Apparently, quarantine has gotten so bleak that Amazon is out of podcast mics. Everyone from your sh*tty ex who lives in Bushwick to D-list reality stars to actual celebrities are jumping on the podcast bandwagon, for better or for worse. And now, we can add one more into the mix. The latest celebrity to get in on the podcast game is none other than Dina Lohan, and honestly, while I didn’t see that one coming, I’m kind of impressed. I still can’t even get my parents to understand what a podcast is—and yes, I have tried the analogy that it’s basically just a radio show, and it does not click.
Anyway, Dina Lohan’s podcast will be called Listen To Me, OG Mama D (oof, that name) and according to Page Six, will “touch on pop culture, domestic violence, mental health” and also “set the record straight about tabloid celebrity gossip.” I’m assuming and hoping that will mean Dina will explain the clusterf*ck that was her housing her ex-husband’s wife, because that sounded like the craziest episode of Sister Wives ever. It’s not immediately clear if Dina will talk about Lindsay, but she will talk about “managing children in Hollywood”, so even if she doesn’t spill all the tea, it’s probably going to come up. I would love an entire episode rehashing the story behind Lindsay’s iconic photo with Paris and Britney, but that might just be a pipe dream. Honestly, celebrity gossip just isn’t what it used to be.
Co-hosting the podcast is former Princesses: Long Island cast member and comedian Chanel Omari, who might seem like a random choice, but Dina told Betches, “I chose Chanel because I’ve known Chanel forever.” She added, “She was Lindsay’s assistant and then mine. I had the pleasure of being on her podcast (Chanel in the City) which she did a wonderful job with, and I thought she would be a best fit.”
Chanel told us that Listen To Me, OG Mama D will also talk about “single parenting, dating, cyber bullying,” and of course, “how the pandemic has brought people together through virtual dating and how COVID-19 has affected their lives.” She explained, “We wanted to be a safe space for people to come and chat with Dina and myself on challenging things happening to us in life and how to cope with it.”
In the past couple years, we’ve talked a lot about Lindsay Lohan. From her perplexing Instagram posts to her dating choices to her canceled-too-soon reality show, Lindsay’s had a lot going on in her life. But her Middle Eastern antics aren’t half as crazy as what’s been going on with her parents. On Monday, Page Six reported that both of Michael Lohan’s ex-wives are now living together, and the whole situation sounds like a giant mess.
As a quick refresher, Michael and Dina Lohan are Lindsay’s parents, and they divorced in 2007. In 2014, Michael married Kate Major, but they later separated in 2015. To thicken the plot here, everyone involved has some legal issues they’re dealing with right now. So, with that in mind, let’s dive in.
In January, Dina Lohan was arrested for drunk driving and leaving the scene of an accident, and she’ll likely face jail time, as it’s her second DWI in a 10-year period. Then, on February 9th, Kate Major was arrested for driving while intoxicated. These people really need to learn to just call an Uber.
But that’s not all! The very next day, Michael Lohan was also arrested after police responded to a domestic complaint from Kate Major. She claimed he had become physically and verbally abusive, and he was subsequently charged with “criminal obstruction of breathing or blood circulation” and harassment. The reports about the incident were vague, but the obstruction of breathing charge basically means choking or strangulation. Then last week, Michael Lohan emailed the Page Six tips hotline (yes, really) claiming that Major had fabricated the assault claims as a retaliation for him calling in her DWI to the police. Oh my god, these people are absolute nightmares.
Unsurprisingly, this isn’t the first time Lohan and Major have had issues like this. In 2011, he was arrested for assaulting her, but they got back together after the incident. If you’re wondering why Lohan and Major even spend time in the same room (because it seems ill-advised to me), it’s because they have two young children together (whom they lost custody of at one point in 2015), so they can’t just avoid each other indefinitely.
But on to the weirdest part. As I mentioned, Page Six sources are saying that Dina and Kate are currently “holed up in a makeshift anti-Mike commune” at Dina’s house in Long Island, which sounds like the premise for the world’s bleakest reality show. (But, to be clear, I would definitely tune in every week.) Like, I would live for an E! show about two middle-aged women chugging red wine and sh*t-talking their mutual ex-husband. It’s like Real Housewives, but all with one husband, and way more depressing. Honestly, let’s get a Sister Wives spin-off for Michael Lohan’s ex-wives.
Here’s my favorite part: when Page Six called Kate Major to comment on if the story was true, Dina snatched the phone, saying that she’s “been through it all before,” and right now she’s “being a mother” to Kate. Well, I guess that’s one way to confirm the theory that they’re living together. Kate Major is obviously in need of some help, but I’m not sure Dina Lohan, who, again, is probably going to prison later this year, is really equipped to provide that. Also, on the phone, Dina confusingly said “I love you” to one of the reporters. I’m still haunted by the time I called my teacher “mom” in third grade, so I feel for Dina.
I don’t know if Dina and Kate had a friendship in the past or anything, but the fact that they’re living together now is wild. It kind of makes me sad, because it seems like Kate Major might not really have anywhere else to go. I’ve heard it said that no good friendship is founded on mutual hatred of someone else (even though my personal friendships would prove the exact opposite is true), and this Michael Lohan ex-wives club seems like it could be a recipe for disaster. I guess this is all just temporary because all these people will probably be in jail in six months, but still, yikes. You know it’s bad when Lindsay Lohan is the most stable one in the family.
Images: Bryan Steffy/Getty Images
I’m a writer living in New York City, so obviously I’m obsessed with therapy. And two incontrovertible truths my shrink has told me? One: using humor as a defense mechanism to compensate for my emotional unavailability is only f*cking up any of my chances at a healthy, intimate relationship, thus making me destined for crippling loneliness. Two: parents are the sole reason that anyone is so f*cked up. It’s evident that mommy and daddy issues are the lifeblood of petty drama on a public scale, toxic celebrity relationships, and reality television. We love that sh*t at Betches. So let’s all raise a vodka soda to awful parents of celebrities. I’ve rounded up who I deem to be the worst celebrity parents, but be sure not to drink too much because that could mess with your antidepressants!
1. Stephen Baldwin
Dads can be so embarrassing. One time I was at a really chic, celebrity-studded spot and Hailey Baldwin was there with her dad. She looked gorgeous, tastefully dressed, and was absolutely flawless in person, whereas her dad was wearing a trucker hat and what I believe were board shorts. I thought it was bad when I went to a Halloween party when I was little with my dad dressed up like my mom. But trust me, what Stephen did to Hailey was ten times more embarrassing.
He also was recently out to lunch with Hailey and Justin when the newlyweds got into a tiff. Color me shocked that two crazy kids who barely dated before they got married are already having trouble in paradise. Onlookers noted that Stephen facilitated in resolving the situation, and then smacked Justin on the a**. Look, a lot of us want to grab Justin’s a**, but a lot of us aren’t creepy enough to actually go there. And if Stephen playing grab-the-booty with his son-in-law isn’t proof enough that he’s a mortifying dad, peep this Instagram video and tell me this isn’t enough incriminating evidence to get emancipated:
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The f*ck did I just watch?
2. Dina Lohan
Dina Lohan really loves her kids. Like, really, really loves her kids. See?
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It’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan played Cady Heron in Mean Girls when she had Regina George’s mom in real life. That is if Regina George’s mom allowed underage girls to drink inside a house that hosted happy hour 24 hours a day. Dina is known to go out clubbing with Lindsay, whose substance abuse issues have previously landed her in jail. Maybe not the best idea to blatantly enable your daughter that way? IDK, I don’t have kids. I’m just spitballing ideas here.
Dina also had a failed reality show called Living Lohan. It was about her trying to get her youngest daughter Ali’s career off the ground. Critics lambasted Dina, calling it “exploitative” and “trashy”. Most reality television is exploitative and trashy, but Dina somehow managed to make it completely unwatchable. The only redeeming quality about Dina is that one time she met my ex-best friend at Starbucks and told her that she resembled her daughter when her daughter was at her peak crackhead phase.
3. Joe Simpson
In classic Donald Trump fashion, father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson just loves to talk about his daughter’s bodies, specifically Jessica’s. Joe was quoted in a 2004 article for GQ saying, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got DOUBLE Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up!” That’s totally normal praise any father would give their daughter? Right???
In 2012, Simpson was caught cheating on his wife of 34 years with an aspiring male model, Bryce Chandler Hill. Hill was only 21 at the time (younger than both his daughters) and Simpson was 54. The two were introduced by a mutual friend of Ashlee and Jessica, so it doesn’t quite get more f*cked up than that. The affair allegedly went on for a year, but Simpson still denies all rumors about being gay to this day.
To top this all off, Simpson also had his Twitter account “hacked” back in 2014. For the hour he was locked out, his account posted over 40 tweets claiming that he was a child molester. That couples well with being accused of fitting your daughter for her training bra. Can someone say dad of the year?
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4. Billy Ray Cyrus
Okay, we all try to forget, but remember when Miley went through her awful phase? Like broke-up-with-Liam-twerked-on-giant-stuffed-animals-and-made-trash-music phase? Yeah, that wasn’t her fault. Ask any shrink out there, and they will tell you that your nasty skank phase is your parents’ fault. Miley even came forward and said Hannah Montana really f*cked her up. And who was instrumental in that? Her father.
I mean, Jesus Christ, not only did he play a stage parent, he played her father on the show and had the world’s most annoying catchphrases. Billy Ray later came forward and said the show ruined his family. Um, you’re an adult who should have his children’s best interest at heart. Miley was a clueless kid, so why’d you do it in the first place? Billy Ray is a one-hit wonder who piggybacked off his daughter’s fame 10 years ago. So he’s got loads of time on his hands. Maybe he should use that time to parent instead of posting sh*t on Twitter that only a teenage girl would post.
Much to think about. pic.twitter.com/8Er6a0qANY
— Billy Ray Cyrus (@billyraycyrus) June 9, 2015
5. Donald Trump
Look, every parent has a favorite kid, but good parents just refuse to admit it. Yet Donald Trump admitted that Tiffany is the daughter that he’s “less proud of.” Um, Tiffany is the only adult kid of his that probably isn’t going to be indicted for treason or whatever, so maybe take it easy on her.
His son Donald Trump Jr. is also probably going to be indicted because he was doing his father’s bidding. And besides Ivanka and her husband Jared’s legal transgressions, let’s focus on the fact that Donald seems to have the creepiest relationship on the planet with her. He once said she has a nice enough figure to be featured in Playboy. He also frequently makes comments about how hot her body is. Just like any dad would. He even went as far as to say that he would totally date her if he weren’t her father. Did Southern states vote for Trump because he’s just as chill with incest as they are? (LOL is that too far?) From being a father and husband to a businessman to the president to a decent human being, Donald Trump is clearly a horrific person on every level. But remember Hillary’s emails, though?
Images: (@stephenbaldwin7/Instagram; @sassyskips/Instagram; @charliercollection/Instagram; @billyrayecyrus/Twitter)