Hookup Horror Story: A Little Nutty

Welcome again to this week’s U Up Podcast’s Hookup Horror Story, where making fun of people and laughing at their embarrassing hookups are required. Here’s another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter for your pleasure. Let’s break it down.

Hey J & J,

Coming in hot with an awkward story and an important question about acceptable, shall we say, TERMINOLOGY in the bedroom. 

I’m a single gal in her late 20s, finding myself balls-deep in friends’ weddings lately. 

Balls-deep… literally, as we’ll soon see.

Recently I ended up going home after a great wedding and perhaps too many great drinks with guy 5ish years younger than me. All good, no problem there.

Sometimes when you’re single at a wedding, you have to rob the cradle.

 But you know when you’re borderline blacked out and then something happens that instantly snaps you into a brief moment of sobriety? 

Don’t we all. 

Well, we were hooking up and everything was going great however he was talking A LOT. I’m not even sure what he was talking about but I just remember thinking, “wow he is chatty.” It was truly distracting. 

That’s the worst. I’m not even sure you can call it “going great” if he was talking the whole time. Kinda kills the mood.

And THEN… he starts enthusiastically repeating over and over, “I wanna make you nut.” I literally laughed out loud the first time he said it. He was not trying to be funny. This was serious. I’ve never heard any dude say NUT in reference to a female orgasm. It was unreal. So, what do you guys think?? Is NUTTING in the lexicon of acceptable dirty talk? 

Lemme know.

P.s. I nutted

 

HAHAHA what!!?? I’m actually uncomfortable. I don’t know how she “nutted” after that, because I’d be done.

Can women “nut” (god, just typing that is making me cringe). Listen to Jared and Jordana discuss on the latest episode of U Up? 

What do you think? Does this track? Or is it a no? Let us know in the comments!

Image: Maddi Bazzocco / Unsplash

5 Non-Embarrassing Dirty Talk Phrases That Never Fail

They say 90% of communication is nonverbal, but today we’re gonna talk about the other critical 10% that takes your sex game to 100: dirty talk. It’s no secret that men have egos that love to be stroked. We want to feel like we’re unforgettable, testosterone-charged demigods and not just another dick on the proverbial dance floor. And one of the best ways to get your guy to feel a fraction of as good as Chris Hemsworth looks is dirty talk. “Dirty talk? But won’t I sound like a desperate, trashy thot with daddy issues?” Nope. But you might sound like a sex goddess if you add these simple dirty talk phrases to your sexual arsenal. Do I really need to say that what follows is incredibly NSFW?

1. “Your Dick Feels So Good”

Every man loves hearing positive reviews about his dick. It’s our favorite thing in the world, and we’re happy to know someone else thinks it’s five stars too. But when praising penises, women often hype how big it is. To quote Samuel L. Jackson at the end of Pulp Fiction, “I’d like that, but that shit ain’t the truth.” I would advise against this because a lot of dudes have complexes about size, and nothing is less sexy than bringing up a man’s insecurities. So rather than talking about the size, talk about how it makes you feel. It’s honest, it’s personal, and it’s something he may not have heard before.

2. “You Make Me So Wet”

Believe it or not, guys are not the selfish orgasm junkies we’re made out to be. One of the things we like most is making sure the woman is enjoying sex just as much, if not more, than we are. Guys like knowing they’re having an effect, and you being wet is one of the few direct cues that men have that tell us what we’re doing is actually working. So tell him he’s turning you on because that’s all he’s trying to do anyway.

3. “I love The Way You Fuck Me”

For a guy to really do sex right, it takes a lot of energy and effort. It’s a workout. It’s basically a sexier version of CrossFit, but we get to cum. So when we’re giving it 100%, it’s nice to know that the effort we’re putting in to please is appreciated. For men, sex is a game of trial and error, so we love learning what works and what doesn’t. No man wants to be bad in bed, and this line is a great way to encourage a guy to do something you like again in the future. I promise he’ll remember.

4. “Cum For Me”

Guys have a strange relationship with their cum. We know it’s gross and kind of upsetting, like accidentally touching gum under a park bench, but that doesn’t mean you have to remind us of that fact. We feel guilty enough about it already. Believe me, if we didn’t have to cum, we wouldn’t. We’d prefer for it to end with just a sigh and a smile. But we gotta. So hearing it’s accepted and encouraged enhances the sex for us. This line is also a friendly way to let him know it’s closing time for your vagina and right about time to pay his tab. Obviously don’t do this in a stressful, demanding type of way. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being forced to cum on command.

5. Just Be Vocal

Guys love dirty talk. Anything and everything. So it’s hard for you to ever go wrong by making sounds of any sort. Even if you’re afraid that the sound is embarrassing or weird, it’s not, and it’s way better than being silent. Just get out of your head, be honest, be present, and let go.

The Top 5 Things You Should Never Say In Bed

Everyone has a slightly different opinion about how much dirty talk is acceptable. Some people have a strong preference for non-verbal cues; others want spoken word poetry performed about their bodies until completion. (Don’t believe me? Attend Wesleyan for four years and get back to me.) So, while the best recourse is always to check with your partner about what they prefer, dirty talk is not a science. There’s no one-size-fits-all on what people are turned on by hearing. There is, however, a fairly definitive list of what people are turned OFF by hearing. Here’s a list of the top 5 things you should never say in bed.

1. “Are You Close?”

“Are you close” is the sexual equivalent of “are we there yet,” and both are equally annoying. Obviously, when you gave up on an orgasm came 20 minutes ago and they’re still going at it, this thought will be on loop in your mind along with “oh god I think I’m starting to chafe” and “I think I can feel myself getting a UTI.” But when you basically announce “I wish this were over, can we wrap it up?” you’re setting both partners up for a shitty experience. You’ll either feel like a martyr for allowing them to continue or resent them for not offering to stop. They’ll feel embarrassed and hurt for not realizing you were no longer into it. (And they’ll also probably be way less close than they were a second ago, because they’re now self-conscious AF.)

In all fairness, this question can be asked with good intention. If you think of sex as a workout, hearing “I’m close” can be the equivalent of the burst of energy you get when you hear “final set” from your trainer. But odds are, they can’t predict the exact moment of their orgasm any better than you can yours. So save yourselves both the embarrassment, and just be upfront when you have to stop. A simple “this feels amazing, but I’m getting really sore. Can we pick this up later?” is much more effective. You may have to deal with a few minutes of blue ball-induced grumpiness, but anyone worth your time will understand.

2. “My Ex….”

If you’ve scored a second date at any point in your life, you know not to talk about exes. But there is truly no worse time to do so than in bed. Even if you consider it a compliment, saying “you give much better head than my ex did” will only ensure that both you and your partner are now thinking about your ex giving you head. And your partner will start wondering how long you’ve been thinking about your ex giving you head, and why you’re thinking about him at all, and you’ll be thinking about all the fights and weird avoidance strategies you employed with your ex because he was bad at giving head. Congratulations, now no one is enjoying themselves. Save this kind of talk for brunch with your friends.

3. *hahahahhahaaha*

Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel keeps bursting out laughing whenever Ross tries to make out with her? Granted, Ross is a man-child for the ages, but his reaction isn’t all that unfair. Sure, weird shit happens during sex and it’s actually a healthy sign if you and your partner can laugh together. But the key point there is that a) it’s together and b) it doesn’t kill the mood. If you bust out laughing while your partner is making a genuine effort to be intimate—like doing a sexy striptease—it’s super hurtful and unlikely to be something you recover from. (If they fully fall over because their clothes got stuck over their eyes, I give you permission to giggle quietly. Then go make sure they’re okay.)

As a general rule, if only one person is laughing, the other probably feels pretty shitty. And unless you’re actively trying to discourage someone acting sexual with you, don’t make them feel like it’s hysterically funny that they thought you were actually turned on.

4. “Whatever.”

Don’t pretend you don’t know what “whatever” means—you probably use it 16 times a day. It means “I don’t care,” “I wasn’t listening,” or “I’m too tired to explain it to you.” While wildly useful in other circumstances, it’s the worst possible response to any question asked in bed. If your partner is asking “what do you want” or “does that feel good,” that’s GOOD. (Actually, the former is a mixed bag. But “I’m not sure” is way better than “whatever.”) “Whatever” is the verbal equivalent of starfishing. It indicates that you’re not into it, that you’re only there to wait it out until they finish, and that there’s nothing they could possibly do to change that. Assuming you’re not fucking someone who’s cool with those terms, you just ruined the moment, HARD. But TBH, if you’re saying “whatever” during sex, you’re probably looking for an out.

5. “Does Daddy Like That?”

Yeah, I’m sure there are some cases in the Trump family where this is a major turn on. But please god, let your partner bring it up before dumping them giving it a shot. The thing about calling someone “daddy” is that if they don’t like it, they REALLY don’t like it. Like, dry-heaving, reduced blood flow to the genitals, and serious questioning of how deeply rooted your daddy issues are don’t like it. Maybe they called their own father “daddy” as a child and are now thinking about that. Maybe they one day hoped to have children of their own who refer to them as “daddy,” and they don’t want it sullied in advance. These are all legitimate reactions.

IMO, there are just too many gross interpretations for this to be a risk worth taking. I can’t speak to the people who do like this, because I don’t know any, but it’s possible that this is a high-risk, high-reward move. For now, though, I can only say with confidence that it’s extremely high risk, and if this isn’t a NEVER, it’s at least an extreme “proceed with caution.”

(^acceptable here, since she’s probably fantasizing about Hiram Lodge)

As I said before, the easiest route to successful dirty talk is always finding out what your partner wants. But since actual conversation delivering the sex equivalent of an HR survey can be daunting, the above list should ensure that you at least don’t embarrass yourself or hurt anyone’s feelings—no awkward discussion required. You’re welcome!

Images: Giphy (5)

How To Talk Dirty Without Embarrassing Yourself

News flash: Dirty talk sounds way easier than it is. You might think that it’s just murmuring sexy nonsense into someone’s ear until you’re both so overcome with animal lust you tear the clothes off each other, but in practice, it’s just as likely to give you stage fright as it is a lady boner—at least at first. Let me tell you, nothing kills the mood faster than drawing a deep breath, leaning in close enough to regret how much Axe body spray your date wears, and completely losing your grasp of the English language. It’s like when you gave your first-ever book report presentation in third grade, except this time you’re half-naked and the stakes are much higher. Either way, the outcome is still the same: muttering some nonsensical word and excusing yourself to the bathroom, awkward silence still ringing in your ears. And while your sexting game is on point, IRL dirty talk is a whole other game. Your DMs to this dude may read like a 50 Shades novel, but suddenly you’re in person and end up blurting out something like, “your penis is very round” and the mood is officially killed. 

But that’s the worst case scenario. Dirty talk takes practice as much as anything else, and if there’s anything worth putting effort into, obviously it’s getting laid. For future reference, here are the ins and outs of dirty talk (pun obviously intended).

Step 1: Start Vanilla

First of all, and most importantly, resist the temptation to blurt out the absolute nastiest shit that’s on your mind. That way lies awkwardness and wilted boners. Start super vanilla at first—don’t expect some dude you met on Tinder to be chill with you calling him daddy right off the bat. Focus on the easy stuff at first: why he turns you on, what you want him to do next, etc. (If you’re a control freak in bed, dirty talk should be right up your alley.) You can always get weird later, but as far as dirty talk goes, it’s a bit of a “crawl before you walk” situation. Like, if you can’t describe where on your body you want your partner to touch you, you’re probably not going to be able to weave some elaborate whispered role play scenario in which he’s a wealthy foreign prince and you’re the maid assigned to clean his sex dungeon. I mean, get to that eventually but start with the basics. 

Oops

Step 2: Practice Sexting

Sexting is something that anyone with a Snapchat or a Tinder account probably has at least some level of comfort doing, but it’s also the best place to start practicing your dirty talk. If you can’t be sexy over text, where you can respond after five minutes of agonizing and don’t have to watch the confusion on his face when he reads your sext, you’re definitely going to have trouble dirty talking in person. Also, just as importantly, you don’t even have to leave the house to sext someone. And even more importantly, you can’t just stop responding once he shows you his weird crooked penis in real life the way you can over text. 

Sexting

Step 3: Know Your Fantasies

If you’ve tried dirty talk before but your mind always goes blank, it’s time to put your vast stores of creativity and your favorite Ludacris song to work. Figure out your favorite fantasies and use those to guide what you’re talking about at first. Do you want to get spanked? Now’s the chance. Have you always wanted to do weird stuff with food? No time like the present. Do you have a recurring sex dream about Jeff Goldblum in a firefighter’s uniform? Maybe keep that one to yourself. Basically, don’t stick to a script or anything, but it helps to have something to come back to if you run out of ideas. Which you probably will, unless that Jeff Goldblum fantasy turns out to be an unexpected hit. Weirder things have happened.

Step 4: Do Your Homework

Start paying attention to what turns you on outside of actually having sex. If your panties automatically drop when your SO wears a suit, or he does a Thing (capital T very much necessary) when you’re having sex that opens the vaginal floodgates, remember it, and tell him at an opportune moment. Or an inopportune one, but for god’s sake, use your judgment in that case. Don’t try to dirty talk someone at their mom’s birthday dinner or something. Unless that’s what you’re into. Just don’t be surprised when his mom asks what you guys are whispering about and he immediately bursts into tears. 

Horrible Bosses

Step 5: Don’t Overthink

Reading all this shit makes dirty talk sound way more complicated than it is. I know you’re already writing a script in your head for next time you hook up, and I need you to chill TF out immediately. You can’t rehearse dirty talking the way you would with a presentation. Do you want to sound like a politician giving a campaign speech about riding dick? No. No, you do not. Just remember, like literally everything that happens during sex, it’s all gross and awkward when out of the moment. Aside from the exceptional “throwing up while giving a blowjob” or “guy who cries when he finishes,” most people forget all the little awkward things that happened and just remember the fact that they got laid. If people remembered every awkward moment (or smell) that occurred during sex, they literally wouldn’t have it, so cut yourself a break if you say the wrong thing or totally blank and call his dick by your dad’s name. He’s way more concentrated on the fact that he’s inside you. (But maybe talk about that dad thing with your therapist?) 

Step 6: Know When To Stop

Not everyone is meant for dirty talk. If you’ve tried it a few times and nobody’s enjoying it, there’s no rule saying you have to keep digging yourself into an awkward, unsexy hole. Not everything works for everyone, and not all dick is created equal. Maybe you had a previous partner who was amazing at dirty talk, but your new guy is more into shutting the fuck up and going down on you for hours—certainly nothing wrong with that. 

Stop

Also, your partner might just be a prude, but you’re the one who picked him. 

Read: How To Send A Hot Nude Without Ruining Your Life