How Throw A Classy Kentucky Derby Party Even If You Don’t Know Sh*t About Horse Racing

Hi betches!
Looking for a good mint jubilee recipe that doesn’t taste like straight up dick aka whisky. I want to look classy look the part you know when you think of mint you think it would taste like a mojito but is actually a mint jubilee?? Please help a sista out by Saturday so I can still be classy hosting and toasting a Derb party. Also maybe an article on what not to wear, caption so you don’t look basic..(talk derby to me Insta caption once more…)
Thx !

Lizzie p

Winona Ryder Confused


Greetings Women,

I am looking for a mint julep recipe, but I do not know that’s what it is called. I would prefer it taste good, and not like a penis, which is what I think whiskey tastes like.  Please help me, your fellow woman, to acquire such a recipe in time for my Kentucky Derby party this Saturday. Please also tell me what to wear, and what to post on social media so that people think I am cute, funny, and know the correct names for drinks. I do not have Google. 

Warmest Regards,

Elizabeth P. 

Dear Lizzie P,

You’re lucky we’re feeling so generous today and kudos to you for celebrating the whitest, richest sporting event there is. To reward you, your mint julep (what the fuck is a mint jubilee? Get your shit together) recipe is below. As far as it tasting like whiskey—well, it’s a fucking whiskey cocktail, so aside from watering it down with ice and mint there’s not a whole lot you can do. Suck it up. Also, I assume you may actually be from Kentucky based on your poor sentence structure. Good luck with that by Saturday. We’ve also listed out a few things to wear so you like, fit in.

Mint Julep Ingredients

·  Handful of fresh mint

· 1 tsp. sugar (I guess more if you’re trying to drown out the whiskey)

· 3-4 oz. bourbon

Grab your pre-chilled old-fashioned glass or pewter cup and place 7-8 mint leaves in the bottom. Add the sugar over top, then start crushing with a muddler. Don’t go too crazy—just enough to really bruise the mint and smash some of the sugar.

Pack some finely cracked ice over top, then pour the bourbon over the top. Stir quickly until the whole glass gets super cold and frosts. Add a little mint on top and bam, mint julep.

What To Wear

Giant cute sunhats or classy fascinators: Go for something Kate Middleton wouldn’t be embarrassed of.
Classy sundresses: Banana Republic, Lily Pulitzer, Club Monaco, J.Crew, etc. all have some basic AND awesome shit, so choose wisely. Vineyard Vines is the official style of the Kentucky Derby. Check out their line here.

Banana Republic Bow-Neck Dress

Banana Republic bow-neck dress

Strappy, cutesy heels: The key is being graceful—try these J. Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps which go with literally everything.

J Crew Satin Sandals With Ankle Wraps

J.Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps

An outfit in which hat and dress work together: If one is loud and colorful, the other should be subdued, fucking duh.
Feathers: They’re allowed on cute hats.

What Not To Wear

Think of me as your personal Clinton Kelly, except I’m obviously not giving away a $5,000 Visa giftcard.

Denim anything: It’s social suicide.
Fugly wedges, gladiator heels, or sneakers: Just no.
Sequins: They’re unacceptable on anything for this event.
Shorts or a T-shirt in ANY fashion: The derby is a classy fucking event. Leave your garbage clothes at home.
Anything with a logo that isn’t associated with rich people: You know what we mean.

What To Put For Your Captions

Download Capgenius. You’re welcome.


Cinco De Mayo Tequila Shots Vs. Kentucky Derby Mint Juleps: Your Weekend Horoscopes

There is a lot of powerful astrology happening this weekend, and it has a 100% chance of ending with you drunk on top of a bar. With Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby falling on the same weekend, anything is possible. The stars have truly aligned. Hallelujah! Will the next two days be tequila-soaked or Mint Julep-laden? Only the stars can tell, but one things is sure: you’ll be drunk dancing in a wide-brimmed hat either way.


After a week of approaching your relationships in a mature, adult manner, you’ve earned two days of freedom, Aries. What does that mean? Tell everyone to fuck off. Seriously. It’s not fun having to be the mediator all the time—I’m not even going to get into what it does for your mental health. For the next two days, the only feelings you should be worrying about are your own. Everyone will just have to handle their own shit (gasp) until you’re ready to come back.


Less is more, Taurus. In every aspect of your life. You have been The Most™ the past couple days, and it looks like this weekend will be a good time for you to dial things back a bit. Instead of going all out, every day, no matter the circumstance, consider just…not doing that. Enthusiasm can be great (in the smallest of doses), but going balls out on a Tuesday night when your roommate offers you a glass of wine is not the time for it. TL;DR: You’re tiring everyone out. Give them a break. Give yourself a break. Just chill, please.


You know those days where you just feel gross, Gemini? Like you can’t put your finger on it, but you just feel off and nothing seems to make it right? Well, this is what your next two days have in store. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. On the plus side, this gives you every excuse to hide yourself away for the weekend. Sure, you’ll miss out on some Cinco activities, but tbh tequila is probably the last thing you need right now. Just get in bed, close the blinds, and ignore Snapchat. You’ll ride this funk out by Monday.


Time to get back to basics, Cancer. You’ve been letting unnecessary and frankly, unimportant, people mess with your head lately. This weekend, that stops. Surround yourself with friends, real friends, and don’t let anyone fuck with your good time. Sometimes it’s nice to step back and just hang out with the people who have known you long enough to not care about the awful shit you say and do. A couple days of unfettered best bud time will hopefully put you back on kilter and remind you of the ways that you should be treated. No lites te bastardes carborundorum, betches.


Sorry to be the one to break it to you, Leo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. The good news? You won’t suffer a debilitating tequila hangover the likes of which you haven’t seen since…last Cinco de Mayo. The bad? The FOMO is about to be so. Damn. Real. While this is less than ideal, rest easy knowing that you won’t wake up with $80 less in your bank account and zero recollection of the round of shots you bought all your new best friends (aka strangers) at the bars the night before. It’s the little things.


You need a break, Virgo. You know it. We know it. Your barista knows it. That homeless guy who hangs outside your regular Starbucks knows it. Literally everyone is on the same fucking page. Now that we’ve cleared that up, it’s time to address how you’ll take your much needed reprieve from society. While locking yourself away in your room is always a good option, this may call for something a little more extreme. Nothing is more extra relaxing than a good old staycation. That’s right, rent yourself a hotel room somewhere in town, tell no one where it is, and then spend the next two days in blissful solitude. Make sure you pack anything and everything you could possibly need for total relaxation so that you don’t have to interrupt your zen by running home. Will your friends make fun of you? Probably. But they won’t be chilling in a fuzzy robe for two days straight, so fuck what they think.


Some say that a life of excess can make a person soft. Physically? Mentally? Probably all of the above, but since when do we care what other people say? This weekend, Libra, you are Henry VIII, just without the gout, syphilis, and murder. That’s to say, you should not only strive to experience the finest things that you can get your hands on, but you should expect it. Some people may be weirded out by this mentality, but that just means more delicious and expensive things for you. A win-win, no?


Shit happens, Scorpio. Then again, we don’t need to tell you that, do we? The last few months have been a rollercoaster to say the least, and it’s finally time to let the healing begin. This weekend, do whatever you need to do to get yourself back on track, or at the very least headed in that direction. If that means blacking out off of four-dollar tequila shots, we say go for it. Although, cheap tequila and mental health aren’t two things I’d usually put in the same sentence. But that doesn’t matter, because this weekend is all about you! Come Monday, hopefully you’ll be starting to feel like your old self again. Or, at the very least, you’ll have stopped puking.


Somehow, after this past week of non-stop socializing, working, and just general living, you’ve managed to come out the other end looking better than you started. So first things first, fuck you. But really, if it’s all working out for you, why mess with a good thing, Sagittarius? Let’s see how long you can keep this streak going, and spend the next two days being as outrageous as possible. No margarita is safe. No shot glass will be left unturned. By the end of the weekend, you shouldn’t remember what it feels like to be sober and not reeking of tequila. If you’re still thriving come Monday, we’ll revisit the topic of you being a witch. But until then, live it up.


This weekend you should have one thing, and one thing only, on your mind, Capricorn: positivity. This week has been a shit show and left you feeling a little low to say the least, but now is no time to revel in it. Show the world how strong you are by coming right back out, happier and more upbeat than ever. Sometimes the shit you put out into the universe comes right back at you, which means you should be reaping some benefits of this mentality by the end of the weekend. It won’t always be easy, but it’ll be worth it. Pinky swear.


This week has sucked, Aquarius. There’s no getting around that. You’re tired, you’re angry, you’re bloated. Nothing is looking good for you. Usually this would be the part where we tell you to give up and crawl into your cave for a few days, but the stars have something else in mind: alcohol. That’s right. The only way out of this slump is through a bottle, and you’re going to be shocked by how quick it’ll turn thing around for you. Embrace the festive weekend ahead, and celebrate to the fullest extent. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only tequila can do that.


Sometimes it’s hard to believe how blessed we can be, Pisces. Really, it’s like the entire world is working in your favor right now, and it’s all culminating in the ultimate two-day marathon. Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby fall in the same weekend means only one thing for you, and it’s that you don’t have to choose between your two favorite alcohols. This is your time to shine, Pisces, and we have the utmost faith that you’ll do us all proud. Mint Juleps. Margaritas. Shots on shots. The limit does not exist, my friend. Make sure your Monday is clear for lots of sleeping, and then let your freak flag fly.

Read here to learn how to make a classic margarita for Cinco de Mayo!