I Gave Up Caffeine, Alcohol, Dairy, Sugar, Gluten & Joy In Pursuit Of Goop’s Idea Of ‘Wellness’

In the spirit of trying to live my best life and be healthy or whatever, I decided it was time to do something drastic, like not eat junk food for five days. With that said, I would like to take this moment to apologize to everyone that I interacted with this past week as I was without caffeine, and honestly we knew the risks. I can’t be held accountable for my actions during that time. 

In looking for inspiration, I turned to the pioneer of influencers peddling questionable “wellness” tactics: the one, the only, Gwyneth Paltrow. When you want vague promises of “detoxifying” your body, a bizarre approach that may or may not harm you, and candles that smell like your vagina, you go to Goop—and it did not disappoint. In my searching, I discovered Goop’s Annual New Year Detox, a five-day detox that’s free of caffeine, alcohol, dairy, gluten, corn, nightshades, soy, refined sugar, shellfish, white rice, and eggs, and apparently joy. While this sounds intense, and it kind of is, it’s important to note that this is a detox and not a diet, meaning that the purpose of this week is to reset your body and mind for a healthier lifestyle, not lose weight. And it’s also important to note that this is NOT Goop’s COVID “detox”, which health experts have warned could potentially be harmful. With that in mind, join me on my journey of becoming America’s Next Top Wellness Influencer, and see how I did for the week.

Start: Sunday Prep

Sunday funday! Sike, Sundays are for grocery shopping and meal prepping. Goop provides you with a shopping list, but they also invite you to make substitutions and to alter the detox to whatever works for you. They say, “Embrace the swaps and tweaks that make sense for your tastes, your body, and your lifestyle. Opt for some store-bought shortcuts and let them bring you joy.” Furthermore, Goops acknowledges that all the dietary restrictions aren’t necessarily realistic for everyone, and permits you to customize it to your lifestyle. Goop states, “Eat more if you’re hungry. Eat a little less if you’re full. Listen to your body. Maybe eliminating all of the above is too much and you just want to see what happens when you remove dairy from your diet for five days.” I kept this in mind when I did my shopping, because in my humble opinion, there’s no need to buy a whole bottle of something just to use one teaspoon, unless you have a Paltrow-level paycheck. 

While meal prepping is not a required step, it does help in making the first detox day slightly less overwhelming. I started by marinating my chicken, no big deal, and then chopped up all my veggies for the next day. Excuse me while I go accept my Food Network award for culinary excellence.

Day One: Monday

Detox At A Glance:

Day one, I am energized and ready to go. Ok, maybe not “energized” because this detox cuts out caffeine, but I am enthusiastic and eager to start! Every morning begins with a mug of warm water and lemon, which is great for me, because I already do that most mornings. The real first challenge is the Chocolate Cherry Almond Smoothie. Mine consisted of frozen cherries (duh), frozen cauliflower florets, seeds galore, almond butter, sea salt, water, a quarter of a banana, and a dash of mocha collagen powder. So not exactly the Goop recipe, but again, alter to your desire. I swapped out the date for a bit of banana, upped the seed count from a Teaspoon to a Tablespoon of each kind, and added mocha collagen powder instead of cacao powder, because that’s what I already had on hand. The taste? Actually really good! Don’t let the cauliflower deter you, it blends in really well and you don’t even taste it—I think the banana also helped in masking that veggie flavor.

Because I wasn’t super hungry after my mid-morning smoothie, I opted to just make the soup for lunch, and save the curried chickpea salad and bread combo for another day. Honestly, making soup on a rainy day, I felt like I was Martha Stewart. The soup making process was surprisingly easy, and I followed the recipe as listed. As for the soup itself? Unnecessary. I get that this was supposed to be a sneaky way to eat all your greens, but it really was just glorified baby food. The flavor was totally fine, savory and a little salty, but the texture was just not great. Plus, and I get that I was fairly warned with it being called Everything Green Soup, but it was really really green—no thanks. 

Up next was the Super Seedy Apple Rings. Way better, it’s just apple slices with almond butter dipped in some seeds. Standard, simple, and delicious.

Lastly was the Miso Chicken with Cucumbers and Furikake. I let the chicken breast marinate in the miso for 24 hours as recommended, patted off the excess miso, and threw it in a pan. In lieu of furikake, I sprinkled a little Everything But the Bagel seasoning over my cucumbers, which wasn’t that far off from the intended seasoning. Overall, chicken paired with brown rice and cucumbers is basic, healthy, and filling—not too shabby for the first day.

Day Two: Tuesday

Detox At A Glance:

I miss my morning coffee, but I’m powering through. This breakfast was my favorite hands down, because it’s just avocado toast, a staple in my normal diet. I could live off of this every day. I went rogue and mixed my avocado with a little lemon juice and salt and pepper, then added a generous sprinkle of chia seeds, red pepper flakes, and a few cherry tomatoes on top. *Chef’s kiss*. Lunch was easy; I simply heated up the leftover miso chicken, no biggie. However, I have a bone to pick with this so-called Rooibos Almond Latte. Apparently Rooibos is a tea, the almond referred to almond milk and almond butter, and the latte part was… nothing! There wasn’t any coffee, not even decaf. I’m sorry, but you cannot call something a latte that contains zero coffee! Goop did me dirty on that one. They got my hopes up and played with my emotions for some tea with almond milk. The nerve. It was fine, but I drank it with contempt. 

For dinner, I made some more minor adjustments. I am not a fish person, or really even a seafood person, it’s just not my thing. So, instead of haddock, I used chicken breast. This is a classic sheet pan meal, toss it all on the pan and let the oven do the work. The salsa verde was also super basic and easy to throw together. I give it a thumbs up! It’s fresh and healthy without feeling like it’s diet food. I would totally order something like this at a restaurant, just maybe with a margarita.

Day Three: Wednesday

Detox At A Glance:

Did I mention that I miss my coffee yet? Because it’s day three and I’m not not cranky. I’m into the routine at this point: wake up, warm water with lemon, check. Breakfast though, breakfast was interesting. I had to take a separate trip over to Whole Foods, aka a whole paycheck to pick up this small pack of fonio, which is a grain that is similar to couscous. I opted to blend it after heating in a saucepan to achieve that porridge-like consistency, and it was great—at first. But then it oddly solidified. I don’t know if I didn’t stir in enough almond milk, but something happened where it turned into this block of goo. Not overly appetizing. This could be user error, but I’m hesitant moving forward. 

After a lackluster breakfast, I am looking forward to lunch. And what’s on the menu? Baby food soup—ugh. Hard pass. Luckily, I still have the curried chickpea salad to try. Fingers crossed! Verdict is, it’s okay. Is it my favorite thing that I’ve had so far? No, but it’s still good, and relatively easy to make, so I’ll take the W. I mashed the majority of my chickpeas, because I prefer a creamier, hummus-like consistency, but to each their own. 

Then, like the previous day, apples and almond butter for a snack, super chill. Time for dinner, and to be honest, I’m a little sick of cooking at this point. I know it’s only day three, but having to cook four meals a day, every day, is a lot. I miss takeout. Anyway, I pretended I was on Chopped and made the fastest meal ever. Once again, I made another substitution, and swapped the sweet potato for some chicken breast, because I have the taste buds of a 10-year-old and I’m not a fan of sweet potatoes. But I did eat the cauliflower rice, so like, I semi-adulted. This was good, similar to your standard power bowl. Nothing to write home about, but the chicken paired with the pickled cabbage was a good call! 

Day Four: Thursday

Detox At A Glance:

Home stretch! I am feeling good, feeling healthy, missing my pizza delivery guy—shout-out Sal—but I feel light and clean. This morning is laid-back—I love my lemon water, and I love my cherry smoothie, all good there. Lunch was also a relaxed event, which after being tired of cooking, was ideal. But can you guess what my swap was this time? If you rolled your eyes and said sweet potatoes, then you are correct! Instead of making a sweet potato hummus, I opted for a store bought organic avocado hummus with a side of veggies, which was freaking awesome. I also made my “latte” at the same time and “enjoyed” it simultaneously. By now I am somewhat recovered from my cooking burnout, and can handle making the stew for dinner. Like with most things in this detox, the prep isn’t overly difficult, though the end result isn’t overly great. It’s good enough to have a healthy dinner. All in all, I would say it was a fairly successful meal day. 

Day Five: Friday

 

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Detox At A Glance:

Today is the last day of this detox, and I am proud to say that I successfully survived the week, and I did it all without caffeine. I will pause for your applause—thank you. At this point, I have accepted my destiny as a wellness influencer, and will now look down on others as they eat their french fries and pizzas—just kidding, I’m totally getting McNuggets tomorrow, but I’ll wash them down with a green juice, because balance. 

The menu for this day was a round of celebratory courses. To start, I had avocado toast instead of the fonio, because I know what I like. I then finished off the leftover stew, thus eliminating all traces of this week’s meals in the fridge. Followed that with more avocado hummus, which I will continue to eat all day, every day, till the end of time. Lastly, I had one final recipe to try out: the Veggie Fritters with Avocado Cilantro Sauce. This one was worth the wait. Easy prep, I utilized a bag of store-bought organic slaw, and easy execution, as all you had to do was form the fritters and toss them on a pan for a few minutes. I may have slightly burned my fritters, but the flavor was still incredible, and the sauce was unmatched. I can confidently say that I would make this meal again. Seriously, 10/10—and I never thought I would say that about something where the main ingredient was vegetables.

Post-Detox Thoughts

Reflecting on the week, I wouldn’t say I feel completely detoxified, but I did prove to myself that I could go five days without coffee, pizza, or a midnight Kit Kat—so I considered that much a success! Basically, I ate healthy for a week and it didn’t kill me. It’s not fun, but it’s completely doable, and probably necessary every once in a while. My main takeaways? I don’t super enjoy cooking and a caffeine-free diet is not for me—and is also not for the well-being of everyone around me (again, so sorry). This new year reset was essentially a crash course in how to not order off the kid’s menu for a week—which isn’t a bad life hack.   

In the end, what I loved most about this detox plan was how flexible it was. There was no guilt in making substitutions or swapping out a meal. At no point did I ever feel like “I blew my diet” because I changed it around to make it more suitable to my tastes and needs. That’s the beauty of a detox versus a diet, yes you may still drop a few pounds, but you don’t feel deprived or guilty for altering the regimen. While I wouldn’t recommend 100% of the provided recipes (looking at you, baby food soup), I would favor a healthy detox every once in a while to refresh the body and the mind. Not anytime soon, but let’s talk again this time next year!

Images:

Artem Labunsky / Unsplash; Giphy; dietstartstomorrrow / Instagram
3 Celebrity Diet Trends That Are Bad For You

We’re all fascinated by celebrities. We study their every move: what they wear, what their skin care routine is, what they eat.

As dietitians, we know that nutrition can be overwhelming and it’s easy to look to celebs for diet advice. After all, they look fabulous, and if it works for them, shouldn’t it work for us? (Aside from the fact that they have a trainer, dietician, and probably an unlimited food budget, we mean.)

Unfortunately, celebrities can fall victim to diet culture just like the rest of us, and they usually aren’t the best source for nutrition advice. Not to mention, they’re working in an image-focused industry that prioritizes looks over health. So maybe, just maybe, we shouldn’t take their diet advice after all. Need proof? Here are some trending celeb diets that may do more harm than good.

Adele’s Sirtfoods Diet

First question: what are sirtuins? Silent information regulators, or SIRTs, are enzymes that regulate pathways in the body that may boost metabolism and reduce inflammation. The creators of the Sirtfood Diet claim that certain foods like blueberries, kale, and dark chocolate contain antioxidants that increase SIRT activity, thus helping you burn fat more effectively. Apparently, you can lose seven pounds in seven days by following the Sirtfood diet. 

Sound too good to be true? It is…

There is some evidence that SIRTs may benefit your metabolism, but the research on SIRTs is actually stronger when it comes to aging and longevity. More importantly, there is no research that specific foods activate the SIRT enzymes per se. Yes, some antioxidants in food stimulate SIRT activity, but it would take an exorbitant amount of those foods to make this happen—much more than you can reasonably eat in a day.

Another kicker: the first phase of the Sirtfoods diet requires a pretty extreme calorie restriction: 1,000 calories a day for three days, mostly coming from juices. No thanks.

RD verdict: Even if SIRTs help burn fat, we probably can’t enhance their activity by eating normal portions of so-called “sirtfoods”. Any weight loss you see on this diet is probably from limiting your calories and eating nutrient-dense foods. While the Sirtfoods diet is rich in healthy foods we love, it’s basically a calorie restricted Mediterranean diet repackaged and sold with another name. Good thing the Mediterranean diet already exists, doesn’t rely on intense calorie restriction, and has proven benefits.

The Kardashians’ Flat Tummy Tea

The creators of Flat Tummy Tea claim that it “aids in the detoxifying and digestion process”. This word “detox” is used a lot in diet culture, but what does it really mean?

Your kidneys, liver, and digestive systems metabolize and help eliminate harmful substances from your body, also known as detoxification. While some herbs may help to support these processes, your organs are pretty effective at doing them on their own, so you really don’t need a tea to do what your organs were built to do.

Another important caveat: one of the main ingredients in this tea is senna leaf, a potent laxative that can actually alter your gastrointestinal motility and potentially do irreversible damage if used in the long term. Eek! That’s not detox—that’s diarrhea. Pass.

RD verdict: The best way to get a flat tummy, if that’s one of your goals, is by eating a whole foods diet, limiting alcohol, controlling your blood sugar with regular, balanced meals, drinking lots of water, and eating foods that are rich in fiber and probiotics. While you’re at it, add in 30 minutes of movement per day and voilà, a flat tummy—no harmful laxatives necessary. 

Beyoncé’s Master Cleanse

The Master Cleanse, also called the Lemonade Diet, is a liquid-only diet consisting of four ingredients: water, lemons, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Proponents of the Master Cleanse (which also include celebs like Michelle Rodriguez and Demi Moore) claim that the specific combination of these ingredients helps detoxify the body and support weight loss. Spoiler: any diet that promotes you consume nothing but a lemonade mix for days on end is not going to be good for you, and if you need more convincing, check out this account from a brave soul who tried it.

RD verdict: While it might be true that short-term liquid fasting gives your digestive and detoxification systems a little break to work more efficiently in the future, a liquid diet usually leads to binge and overeating which taxes your detox systems even more! 

Yes, there’s some evidence that spicy foods like cayenne pepper may slightly boost your metabolism, but any weight loss you see from doing this diet is likely from the severe calorie restriction from not eating. If you have enough willpower to drink this concoction, why not adopt a healthy diet and get more exercise? It’s more effective and sustainable for long-term weight loss and supports overall health. 

The hard truth about celebrities is that they look fabulous because they have the money for chefs, personal trainers, and dietitians to help them eat and exercise for their personal and professional weight goals. They are not qualified to give nutrition advice, but if asked, most of them will tell you that the secret to feeling and looking great is not a fancy tea, but a healthy, balanced diet with regular exercise.

Vanessa Rissetto and Tamar Samuels are registered dietitians and co-founders of Culina Health, offering nutritional coaching and a science-based health and wellness education. Taking the complicated diets, numbers, and more out of nutrition, Vanessa and Tamar simplify healthy eating ideals and plans in order to stop stressing about food and start living life. Vanessa has over ten years of experience as a RD, and currently serves as the dietetic intern director at New York University. Tamar is a RD and National Board-Certified Health & Wellness Coach, with a unique and holistic approach that integrates functional medicine, positive psychology, and behavioral change techniques.

Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com

What Are Infrared Saunas For, And Are They Worth The Hype?

A few months ago, I came across an article from The Cut about the potential mental health benefits of infrared saunas. Even though I was in Los Angeles at the time, the sun was still setting at 4pm, and my mood levels had definitely been suffering for it. At that point, I’d tried exercising six times a week, meditating, and gratitude journaling to keep my Seasonal Affective Disorder at bay, and frankly, sweating it out in a sauna sounded like a way more appealing option. Once I was back in my beloved NYC, I promptly booked an appointment with HigherDOSE, an infrared sauna spa with locations all over NYC, New Jersey, and Connecticut. It’s also the preferred spot of celebs like Leonardo DiCaprio, Michelle Williams, and Bella Hadid, if you’re into that. Read on to find out the alleged benefits of infrared saunas, and what I thought after my 60-minute session.

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These beauties ❤️ @bellahadid @ally.aflalo ❤️ tag your friend and let them know you want to DOSE ?

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What Do Infrared Saunas Do?

Simply put, infrared saunas claim to make you hotter in every way (obviously, pun intended). Not only does an hour of intense sweating knock off some water weight, but infrared heat may actually help boost your metabolism. According to Dr. Frank Lipman, who spoke to The Cut, just half an hour in an infrared sauna could help you burn up to 600 calories. (That’s like, one million squats or an hour on the treadmill. If this is what celebs have secretly been doing instead of working out, I will never feel okay again.)

For those of you less obsessed with losing weight (tell me your secrets), infrared saunas also have major skin benefits. Again per Dr. Lipman, infrared heat boosts circulation, blood flow, and collagen production, giving you an immediate post-sauna glow, as well as long-term benefits from regular use. Lipman, along with HigherDOSE’s co-founders, also hype up the detoxing capabilities of infrared saunas. Co-founder Lauren Berlingeri claims that infrared pulls “heavy metals, environmental pollutants, and radiation” from your system, and the instructional pamphlet inside the sauna room advised that some of your sweat may come out as black from all the toxins being released. (Sidenote: I’m still not sure that I believe “detoxing” is a real thing, but I really want it to be.) Other potential benefits include pain relief (from sore muscles to chronic headaches) and a boosted immune system.

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Currently sweating it out at an infrared sauna place. If you don't know about infrared saunas GET ON BOARD! I love it so much. It's not like a regular sauna where I can only sit there for like 10 mins and then I feel like I'm melting. infrared saunas are great for deep muscle relaxation, detoxing, cardio vascular health and your skin! Michelle told me it helps skin heal faster – I don't know about that but it does feel great! But you know, obviously, I'm no doctor(right @steveagee??)

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Finally, the mental health benefits: a 2016 study showed that whole-body hyperthermia (whole body heating, specifically to 101.3º F, for the non-scientists among us), could have antidepressant effects lasting up to six weeks. Claims have been floating around for years that infrared heat can influence serotonin levels or release endorphins, but evidence is tenuous. The 2016 study, however, focuses on the “stress” aspect of sitting in a sauna—the extreme heat—and how these bursts of stress can better train your brain to deal with non-sauna stressors, like anxiety or depression. Again, no one’s claiming that this is rock-solid science, but these studies, along with the fact that everyone seems to feel f*cking amazing after leaving one of these saunas, was enough to make me desperate to try it for myself.

So, What’s An Infrared Sauna Like?

I visited the 11 Howard location of HigherDOSE, and was immediately thrilled by the spa-like room I entered. Each sauna room has a private bathroom (with a nicer shower than the one in my apartment), a Bluetooth speaker system, water, chilled eucalyptus towels, and of course, the sauna itself.

HigherDOSE

You’re given a chromotherapy menu, which tells you the different light therapy colors available to you, and the benefits of each type of light. It’s pretty intuitive (yellow and orange are more activating, blue is more relaxing), but given that I’m a type-A weirdo, I spent the first half hour cycling through all of them anyway. The first 20 minutes felt like sitting in a colorful, less-hot-than-normal sauna. I was warm, but I didn’t have that slowly-being-cooked feeling I get after about 10 minutes in a regular sauna. At the 20-25 minute mark, things got really satisfying, by which I mean sweat started pouring down my entire body. Again, in regular saunas, I’ll notice a drip here or there, then walk out and be surprised at how sweaty I actually am. In the infrared sauna, there was no doubt that I was coated in sweat, and steadily producing more.

I also have a pretty short tolerance for regular saunas; I’d say 20-30 minutes and I’m begging to leave. With the infrared sauna, I was happy to stay in there a full 50 minutes (I left 10 minutes to shower), and honestly could have stayed a bit longer. Promptly after showering, I noticed a few things. My skin was baby-soft, the dull full-body ache from yesterday’s boxing class was greatly improved, and while I didn’t suddenly feel an all-around calm or “mental high,” my anxiety was noticeably tamed. I know this because my face, which is highly sensitive to many things, including heat, got some crazy red blotches about ten minutes post-sauna. But the last time I’d gotten blotches like this, I locked myself in a bathroom for two hours, crying furiously and sending my dermatologist selfies. This time, I washed my face, said “f*ck it,” and moved on with my day. See? Anxiety calming.

HigherDose

I’m not including a description of my blotchy face to alarm you. Any discoloration was gone within the hour, and I trust that if you have skin like mine, you already know that heat is a trigger. But it was truly remarkable to look in the mirror at something that would have typically ruined my day and be able to let it go. In terms of a mental boost from the infrared sauna, I was expecting something like a runner’s high (which I’ve also never achieved, possibly because I’ve never run long enough to get there). But the mental boost I got instead was actually way more valuable to my life—for the next few hours, at least, I didn’t get derailed by minor sh*t. As far as superpowers go, I’ll take it.

So, the only real major con of infrared saunas? The price tag. HigherDOSE sessions cost $45 and up for solo sessions, or $30 and up if you go with two people. As a one-time expense, it’s not bad, but given that many of the benefits are unlocked by regular use, I wish the experience were slightly more accessible. Given my experience, I’d love to go more often, but until my wellness influencer career really takes off, I’ll likely have to limit it to a once-monthly treat.

Images: Keziban Barry; @higherdose (2), @busyphilipps / Instagram;

Why You Need To Detox Your Skin & 5 Products To Use

Summer is not easy on our bodies, specifically our skin. It’s like, we spend all this time worrying about having “the perfect summer bod” and a tan, glowing complexion. In reality, come mid-July, you’re bloated AF from eating garbage at cookouts every weekend, and your skin is breaking out from drinking every single day of the week—or worse, peeling and covered in sun spots from forgetting the SPF. So if you’re looking to reel it in and get your shit together for the second half of the summer, keep reading to learn how to detox your skin and which products you’ll need to restore your complexion.

Detoxifying Cleanser

Using clay in beauty products is an age-old secret to detoxifying the skin. Sunday Riley’s Ceramic Slip Clay Cleanser uses a variety of clays to actively remove excess oil and impurities and unclog pores without stripping the skin. So if your skin is freaking out as a result of all of your summer indulgences, you need to incorporate this cleanser into your skincare routine, as the result is smooth, balanced, purified skin.

sunday riley ceramic slip clay cleanser, how to detox your skin

Courtesy of Sunday Riley

Sunday Riley Ceramic Slip Clay Cleanser 

Bath Salt

Not that kind of bath salt—no risk of eating anyone’s face here. Since your face isn’t the only part of your body that needs detoxifying, soaking in a bath salt that contains activated charcoal like Dr Teal’s will help to draw dirt, bacteria, and toxins to the skin’s surface and prevent acne and blackheads all over your body.

Dr Teal Epsom Salt, how to detox your skin

Courtesy of Dr Teal’s

Dr Teal’s Activated Charcoal & Black Lava Epsom Salt Soaking Solution, Foaming Bath & Body Wash

A Charcoal Mask

Glamglow’s cult-favorite Supermud Activated Charcoal Treatment mask contains a mud that includes a blend of six acids that actively work to minimize pores and create clearer skin, while the activated charcoal removes dirt and other impurities from your skin that probably got there when you were day drinking in your friend’s dusty backyard.

Glamglow super mud mask, how to detox your skin

Courtesy of Glamglow

GLAMGLOW SUPERMUD Activated Charcoal Treatment

A Serum That Protects Against Free Radicals

Between the hot air and influx in alcohol consumption in the summer, your skin is bound to be exposed to a ton of damaging free radicals that can lead to a dull complexion, and ultimately, early aging. So to avoid overexposure to free radicals, you need to get your hands on a serum like Volition’s Beauty Snow Mushroom Water Serum. It filters out free radical damage, minimizes pores, supports natural collagen production, and keeps skin moisturized all day long.

volition snow mushroom water serum, how to detox your skin

Courtesy of Volition

Volition Beauty Snow Mushroom Water Serum

A Face Mist That Fights Off Free Radicals

Just like your overpriced Matcha latte wakes you up in the mornings, H2O+ Beauty’s Face Mist gives your skin the  refreshing wakeup call that it needs, especially in the gross summer weather. The essence uses matcha green tea extract to help prevent environmental pollutants from affecting your skin while creating a barrier on the skin that protects and helps provide hydration. What’s more? The face mist doubles as a makeup set spray so you can protect your skin and keep your makeup from melting off in the hot as hell temperatures.

h2o+ beauty matcha essence, how to detox your skin

Courtesy of H2O+ Beauty

H2O+ Beauty Aquadefense Shielding Matcha Facial Essence

Quick Ways To Recover From The Horror Story That Was Your Halloween Weekend

Oh boy, Halloweekend is over, and you’re probably too scared to even look in the mirror at the moment, let alone show up at work. Whether you’re currently regretting all the Fireball shots you chased with mini Kit Kats, your hookup with some tool in a Donald Trump costume, or your brilliant idea to debut your entire shit-show of a night on your Snapchat story, you’ve put your body through a lot, and you’re struggling with the pain of Monday morning sobriety. You’ve had your fun and eaten your fair share of candy, but now it’s time to get your shit together. Here’s how to recover your body from its current state of Halloween horror.

1. Drink Water

Fucking duh. Water is the universally accepted hangover cure, and as such, it does wonders for your headaches, dehydration, and any post-drinking digestion issues. If you’ve been getting your fluids from sketchy punch and vodka sodas all weekend, your body is in desperate need of water, so start chugging. Water has been proven to cure hangovers since ancient times (I assume), and if you forgot to drink some before going to bed, it’s not too late to start now. If you’re an overachiever, add some lemon and ginger to help soothe your stomach and get your metabolism moving again. If it keeps Kourtney Kardashian skinny after three births, chances are it’ll help you out after this weekend.

2. Throw Out The Candy

If you woke up this morning with candy corn in your bed, you’ve overdone it on the Halloween candy, and it’s not the time to store the extras in your desk drawer or buy fun sized Twix bars on sale at CVS. There’s a reason adults don’t go trick-or-treating, and it’s not because we have better things to do. Well, it sort of is, but it’s MOSTLY because we don’t have the metabolism we had at age eight. Sorry. Just get rid of your candy so you won’t be tempted to eat it all week. You can even offer it to your neighbor as a peace treaty for all the times they’ve told you to keep the noise down. Works like a charm.

Candy

3. Get Some Sleep

This tip seems pretty obvious, but for some reason people think their bodies won’t mind if they run on less than five hours of sleep for like, two weeks straight. If you got no sleep this weekend, you owe it to your body to put down the Red Bull (yes, and the Adderall) and rest up, even if that means calling in for a sick day, or worse—cancelling happy hour plans. When your body is deprived of sleep, not only are you lacking energy, but your brain tries to compensate by telling you you’re hungry, so you end up craving junk food and chocolate all day. Oh, and coffee doesn’t count. Get some sleep.

4. Eat Omega-3’s

We don’t usually believe in the power of superfoods or magical ingredients, but omega-3’s are the shit. End of story. A lot of people take omega-3 supplements to help with weight loss and skin care, but you can get enough of them just by eating the right foods. Things like salmon, walnuts, and flax seeds are all packed with omega-3’s, and you’ll notice a difference within a few days of eating them. Omega-3’s help fight inflammation, protect your body from viruses, and even help prevent breakouts. If you’re feeling gross from your weekend drinking bender, stop Googling SkinnyTeas and start making some salmon. You’ll thank us.

Salmon Skin Roll

5. Limit Dairy Intake

As much as we love our daily Sweetgreen salad with extra feta, try to eliminate dairy from your diet as much as you can, at least for the next few days. If you tend to feel bloated from drinking and your skin is prone to breakouts, eating a lot of dairy will only make those symptoms worse. To make your body feel and look better after this weekend, cut out the dairy, and try to stick to whole grains, lean protein sources, and healthy fats (see: the salmon argument). You might not be straight-up lactose intolerant, but most people have trouble digesting dairy like other foods, so you might as well make things easier on your body right now and just avoid.

6. Sweat That Shit Out

And finally, the advice that no one wants to hear, but seems pretty inevitable. If you feel like shit after one too many tequila shots, you can chug a Poland Spring bottle and eat a slice of whole grain toast, but there’s nothing better for your body than breaking a sweat. You might feel nauseous and slightly suicidal, but take an Advil, put on your sports bra, and suck it up. (Words I live by tbh.) Book a bike, go on a run, sign up for yoga—we don’t care. Just do a workout that will allow your body to sweat out the toxins it’s accumulated over the weekend. It’ll probably suck and you’ll want to cry or vomit (or both), but you’ll end up feeling and looking so much better. Obviously not right away, but like, maybe after a shower. 

Working Out

Read: This Is What Kourtney Kardashian Eats To Stay Healthy
 
How To Detox From Your Labor Day Weekend Bender

Did you have an awesome time over Labor Day? Did you eat awesome hot dogs and shotgun awesome beers and sit around and soak up all your betchy friends’ awesomeness before dry heaving into someone’s purse around a bonfire?

Sounds like you went all out over the three day weekend. We aren’t judging, but your body probs definitely feels like it is. If the spins haven’t stopped, you have the DADS (Day After Drinking Shits), and the mere thought of anything other than dry romaine leaves is making you gag, it may be time for a detox tea. And we promise it doesn’t taste like asshole.

Ingredients

· 6 cups of water

· 1 5-inch knob of fresh ginger, peeled and diced

· 5 cinnamon sticks

· 2 tsps ground fresh turmeric

· 1 tsps cayenne pepper

· Fresh lemon juice

· 2 tbsps honey

In a large saucepan over high heat, combine the water and ginger—bring that shit to a boil, then reduce heat to low and simmer for about 10 minutes.

Add the cinnamon sticks, turmeric, and cayenne and continue simmering on low heat for another 10 minutes, stirring when you feel like it. Remove from the heat, strain into a pitcher, and cool.

Combine about 1/3 cup of the cooled mixture with ½ cup fresh lemon juice and the honey with 2/3 cup hot water. Stir to combine and chug until you feel like you’re ready to destroy your body with alcohol and drugs once more. God bless America. 

How To Recover From Your Fourth Of July Bender Without Giving Up Alcohol

Whether you spent your long weekend taking poolside tequila shots or eating lobster rolls while scouting out the underwhelming crowd at Gurney’s, you currently feel like shit. I mean, it makes sense. When you start drinking vodka out of a water bottle on the LIRR Friday afternoon and don’t stop until late Tuesday night, you can expect to feel pretty shitty for a few days afterwards. Fourth of July was a sick time and you got 200 likes on your American flag bikini Insta, but now you’re getting back to reality and it’s time to get your body back on track. Here’s how to recover from your Fourth of July drinking bender.

1. Cut The Salt, Chug The Water

You might notice that aside from being colossally hungover and in need of a new phone and/or Snapchat identity, you’re also bloated as fuck. I mean, the amount of sodium and empty calories in your beer and hot dog intake is probably the reason, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. By cutting out salty foods this week and drinking as much water as you can, you’ll start flushing unwanted toxins out of your body and you’ll slowly notice yourself getting less bloated by the day. I mean, your food might be bland and your bathroom runs might increase, but it’s worth it. We saw you at that buffet when everyone else was watching the fireworks. You had your fun.

Bloat

2. Get A Good Night’s Sleep

Another reason for feeling so gross is lack of sleep. I mean, there’s no chance you got your recommended 7-9 hours per night when you were drunk-eating a family size bag of Doritos after the club at 4am, so don’t pretend you’re on a normal sleep cycle. Take this week to actually get into bed at a reasonable hour, put your phone away, and go the fuck to sleep. Also, many studies show that lack of sleep makes your body crave junk food, so you’ll actually make healthier food choices during the day when you get more sleep at night. Can’t argue with that.

Sleep

3. Do A HIIT Workout

We totally get that you don’t want to drag your hungover body out of bed to make it to the gym, but doing a quick HIIT workout at home will actually make you feel (and look) a lot better. High intensity interval training raises your heart rate in short intervals, so your body is actually burning calories during the workout and afterwards. The science behind it is called EPOC, and it’s basically about how when your body works super hard for a short amount of time, then your body has to restore oxygen for up to 24 hours afterwards. Studies have proven that even a 15- or 20-minute workout will do the trick, so I’d start now if I were you.

Workout

4. Eat Real Meals

This might sound stupid, but simply eating real meals with whole foods will help your body recover from the damage you’ve done to it this weekend. Your body is used to eating substantial meals, so when you put it through 3-5 days of vodka for breakfast and rosé for dinner, it might be a bit confused. Focus on eating real meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you’ll automatically start feeling better. Also make sure those meals aren’t coming from a frozen box or like, a McDonald’s dollar menu. 

Healthy

5. Be (Slightly) Less Social

We’re not telling you to cancel plans every night this week, but if you’re still feeling nauseous and bloated from this weekend, it’s probably not the best week for happy hour and late-night dinners every night. Staying on track when you’re out is hard enough, so adding a pitcher of sangria and three bowls of tortilla chips in the mix is just not helping your case. The happy hour frosé and unlimited guac bowls will still be available all summer, so take these few nights to cook for yourself and relax alc-free. Like, if Martha Stewart could do it for five months, you can do it for a week, but if you HAVE to drink, we stand by our BBQ advice and say just have everything on the rocks. Meaning no vodka sodas, yes vodka on the rocks with a fuck ton of limes—that way there’s no carbonated sodas to bloat you even further. And if you’re going to drink, drink a TON of water too. Sounds less fun, probs not worth it, but that’s for you to decide.

Shrug

6. Get Your Hands On Some Ginger

Whether you’re taking a wellness shot with ginger and cayenne, or just ordering an extra side of ginger with your rice-less sushi roll, a little ginger goes a long way with healing bloating, nausea, and inflammation. It might not taste as good as the red wine you’ve been chugging all weekend, but it’ll seriously help you out and you’ll thank us when you feel like a human again. I mean, we know this info literally goes down the drain once you’re ready to rally again next weekend, but try to get some ginger in your system before you buy your liver its goodbye gift. 

Ginger

Read: How To Detox From Your Fourth Of July Blackout

How To Detox From Your Fourth Of July Hangover

Listen up, heathens. Whether you really give a shit about Independence Day or not, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the excuses for day drinking celebrations are over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.

Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this past weekend. Fortunately, you have a month or two to recover before the next big binge-drinking event that marks the end of summer—Labor Day parties. Seize this opportunity to cleanse and restore your body from all the shit you put it through this past weekend before you inevitably fuck it up again next weekend.

How, you ask? Follow the advice you found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this July 4th.

1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water

Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.

2. Replenish Your Electrolytes

Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.

3. Eat A Banana

Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it—you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc. (That last one was a test—send me the names of anyone who can stomach clams when they’re hungover and I’m calling the police on them.)

4. Go For A Walk

Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone (Debra in accounting) in the eye with a ballpoint pen.

5. Make Some Asparagus

Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?

6. Go For A Starbucks Run

Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.

7. Skip The Soda

Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.

Read: This Fruity Cocktail Will Keep You Skinny & Get You Drunk