Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Colton Races Love And Love Loses

I never thought I’d say this, but like the Boys II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye” to The Bachelor Season 23. Yes, a season where we allowed a 26-year-old man to put us under Citizens Arrest for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Men and women canceled their new years resolutions in exchange for arguments with their TV and beating boxed wine to its expiration date. But hey, all good things must come to an end, right? Let’s hope one of them is this virginity talk. Let’s see how the two-night finale, that could’ve been an email, shook out.

Chris Harrison (dressed like a hearse driver) decides to rip the scab off that had began to heal by starting Monday’s finale with a recap of the season. Why put us through this pain AGAIN? You’ve already done it to us every Monday of 2019. For those that didn’t see every Monday episode, you still have more brain cells than the rest of us, and your IQ isn’t a single digit. But here’s a snippet of what you missed: Boy starts out with 30 women to date him, all but six Irish exit. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

We pick back up with Colton post-fence jump storming down the street because Domino’s Portugal is about to close in 5 minutes. (I understand his rage, because with no phone, you can’t call Postmates). After the producers find Colton via his Life Alert necklace, he screams at them: “I’m done. Done with the whole thing!” The response would make you think someone just asked him, “Are you finished with your vegetables?,” but no, Colton was referring to his time as The Bachelor. One of the producers gives him a big hug, consoles him, and whispers: “We got a show to produce, we already prepaid these dates, so you better love somebody.” After finding out that if he cancels the season, he’s financially responsible for the cost of the remaining dates, he changes his tune.

After a good night’s sleep on a twin extra long mattress, Colton decides to pay Tayshia a visit because she’s the only one with English channels on her TV. After he tells her that he’s only capable of loving one thing (which is a lie, I love Cinnabon and I love the color gray) she asks to speak to him without the cameras. This was probably the most upset I’ve been all season, because all seven-foot-twelve of Colton breaks out into tears, and we don’t get to see any of it. Just like that, Tayshia is now gone, and back to Orange County trying to get on a reboot of the MTV show The Hills.

The Bachelor season 23 finale

Nighttime falls, and Colton goes to visit Hannah G. who has been locked in a hotel room since before indoor plumbing was a thing. She’s super excited to tell Colton “I love you,” when all he plans on telling her is, “Your gate # is E15 back to Alabama.” Colton tries to communicate that he really thinks that they could be great together, and even tells her at one point: “I thought it was gonna be you.” Well I’m pretty sure she was thinking the same thing when you had your tongue near her pancreas in Thailand, but hey, things change.

At this point of the finale, Hannah G. comes out to show the post-Bachelor glow-up, and lets Colton have it in the most eloquent way possible. She pretty much lets him know, “What Cassie did to you, you did to me.” You can tell that was a prepared statement because she had it written on her hand like the answers to a high school Spanish test. Bachelor alums Ben Higgins, Blake, Garrett, and Jason come out to discuss what’s going on right now, but I really think they’re only there because Colton owes them money and keeps rejecting their Venmo requests. PAY UP, COLTON.

One thing to not be forgotten is that in this way-too-long-finale, Cassie says, “Colton wants a wife and family, and I’m not ready for that.” I’m pretty sure that’s the FIRST question on the Bachelor/Bachelorette application that we fill out.

Question 1: Are you ready to be married? If yes, proceed to question 2. If no, what the hell are you doing here?

In another attempt to live life with fewer brain cells, we subject ourselves to another two hours that could’ve been a voicemail on Tuesday. Colton realizes that he missed his flight home, and since the next flight to the Americas isn’t for another 48 hours, he might as well go to Home Depot, get some kneepads, and beg for his girl back. Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel unannounced, with no gifts, no flowers, no nothing. This shows the lack of commitment here, because my 30 years of experience with women on this earth tells me if you at LEAST show up with hummus, they’ll at bare minimum listen to you.

After being forced out of her room by production, Colton tells Cassie that he sent Tayshia and Hannah home, to which she laughs in his face, and says how weird/crazy he is. Let’s set the record straight. Colton may be one thing, but he’s not weird! Definitely is crazy though, because I’ve seen him go several minutes without blinking, and that in itself should be enough for him to have to wear one of those jackets that make you hug yourself.  Colton continues to beg like a toddler at bedtime, and Cassie decides to meet his family in Spain get another free first class trip.

Fake Packing

Cassie meets the family, and I can already tell that Momma Colton wants to beat Cassie’s ass for showing up empty-handed. Colton and his mother talk and she expresses her concerns, and Colton wants to hear none of it because, like finding Michelle Obama’s book at the library, there are no options left. Colton’s dad probably calls it how it is the most, telling Colton, “I just think you want what you can’t have.” I think this is probably true, and makes sense why I want Meghan Markle so much because she hasn’t returned any of my calls.

After convincing her to not reject him on TV again, Colton and Cassie enjoy their final date in Portugal. They take a nice ride in a Jeep and rappel down a cliff to Yogi Bear & Boo Boo’s leftover picnic basket. The love that Colton has for this girl is evident because he does all of this in dress shoes, which makes me think that the $2 shoe rental I paid at rock climbing last week was complete BS. During the picnic, Cassie begins to have a little bit of a deeper convo, and tells Colton she’s scared of a relationship controlling your life. Again, I ask: “WHAT SHOW DID YOU SIGN UP FOR?” Thinking a relationship controls your life is as narrow-minded as thinking that the cartoon roadrunner is ever going to get caught. Not. Gonna Happen.

At the night portion of the final date, Cassie and Colton have the weirdest interaction possible. It’s just weird because he won’t stop smiling, and she can’t get this “WTF are you smiling at?” look off her face. After saying that she’s open to a Costco sized bag of relationship, Cassie and Colton head to the fantasy suite. Like a boy who’s excited to play Nintendo for the first time, Colton kicks everyone out the room so he can take off Cassie’s “wrapping.” By all indications, there was some ACTION that night. Cassie’s hair looked like she slept in the dryer on “Tumble.” At the after show, Colton wouldn’t confirm that he now knows what the inside of a condom wrapper looks like, but given the fact that he pranced to the hot seat, we can only guess that he did the deed.

The Bachelor season 23 finale

The end of the show reveals that Hannah B. will be our new Bachelorette, which also means the amount of teeth you’re going to see on your screen in the coming months will drastically increase.

This has been a tiring, and tumultuous season, and I never thought I’d wish someone got laid more than me.

Images: Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter (2)

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Someone Go Check On Hannah G.

We have made it to week nine, and I can’t believe it’s taken more than two months for us to reach the high point of this season. No, not referring to a proposal, I’m referring to a fence jump that we all could EASILY see if we watched any episode of COPS. The fact that we’ve been waiting this long to see Colton jump over something that’s shorter than his stack of expired Trojans boggles my mind. Let’s see if it lived up to the hype…

Monday’s episode kicks off with Chris Harrison and Colton sitting on the steps of the house from Forrest Gump, where Colton is requesting sleeping bags to be present in the unavoidable and dreaded fantasy suites. After telling him “We can’t do that, but I’ll look into bunk beds,” Chris settles Colton’s nerves and reassures him that it’s just like riding a bike. Yea, but this 20-something-year-old’s bike needs training wheels.

As a last attempt to gain platinum status on United, Colton and the three remaining girls pack their bags and head to Portugal. Realizing that this may be the country where he loses his virginity, Colton takes several selfies in order to compare ‘Before’ and ‘After’ look. Spoiler alert: you look the same after having sex. But who’s going to have a shot at stealing his V-card first? Tayshia, you’re up to bat.

As Tayshia is walking through the streets of Portugual looking for the nearest payphone to arrange a getaway car, she stumbles upon Colton, and realizes that she might as well go on this date. After seeing that Colton has an Enterprise Helicopter key, her mood perks up. For those keeping track at home, this is the third time they’ve been in the air together. Bungee jumping, skydiving, and now a helicopter. (Air Colton > Ground Colton, apparently.) After talking about Portugal’s chief exports (don’t watch if you’re narcoleptic, as this date is sleep-inducing), they land, and then head to a cliff to enjoy a picnic with a view. Except they don’t. That picnic basket is emptier than Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Because making out on a cliff is too cliché, they head to a lighthouse, where kissing is not only welcomed, but encouraged.

Wardrobe change, aka, night date time! Tayshia and Colton chat over dinner about her previous marriage, and how she divorced him because he refused to put the toilet seat down. (Statistics show that this is the cause of 80% of divorces.) Sticking with the week one storyline, Colton continues to talk about what could be about to happen in the next couple of hours, and how he’s open to it. The whole date, he continues to say: “I appreciate you.” Colton, Colton, Colton. This is where you say: “I love you.” You say: “I appreciate you” to someone who bails you out of jail, or to a friend who buys you a drink because you left your credit card at the bar the night before.

Upon opening the fantasy suite card, we see two things. 1. That Chris Harrison writes in Comic Sans and 2. This boy is nervous! Tayshia takes Colton up on the invite to the suite, and Here. We. Go. In the background, they have the soundtrack to Aladdin playing, and you just know it’s about to be “A Whole New World.” Except it wasn’t. By all indications of how Tayshia woke up the next morning, that bed definitely had a pillow wall between the two. There are “after sex” cues that should be visible the next morning, and Tayshia had none of them. She looked upset, hair was fresh from the beauty salon, and she was still wearing her belt from last night. According to my math, adding all those things up equates to no sex in the champagne room. If the deed was done, Tayshia would’ve woken up dehydrated, hair in ponytail, and stumbling around the apartment butt-ass naked looking for pancake mix. Verdict? Virginity still intact.

Realizing that Cassie has been twiddling her thumbs for 48 hours straight, Colton makes his way to pick her up in a Model-T Ford from the 1860s. After spending some time walking around town, dancing with Portuguese mistresses, and trying to fight his way into the friendzone, Cassie and Colton sit to reflect about hometowns. He tells her, “I could really see myself being a part of your family,” and she responds with, “I like string cheese.” To be fair, who doesn’t? But Cassie, come on, wrong place, wrong time. Cassie has not been emotionally available for Colton this entire season, and like his NFL career, it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Colton is really laying it on thick, but he does tell Cassie that her father didn’t give him his blessing. Cassie seems shocked, but I’ve seen better acting from a puppy in a PetsMart commercial. Not buying it.

In typical father fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up unannounced in the first ever Bachelor minivan to let her know “Just so you know, Colton is not invited to the cookout.” He lectures her about how you know when you love someone, and Cassie communicates that, like learning pre-calculus, she’ll get there eventually. The luggage-less father returns to the airport to fly home because he left his hazards on at LAX, and they don’t play around at Arrivals.

After the impromptu visit from her dad, Cassie has made the decision that since she’s paid LA rent for all these months, she’s going to go home and get her money’s worth. The night portion of the date is filmed in a Portuguese open house, and this is where the episode starts to be somewhat interesting. Colton continues to tell her he loves her, and Cassie dodges those bullets like 6th grade dodgeball tournament.

How long are Cassie & Colton contractually obligated to sit on this IKEA living room set??#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 5, 2019

Transcript of Colton & Cassie’s Date:
Colton: “I love you.”
Cassie: “Portugal is amazing.”
Colton: “I hope I’m with you in the end.”
Cassie: “Bacon is my favorite!”
Colton: “I feel differently with you.”
Cassie: “Wool scarves makes me itch.”

Cassie tells him that she doesn’t think she can get there, but she wanted to tell him in person, because this is her favorite dress and she thinks America will love it too. He then throws every Hail Mary in the book, including “I think of you even when I’m with the other girls.” Cassie says “That’s cool and all, but can you drop me off at the airport?” Finding her own ride, Cassie leaves, and Colton heads back to his room…alone. Seeing that room service forgot to make him a towel swan for the day, he screams “I’M DONE!” and starts running. Production, stray dogs, and even Chris Harrison in his Patagonia quarter-zip (in the midst of his cucumber facial) chase Colton as he storms off the property. The only thing preventing him from leaving the property is this white fence, and Colton shows that, unlike the movie, white men CAN jump, and even gets a perfect score from the Russian judge on the landing. He sprints out into the Portuguese night, nowhere to be found. I mean, he has to return right? Not only does he have the only key to Hannah G.’s room, but continental breakfast on the property ends at 11am. Only time will tell…or the spoilers.

The Women Tell All

Before we get to find out if Colton even wants to know what Hannah G. is like in the third fantasy suite, these women get their last chance to solidify Instagram deals say their peace. As an only child, I’m not sure what growing up with siblings is like, but after seeing this, I’m DEFINITELY glad I didn’t grow up with a house full of sisters. With all these girls talking over each other, my Closed Captioning went into overdrive and knocked the power out of an entire Chicago city block.

Not gonna lie, when they introduced the cast, I was 100% sure that most of these people were paid actresses, since I don’t remember them AT all. They start off with Catherine, and she decides it’s too sunny in the studio, so she provides a few fellow cast members with some shade. I just wish someone would’ve commented on her pantsuit that would’ve made Roseanne jealous.

Nicole and Onyeka revisit their “feud,” and this is far from family-related. Onyeka proves that she wasn’t a bully by breaking down the Oxford definition, and Nicole proves that she’s a mime, because she doesn’t say sh*t. I actually feel bad for Nicole, because she’s trying to get a word in, but Onyeka’s mouth runs on diesel, so you know it’s not stopping soon.

The bomb that Katie dropped on her way out (“You have some people remaining not here for marriage”) is addressed and she mentions names this time: Caelynn and Cassie. Caelynn is the only one there to defend herself, and she does say she was there for the right reason, and that was to get sponsored by Crate & Barrel, because she’s too old to sit on IKEA furniture she can’t pronounce. Other girls pile on Katie’s side, and at the same time, are uninviting themselves to Caelynn’s C&B housewarming party in the process.

Demi vs. Courtney might be the best battle of the night. I wouldn’t call this World War 3, but more like, “Battle for the Last Pair of XS Lululemon Yoga Pants.” Demi comes out with several clapbacks, and Courtney sits there silent, not blinking, like she’s at an optometrist appointment. Courtney, can you read these letters on the chart: “U–R-Done.” After being called “bed bugs of the house,” Courtney puts her tail between her legs and retreats.

Hannah B. and Caelynn get their time to say their peace as well. Hannah B. says she’s still looking for someone to love her fiercely, but more importantly, ABC lets her redo her disaster of a toast, which is already better because she used actual words this time. Caelynn got to confront Colton about what really happened, and he pretty much told her he found out she still owed past due fees at Blockbuster, and he didn’t need anyone that irresponsible in his life in 2019.

Next week is the FINAL week, and then we get to return to life as normal. Wait, has someone let Hannah G. out of her room yet?!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @diggymoreland / Twitter

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Colton Jumps To Conclusions Instead Of Over Fences

The. Final. Four. No, I’m not referring to the best sporting event ever, March Madness. I’m referring to the final four ladies who are battling for their right to go on the longest press tour of their lives, an all-expenses-paid wedding, and can finally answer what girls all over America are going to wonder: “So how was IT?!” But before we get to cutting wedding cakes, let’s see Colton squirm a bit more during hometown visits.

Episode 8 starts with Colton taking the first indoor shower we’ve seen all season. The fact that we know his bathing regimen (all water, no soap) is mind-boggling, but at least there’s a roof this time. If the soapless shower doesn’t make your skin crawl, the fact that he packs only a carry-on to four cities should. Just when I think this dude knows nothing, I see Ugg slippers in the corner which allows him to COMPLETELY redeem himself (UGG Slipper fan here…..not sponsored).

A visit to Caelynn’s hometown of Fredericksburg, VA is up first. Caelynn greets Colton with kisses and a horse and carriage ride which tells me two things: 1) She’s completely romantic and 2) Late night booty calls in the 1860s were ROUGH. Since Colton’s jeans are too tight for an actual wallet, he takes the two dollars he has and they grab ice cream and chat in the forest. Caelynn gives him her family breakdown, and preps Colton for the hard-hitting questions like: “Which biscuits are better, Red Lobster or Popeyes?” Answer: It’s a tie.

Finally making it to Caelynn’s home, we meet her entire family in the backyard which includes the immediate family, neighbors who just want to be on TV, and the Asian ER nurse from Grey’s Anatomy who never has any lines. Her stepdad John tries to act like a tough guy, but America can’t take you seriously while you rock the #6 from the haircut chart at SuperCuts, so we see right through it. Ariana (Caelynn’s sister) says she “Can’t see Caelynn with Colton.” Here’s a tip: Wear less than 10 pounds of eye shadow, you might be able to open your eyes and see their future together. All in all, a pretty successful hometown, and while Colton asks for her dad’s permission to propose like he’s asking for dessert seconds, John says yes.

Next Up? Hannah G. in Alabama! Eager to get to some warm weather and see some ACTUAL football, Colton makes it to Birmingham. Realizing that Colton kissed a girl and learned how to use a fork at the same age, she makes him take an etiquette class before stepping foot in her parents’ house. Walking with a book on his head, and doing other things you might see at the Westminster dog show, Hannah G. has Colton jump through hoops with the etiquette trainer, and she finally brings him home.

“What makes you qualified to marry my daughter?”

Me: “Well today I balanced a book on my head”

— Colton Underwood (@colton) February 26, 2019

This is my favorite hometown of the four by FAR. Not only because Hannah G.’s mom looked like a cast member from Family Guy, but mostly because I’ve never seen so many “Can I speak to the manager haircuts” in one place. (If you don’t know what I’m referring to, Google it. Thank me later.) Colton sits down for dinner (buttering his bread correctly thanks to the etiquette class) they begin asking him about his intentions, and he tries his best. The whole time, I get the feeling that I’m watching a bad political campaign commercial, and most of that’s driven by the fact that Hannah’s father is dressed like a presidential candidate. After a long day with the cast of Fried Green Tomatoes, Colton tells Hannah that he loves her while staring at the gnome from the Expedia commercials.

I just watched #thebachelor to the end, and saw Hannah G. Family do their “rap.”

Someone please hit me with the “Men In Black” mind eraser, because I can’t unsee that.

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 26, 2019

Next on the Hometown Tour: Tayshia in Orange County! Tayshia decides to start the day off with a big surprise for Colton, and won’t let him see, and that includes blindfolding him even the car ride where he hits his head en route. (No one feels sorry that you hit your head, Colton, because that’s what we’ve been doing intentionally against the wall every Monday since this season started.) As if their bungee jump overseas wasn’t enough, Tayshia takes love to a new height again by taking Colton skydiving. Unsure like he’s trying to open a condom wrapper one-handed, Colton mans up and takes the plunge for love. Colton says he doesn’t want to die a virgin because he heard that “it’s” real good. We’re not talking about Cinnabon here Colton, but yes. Sex. Is. Good.

Back on solid ground, Tayshia takes Colton home to a family that just sits on the couch waiting for the doorbell to ring. Rant Time: See, this is where I get annoyed. No family just sits on the couch and allows someone to walk in. Where’s the realistic doorbell rings and mom screaming: “Who the hell is it?” and then answering the door with her wig on crooked and flour all over her hand from cooking, or the father answering the door with a beer-stained tank top. Now THAT’S realistic. Rant over.

Tayshia’s family sits down for dinner, and I’m already uncomfortable because there are way too many collared shirts for a dinner at my own house. Tayshia’s mom takes her to a bedroom with a cross above the bed where they talk in the bed with their shoes on. I’m assuming the cross is there to get rid of the evilness that will exist in the sheets since you tracked your dirty shoes on the mattress. At the same time we realize that Desmond (Tayshia’s dad) is a BBQ master because he is GRILLING Colton outside. After several rounds of questioning, and Tayshia saying she likes her meat well done, Desmond gives Colton his blessing.

Last but not least, Cassie in Huntington Beach. Cassie starts out by giving Colton one of many future lessons in “firsts,” but this one includes surfing. While Cassie is an awesome surfer, Colton’s skill level leaves much to be desired. I’ll say this: If his first time surfing is any indication of his first time doing other things, someone is going to be UPSET.  Cassie realizes that everything isn’t for everybody, so she decides to bring him home anyway.

the bachelor

Cassie’s family is adorable and I feel like I’m 10 years old and watching TGIF all over again. Providing more body contact than someone giving CPR, Colton is really handsy at this hometown. You can genuinely tell that her family wants someone perfect for her, while most parents would just want their 23-year-old out their home. This whole hometown shows that Cassie is as unsure about her feelings for Colton, and it really makes him like her more. (Yea, us guys like the chase.) Colton chats with Cassie’s pops, and the fixated eye contact her dad has with him shows that his favorite hobby has to be watching plants grow. Colton thinks things are going well with her dad and when asking for permission to propose he gets the “I’m going to take a raincheck on that.” Ouch, we can’t even fix that blemish in post edit.

Time for roses! Chris Harrison (if you forgot, the host of the show) returns from his nap caused by this season putting him to sleep. This rose ceremony takes place in a beautiful house, that looks like it could be the first ever Chick-Fil-A. The ladies show up, but all Uber meters stay running to whisk someone off to the airport.

Roses go to Hannah, Tayshia, and Cassie, even though she was quoted as saying: “I don’t want this to be over” instead of “I love you.” Free room and board? Cassie, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want it to be over either. LA rent is expensive.

Caelynn, cheer up. Paradise will be worth the wait.

All I’m going to say is, if what happened the last time the Bachelor told several contestants he loved them is any indication of what might happen next, this isn’t going to end well…..

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: I’ve Seen Disney Movies With More Action

We are on to week 7 of The Bachelor, and the coldest winter on record continues to be fueled by the lack of heat on our TV sets Monday nights.  However, like the game Oregon Trail, there’s no turning back, so we have to keep our eyes glued to the TV. Not because we care if Colton finds love or not, but mostly because we want to see how the fence jump occurred. Let’s dive face first into episode 7.

Colton starts the episode with the usual Skype session with himself wondering why everyone keeps telling him that people are there for the wrong reasons. I mean, do you think these girls actually want to be married? They are there to secure FabFit Fun box deals, free Coachella tickets, and nothing more. ABC realizes that it has tapped out its Amazing Race-like budget so they head back to the states and land in Denver. Jaywalking around the town, Colton runs into Ben Higgins at what must be the soft opening of the newest coffee shop in town, because no one is there. At this point, I’m thinking this is where ABC has thrown in the towel on Colton and is going to let Ben finish this season off, but to no avail. Ben gives him some last minute advice like: “Sucks to be you!” and then heads off to get all the medicinal weed that Colorado has to offer.

Meeting in the park with all the girls and some dog who has been quoted saying, “I didn’t sign up for all this,” Colton spontaneously decides to take Tayshia from the group for an impromptu solo date. Colton takes her on a series of “his favorite Saturday day activities” (including Oyster eating, wine tasting, and ice cream tasting), which gives us more insight into his lack of sexual activity, because it’s hard to sweet talk a girl when your breath smells like Bikini Bottom (and I mean that in the Spongebob way).

In between wine sips, Colton asks Tayshia about the fakeness that’s going on in the house, and Tayshia begins singing faster than Mariah Carey at an open mic. She tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn aren’t genuine and that they’re looking at potentially being the next Bachelorette because those endorsement checks are MAJOR. Colton wants to wash the stench of this news off his body, but there’s not an outdoor shower near to do so, so he and Tayshia just continue on their merry way. Later in the evening, Colton and Tayshia make dinner together cooking the rice one grain at a time, and they spend more time talking about her family, and how accepted Colton will be. Pro Tip: As long as you know how to play spades at the cookout, you’ll be accepted. Tayshia gets a rose, and now can confidently wear pajamas to the next rose ceremony.

Next Date Card Winner? Caelynn! Caelynn meets Colton atop a mountain to do a first with Colton. Get your mind out of the gutter, I’m talking about the fact that she’s never been snowboarding. Somehow gravity is losing because they’re going UP the mountain, but eventually they find the bottom. After getting to the cabin to show off their fly (read: sponsored) snow gear, Colton gets down to the hard questions about asking about Caelynn’s questions. Caelynn tells him that she’s definitely trying to be there to the end because her LA apartment won’t be ready for another three weeks, so she can’t go home just yet. I think it’s important to note that lack of eye contact Caelynn has during the entire scene makes me wonder if she indeed is telling the truth. Truth be told, I’ve seen bobble head dolls maintain better eye contact.

At the night portion of the date (at what I think is the basement of a Cracker Barrel), Colton continues to try to pry farther into Caelynn’s intentions. Caelynn continues to get emotional because she forgot to bring her wallet to pay her half of the bill, and her nails are too pretty to be subject to dishwashing duty. Somehow Caelynn manages to cry while smiling, and Colton eats it up. He gives her the rose to stick around, mostly because he knows she has a few more rose ceremony gowns to rock. They end the night dancing alone like that one couple that refuses to leave the bar until the lights come on.

After her date, Caelynn and Cassie spend some time talking about how they’ve been singled out by Tayshia, and what kind of scissors are best to cut her hair as revenge. Caelynn confronts Tayshia about the rumors, and Tayshia tells her ain’t no “I” in Caelynn, but there is in Tayshia and says f*ck your feelings.

Yet another one-on-one date is given out, and it goes to Hannah B. Colton being homesick, but more so the fact that he brought only one pair of pants on this journey, he takes her home to visit his parents. Colton and his pops spend most of the time outside comparing deep V’s, while Colton’s mom is indoors with Hannah, and trust me, the chicken isn’t the only thing being grilled. Colton’s mom asks the hard questions like: “What’s your credit score?” and “do you know how to fold a fitted sheet?”

The night portion of the date is in an airport hangar, which foreshadows that she might be closer to a flight home than she thinks. She continues to shower Colton with praises, but we all know the only shower he likes is outdoors with no shirt on. Colton finally is upfront with her and tells her: “Even though you’re dressed like a princess, this won’t be a fairytale ending.” Colton tells her he doesn’t want to fly to Alabama for hometowns since the Crimson Tide lost to Clemson, so he’s going to send her home alone.

The remaining four ladies participate in the weirdest game of “Connect Four” possible. Cassie, Kirpa, Hannah G., and Heather all get in a limo for some group date fun. They arrive at an outdoor park to see Colton show up on Thomas the Tank engine, and he whisks them away. Riding along the tracks in the train from Wild Wild West, Colton lets these girls know that he’s no longer playing games. Heather hears this and decides she doesn’t want Colton to be a witness when her father kills her for kissing a boy, so she bows out.

Colton has one-on-one time with Cassie, and she confronts the rumors a lot better than Caelynn did. Fighting back tears, she tells Colton that she wants to bring him home because she has three carry-ons, and he only has one. Showing that she knows more than sign language, Kirpa speaks up to tell Colton that he needs to be careful with whom he keeps around.  Cassie and Kirpa go back and forth arguing about rumors, while Hannah G. is wondering why there isn’t hummus here when she was promised some.

At the night portion of the evening, Colton immediately gives Hannah G. a rose and sends her back to the house because he doesn’t need her to witness the bloodbath that’s about to happen. While this is happening, Cassie and Kirpa sit at the dinner table with the awkwardness of a man with no mouth in a pie eating contest. Caelynn (not on the date) appears out of nowhere to tell Colton to not send anyone home based on rumors, but do it based on how they look (like a true beauty queen would say). Colton ends up following his gut and gives the final rose to Cassie (mostly because he’s hungry and she’s an excellent chef). This means we lose Kirpa just as she was transitioning from narrator to an actual contestant in week 7.

To be honest, this week was one of the more dramatic ones….but I’ve still seen Disney movies with more action. Until next week!!

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Sydney Who??

With this winter seeming like the longest one on record, the only thing that seems longer is this season of The Bachelor and our quest for some girl to tell Colton “You ARE the father!” How does that groundhog thing work again? Either way, whether he sees his shadow or not, can we just skip to the end of this season so I can know who to suck up to for a wedding invite? Let’s see how many girls cried their fresh lashes out this week on The Bachelor.

We pick up where we left off last week, with a stressed out Colton listening to Onyeka and Nicole battle it out about who is going to get the bed without the mosquito net in Thailand. Given Colton’s history of being indecisive, he continues that trend and sends both of them home. Dressed like an expired banana, Onyeka is now really pissed because she just saw her ability to model sh*tty sunglasses go up in flames. Nicole is actually somewhat excited to go home because she finally realized that Thailand’s Cuban coffee has nothing on her mom’s in Miami.

Next Location? Vietnam! (Let me remind you, we have not been in the US since the MANSION.) The girls walk through the house like the opening episode of MTV Cribs, and they realize that they’ll never ever have a vacation like this again, so they have to make it to the end. I mean, fall in love forever. In the search for the bathroom with the triple-ply toilet paper, they find a date card, and lucky Hannah G. gets her first one-on-one with Colton.

The day portion of this date takes place at a Vietnamese spa where they tell you you’re ugly, wrap you in lettuce, put mayonnaise on your face and then tell you: “Oh my god, your skin is glowing!”

These two don’t mind, because the date is free and Colton likes mayo. After being completely covered in McDonald’s special sauce and palm fronds, Colton talks about how attractive Hannah G. is, and starts making moves that are pretty advanced for someone who hasn’t had to unwrap a condom yet. Oh yeah, we also have our SECOND booty grab in as many weeks.

The night portion of the date is a romantic outdoor setting where everything is perfect, and the only things clashing are Colton’s shirt and the tablecloth. Hannah G. tells Colton it’s hard for her to open up, but she tries by telling him a story about her dad, his love for his yard, and her mom doing doughnuts in it, aka them getting a divorce. This hits home for me, because I remember messing up the yard once, and my mom tried to put me up for adoption. Messing up the yard = families being torn apart. Serenaded by the soundtrack to Rush Hour 3, Colton and Hannah dance the night away.

The next date card arrives and the next staff field trip belongs to Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi. The girls leave in their extreme athletic wear prepared to “fight” for Colton’s love. They arrive to see Colton win the most scripted fight since Cardi B. v. Nicki Minaj, and are excited to let out some aggression on the other girls.

Sydney v. Heather: A match that makes your ears bleed, mostly because it sounds like Heather swallowed a whistle.
Hannah B. v. Cassie: I’ve seen more athleticism from a stack of Jenga blocks.
Demi v. Katie: Proves that small dogs are all bark and no bite, because Demi shrank more than most guys in cold water ;).

Night time! Who’s Sydney? You’re wondering, Colton’s wondering, and America is wondering. She makes herself KNOWN tonight.  She pretty much tells Colton that if he can’t get there with her, that she needs to go home because she’s paying for her Netflix account and not using it. Colton gives her the “I hope we can get there!” generic answer, and she seems somewhat content…or so he thought. Sydney doubles back later to say: “Not only am I paying for Netflix, I’m paying for Hulu too!” Realizing that Netflix + Hulu > Colton, Sydney takes three connecting flights home, fully prepared to beg for her job back.



Sydney getting all these airline miles and we haven’t heard her voice since “Hi, name is Sydney.”#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 12, 2019

Missing from the last group date was Kirpa, meaning she’s the recipient of the one-on-one date! I know you’re thinking: “Who the f*ck is Kirpa?” Hint: She the one that looked like she was doing chin-ups on broken glass last week. Very soft-spoken, and probably has the prettiest teeth around, we know little about her, but she’s still in the running. This date is VERY anticlimactic, and I’ve seen more lively things in a morgue. A nice lunch where the most interesting thing was the table setting, and a dip in the sea because none of them knew where to wash their hands, make up the day portion of the date.

The night portion of the date is pretty bland, and the most exciting part of the date is that Colton’s shirt matched his shoes. Kirpa opens up a bit, telling us that she was engaged before to a virgin, and so Colton has nothing to worry about. Given the boredom that Kirpa exudes, I’m wondering if the breakup was caused by her fiancé falling asleep and drowning in his soup at dinner? Kirpa’s pretty smile and innocence get her the date rose, and allow her to continue on her quest to Platinum Status on United.

Demi is still pissed about not getting a one-on-one, and she goes to create her own alone time once Colton’s back from his nap date with Kirpa. It boggles my mind that Demi really is wondering why she hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Colton yet. (My guess, because no one wants to be left alone with CRAZY.) Demi insinuates that after tonight Colton might not be a virgin anymore, and now my interest has piqued. But given Colton’s history, and how tight his pants are, that V card is not going anywhere. Having Demi walk through several metal detectors, with The Bachelor security in the room, and him speaking through six inches of class, he tells Demi: “I’m just not that into you.” Fearing for his life, he quickly escorts her off the premises and has his number changed. ABC really should save some money and just fly her directly to Mexico since Bachelor in Paradise is where she’s going to end up anyway.

With just enough girls to fill a conference room, it’s rose ceremony time. Colton decides to forgo the cocktail party because he’s trying to finish the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix since he has no idea how it ends. Already with roses are Tayshia, Kirpa, and Hannah G. Roses are immediately given to Hannah B., Caelynn, and Cassie, leaving Heather (never been kissed) and Katie (AMAZING eyes) to fight over the last flower. Dressed in what resembles an ankle sock, Heather gets the final rose because just one kiss isn’t enough on national TV. Katie pretty much tells Colton “Don’t let me catch you in the streets because I’m two weeks away from getting my gun license.“ (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s definitely what she wanted to say.)

This week’s episode was monotonous, and if this season doesn’t pick up, I’m going to find something better to do on Mondays. Like watching paint dry.  

Images: ABC; Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Only Way To Leave Miami Is To Be Kicked Out

Week FIVE! Week FIVE, Week FIVE!!!! I’m solely excited because if my math is correct, I believe that we’re closer to the end of the season than we are the beginning. I’m not actually sure that’s the case, but it for sure makes these Mondays easier to digest thinking that Colton’s season is over soon. Okay, let’s see how annoying this Monday’s events were.

Monday’s episode kicks off with the girls leaving Singapore (no doubt in my mind they got kicked out the country for extreme boredom) and heading to Thailand, which, due to the cheap dates on this season, I wouldn’t be surprised if they took the Megabus. After settling in the new country, a date card shows up and it presents our “Never Been Kissed” friend Heather (who will be referred to as “NBK” from here on out) with a one-on-one date. Dressed in a shirt that could only be made by Waze or Google Maps, Colton and Heather take a boat tour looking at cliffs and water. I’ll spare you the cliffhanger, this is as exciting as this date gets.

Back at the Thailand Holiday Inn Express, Elyse starts to wonder why she doesn’t get a one-on-one every time, and all the girls look at her like she’s crazy. Newsflash Elyse: You signed up for The Bachelor. Quick synopsis of how this show works: 30 girls makeout with the same guy for 2 months, and the girl with the least chapped lips at the end wins. If you want something that’s cut and dry, the show “Deal or No Deal” has your name written all over it.

Continuing on their date, we see the two lamest people look at each other’s lips, realizing that they have zero experience with using them outside of blowing out candles. When I tell you this date was bad to watch, it was at the point that I started to envy every blind person. ABC continues to play up the “Will She Lose Her Kissing Virginity?” and at this point, we don’t know if she will or not. They then go to dinner and Heather talks about how at one point she was ready to kiss someone but wasn’t sure if he was the right one. Heather is definitely that woman at Whole Foods that touches all 400 available bananas and then comes back the next day to see the next shipment.

Heather: “I’ve wanted to kiss someone, but I didn’t know if they were the person for me.”

Heather, you’re just kissing someone, not co-signing a mortgage for them.#theBachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 5, 2019

Moving the awkwardness to the beach, ABC throws the biggest “hurry the f*ck up” signal by launching fireworks into the sky, and Colton then takes Heather’s kissing virginity. If this is the direction the franchise is moving, can we at least move this show to Nick @ Nite?

Elyse is back at the hotel getting dressed in her makeshift Tinkerbell costume from college, knowing that she needs to talk to Colton the minute he gets back. She walks to his villa in a country where she’s never been before wearing heels—that in itself signifies that this girl gives ZERO f*cks. She then goes on about how she wants to take things slow and she wants to know the stupid silly things Colton does, like tucking his pants in his socks. She then realizes this show isn’t for her and quickly walks into the darkness off the set of The Bachelor. The best things about going home in that dress? TSA can see right through it, so she won’t have to empty her pockets.

The next group date (Tayshia, Kirpa, Caelyyn, Hannah B, Demi, Sydney, Hannah G., Kate, Nicole, Onyeka) takes place where Destiny’s Child filmed the “Survivor” video. Yes, they are in the JUNGLE. They have a tour guide that shows them around, and he talks about how he survived in the jungle his whole life. After lessons from the Boy Scout-Thailand division on how not to die, the girls are split up into teams to find and create their own survival kit. Tayshia creatively devises time to get alone time for her and Colton, while Demi and her team bring back Champagne and burgers. It’s worth mentioning that Postmates can deliver to the middle of the jungle in Thailand, but can’t get to the second floor of my condo building…

We get to the night portion of the date, and things start to heat up. (Not really hot though, so don’t get your hopes up.) Onyeka tells Colton that before Elyse left, she mentioned to her that Nicole was only there to try to “get out of Miami.” Says who?? That right there is a lie. If you’ve ever been to Miami, you know that you get KICKED out of Miami, you don’t just leave. The amount of targets that Onyeka now has on her has left the retail chain looking at her as their new spokesperson. Colton asks Nicole about this rumor, and she lets him know that she signed a 2-year lease and she can’t leave. Tayshia backs up Nicole’s story, and Onyeka realizes that she messed up, especially since Nicole was her ride home from the airport after filming. Hannah B. gets the group date rose, and the only thing we’re left wondering is what Nicole is going to use Onyeka’s hair on fire.   

That’s a lie!! I’ve been to Miami…..aint NOBODY trying to leave. #theBachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 5, 2019

By process of elimination, Cassie has the one-on-one date, and she’s beyond giddy. Following the boat theme, they go out on the sea and end up on this private island that is the size of a vanilla wafer.  They end up making out non-stop and there’s not much else. Oh but wait! Colton fumbles a lot of things like footballs and conversations….but what he didn’t fumble is that BOOTY grab that Cassie enjoyed. The island date isn’t much more than her asking production for more Burt’s Bees because Colton sucked it all off.

Later in the night, Colton and Cassie continue to vibe, and you can tell they have that AP Chemistry. Cassie opens up about how being on the show is making her life now open to the public and extremely vulnerable. Well Cassie, if you told your mom you were going to audition to be on Jeopardy!, she gonna be UPSET when she finds out the truth. They then have a nightcap in Colton’s bed, which STILL could be on ABC Family because no skin was shown.

Cocktail Party time hints that maybe we finally get some drama. Nicole gets one last chance to plead her case with Colton to reassure him, and in the midst she tries to pull Onyeka under the bus with her, stating that Onyeka threatened her several times. In an argument between Nicole and Onyeka that can only be rivaled by sibling girls in a house with one bathroom, these girls argue so loud that it interrupts Colton’s other dates and causes him stress. Yes, the man who hasn’t had sex is NOW finally stressed out. We end the episode with Colton walking out on the two arguing, and him realizing that he has to throw out yet another box of expired condoms. Talk about stressful.

All I know is that both these girls need to go home. On Spirit Airlines. In a middle seat.

Images: Diggy Moreland / Twitter (2); Giphy

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Courtney Is The Chicken Pox Of The House

Another Monday where most of the country is in subzero temps means no one is leaving the house, so might as well watch some Bachelor. We’re on week 4 of this roller coaster ride of a season (sarcasm), which means about half of the girls are at home thinking of the best IG caption for them to sell that Dyson hair dryer that they can’t live without. (Newsflash: The dryer is about six months old, and you were living before then, so who’s the liar?) Let’s get to it, because I need to go to Whole Foods before I go to bed.

The episode kicks off after last week’s rose ceremony with all the girls having a pow-wow in the living room about how they’re all running out of outfits, and they need to start switching so they don’t repeat. While eyeing up who might be their size, Chris Harrison walks in to tell them it’s time to go to Singapore! A few problems with this: 1) They only find out ONE hour before they leave for Singapore? I hope they aren’t flying Southwest because just finding out one hour prior to flight time with no check in? They’re for sure boarding in group Z. 2) What happened to the baby step cities first?? ABC is now going from the Bachelor Mansion to directly around the world? Something tells me they got a good deal on Spirit Airlines and it was too good to pass up.

Colton and the ladies arrive in Singapore, and Colton’s opening outfit alone tells me he flew across the world and didn’t check a bag, but hey, that’s none of my business. The ladies grab a group drink at Applebee’s Singapore, and then head back to the hotel for some date card action. The date card comes, and it has Tayshia’s name written all over it for her first one-on-one. If I could translate the looks she was getting from her cohorts, they would say: “Take your sh*t with you, because if you don’t, we’re gonna have your suitcase swimming with the fishes.”

Prior to his date with Tayshia, Colton does another one of these creepy Skype interviews with us, reassuring us that he is the Bachelor and isn’t going anywhere.  After a quick contemplation walk on the beach, Colton and Tayshia find out that their “taking love to new heights” involves bungee jumping. (Pause right here: I would need several clean pair of drawers on standby, because me sh*tting my pants on this date would definitely happen multiple times.) Colton and Tayshia both completed the jump, and I can with 100% certainty say Colton did not sh*t his underwear…only because he doesn’t wear any.

Back on solid ground, Tayshia dons a red one piece on the beach that no doubt helps Colton live out a Wendy Peffercorn fantasy from his childhood. (That’s a Sandlot reference, in case you’re too young to know). They then run into the ocean to make out and Tayshia intentionally almost drowns him, giving her reason to perform mouth to mouth.

On the night date looking AMAZING (Tayshia fan here), she admits to being married and divorced recently. Colton gives her a sincere response that had to have been written on cue cards, and Tayshia eats it up. He gives her the rose to solidify that she’s safe, and they celebrate in an amusement park where everyone’s pissed because they shut the place down to film. Back at the Holiday Inn Express, the rest of the Gossip Girls get their fate via the next date card. I don’t have enough characters to tell you who’s on this THIRTEEN girl group date, but I’ll tell you who’s not, Caelynn. Yes, this next date will be chauffeured by your local Greyhound bus.

Colton takes this parade of girls on a walk through the market and it has all the locals wondering why the Pussycat Dolls are walking through the streets of their city. They make a pit stop to have leeches suck out their souls, and it proves not to be effective on Demi since she doesn’t have one. Later, Colton and Cassie get their fortunes told which reveal that Colton and Cassie may be brother and sister. Either this is fake, or the Bachelor casting team was feeling REALLY messy this season.

The night portion of the group date brings us to our new potential villain: Courtney. Who is Courtney, you ask?? Good question. I don’t really know how to describe her, but just know when she speaks, she doesn’t move her top lip. Everyone gets their time with Colton (Demi goes twice) except for Courtney, and she cries like I did when Barack left office. Demi tells her “Get in there and fight for what you want,” and this marks the only time I’ve ever liked Demi. Okay, over it. Back to hating her now. Demi and Courtney throw verbal jabs, but none of them are willing to physically fight because they both have tags on their dresses that are definitely going back. Demi gets the group date rose, and Courtney has the sad face of someone who just walked up to Chipotle and realized it’s closed.


Caelynn one-on-one time! The girls do a send-off for her, which is always awkward, because all the girls definitely want her to trip down an escalator that’s going up. Anywho, she’s greeted with an old school Bentley (proving that Singapore Ubers  > American Ubers) and is whisked away for a shopping spree. Colton takes her to a store that looks like the Express of Singapore, and she gets a ton of things that will clearly make the other girls want to kill her.

The night portion of the date is a tearjerker (yes, I cried), because Caelynn opens up like we’ve never seen before. She talks about how she was drugged and raped in college and the lasting effects of the experience. Colton listens attentively, and does his best to console her and let her know that she is safe with him. No doubt this took their relationship to the next level, and you can visibly see that she’s there for the long run.

Let’s get to these cocktails! Hannah G. is up first and she gets some alone time in Colton’s bedroom. Colton claims to have OCD…but they BOTH have their shoes on in the bed!! OCD?? Yea, the lie detector determined THAT was a lie! WHO RAISED YOU?!?

PSA to My Future Girlfriend:

You get in my bed with ya shoes on? You just broke up with me. And I’m calling the police. #thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) January 29, 2019

Next, Caelynn grabs Hannah B. to clear the air, and this potential interaction alone tells me someone should have dialed 9-1-and have their finger ready to press the other “1.” They both maturely agree to be cordial, because they’re both just interested in a NFL player that could be their meal ticket. Oh wait…

Demi spends her one-on-one time telling Colton that she was “attacked” by Courtney and that she is the “cancer” in the house. Courtney may be a lot of things, but cancer? Nah. She’s more like the Chicken pox of the house. Annoying, but you know it’s going to go away eventually. Enough of this, it’s finally rose ceremony time.

Already safe are Tayshia, Demi, and Caelynn. Okay, time for heads to roll. The roses go according to plan, and since they get no air time, I want to remind you that Kirpa, Heather (“Never Been Kissed”), and Kate are still there and receive roses. Fighting for the last rose are Onyeka, Tracy, and Courtney, and Onyeka gets to stay for another week. Proving my theory wrong about Tracy being the chaperone of the group, she gets to head back stateside with Courtney. Chicken pox isn’t curable in Singapore, so it’s probably for the best.

Next week’s episode shows Colton walking on the beach in dress shoes, so I already know I’m going to hate it. God help me…

Images: Giphy; Diggy Moreland / Twitter

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Snitches Don’t Get Roses

Another January Monday night means more roses will be given out, and the only thorn present will be our lead, Colton. Yes, this episode proves that this season will go downhill quicker than Lindsey Vonn’s Olympic trial runs. Most of America is mad the Patriots won (again), and the rest are just mad Colton is still the Bachelor. Are we sure there’s no ability for a mid-season sub? Anywho, let’s get to it.

Chris Harrison comes in midday unannounced to drop off a date card, and immediately the girls start hoping their names are on it because cabin fever is real, and the only dudes they’ve come in contact with over the last few days are Ben & Jerry. A handful of girls get the nod (Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn), and they’re whisked away on an airport shuttle bus to see Mr. Underwood.

The girls walk into a theater to the saddest attempt at “Captain Crunch: The Musical” I have EVER seen. Colton is legit dressed like a pirate, atop a ship that makes me want to send a search party out for his dignity. Spoiler Alert: You won’t find it. After a series of battles using giant Q-Tips, the finale comes down to Tracy and Caelynn for who gets to save Colton from being captured by the other pirates. I wish they’d do us all a favor and just leave him captured, but this isn’t Burger King and we can’t have it our way. Since Tracy is 31 and she hasn’t had recess in 20+ years, the younger, more nimble Caelynn takes advantage of Tracy’s arthritis and wins, freeing Colton in the process.

The Bachelor

The night part of the date continues at what looks like an Egyptian Pier 1 Imports, and Colton starts to get some one-on-one time with the girls. ABC plays up the feuds between Demi/Tracy and Hannah B./Caelynn. (The REAL emphasis should be placed on why Tracy is dressed like Cruella de Vil.) Demi spends her time “spanking” Colton, which shows her crazy side AND solidifies that she will indeed have her own Dateline NBC special in 10 years or less. Caelynn and Hannah B. continue their “he said-she said” storyline, and it’s confusing all three of Colton’s brain cells because he doesn’t know what to do.

Hannah B. goes back in and tells Colton that Caelynn held her hostage (or something of the sort) and to be careful. Ironically, she does all this while speaking in broken sentences, so now between her seizure-inducing dress and his brain cell traffic jam, he’s at a loss for words. Well, you better figure it out fast: Pier 1 Imports closes in ten minutes. At the end of the day, it sucks to be Hannah B., because the snitching backfires and Caelynn gets the group date rose. She’s safer than that “silver dollar” in Colton’s wallet.

Elyse (redhead, just in case you forgot like I did) got the one-on-one date card, and now they’re off. Due to typical LA traffic, they take a helicopter to San Diego for some alone time…or so they thought. All the producers decide to use Colton for free daycare, so they let him watch their kids on an epic amusement park date. On this date, we find out that one of these children has more kissing experience than one of the contestants (i.e. Heather). Breakdown: “Already Been Kissed,” Age 6. “Never Been Kissed,” Age 23 and counting.

The Bachelor

The night part of the date continues in some random place that strongly resembles where they filmed Beauty and the Beast, and the two continue their deepening relationship. Elyse reveals some deeper information about her family, and it only makes you want to love her more. While I do love her more, I realize that she didn’t put her napkin in her lap, which, I don’t care WHO you are, that is a strong red flag for me. They end the date by dancing to some random country singer(s) and doing the worst line dancing attempt that I’ve ever seen.

Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin are up next for their turn to solidify a spot in the next round on this “strong woman” date. Barely breathing, everyone squeezes into their smallest Lululemons and they attempt to work it out for Colton. For some reason, Colton decides to warm up with no shirt and tuxedo pants, but hey, I guess this is a season for firsts. The girls prove not to be too athletically inclined, but guest star Terry Crews tries to whip them into shape for their later events. They compete in a series of events, and Onyeka literally runs away with the prize.

The Bachelor

The night part of the date leaves a lot to be desired, and at this point, commercials are welcomed. Caitlin gets shipped home on the date after she admits to “not having anything going on in her life.” Caitlin, I know of mannequins with bigger career aspirations than you. Please exit left. Pro Tip: Use Lyft promo code GONE2SOON to avoid surge pricing.

Colton decides to cancel the cocktail party…in place of a daytime pool party. The irony: He shows up to a pool party with a shirt, after working out on the group date with no shirt. Dude, your mentality is ass-backwards. The “party” portion quickly ends after Hannah B. and Caelynn play tug-of-war with his emotions once again. Arguing at a pool party should be reserved for who’s going to control the aux cord, not which state beauty queen do I love more. Answer: neither state, because both of y’all got issues.

No Cocktail Party… TRANSLATION: We’ve maxed out our liquor budget for the week.#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) January 22, 2019

Without the cocktail party, most of these girls are sober, so the drama is lacking. Most of the comedy comes from the sleeve that Hannah B. has wrapped around her neck. Roses are given out with no surprises, and the last one goes to Hannah B. That means we lose Nina, Bri, and Catherine (along with her dog that is MIA), which is cool because they can all UberPOOL home. Hannah B. getting a rose isn’t a surprise, given that her drama with Caelynn is the only thing keeping this season afloat. The real feud: who has more teeth in their mouth between the two. Five out of five dentists would suggest they both have over the recommended amount.

Sidenote: I need to remember to take Advil prior to the episode next week. This is too painful to watch.

Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (3); Diggy Moreland / Twitter