Over the last six months, I’ve burned through basically every form of entertainment at an alarming pace. True crime miniseries, dozens of hours of Bravo, every prestigious movie that I missed from the last decade—you name it, I’ve probably watched too much of it in quarantine. But when I get to the bottom of my watchlist, or don’t feel like getting into another documentary about murder, Disney movies are always the perfect solution. Now that Disney+ is a thing, almost every classic animated movie is right at my fingertips, just waiting to be rewatched while I
pretend to work spend my evenings at home.
Obviously, revisiting these childhood favorites is a lot of fun, but there are certain things that just don’t add up when you’re over the age of 13. No shade to Disney or whatever, but some of their movies low-key make no sense. Okay—maybe some shade. From cringeworthy details to plot holes that definitely shouldn’t have made the final drafts, here are some of the most burning questions I have about Disney movies.
Why Are The Princesses So Young?
If you want your day ruined, I just found out that Snow White is supposedly 14 years old living in a house with 7 strange men
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) September 22, 2020
The other day, one of my coworkers informed me that Snow White is supposed to be just 14 years old, and after recovering from my initial disgust, I felt the need to do some Googling. Turns out, every single member of the official Disney Princesses lineup is a teenager! While Snow White is the youngest at 14, she’s not the only one who’s a little too mature for her age. Princess Jasmine is just 15; Ariel, Aurora, Mulan, Moana, and Merida are 16; Belle is 17; Pocahontas and Rapunzel are 18; and Tiana and Cinderella are 19. Keep in mind, these are almost all fictional characters, so there’s literally no reason why they need to be so young.
While all of these princesses have different experiences in their respective stories, besides Merida and Moana, they’re each either married or happily coupled up by the end of their movies. What’s with the child brides? At least Snow White is an 80-year-old movie, but with characters like Belle and Jasmine, Disney was still doing this sh*t in the ’90s! Ew! In recent years, Disney has worked to bring more racial and cultural diversity into this group, and introduced Princesses whose stories don’t revolve around finding a man, but this age distribution is another problem they should probably look into addressing.
Why Does Pocahontas Speak English?
There’s a lot of problematic stuff happening in Pocahontas, but hey, at least our main character is 18! Pocahontas is the only Disney Princess to be based on a real person, but that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t come with its own set of baffling plot holes. In the movie, we see John Smith coming over from England, and he’s the first white person Pocahontas ever sees. While they both teach each other some words in their respective native languages, they have no actual trouble communicating with each other, because Pocahontas conveniently already speaks English! Obviously, I get why Disney didn’t want to make a kids movie where half of the dialogue was in an extinct Native American dialect, but they definitely could have tried a little harder to portray the language barrier that these two would have had at first. And for a movie that already has some cringeworthy Eurocentric imagery going on, the fact that everyone magically speaks English isn’t helping.
Why Doesn’t The Prince Recognize Cinderella?
Okay, let’s talk about Cinderella. Great movie, love the mice, really identify with the stepsisters, etc. But I just will not allow us to act like the whole part about Prince Charming searching for his mystery woman makes any sense. This dude was traipsing all around the kingdom, making literally any woman he came across try on this glass slipper (we’ll get to that in a minute). I feel like this was a huge waste of time. Did he remember absolutely nothing about what Cindy looked like? Sure, her hair was in an updo, and she was wearing a pretty gown, but it’s not like the Fairy Godmother gave her a face transplant or anything. Here’s the completed makeover look:
Really, Prince Charming? She’s not even wearing one of those dumb little masks like in A Cinderella Story—there’s no disguise happening here! If people only recognized me when my hair was freshly washed and I was wearing fancy clothes, I’d be in big trouble. Did Prince Charming black out and only remember that he was in love, but not a single identifying characteristic about the girl he was obsessed with? There’s just no reason anyone who wasn’t a skinny blonde should have been trying on that nasty shoe in the first place.
WTF Size Shoe Does Cinderella Wear?
Apparently I just have a lot of feelings about Cinderella. Who knew. So, about that glass slipper. Aside from the obvious sanitary issues with dozens (hundreds? thousands??) of people trying on the same shoe in a time when Clorox wipes definitely didn’t exist, the logic of this whole thing makes absolutely no sense. For this ~search~ to actually have happened, Cinderella would need to have either the world’s largest foot or the world’s smallest foot, and for someone with such a perfectly proportioned cartoon body, that just doesn’t seem likely. Let’s just say Cindy has a size 6 foot. What if the Prince had gone to the house of literally any other woman with a size 6 foot before Cindy’s? He would have just married the wrong woman? Was the slipper enchanted so it wouldn’t fit on anyone else’s foot? I know this is a fairytale, and I’m overthinking it, but that’s basically the whole point of this article, so let me live.
Why Didn’t Ariel Just Write Sh*t Down?
There are lots of unrealistic things happening in The Little Mermaid, but I’ll just accept that most of it is ~Disney magic~. But there’s one plot hole so glaring that I can’t just let it slide. When Ariel decides to make the deal with Ursula to get her legs, she signs her name on a contract. Yet later, when her voice is gone and she’s desperately trying to signal to Prince Eric that she’s the one he loves, it never occurs to her to just find a piece of paper and write it down. Or she could have written a message in the sand! Come on girl, be resourceful! There are truly so many ways she could have gotten her point across in writing, but nope, she just watched as her true love was nearly seduced by Ursula. Ariel may not have had a voice, but did Ursula also take her brain?
I know these princess fairytale movies aren’t exactly supposed to be realistic, but in my opinion, magic and enchantment only go so far. In general, I feel like the screenplays of all of these movies could’ve used one more draft to smooth out some of the inconsistencies, but clearly Disney isn’t that concerned. But please, for the love of god, stop making all the princesses so young!
Images: Fer Gregory / Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
Considering the last movie recap I was asked to do was Fifty Shades Freed, I figured I could both tear apart what promises to be a terrible film and ruin some people’s childhoods when tasked with writing an honest review of the Disney Channel classic, Halloweentown. I’d never seen this movie before yesterday and, honestly, I’m really mad that I lost 84 minutes of my life on this. Buckle up.
Meet The Cromwells
We open on some really stunning visual imagery and ooOo someone got creative and used the Goosebumps font for all the credits. Nice touch.
Here are the Cromwells, a lovable family of weird, deprived children sitting inside on Halloween. Marnie, the oldest, is creepy and loves pentagrams, Edgar Allen Poe, un-flattering bangs, and general odd sh*t. She’s 13, and therefore no one understands her. Being a teenager is so hard, guys.
Marnie: Why can’t we be like the other kids and go out and
get trashed poisoned have fun dressing up as dead things? GOD, MOM.
The little brother with the very feathered haircut starts spouting about how he also hates Halloween and I’m all, “who’s the dork talking sense? SHUT UP NERD.” I think his name is Dylan, but I’m not going to acknowledge his name for the rest of this movie.
Sophie, the youngest Cromwell, is staring longingly outside.
Mom tells the kids to STFU and enjoy their quiet, sad house. Potential serial killer brother agrees (he loves nature documentaries and killing small animals), Marnie gives some sass mouth, and youngest Matilda extra, Sophie, continues to sit sadly. Yo, but if my kids talked to me this way, I’d knock them through a wall.
Someone brings up dad, and everyone is all “DON’T TALK ABOUT DAD! HE WENT OUT FOR HALLOWEEN AND NEVER CAME BACK!” He definitely left because mom doesn’t even let the kids have cookies, despite Sophie being able to use her mind powers to snatch them. I’m calling Child Protective Services.
Out of nowhere, medieval Mary Poppins i.e. Gramma appears to bestow upon the children candy, witchcraft, and some really off-putting costumes. She reaches into her giant bag and my first thought is “Are there drugs in gramma’s bag, too?”
Turns out, Gramma’s visit is not just because she wanted to undermine her daughter’s parenting and let the kids try wacky tabacky for the first time. There’s a big prob in Halloweentown (established 600 A.D., located in Massachusetts, probably), and respectable goblins, werewolves, and other walking nightmares are disappearing. Gramma needs Gwen (Mom’s real name) to help her save the day, witch style. Gwen is all “my witch costume doesn’t fit anymore” and sends Gramma out on her *ss.
Gramma waits at a v spooky bus stop and is whisked back to Halloweentown, but not before the kids TOTALLY SNEAK ON THE BUS, and somehow no one sees them.
Is Miss Frizzle driving this bus? Because we definitely just went through space and time like I’ve never seen before.
Welcome To Creeptown
Sophie, Marnie, and creepfest brother get off the bus and are greeted by a bunch of v scary Halloween creatures and a curly-haired mayor who is definitely into butt stuff. I guess stranger danger isn’t a thing in Halloweentown, which is a little ironic.
Anyway, the kids hop in a taxi with a talking skeleton and head to Gramma’s house. Once inside, Gramma gives them the lowdown on the “scary thing” that’s making people disappear in Halloweentown, and everyone looks into a moldy cauldron where a vision of a badly made scarecrow appears.
Gramma fills a medieval dildo with an instant magic potion in hopes of scaring away the geriatric threat, but, sadly, magic potions need to be homemade. Instant is sh*tty. I see you, Disney.
Gramma and the kids head into town to blow some money. Gramma’s usually totally fun friend, Harriet, nearly attacks Gramma like I attack carbs. This prompts Gramma to seek out the mayor and be all, “Hey, take care of this sh*t or I will.” Creepy mayor is all, “shush b*tch, I got this.” This is called foreshadowing.
While shopping for brooms, Marnie gets hit on by The Big Cheese (real name is Luke, but honestly, why go by Luke when you can go by The Big Cheese lol amirite), who I think also sent a d*ck pic to my friend on Tinder. Marnie throws some ’90s comebacks and everyone is all “lol, rad.”
Gramma buys Marnie a broom so she can begin training her as a witch and truly alienate all of her normal friends. My main thought during this flying sequence is that there are no seatbelts on this broom.
After the dangerous broom ride (who was watching Sophie and the serial killer brother during this time?), OH SH*T MOM IS HERE. She caught another bus (I think) to Halloweentown and is here to (figuratively) kill Gramma.
Sh*t Gets Real
After verbally assaulting Marnie and telling her she’s a muggle and not a witch (she deserved it), Mom turns her attention to getting tf out of this weird town where pumpkins are acceptable decor year-round. Sure, they’re totally a family of witches and this could be fun, but adults are mean.
Mom heads straight to the mayor’s office with the kids in tow. The mayor seems to have known Mom from her non-normal days and they’re all “lol let’s bone”. DO YOU GET IT, GUYS? DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE??
Anyway, after some questionable magic tricks and a sudden interruption from a lady dressed like a pin cushion (which Halloween animal are you supposed to be?), the Mayor f*cks off, probably to take care of a rigged election or the swearing in of a head gremlin.
Meanwhile, Gramma is wandering around town (Is she lost? Does she have a Life Alert for emergencies or no?) when The Big Cheese shows up to harass her. He’s clearly in cahoots with the scary thing, so naturally Gramma follows him to punt this kid and the scary thing through a brick wall with some finger sparks.
Sophie sees Gramma go with The Big Cheese and proclaims, “Grandma is going with the wiener dude!” This may be the best line in the whole movie.
In an abandoned movie theater somewhere, the scary thing is holding court over some frozen-in-time bodies and – OH MY GOD, IT’S ALL THE MISSING TOWNSPEOPLE! The Big Cheese has been helping him, and Gramma is here to stop it. Can’t blame her, cause the scary thing is definitely posing those frozen bodies in embarrassing ways, putting fingers in noses, etc.
Honestly, the scary thing just needs a good wrinkle cream and I think he’d be a lot happier.
Turns out, what the scary man really wants is the medieval dildo—er, talisman—from Act 2, although we’re never really told why. It’s during this time that, inexplicably, Mom and the kids come strolling in. After a stunning green screen magic battle, Mom and Gramma are frozen like the rest of the theater folk. IT’S UP TO THE KIDS TO SAVE THE DAY.
The talisman will only work with REAL (never instant) witch’s brew, so we, the audience, are treated to a fantastic montage of the kids shaving a werewolf for its hair, hanging out in a sauna with a ghost and stealing some sweat, and snagging a vampire’s fang from a goblin dentist.
The Kids Save The Day
The kids head back to Gramma’s with their weird Halloweentown haul and make their own witch’s brew after a Cromwell pep talk and spell session led by Sophie, proving that the youngest children are the scariest of all.
The kids are ready to put the talisman in the giant rotting pumpkin in the middle of town since, apparently, that’s where it goes and that’s how they’ll stop Dr. Scarytown Wrinklesface. But before Marnie can do it, The Big Cheese warns her it’s a trap. SHO NUFF, Dr. Wrinklesface appears and gives a very German dictator à la 1940s speech about getting rid of the goblins crossing into the mortal world. He sees who he thinks is Marnie and throws some magical sparks her way. GOTCHA, B*TCH—IT’S THE BIG CHEESE IN DISGUISE. Marnie has made it to the giant pumpkin and planted the talisman in hopes of melting the scary creep and freeing the souls from the abandoned movie theater where the creep definitely wasn’t doing weird stuff to them while they slept.
So why all the evil? Dr. Spookytown—real name, Kalabar—is actually THE MAYOR AND IS SUPER UPSET cause Gwen aka Mom totally ditched him years ago. Hey, this movie sends a really good message to kids about how if they turn someone down they could be setting that person up for a lifetime of evil. Or to become a Supreme Court Justice.
After some very aggressive humming, the Cromwell clan (Marnie, Sophie, Mom, Gramma, and … great… the brother has powers now, too) banish Kalabar the Creep to—well, we don’t know where.
The town celebrates and Marnie kisses Luke aka The Big Cheese who was only being evil ’cause he also wanted to be hot. The movie ends with Gwen telling Gramma she has to live with them because she can’t be trusted on her own and keeps forgetting her meds. The end!
Images: Disney Channel; Giphy (6)
As young betches, after we realized boys don’t really have cooties, but before we realized that they’re actually all just fuckboys who will ruin our lives, we enjoyed fantasizing about being whisked away by a certain type of bro. This group of bros provided us constant entertainment and were easy on the eyes—yes, I’m talking about the Disney princes. Every Disney movie had one, and they were all hot. Ah, the good old days. Because it’s totally normal to judge the physical attractiveness of a bunch of animated drawings, I’m here to rank the Disney princes according to their hotness level. I’m sure you’ll all have an opinion, so be sure to leave it in the comments section, which I definitely read.
10. The Prince
The Prince is the nameless prince in Snow White. He hardly speaks except for when he sings some lame-ass song about wishing for the woman he loves to come find him. Yeah, if love worked that way I’d be married with Shemar Moore’s kid by now. Talk about a delusional dater. Throughout the movie, he doesn’t do shit besides kiss Snow White and wake her up from a death-like sleep. Uhh, can you not? I was taking a nap. His presence in the movie is largely unnecessary, which is probably why they don’t even bother to give him a name. Last place.
P.S. Are you wearing fucking makeup, dude? Ultimate last place.
I’m sorry, Kristoff is not hot. What’s up with that goofy smile? And that vest? That vest is hideous. He has good hair and is like, a decent person, otherwise he’d be in last.
8. Prince Charming
Prince Charming is okay looking but he’s a fucking Nice Guy. Bruh, how low is your self-esteem that you spend all night dancing with a betch and don’t even ask her her fucking name?? Also, you definitely took the hard route finding Cinderella. You could have, like, asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone with her physical description, JUST SAYING. Also minus points for the probably foot fetish. Boy bye.
7. John Smith
YES I KNOW John Smith isn’t *technically* a prince, but he’s Pocahontas’ love interest so he fucking counts. Here’s the deal. He’s handsome, he’s got great hair, and he’s fucking British. That should be all the info you need. Except for the fact that Pocahontas wouldn’t even come with him back to England at the end of the movie, so he obviously has no game. So close, but not close enough. Seventh.
6. The Beast
He gets hot points because he’s rich, has a sick house, and is objectively attractive once you get rid of all the fur and stuff. But minus points because he’s a raging asshole—probably because he spent his entire adult life alone locked up in a fucking castle with only his kitchenware to talk to. I’d imagine that would take a toll on anybody’s personality. Regardless, that’s gonna point to some communication problems later on, I’m sure. Also he spends most of the movie as an actual beast, which certainly raises some bestiality questions to say the least.
5. Flynn Rider
Aka Eugene Fitzherbert, which incidentally is my accountant’s name. Flynn is like, a less hot and slightly more thug version of Aladdin, except he has a better pet. He’s fine, so he is precisely in the middle.
Aladdin is basically that guy with a shady past you dated for a while to scare your dad, but you’d never let him wife you. He hangs out with a literal monkey, FFS. However, Aladdin cleaned up well and showed Jasmine a whole new world, so you know he’s dynamite in bed. Solid fourth.
3. Prince Naveen
Naveen is definitely a regulation hottie. Tall, dark, and handsome with light-colored eyes? Swoon. Naveen is that confident, funny, attractive guy that every girl thinks is in love with them but really he’s just flirty with everyone. It wasn’t cute that he was content living as a frog with Tiana for a hot second, which is the only reason he’s not in first or second place. But since he got changed back into a human at the end so we’re all good here.
2. Li Shang
Shang is a hotshot army captain, and betches love a man in uniform. Plus, he’s fucking ripped underneath all that armor. Check out those abs! Shang doesn’t take shit and tbh, we need that. Even Mulan’s grandma thinks he’s sexy.
1. Prince Eric
Prince Eric is OBVIOUSLY the hottest out of all the Disney princes. The black hair/blue eyes combo sure is a winning one. And that smile, man. Is it weird to be attracted to a cartoon character? He may be kind of an asshole for almost marrying another betch like, one day after he met Ariel. Like, why were you in such a rush to settle down, Eric? Could you not just have waited it out? However, gotta give credit where credit is due. That was some solid game-playing, Eric. Major SAB move. For those reasons, but mostly because he’s fucking hot af, Eric takes the top spot.
If you were a child in 90s, hell if you were ever a child at all, you were fucking obsessed with Disney princesses. They’re beautiful. They’re rich. They’re in love. Some of them are kinda smart. Everything young betches dream of growing up to be. But that was like, 20 years ago. What tf are all these princesses doing now? If I had to guess, they’re probs drunk fighting at a charity auction or dinner party, a lot like the Real Housewives. I feel like Snow White would be a total lush these days.
Instead of you spending hours trying to decipher which princess grew up to be which wife, we’ve done it for you. They even have their own taglines. You’re welcome.
Cinderella aka Nene Leakes
Why: While Cinderella was at her stepmom’s house doing a shit ton of chores, Nene was on the pole, stripping for a dollar. Sure, it started out a little rough but look at them now. Nene’s starred in a handful of TV and Broadway shows, and Cinderella is hands down the most famous of all the princesses. Started from the bottom, now we’re here.
Tagline: Whoever said diamonds were a girl’s best friend never owned a pair of glass Louboutins.
Snow White aka Erika Jayne
Why: A lot like Erika Jayne, Snow White doesn’t go anywhere without her squad. The dwarves may spend their days mining and tidying the house, but by night, they’re a full-on glam team that helps keep Snow looking fierce. If Erika Jayne will fly her posse of stylists and makeup artists to Dubai for a girls trip, you can bet Snow, an heiress to the thrown for Christ’s sake, would do the same.
Tagline: I’ll eat apples, but I prefer Champagne.
Belle aka Heather Dubrow
Why: Heather’s castmates constantly make fun of her for being “fancy pants,” which in OC terms means you have class. Belle goes through the same thing in her hometown, where all the locals think she’s a fucking weirdo because she likes books and wants to build The Belle Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Both Belle and Heather are also fans of diamonds in the rough when it comes to men. Belle’s bf was a hairy beast when they first met, but after a few weeks with Belle, he turned into a really hot prince. Terry Dubrow, on the other hand, was probs a total nerd, but now he’s like, the world’s richest plastic surgeon. And Belle and Heather look exactly alike. This one was easy af.
Tagline: They say behind every good man there’s a great woman. Behind a great man there’s me.
Jasmine aka Lisa Vanderpump
Why: Out of all the princesses Jasmine seems the richest. Probs because she’s a Middle Eastern princess and that oil money is no fucking joke. Why does this make her like Lisa Vanderpump? Because LVP has more money than God and Donald Trump combined, that’s why. Jasmine also has a pet tiger, and with all of Lisa’s swans and miniature horses and shit, it’s only a matter of time before a deadly, endangered cat is added to the mix.
Tagline: Pet tigers and magic carpet rides might seem extravagant, but that’s just me living my truth.
Ariel aka Tamra Judge
Why: In the past couple seasons, Tamra has gotten annoying AF about health and exercise. She opened a gym, won’t shut up about working out and even competes in fitness contests. Lol, k. While Ariel hasn’t hit the competition circuit quite yet, she does insist on wearing a bathing suit all fucking day to show off her perfect bod. She’s the princess you don’t wanna eat pizza around.
Tagline: If you think my life is easy, try swimming a mile in my shell bikini.
Pocahontas aka Bethenny Frankel
Why: Both Pocahontas and Bethenny are boss-ass bitches who know how to get what they want. If Bethenny thinks you’re being a hoe and wants to let you know about it in the Berkshires, she’ll do it. If Pocahontas wants to hook up with a English dude even though his friends are trying to kill her family and her dad said not to, she’ll do it. Plus, they both have huge boobs for how skinny they are. Lucky betches.
Tagline: Paint me in whatever light you want. I’ll just keep painting with all the colors of the wind.
Aurora aka Melissa Gorga
Why: This season, Melissa decided she wanted to open a clothing boutique despite the fact that she has no design and/or business experience whatsoever. #HousewivesProbs. Aurora tried to do the same thing once but ended up pricking her finger on a spindle because she didn’t know how to use it. She was so embarrassed, she blamed the whole thing on Maleficent and played the damsel card so her fuckboy would finally commit. Speaking of fuckboys. Sounds a lot like Melissa’s husband, Joe.
Tagline: I used to sleep through life. Now I’m living the dream.
Mulan aka Teresa Giudice
Why: Back in the day, it was illegal for women in China to fight for their country. Seems archaic and stupid, but it was the law. A law Mulan broke and got caught for. Same shit happened to Teresa. The big difference is Mulan ended up getting pardoned because she saved the entire country from Shan Yu and the Huns, while Teresa ended up doing hard time. Either way, they both brought dishonor to the family.
Tagline: If an avalanche can’t take me down, what makes you think you can?
Rapunzel aka Kyle Richards
Why: The hair. There is no other reason because no other reason is needed.
Tagline: If you’re jealous of my castle, just wait till you see my hair.
Tiana aka Kandi Burruss
Why: In a world of housewives who think they have vocal talent, Kandi is actually a really amazing singer and songwriter. All the princesses are pretty good. It’s part of the job. But Tiana wipes the floor with all of them when it comes to carrying a tune. Sorry, Cinderella. Kandi and Tiana also seem to be in semi-healthy relationships. Unlike some of her fellow princesses, Tiana took the time to get to know and fall in love with Naveen before, ya know, committing her whole fucking life to him. Kandi and her bae, Todd, seem pretty normal by Bravo standards.
Tagline: I was a girl then I was a frog and now I’m a princess. What I’ll be next is anybody’s guess.
Elsa aka Carole Radziwill
Why: We call them all Disney princesses, but that’s not 100% true because Elsa isn’t a princess. She’s a fucking snow queen. Carole can relate because she’s not just rich and successful like her fellow wives. Her late husband was a Polish prince and nephew to JFK and Jackie, so like, kind of a BFD. Carole is the closest thing to monarchy New York has (sorry, Anna Wintour. You’re not royalty) and Manhattan is cold af.
Tagline: Some people will tell you I’m a cold-hearted bitch. You should listen.
We all know that Mattel released a new line of fuckboy Ken dolls, but we’d be kidding ourselves if we said that this was the first time a big corporation tried to push fuckboys on us at an early age. Nay, this process of subtly convincing betches to accept way less than what we deserve began as early as our childhoods with the onslaught of Disney fuckboy princes. In time you will date all the Disney princes—just perhaps not in the way you’d planned. Below, the Disney Princes as fuckboys from your dating past, present, or future.
Prince Naveen – The Recycled Fuckboy
Every friend group has a Naveen—dark, charming, handsome, goofy. You all met this guy and immediately group texted “Wait is it just me or is Naveen a regulation hottie?” and you all collectively breathed a sigh of relief when you realized you weren’t the only one who’d let him smash. Then you did a little digging, as one does, only to find out that he’d dated a girl in your pledge class. And your friend’s camp friend. And your roommate’s friend from high school. If you hook up with him, you will have fucked half your social circle through the transitive property. With a sigh, you resign yourself to not even go for it—it’s not worth the risk. A few years down the line, you’ll see he’s engaged to a girl who lived on your freshman hall. You’ll wistfully sigh because deep down you know they’re perfect for each other, but still. It could have been you.
Tarzan – Fuckboy’s First Girlfriend
Maybe you met this guy in high school or maybe you dated him right out of college, but whatever the age, he was a literal Neanderthal when you met him. Like, it was cute when you met him at Bonnaroo because he sold you molly and weed and gave you a free tab of LSD because he thought you were cute, but less cute when you left the farm and realized all he did for a living was sell molly and weed. Under your
incessant nagging tutelage, he would go from miserable part-time grocery store bagger to miserable part-time temp. AND he learned the magic of showers. With soap. You’re truly a visionary. You made him cut off his white guy dreads and limit his music festivals to three per year… where he eventually met a white girl with dreads, fucked her in a tent but lied to you about it and said nothing happened, and dumped you for her. You thought about invoicing him for all your unpaid consulting time, but your bougie friends convinced you to not be so petty—plus the only assets this guy had were his bongo drums anyway.
Gaston – The Pathological Fuckboy
Gaston’s the fuckboy who’s a senior in Sigma Chi when you’re a freshman—you know, the one who all your older friends warn you about but you test out the waters anyway because you “don’t believe what you hear” and “like to find things out for yourself”? Yeah, him. This dude is just all-around awful, but somehow he still gets pussy, probably for the same reason Taylor Swift is still able to get a boyfriend and people in Florida are still taking bath salts: You’ve heard he’s the worst but you think to yourself “It can’t be that bad.” I mean, think about it. Why do you think the Titty Triplets were all over Gaston? Probably because they were stupid freshmen who didn’t have any older sisters to warn them. So you date this guy thinking everyone’s claims are exaggerated, but in fact, he’s worse than you could have imagined. He acts like he doesn’t know you in public (read: when other girls are around). He constantly puts down your intelligence even though the last time he picked up a book was 2008. Even worse, he’s constantly talking about how he only drives Porsches and Maseratis. It doesn’t take you long to realize this fuckboy is the reason women came up with the term “fuckboy”, and you end it and immediately grovel to your friends who tried to warn you all along.
Aladdin – The Povo Fuckboy
Look, we’ve all dated an Aladdin. Whether you were living in Atlanta and dated a guy who worked part-time at Foot Locker because you had low self-esteem and none of the southern frat bros who actually went to
your college would give you the time of day, or you were actively trying to piss off your dad, it’s a phase every betch has gone through at some point in her life. Maybe you were trying to be sensitive to the fact that not everybody grows up as fortunate as you did (you’re so woke), or maybe you just thought his need to sneak into LA Fitness was badass. Whatever the reason, what started out as fun and rebellious quickly started to get old, and frankly, a little terrifying. At first the petty thievery gave you a rush; after attempting to dine and dash at a Denny’s it was just plain embarrassing. While your friends would joke about being completely poor, you were actually living that life because you were paying your way for two people. At some point, perhaps after he asked to borrow money to pay for his phone bill but he promised to “totally pay you back next payday”, you called it quits. You’ve been living in less-broke bliss ever since.
Prince Charming – The Fuckboy Who Got Away
In all honesty, your Prince Charming is not really a fuckboy—at least, not any more so than your average person with a penis. He was actually a pretty good guy, but for some reason (distance, timing, your early curfew), you two did not try to make it work. More likely, you dated in high school and broke up when you headed for college because you are sane and figured there would be plenty of Prince Charmings in the sea. Unfortunately, you were wrong. You will spend your days periodically checking his Facebook and being the first one to view every single one of his Instagram stories, wondering if he’ll ever come looking for you.
John Smith – The Life-Ruiner Fuckboy
Simply put, John Smith is the fuckboy who comes into your life with the express purpose of fucking your shit up. This guy will leave your ego bruised, your self-esteem bloodied, and everyone you’ve ever known and loved slaughtered by genocide. Metaphorically speaking, of course. You and Fuckboy John Smith cannot agree on anything, from political viewpoints to whether or not Lemonade was all a pre-planned publicity stunt years in the making. Side note, any guy who does not like Beyoncé is seriously disturbed, and you should immediately call the police. But anyway, you and this fuckboy will try to understand each other and see eye to eye. You’re able to temporarily put your issues aside in the name of amazing sex, but once you’re done fucking each other into another dimension, you snap back to reality and
oh, there goes gravity realize you have nothing in common. You’ll end things in the midst of a particularly heated argument when you realize he voted for Trump non-ironically and thinks Lee from The Bachelorette is just misunderstood. Thankfully, you will have taken no photos during your short pseudo-relationship, so you can plausibly deny it ever happened in the first place.
Simba – The Driven Fuckboy
This fuckboy ran for middle school president and was constantly talking about how he’d rule the country one day. Like, literally always. fucking. talking about it. WE GET IT, JON. Anyway, even though this fuckboy was always talking about what he’d do when he was president, you never actually took him seriously. Until you started seeing him and he’d blow you off constantly for Young Democrats meetings and Young Presidents meetings and Young Political Aficionados meetings and you get the fucking picture. You were convinced he was cheating on you—half of those organizations aren’t even real—until he actually ran for local office and won, and you realized you probably dumped the future President of the United States. He ended up marrying his high school sweetheart, and you’re still trying to figure out if you fucked your life up or dodged a bullet.
Prince Eric – The Too-Good-To-Be-True Fuckboy
Upon first glance, Prince Eric has everything:
used Band-Aids. Babies dressed as midgets. DJ Skittlez. Amazing hair. A killer smile. And he’s nice. You’ll meet him and think you’ve hit the jackpot, but not so fast. It seems too good to be true, and it is. You’ll slowly realize this guy is kind of dumb as fuck. Forget him noticing that you got a new haircut—you could, say, implant your voice into the larynx of an evil sea witch and suddenly become a mute and HE WOULD NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. Just, you know, a totally random example. You could be very happy with Prince Eric—I mean, just look at him—as long as you are okay with resigning yourself to a life of telling your husband that “irregardless” is not a word and that no, you do not just pop a birth control pill right before you’re about to have sex to avoid pregnancy like it’s ibuprofen and you’ve got a headache.
The Beast – The Formerly Ugly Fuckboy
Despite being fucking hideous, you give The Beast a chance (probably because of his large trust fund). Although nature typically dictates that you need to either be hot or have a good personality, this guy has somehow managed to make it through life with neither. Probably, again, because of his large trust fund. Yah, you would think that an uggo would treat you like the princess you are, but think a-fucking-gain. This guy is such an asshole that it makes you question everything you thought you knew about humanity and your own sanity. He tries to control every aspect of your life, from your meals to your outfits to the wings of his mansion you can and cannot enter and more. Hopefully, you get out before he does something drastic, like lock you in a dungeon in exchange for your father’s freedom. Trust me, it’s just not worth sticking around to see if he eventually gets hot and snaps out of his scary abusive ways. You in danger, girl.