological thriller Silence of the Lambs, streaming on Netflix, are also a solid choice because they’re scary but you probably know what happens—so you can revisit a fav without being so terrified that you curl up in a ball and are too afraid to get up to pee in the middle of the night. If you’re both brave and just dying for something new, try the horror crime drama series The Outsider on HBO Max. It’s based on a Stephen King novel that I found heart-stoppingly frightening because, well, duh, it’s Stephen King, but also compelling AF.
Gemini, Libra, Aquarius
Air signs are all about communication. Above all, you need something entertaining, super intellectually stimulating, and that can satisfy your need to delve into the abstract while also being emotional and dramatic enough to keep your attention away from your phone. Not an easy feat.
Just released on Netflix, supernatural horror series The Haunting of Bly Manor is a must-watch for air signs. The limited series is based on the most terrifying book I’ve ever read in my life, The Turn of the Screw by Henry James, and it’s truly haunting because there’s never a clear conclusion to the horror. and there are multiple interpretations of which perspective is the truth. It’s sure to engage the part of an air sign brain that loves conceptual thinking and also enjoys bone-chilling terror on multiple psychological levels! You won’t fall asleep until it’s starting to get light outside, but you live for that kind of mental stimulation anyway.
Another good choice for supernatural horror is The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix. Creepy but fascinating, and focused on female power, the whole “deciding between dark and light” dichotomy will appeal to air signs especially, who tend to see the world in shades of gray and believe there are three sides to every story. For the same reason, I also recommend the first season of crime-horror drama Evil, also streaming on Netflix. It’s a show with plotlines that leave plenty of room for opinionated debate, which is your favorite workout. I also recommend something truly frightening or with some twists, but that isn’t totally disgusting, since blood and gore can be a bit too in your face for an air sign. Horror-thriller movie The Invisible Man is new on HBO, starring the incomparable Elisabeth Moss.
Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Passionate, fiery, and driven: you guessed it; it’s the fire signs. Voted most likely to hog the microphone at the bar on karaoke night, this element’s signs are also prone to tantrums when they don’t get their way. No judgment. This group is full of charisma and charm, and this lineup will give you all the drama you’ve been craving since March.
You’re missing the high of being the center of attention in a crowd. Feeling the urge to go mingle with your neighbors? American Murder: The Family Next Door is a true crime documentary film streaming on Netflix that will fix that. Seriously, be careful when watching this if you’re afraid of losing whatever faith you still have left in humanity. Ratched, a new psychological thriller out on Netflix now, is disturbing enough to be entertaining without making you hide in a closet if you watch it alone. Plus, there are some steamy scenes between Sarah Paulson and Miranda aka Cynthia Nixon, and you can watch those with your vibrator because who TF is going to stop you? One of the main themes besides basic terror is also revenge, which speaks to you on a deep level as one of the more aggressive elements.
American Horror Story: Coven, season three of the American Horror Story series, is on Amazon Prime Video and Netflix. So, on your own time, go watch (or re-watch) arguably the show’s best season, which you’re sure to enjoy because it’s all about badass women who like to be in charge and men who ain’t sh*t. Lastly, an especially scary recommendation for one of the bravest elements is the reality series Haunted on Netflix. Real people telling their real-life stories about the horrifying and supernatural things they’ve experienced, reenacted for your entertainment. Watch at your own risk.
Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces
Sensitive, emotional, and naturally empathetic and nurturing, no one gives a better shoulder to cry on than a water sign. For your lineup in these stressful times, you need comfort first and foremost—and preferably some steamy romance you can watch from deep within your duvet. Water signs are also ideal scary movie-watching partners, because your borderline psychic tendencies mean you correctly pick out the twist about halfway through the movie without fail. What water signs need right now though are classics, the favorites, and honestly? I’m most jealous of this lineup.
To start, I recommend Hocus Pocus (Disney+), one of the best Halloween movies of all time—sure to transport you to a time when things were simpler and the biggest problem we faced was the debate on candy corn. Next up on the list are movies The Nightmare Before Christmas (Disney+), or Hotel Transylvania (playing at various times on Freeform or on Hulu with live access), both great animated indulgences if you literally just need to watch a spooky cartoon for a sec, or if you have kids and need them to leave you alone.
All five of the Twilight movies can be streamed on Hulu or Amazon Prime, for those of you who love a guilty pleasure cult-favorite. And, because we know how much you love sex and vampires, True Blood is also streaming on HBO Max, and there are plenty of scenes there to make you swoon into your glass of red wine as you bask in your “kidnapped by a fanged, shirtless angel of the undead” fantasy. If you need something new in your life, horror drama series Lovecraft Country is streaming on HBO Max and is shaping up to be a must-watch.
If you’ve got any other recommendations, please leave them in the comments. Otherwise, grab your sherpa blanket and bottle(s) of wine so you can binge to your heart’s content as you fill out your mail-in ballot! Spooky season has officially arrived.
Images: GIPHY (4), Ehud Neuhaus / Unsplash
Today marks the long-awaited launch of Walt Disney’s streaming service, Disney+. It’s hot on the heels of Apple TV+, which launched less than two weeks ago, and Disney is already projecting that they could reach 101 million subscribers within a few years. The site has even been crashing this morning due to overwhelming traffic.
When it comes to entertainment, Disney+ is a big f*cking deal. In case you didn’t realize, Disney owns most of the shows and movies you love to watch, and their streaming service basically has it all. They’ve got every Marvel movie (except for a few that are on Netflix until 2020), every Pixar movie, and every Star Wars movie. Those things are great, but that’s not even close to everything on Disney+. I subscribed and went through the site to see what it has to offer, and here are some of the most important offerings that I feel like no one is talking about.
Truly, it has never been harder for me to get work done than it is right now, knowing that there are 65 episodes of Lizzie McGuire just sitting there, waiting for me to watch them. The Lizzie McGuire movie is on there too, and of course, we know that filming has already started for the reboot, which will also be on Disney+ next year. What a time to be alive. I would pay $6.99 a month solely for the ability to watch Lizzie McGuire, so it’s safe to say I won’t be canceling my membership anytime soon.
All The Other Disney Channel Shows
I’m definitely most excited about Lizzie McGuire, but pretty much every Disney Channel show from your childhood is available, too. I’m talking Hannah Montana. I’m talking Suite Life. Even Stevens? Absolutely. I haven’t watched these shows in years, because most of them haven’t really been available to stream. Disney knows exactly what they’re doing, and it’s working.
Disney Channel Original Movies
As if the list of Disney Channel shows wasn’t enough, Disney+ also has all the DCOMs you could ever want. It’s taking every ounce of willpower I have not to watch Cadet Kelly right now. You’ve now got instant access to all the Zenon movies, all the High School Musical movies, and, most importantly, Smart House. This content is the exact excuse you need to fire up the group text and have a full-blown sleepover.
Like all the other major streaming services, Disney+ is investing major money into producing original content. There are many projects in the works, from the Lizzie McGuire reboot to a bunch of Marvel series, but there are a handful of things that are ready to stream right now. There’s The Mandalorian, a Star Wars spin-off series; a live-action Lady and the Tramp movie; and a musical series about a production of High School Musical. So meta. There’s also Noelle, a Christmas movie starring Anna Kendrick and Bill Hader, if you don’t feel like going to the theatre to see Last Christmas.
Every Animated Movie Ever
Remember when you were a kid, and Disney would have those commercials where they warned that your favorite movie was going into the Disney Vault, so you would guilt your parents into buying you the VHS while you had the chance? Yeah, those days are over. All of the Disney animated movies that basically made your childhood are on Disney+, and there’s even a dedicated section called Princesses Collection. If you’re the kind of person who still low-key wants to be a Disney Princess when you grow up, you’re going to thrive here.
Tons Of Nature Sh*t
If you love getting stoned and watching Planet Earth, Disney+ is gonna be an absolute vibe for you. There are two different National Geographic collections, as well as a whole section for Disney Nature. With titles like Monkey Kingdom, African Cats, and How Dogs Got Their Shape, you can spend entire weekends on the couch just watching animals do their thing. What could be better?
Basically, Disney+ has way more content than you could ever watch, but you better believe I’m gonna try to get through all of it. Tell me in the comments what you’re most excited to watch!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (6)
At this point, I feel like it’s kind of tired to complain about the amount of reboots and remakes of classic TV shows and movies. Everyone has different taste, so who cares if they’re bringing yet another ’90s show back from the dead for easy money? But we all have to draw the line somewhere, and you know what? I draw that line at Home Alone.
Earlier this year, The Walt Disney Company completed their acquisition of 20th Century Fox, one of the largest business deals in history. I’m sure there were lots of reasons why Disney bought Fox, but one of the biggest factors was Fox’s huge catalog of content. In addition to all of their existing properties like Star Wars and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Disney now has the rights to tons of other famous movies, and they’re wasting no time putting these to use.
This week, Disney CEO Robert Iger announced plans for reboots of numerous family-friendly Fox titles for the upcoming Disney+ streaming service, including generally unexciting things like Cheaper By The Dozen and Night at the Museum. But the new project that’s furthest along in the development process is a new version of Home Alone, and honestly? They can keep it.
Everyone: Enough with the reboots, for the love of god.
I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever been some crazy fan of Home Alone. It’s a cool movie, sure, whatever, but it wasn’t one that I rented every week at Blockbuster (RIP). Whether or not a reboot of Home Alone was a good idea, I probably wouldn’t be that excited to watch it—but it’s not a good idea! No matter how much you love the original movie, the whole concept of Home Alone in 2019 just doesn’t make sense.
If you’ll recall, the original Home Alone was released in 1990, and it was a huge hit. But you also might recall that 1990 was a very different time in the world. There was no internet, no cell phones, and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet, so people tended to be a lot more chill about traveling and just like, life in general. It still would’ve taken a lot of oversight for a kid to be left behind on their family trip to Paris, but maybe it could’ve happened.
Cut to 2019, when I literally have three WiFi connected devices within an arm’s reach. Poor little Macaulay Culkin would probably already have an iPhone, his parents’ credit card, and an Uber account to use in emergencies. Without some major stretches of the imagination, Home Alone would be approximately 10 minutes long.
Home Alone in 2019: The McAllister Family have all been invited on an influencer trip to Lake Como. Kevin doesn’t have enough followers, so he can’t go.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) August 7, 2019
I’m sure Disney knows this on some level, and they are planning to make some tweaks to the plot. Rather than the movie, where Kevin has to fend off two burglars, the new version will “follow a husband and wife who go to war with a young boy who has stolen something from them.” That sounds interesting enough, but I’d imagine that the main through line of a project called Home Alone still involves the main character being left home…alone. This sounds less like “Home Alone” and more like “two grown-ass adults who have too much time on their hands and who would probably be better off seeking out legal avenues of recourse”.
The most exciting piece of news out this whole announcement is that Melissa McCarthy is in talks to star in the new Home Alone, which might be the only thing that can save it. No word yet on whether Macaulay Culkin will be invited back in some capacity, but based on his current life trajectory, I’m guessing the answer is no. So far, no release date has been announced, but the Disney+ service is launching this November.