Yesterday, 16-year-old girls everywhere got some upsetting news when Justin Bieber announced he’s canceling the rest of his world tour. The 14 canceled dates were in North America and Asia, which means he officially has two continents pissed off at him. This, coupled with the fact that he was literally just banned from Beijing for “bad behavior” means that this summer might even be worse for Justin than all the ones where he was feuding with Selena Gomez on Insta or running around Boston without shoes. Actually, come to think of it, has Justin Bieber ever had like, a good summer? Sad. According to Justin’s people (he has “people” not “friends”) the dates were axed due to “unforeseen circumstances,” so naturally it’s up to us to brainstorm why Justin did it. Given our extensive research into fuckboys and fuckboy culture, and given that Justin is obviously the king of all fuckboys, we think we’re more than qualified to
make shit up make an educated guess as to why the Biebs isn’t continuing his tour. Here’s what we think:
1. He’s Tired
Justin’s ‘Purpose’ World Tour has lasted 150 dates and has been going strong since March of last year. Like, his tour is way longer than most of our meaningful relationships. He’s been to every continent, and he’s probably just fucking tired. We get tired walking from our bed to the fridge, so we can very much relate. Just take a nice long nap, Justin.
2. He Got Cyberbullied
Justin is a sensitive guy, and maybe he got his feelings hurt by something someone said about him online. Like, how is he supposed to do a show in Denver if someone said Colorado hates him on Twitter? Singapore is probably a really tough crowd, so we totally understand.
3. Food Poisoning
Food poisoning is one of the best excuses to get out of basically anything. Even if you’re totally fine, just tell everyone you ate some bad sushi, and you’ll easily get out of your commitments for the next 2-3 months. Japan will understand, they literally eat nothing but sushi.
4. He’s Learning Spanish
Justin was probably embarrassed about not knowing the words to his gigantic summer jam “Despacito”, so he must be learning Spanish before he goes back out on the road. He has to sing like two dozen whole words, so maybe he just doesn’t feel confident in his abilities yet. No hay problema, amigo!
5. Some Girl
We don’t know who Justin is
dating sleeping with right now, but no doubt she’s some gorgeous Instagram model with no hint of a personality. Either way, she might have Justin hypnotized into never wanting to leave her. Seriously, Hailey Baldwin isn’t that hot.
6. He’s Dead
Justin posted a message about the cancellation on his social media, but there’s technically no proof it’s him. Maybe he died in a freak jet-ski accident and Scooter Braun is just trying to keep it a secret as long as possible? Just give them long enough to create a realistic hologram, then he’ll be back on tour in no time.
7. Bad Horoscope
Justin seems like the kind of guy who might be really into astrology, so maybe he just didn’t like what’s in the stars for him this month. It’s not like there are millions of dollars on the line here, so it’s a totally acceptable reason. I mean, when Mercury is in retrograde we basically don’t leave our house, so we feel.
8. Mafia Kidnapping
Maybe Justin can’t perform because he’s been kidnapped by the Russian mafia? If we get a Russian remix of “Despacito” within the next month, we’ll know he’s really in trouble.
Um so yeah we basically have no fucking clue. Sorry The Philippines, maybe next time! Justin, get your shit together, the people of Asia need you.
If you go to any pregame right now, there’s a 1000% chance that you’ll see some drunk girls trying to sing along to the “Despacito Remix” with Justin Bieber. It’s a fucking banger. We’re experts at singing along to songs we don’t actually know, but “Despacito” takes it up a notch with lyrics that aren’t even in English.
We were wondering if we should look up the lyrics and give ourselves an impromptu Spanish lesson, but it appears that Justin Bieber doesn’t even know the words to his own song. Yeah. On the track, Biebs sings fluently in Spanish, sounding super natural and ridiculously sexy. We initially had a moment where we thought “does Justin speak Spanish?,” but then we took some shots and stopped caring.
Earlier this week, Justin was at 1OAK in New York (damn it, where was I?), when they gave him the mic for his current number 1 song. It didn’t go so hot. The only word he actually sang was “despacito,” and he replaced the rest of the Spanish part with “blah blah blah.” So basically, Justin did exactly what we all do when “Despacito” comes on. But it’s only okay when we do it. To be fair, Justin was probably pretty drunk considering this was at a nightclub, but it’s also safe to say that his Spanish probably isn’t great even when he’s sober.
We’re not sure whether this really qualifies as cultural appropriation like some people on the internet are saying, but it definitely qualifies as Justin Bieber doing stupid shit again. But like, who the fuck really cares? This was a club performance, not a concert. Did anybody pay to see Justin, not including cover to get into the club? Exactly. I’m sure everyone at 1Oak was too drunk to GAF anyway, and if I know drunk people—which I do, being one myself no less than 78% of the time—they probably found it hysterical. At ease, internet.
Like, sure, if we were famous for singing we’d most likely want to memorize the words to our own song, but maybe that’s just us being overachievers. We can’t wait to see if “Despacito” makes the lineup for his next tour.