If you’re reading this, you’ve officially outlived David Spade’s stint as a temporary celebrity host on season 7 of Bachelor in Paradise. (Please don’t pat yourself on the back. This is a loss for all of us.) As all BiP viewing veterans should know, we have now entered the most lawless part of a season: the final push before the first Rose Ceremony where contestants without a confirmed rose start to lose their fucking minds.
This particularly cursed episode opens with Demi—who arrived in Paradise at the end of last week’s premiere—choosing violence. Those who haven’t been following along with her life on social media since she got engaged to her then-girlfriend Kristian on Season 6 of BiP (and by “those,” I mean Brendan) are provided with a quick update.
DAVID SPADE: So… you got engaged. What happened with that?
DEMI: Well, we got un-engaged. Hello?
Proving that they are truly the male and female versions of each other, Demi and David Spade have a quick little moment in which they both thrive off the drama they know she’s about to bring to the beach. He hands her a first date card and says, “Looking forward to the chaos,” and Demi gets on her merry way to make the rest of the contestants sweat more than they already have been in this Mexican heat. She’s definitely getting the villain edit this season (which I guess is hardly an edit when it’s self-orchestrated), which sucks for Goddess Victoria, who clearly thought she was a shoe-in for that role.
A Healthy Dose of Date Card Drama
Right off the bat, Demi invites Connor B. to “go for a chat,” and he immediately loses his ability to play it cool by essentially foaming at the mouth when he realizes she knows his first name. They bond over cats (because Connor B. famously arrived to Katie Thurston’s season in a full-on cat costume), which would have been a snoozefest of a scene had Demi not sprinkled her own little brand of chaos into the mix. She tells Connor B. that she has seven cats, then immediately admits that she only has three, but that she always tells people she has seven because it sounds more impressive. Truly a landmark moment for dog people everywhere. Shockingly, this conversation doesn’t seem to seal their fate as star-crossed lovers, so Demi ditches him for a chat and hand-holding session with Brendan. She then decides she’d like to go on a date with Brendan, which sends Natasha (who was previously feeling pretty secure in her ability to snatch up Brendan’s rose this week) into a downward spiral.
NATASHA: I’m feeling like I need a little alone time.
NATASHA: *THROUGH LOTS OF TEARS* I’m FINE.
Brendan and Demi go through your typical BiP date of making out and jet skiing, so it seems to be going as well as a forced televised interaction could go, which of course means shit’s about to hit the fan. Demi admits to knowing that she wanted to get with Brendan since she saw photos of him, to which he’s like, “I didn’t know you existed until a few hours ago.” He then proceeds to tell her that although he’s having a great time, he’s weighing all other options, particularly the ones that do not include spending the rest of his life with Demi.
Demi handles the rejection like any reasonable person with an IMDb page full of reality television credits would: absolutely horribly. She commits to becoming Hurricane Demi, but Brendan, being your standard millennial man living through the worst climate crisis in the history of mankind, is pretty unfazed by that, and figuratively carries out his plans to vacation in an area that’s under extreme flood watch.
Back at the beach, everyone’s gossiping about the fact that Brendan is potentially in a relationship (you know, out in the real world) with Pieper from Matt’s season. We then get a quick pulse check on Natasha, which reveals that she is, in fact, doing considerably worse than she was when we first discovered she was in a downward spiral.
Serena C., Victoria L., and Kelsey the Champagne Girl proceed to mope around the beach because they know their shot at love (and higher #sponcon rates) is probably going to be over soon, since they have yet to secure roses. Victoria P. decides to go for James, even though she cannot remember his name. She admits that she’ll know she’s with the right person when she “gets the chills,” which unfortunately has yet to happen. To which I say: Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s*.
*A beach resort in Mexico that is intentionally not air-conditioned to promote chaos between contestants.
And Now, For A Genuine Moment Between Two People We’re Actually Rooting For
As I mentioned earlier, the second episode of a season of Paradise is the closest thing reality television has to purgatory, but this time, the producers give us a refreshing break. In what is potentially one of the most authentic conversations the Bachelor franchise has ever aired, Jessenia and Ivan use the second date card of the episode as an opportunity to actually get to know one another on a deeper level in a way that does not involve water sports, surface-level discussions, or dry humping in a cabana. During an intimate dinner, the pair have a conversation about their shared experience confronting racism in the Bachelor franchise.
Ivan acknowledges that, although his decision to tackle tough conversations on TV certainly wasn’t easy, it must have been especially difficult for Jessenia because “people tend to be harder on women.” Are we experiencing an intersectional moment on Bachelor in Paradise?! I never thought we’d see the day. These two proceed to be excellent communicators together, and prove that they’ve got what it takes to be open and honest with their intentions with one another. Here’s to hoping the producers can (for the first time in history) put aside their obsession with messiness to allow an actually good thing to happen for once.
Well, Well, Well. How The Turn Tables…
Demi retreats from her disastrous date with Brendan to tell the rest of the girls that although it was an extremely “sexual” experience, she is now out for blood. They decide this feels like a good time to fill Demi in on the Pieper rumors, and she absolutely loses her mind when she discovers that Brendan has “wasted her time” by making out with her on a date SHE invited HIM on… as if she did not just come off a season of this same exact show in which she was hanging out with Derek, only to reveal that she had been hitting it off with Kristian at home. Make it make sense! <sarcasm> I’m sure when the producers inevitably bring Pieper to Paradise, Demi will handle it just as honorably as Derek did when Kristian arrived at the beach and eventually got engaged to Demi. </sarcasm>
Brendan doesn’t have much to say about the Pieper drama, but he does tell Natasha that he has the “strongest connection” with her. IDK, something about a man who just admitted to wanting to keep his options open in conversation with a woman he was making out with telling me that I’m his favorite of the three ladies he’s been tied to lately feels… not great? It also seems as though the producers are trying to recreate the Blake and Caelynn drama from last season, but unfortunately, “the Brendan and Pieper” drama just doesn’t have the same ring to it as Stagecoach-gate did.
Elsewhere, Victoria P. is trying to learn more about James by asking him questions like “what is your first name?” and “when you get up in the morning, do you pee outside? Or do you pee inside?” While she’s conducting this class-A interrogation, Tammy is doing what she does best: getting involved in everyone else’s drama instead of creating her own storyline. As if this hasn’t already ended horribly for her personally before, I urge this woman to watch just like, ONE episode of any reality show ever. Serving as a plot device in someone else’s story is never the way to finding love and/or becoming a household name. She decides to stir up some drama by revealing that Victoria P. has a boy back in Nashville and is just trying to secure a rose for fame. (For those who are new to Bachelor Nation, the scientific term for this is, “here for the wrong reasons.”)
All of us upon learning that someone would go on a reality show for fame:
Vaguely Notable Moments From The First Cocktail Party
Next, Bartender Wells sets us up for the first cocktail party of the season, which is really just an elaborate way for producers to remind us that although the majority of this two-hour episode has been spent harping on drama between like, four people, there are a bunch of other contestants you may have forgotten about. Some key takeaways here include: Noah has a lot of necklaces on and is in a “good place” with Abigail, Ivan and Jessenia are being adorable, Tahzjuan is still sweating, and Kenny finally put some pants on.
Serena C. then gives us one of the cringiest moments thus far by freestyling for Aaron while he beatboxes in an attempt to be “more creative” in her pursuit of love. While I would have loved to provide you with the full lyrics of her freestyle, I unfortunately had no choice but to spike my laptop across the room and duck and cover when she opened with the line, “I’m going to do my best to keep this classy, I just want you to know I’m a little bit sassy.” I can, however, report that at one point she rhymed something with the phrase “sit on your face.”
Tammy takes a quick break from trying to ruin everyone else’s time to get her rose situation back in order. Shortly after Serena C. and Aaron finish their awkward interaction, Tammy literally mounts him, and Aaron tells America that he has a boner. Lovely. When Tammy is finished with that, she returns to her campaign of telling everyone that Victoria P. has a boyfriend at home and is a “rose chaser.” Kelsey the Champagne Girl gets in on the mess, too, probably because the Champagne Girl schtick is starting to get old. Tammy goes straight to James to deliver the news, and honestly, if everyone didn’t look so sweaty, I would jump into the TV and give him a hug.
TAMMY: You don’t mean anything to Victoria.
James confronts Victoria P. about the rumors, and she maintains that although she dated someone from February until May, they broke up before she came to Paradise, and he “encouraged to get into this with an open heart.” This sounds a lot like when Jed from Hannah Brown’s season had a fame-thirsty girlfriend at home. I am truly just begging the Bachelor franchise to give us new drama. I’ve had enough of aspiring country singers and Nashville influencers trying to scheme ways to become relevant. Even though Victoria P. seems to have an alibi, James takes the opportunity to mention some of the other red flags he’s noticed.
JAMES: You don’t know my first name.
VICTORIA P: This is a lot.
TAMMY, WHO HAS SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT TRYING TO GET SOMEONE WHO IS NOT EVEN GOING AFTER THE SAME MAN AS HER SENT HOME: You can’t fix a manipulative person.
As we’re nearing the end of the episode and need some kind of filler drama before we can see how the Rose Ceremony shakes out, Tahzjuan decides to confront Victoria L., because simply looking at the goddess stresses her out. She tells Victoria L. that she thinks she’s “going back to her old ways,” and that she doesn’t appear to be genuine. Victoria L. delivers a brilliantly engineered, Real Housewives-inspired response and says, “I really feel bad that you’re trying to create something.” It doesn’t really go much further than that, TBH.
After realizing fighting an uphill battle is kind of a lot of work, Victoria P. makes the decision to head home. In the limo, she says, “I realized I don’t have to search for what I already have at home,” which I guess confirms that… she does have a boyfriend? Cool, cool, cool. James makes an announcement to the group to let everyone know that Victoria P. has left.
DEMI: I’m going for James. F*ck it.
Demi admits it was “silly” of her to get so worked up over how she was going to find a rose by the end of the night. Kelsey’s still pretty certain that she’s going to end up with James’ rose, but I’d like to remind her that never in the HISTORY of the Bachelor franchise has playing the “this girl is here for the wrong reasons!” card worked in anyone’s favor. Usually, it ends up proving that the alleged wrong-reasoner is being sketchy, but also that the finger-pointer is obsessed with drama and too irrelevant to have their own legitimate storyline.
The First Rose Ceremony
As always, the Rose Ceremony kicks off with a pairing-up of all the couples who seem like they could actually make something work. Here’s how it goes down:
Ivan chooses Jessenia, noting, “We have a great foundation going, and I’d love to continue nurturing that.” I smell Neil Lane Couture!
Noah chooses Abigail. Although she previously hinted that she loves to friend-zone, Abigail admits that she’s “surprised how quickly” she’s developing a relationship with Noah.
Grocery Store Joe chooses Serena P. I’m thrilled these two have already seemingly mastered the art of sitting their asses on the beach and staying out of drama while everyone else burns their futures to the ground.
Connor B. chooses Maurissa
Tre chooses Tahzjuan
Karl chooses Deandra
Brendan chooses Natasha while Demi nervously stares into the void
Aaron chooses Tammy
Kenny chooses Mari
With one rose left for James to give out, Kelsey has a borderline medical emergency, and naturally, Demi thinks she’s faking it in a last-ditch effort to get the rose. Personally, I feel like it’s probably a HIPAA violation for me to comment on that one. James gives Demi his rose, which I’m sure was probably a decision a producer bribed him to make by rewarding him with a few minutes of air conditioning access.
KELSEY (WHILE LEAVING): I’m not going to try super hard to force a connection.
ALSO KELSEY: *Essentially established a shit-talking MLM pyramid scheme to get Victoria P. sent home.*
Perhaps the greatest loss we’ve collectively suffered this episode is the elimination of Victoria L. I think she still had a lot of great one-liners and GIF-worthy moments in her, and I hope we get to see her again, someday. Although, her exit was pretty epic when she literally let the door hit her on the way out.
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2)
Regardless of whether you hate them or love them, it’s undeniable that the women of The Bachelor know a thing or two about beauty. Whether it’s how to maintain your makeup on the beaches of paradise or getting that perfect no-makeup makeup look while chilling in the mansion, these girls clearly know which products you should be
blowing your entire paycheck on buying. So, given their authority on the matter, here are each of their must-have beauty products they can’t live without, and so we shouldn’t be either.
1. Cassie Randolph
Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask, $20
If you haven’t heard about this lip mask by now, then I’m sorry but you don’t have any friends… or just definitely don’t follow Cassie Randolph on Instagram. Because, if you did, you would know how much she loves this product. This lip sleeping mask is Cassie’s holy grail for keeping her lips hydrated and, since she is in fact the face of effortless California beauty, I’m taking her word for it.
2. Lauren Bushnell
OUAI Dry Texture Foam, $28
Bushnell Lane is living the DREAM post-Bachelor life. She’s a Revolve influencer who also just married a country music star—what more could any ex-contestant want? Also, did anyone else see her proposal video from Chris Lane? I legit cried and like, I don’t even know these people. Anyway, Lauren’s hair always looks amazing and she credits this dry texture foam via IG for helping her create her signature look. So yes, I’ll be adding this to my cart as well.
3. Amanda Stanton
Kate Somerville EradiKate Acne Treatment, $26
First off, I didn’t even know Amanda Stanton ever got pimples…it just doesn’t seem possible, she’s too perfect. But apparently she does, and she shared with us via Insta stories that this Kate Somerville acne treatment is her saving grace. And it clearly works considering I’ve never seen Amanda with any sort of blemish, EVER.
4. JoJo Fletcher
Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Extra Strength Daily Peel, $88
If you can’t afford to get facials and laser treatments every week like all of these ex-Bachelor contestants can, then this product, which is one of JoJo’s faves, is the next best thing. Of course, JoJo actually does get all of those expensive treatments anyway but, according to her Instagram “beauty” highlights, she’s a fan of these peels as well. And, I can personally vouch for the fact that these peel pads are incredible and worth the steep price.
5. Becca Tilley
Foreo Luna 3, $199
Becca Tilley, the famous virgin before it was a singular Bachelor personality trait (looking at you Colton Underwood) is one of the most beautiful women to ever grace this show. On her Instagram, she attributes her great skin to this device which exfoliates the skin (and also happens to look super cute on your bathroom vanity). Which, sadly, is indeed a trait I look for in my beauty products.
6. Ashley Iaconetti
iS Clinical Active Serum, $138
Ashely I. is obsessed with everything beauty. So when it comes to skincare, we can trust that she knows which products actually work. This serum is by iS Clinical, which is a brand favorite amongst influencers and celebrities beyond #BachelorNation. So, no offense to Ashley I., but there are some actual A-listers vouching for it as well. It’s expensive, which is why I’ve never personally tried it yet. However, if you’re like, rich or something and have tried it then please, let us peasants know how it is.
7. Kaitlyn Bristowe
Tan Luxe The Face Illuminating Self-Tan Drops, $49
Another Bachelor fave product that I also happen to use and love is the Tan Luxe Face Self-Tan drops. Kaitlyn shared with E! that she uses this oil so she can get away with wearing less makeup. Which like, same sis, I use this product in place of having to wear foundation. It’s amazing for blurring imperfections and creating the appearance of an even skin tone, making it a great substitute for your daily face beat.
8. Hannah Brown
Kevyn Aucoin Gossamer Loose Powder, $72
Don’t worry guys, I’m not about to give you Hannah Brown’s mascara recommendation here. Hopefully, by now someone has introduced her to a good waterproof one. But anyways, I’m here to let you in on her makeup artist’s secret for keeping Hannah’s makeup in place during those long hours as The Bachelorette. Hannah’s makeup artist, Gina Modica, credits this loose powder to keeping Hannah’s makeup flawless all night long.
9. Hannah Godwin
Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $27
Hannah Godwin is a fan of this cult-favorite concealer product as her go-to for covering her dark circles. Everyone who has tried this product also raves about it so like, even if you don’t trust Hannah’s judgment (because I mean she did have that little lapse in judgment with Blake), you can at least just trust the rest of the internet.
10. Demi Burnett
Biosilk Silk Therapy, $49.50
Besides being known for being unapologetically herself, when you think of Demi you can’t help but picture her long, gorgeous locks. No matter what, even amidst the heat and humidity of Paradise, her hair always looked fresh and bouncy. Considering my hair is the complete opposite, I’ll definitely be trying her go-to product, this Biosilk treatment, and basically just pray for a miracle.
11. Tayshia Adams
Kiehl’s Eye Fuel, $24
This eye cream from Kiehl’s is actually a men’s product, but if Tayshia swears by it, then IDC because gender is a social construct anyway. Kiehl’s is a trusted brand on its own and, apparently, this eye cream kept Tayshia looking her best, even after a night of long-ass rose ceremonies. This eye cream contains caffeine and Vitamin B3 to reduce puffiness and dark circles, which I imagine is something every contestant could actually use on this show.
12. Caelynn Miller-Keyes
Boscia White Charcoal Mattifying Makeup Setting Spray, $38
Any Bachelor In Paradise alum who still looks stunning a few weeks into the season, even as their eyelash extensions get mangled and their spray tans fade, can be trusted with their recommendation for a makeup setting spray. Of course, it helps that all these girls are all so stunning to start with, but being able to maintain a full face of makeup without ANY air conditioning anywhere is a true feat. And for that reason, I’ll be purchasing Caelynn’s go-to setting spray. Plus, it must be good if it’s getting her through the van life with Deaniebabies.
I mean, I don’t know which of these aspiring influencers I can trust is actually “here for the right reasons” but pretty sure I can trust almost all of them on which beauty products are worth it. And, at the end of the day, is anyone ever truly there for the “right reasons” anyway? Groundbreaking but like, something to think about.
Images: Charley Gallay/Getty Images for PUMA; Sephora (6); Dermstore; Revolve; Ulta (3); Kiehl’s
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Presented by SkinnyPop
Welcome back fellow Bachelor fans to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read according to me, the author and person who blackmails her friends into reading her recaps for clicks! I always find it a little cruel and unusual that ABC would dare air an episode on a national holiday as if the majority of us didn’t just spend the extra day we’d been given recuperating from the long weekend in the fetal position on our couch wishing for death as we binge watched the entire season of The Circle in one sitting (just me?). But it’s fine, ABC. JUST FINE.
Moving on. Last week we were treated to what might be the best thing I’ve ever seen on my television screen: #ChampagneGate2020. There was crying, champagne stealing, and a grown woman taking a shot of champagne straight to the eye like a mf CHAMP. Watching this girl humiliate herself on national television as she drunkenly blubbered about someone stealing her alcohol is something I felt and resonated with on a deep, almost cosmic, level. Kelsey, please never change.
This week’s episode starts the same way my day did when I realized I’d run out of ibuprofen and would have to spend the next 24 hours actually suffering the consequences of my hangover: in tears. Hannah Ann is crying about her ruined reputation as a champagne stealer, Kelsey is crying about her and her bottle of Andre being misunderstood. I’m crying because even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours treating my body like a used up Franzia bag, I’m still somehow forcing down a glass of red for this episode. We all have our crosses to bear!
Hot Victoria’s One-On-One Date
Hot Victoria gets chosen for the first one-on-one date of the week and I can already tell it’s going to be a doozy when Peter shows up looking like an ad for toxic masculinity in his flannel shirt and matching pickup truck. Jesus.
Wow, they are really leaning into this country vibe today. First the pickup truck, and now this outing to shop for cowboy boots? Is this because Victoria is from Virginia? Peter, I thought you, like, traveled a lot? You know there’s more to the state of Virginia than just Bud Light and the “save a horse, ride a cowboy” bumper stickers you were clearly envisioning when you signed up for this date.
I love that Hannah Ann gets to walk away with from The Bachelor with Revolve’s spring line and Hot Victoria gets some souvenirs from the local Boots & Scoots.
Oh how CONVENIENT that they just happen upon this honky tonk bar in the MIDDLE of L.A. Are there just Nashville pop-up shops like these around every corner? Hmmm? And what’s the next stop on this date? Dinner at the Cracker Barrel?
Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey and Hannah Ann continue to verbally rip each other to shreds over a bottle of champagne. As someone who has lost friendships over a misplaced bottle of moscato before, I understand how this can fracture a relationship. Carry on ladies.
Peter and Hot Victoria head into the evening portion of their date and, sadly, it won’t consist of them shooting squirrels and other small game and roasting their kills over a fire pit for dinner. How very off brand for the evening. They’re eating dinner at an airplane hangar, so I guess Peter has officially retired his cowboy hat for the evening and has replaced it with his pilot cap. Got it.
Victoria launches into a very moving story about how she spent her youth in and out of homeless shelters taking care of her little sister while her mother was absent, and this is how I know this show has ruined my soul and made me lose all empathy for the human race because all I’m thinking is “yeah, yeah, another sob story, let’s move on.”
ME: Do I like Hot Victoria?
HOT VICTORIA: *has the life story of a Lifetime movie heroine, the cheekbones of a Hadid sister, and pursued a career in medicine to help others*
ME: Nah, she’s a lump
I think Peter was a little surprised to learn that Hot Victoria is more than just an Instagram filter brought to life because his reaction feels a little too heavy-handed to me. He tells her that she is the only thing that matters to him and then something about her light shining and, honestly, it’s all bullsh*t. He doesn’t even know her! It’s just empty words! Like, yeah, that was a pretty speech and all but I’ve murmured those same words alone to myself in my living room anytime more of Jughead’s backstory is revealed on Riverdale. It doesn’t, like, mean anything!
Unsurprisingly, Hot Victoria scores a rose from today’s date, because as if Peter could eliminate her after hearing a sob story like that. Nice play, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had it in you.
The Group Date
Going into the group date this week, tensions are high and there are a lot of unanswered questions, like why is Demi here and did she slash Chris Harrison’s tires this morning so she could be the new host? I mean I love Demi, but I still don’t understand her presence during today’s date. I’m truly shocked that she’s managed to delay her expiration date for this franchise by this much, but I guess that’s what the new face was for…
Demi shows up to the house at—judging by the women’s disheveled appearances—what must be an ungodly hour of the morning. Alayah hasn’t even put on her eyelash extensions yet!
She introduces her two muscled henchwomen as Champagne and Killer, and this feels on the nose even for ABC. Kelsey and Hannah Ann aren’t even going on this date for god’s sake! We learn that Demi has gifted all of the women lingerie that she believes fits each of their personalities. Savannah, one of the hottest women in the house, gets her grandmother’s mumu while the nanny from Georgia declares she got some cute “linguine.” I hope her employers are watching this and realize that they need to get their kid hooked on phonics ASAP.
The lingerie will come in handy because for the date the women will head to an underground pillow fight club where they will wrestle
to the death for Peter’s attention while simultaneously putting feminism back 30 years. I love a good multitask! As the women start dressing in various states of lace, silk, and in Savannah’s case, Victorian necklines, this is beginning to feel less like a group date and more like a sorority hazing ritual that will end in one of them threatening to call their daddy the lawyer.
KELLEY: I’m not really feeling this date. Who wants to see their attorney in lingerie on national television?
Um, who wants to see their attorney stick their tongue down a commercial pilot’s throat on national television? But you’ve already done that so what’s your point, Kel?
What a shocking coincidence the final matchup is between Sydney and Alayah, whose feud in the house is only second to Hannah Ann’s with a discarded champagne bottle. Honestly, I would be scared to fight Alayah. She’s 118 pounds of lip liner and hairspray and she has the confidence of a person who’s never been on a date that ended with the guy venmoing her for drinks. Good luck, Sydney!
And what do you know! Alayah wins! She gets a crown and two minutes of Peter’s unwavering attention. I hope she’s happy with that.
Okay, Alayah is way too confident to be at this cocktail party wearing Charming Charlie’s earrings. Not only am I appalled, but I feel as if my retinas have been permanently mutilated from the sight of those monstrosities dangling by her shoulders.
Sydney is still a little sour from losing the pillow fight and has decided to channel all of that energy into exposing Alayah as fake. Her first line of questioning: does Alayah have a job? LOL. Do any of you?? She’s like “so, Alayah do you work” and it’s like, of course she doesn’t work, sweetie. If she had a paying job would she be taking an indefinite vacation to pursue a commercial pilot on national television at the expense of her dignity and family’s good name? Come on.
SYDNEY: Well, I have a job.
ME ON MY COUCH, EMPTYING A BAG OF CHEETOS STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH:
Sydney brings her concerns about Alayah’s “realness” to Peter’s attention. She says there’s a lot of girls in the house who “turn it on” for the cameras and I love that she can say that with a straight face and those eyelash extensions. Maybe let’s have this discussion when you get some screen time with the eyelashes and lips you were born with, mmkay?
Peter is at a loss as to how to handle this turn of events. This goes beyond what he learned in flight school. He decides that the least dramatic way to handle this, really the only way to handle this, is to put Sydney on f*cking blast in front of every other girl on this date. OMG PETER. Are you trying to get her killed??
PETER: Sydney, didn’t you say Alayah was a fake ass hoe? Or was it fake ass bitch? I can’t remember. Can you clarify for us here?
Oh sh*t! She named names in front of Alayah and everything!! I’m shocked. I truly did not think she had it in her. B*tch better go into witness protection after this is all I’m saying.
THE RAT GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. WHAT!! Peter gives Sydney the group date rose because she was “open and honest” with him, and this might be the first time in history that a rat has ever gotten the group date rose. Wow, way to make history, Sydney.
The Pool Party/Cocktail Party
Cut to the next morning, and Alayah has really taken Sydney’s words to heart. She’s distraught from the attack on her character. She’s so upset that someone would accuse her of being fake that she decides to go on camera with her glasses. How very brave. That will show them, girl!
Chris Harrison waltzes into the Bachelor mansion and it’s like, how very nice to see you Christopher! I don’t think he’s spoken words or appeared on my screen since the night one limo entrances, and it’s comforting to know that Demi hasn’t completely taken over as host of this show… yet. He gets his obligatory five lines in for the episode and while it’s nice to see, it’s this lack of initiative that makes my neighbor who has only watched two episodes of The Bachelor ever think he’s the Uber driver and not the host of this goddamn show. Do better, Chris.
He tells us that instead of a cocktail party Peter will be hosting a pool party! We are to believe that this is out of the goodness of his heart and not because he would like to see them all half naked before he makes another elimination tonight. Sure, Jan.
Okay, damn. All the girls are going in on Alayah and she is screwed. The only way she can come back from this is if she anonymously publishes her own burn book and blames it on
Cady Heron Sydney. *turns up volume*
Production is doing absolutely no favors for this supposed pool “party.” All the footage they’ve captured is of girls taking naps by the pool or gently sipping mimosas. I’ve seen wilder things at the community pool in my Grandma’s retirement community. That Eugene is a REAL scoundrel.
Alayah decides that she needs to squash this beef with Sydney if she has any hope of winning over Peter. She’s going to do this by having an honest and open conversation with Sydney and she’ll even leave her eyelash extensions at home and everything. Ah, yes. The modern day olive branch, if you will.
Peter seems way too invested in this authenticity debate. He keeps asking Alayah about her intentions and why other girls think she’s fake and how does he know what’s real or fake with her? Okay, Peter, but what are you really worried about here? She’s not the only one who’s going to fake an orgasm with you okay!!
PETER: *laughs nervously* but you haven’t faked anything with me, right?
ALAYAH: I can’t fake anything I swear!!
But Alayah’s reputation cannot be salvaged, because just as the dust is clearing for her, Hot Victoria comes in to tell Peter about the illuminating three hours she spent with Alayah pre-production. Yes, Victoria, please tell us about how in 180 minutes you learned all about Alayah’s innermost secrets and desires, but in the two years I’ve worked at my job I still don’t know my PM’s last name.
Hot Victoria tells Peter that Alayah told her that she would be open to other opportunities after this show even if it wasn’t as Peter’s wife. I’m sorry is this supposed to be news to anyone here?? SO IS EVERYONE, VICTORIA. WHAT IS YOUR POINT.
Look, I’m not Team Alayah or anything but I think this is a little unfair. She’s one of a NUMBER of pageant girls this season (including you, Hot Victoria!) so by no means is she the only one here who is skilled at manipulation and acting fake for the cameras. And literally everyone is on this show to pursue their personal brands! And do you want to know how I know this? Because every single woman here looks like they walked straight out of the FaceTune app. Their arguments would be much more believable if even one of them showed a single, physical flaw in front of the cameras.
Peter confronts Alayah again and you can tell the poor girl has had a few minutes thinking they were all good and is now about to be completely blindsided. He asks her about the producer thing and you can see the moment she knows she’s f*cked.
She says that she only told Hot Victoria to lie because she didn’t think that two people who knew each other could be on the show. I’ve heard better excuses from the five-year-old I used to babysit when she would tell me she didn’t draw on her parent’s bedroom walls, her invisible friend Martha did. Come on, Alayah, you’re better than this!
Going into the rose ceremony tonight the atmosphere is TENSE. I feel like there has been a lot of drama in the house this episode. What, is everyone’s cycle syncing or something?
Kelsey is the first to receive a rose this evening, and it’s great that she continues to get rewarded for her terrible behavior. It gives me hope for the future. Meanwhile, MyKenna’s anguish is actually visible throughout this entire rose ceremony. Watching a 22-year-old, physically flawless Instagram model understand rejection for the first time in her charmed life is truly giving me life.
Ugh, but MyKenna gets the last rose of the evening, which means Alayah, Jasmine, Alexa, and Sarah are all going home tonight.
But wait! The plot thickens! As soon as Peter gets one last look at Alayah
and her rack he feels conflicted by his decision. He asks the producers if there’s a way he can bring Alayah back and it’s like PETER THERE ARE NO TAKEBACKSIES IN THIS GAME!! You know, unless you’re Hannah Brown, and then by all means play a game of musical chairs with all of your romantic suitors.
And on that note, I’m outtie betches! See you next week where we’ll learn if Peter brings Alayah back and the women in turn form an angry mob where they draw and quarter him in the town square for his idiocy. You love to see it. Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @chrisbharrison /Instagram (1)
UPDATE: Aaaand just like that, it’s officially over. After a few days of rumors, Tayshia finally took to Instagram on Wednesday afternoon to confirm the news that she and John Paul Jones have decided to go their separate ways. Sad! Tayshia says in the post that she likes to keep her personal life private, which is pretty hilarious for someone who’s been in multiple reality TV relationships in the past year. Obviously, she realized this too, and it’s good to hear the news straight from the source.
She says that after a while, the fact that they live across the country was just too much to handle. Truly like, shocking that long distance isn’t easy, huh? Tayshia says sshe and JPJ are still “the best of friends,” which like, who knows if we actually believe that. But John Paul Jones did comment on the post with a heart emoji, so at least we know they haven’t blocked each other. So yeah, we’re saying farewell to this BiP couple, but it seems like things are on pretty good terms.
View this post on Instagram
I know you guys have been asking about John and I recently, and as much as I like to keep my personal life private, I realize you have all watched and been a part of our journey from the beginning. Therefore to stay true to that, I need to be open and honest with you in order to heal and move on. John and I had something incredibly special. We fell for each other in Paradise, and everything was a whirlwind after that. When the show ended, I truly went back to Maryland to see if what we had was something we could build on without cameras, a production crew, and without feeling any pressure: to simply figure things out on our own terms. But the reality was, we were living on opposite coasts, and working insane schedules that made it impossible to see each other and build a life with each other. We truly did the best we could, but at this time have decided that what is best for the both of us is to go our separate ways. We are the best of friends and will continue to remain in each other’s life because regardless of the situation, we make each other happy💕💕
It’s been a cool two months since Bachelor in Paradise ended, but if you think we here at Betches have been sleeping on the statuses of these couples just because of a little thing like production ending, then you’d better think again. What else am I supposed to do with my time during regular business hours if not aggressively deep diving into these people’s private lives? Actual work? Nah, I don’t think so. Well, the Demi and Kristian breakup rumors aren’t the only couple updates we need to talk about. It’s recently come to my attention via a Reddit thread (a place where all hard-hitting journalism stories truly begin IMO) that BiP prom king and queen John Paul Jones and Tayshia Adams might be officially over (as if they were ever really together to begin with).
When the two hit it off in Mexico this summer, I just instinctively knew that it was entirely for ratings. I mean, Tayshia referred to John Paul Jones, a man I’m convinced was only a part of the Bachelor franchise because he lost a bet to his frat brothers and was blackmailed into going on the show, as an “old soul” and “very deep” after he butchered some Shakespeare lines on national television.
A deep thinker, indeed.
And while most of the reality TV-loving world has been shipping these two since Tayshia ran down the beach wailing “I’M SORRY JOHN”, I’ve had my doubts as to the legitimacy of their relationship for awhile now. Turns out, I was right to be skeptical, because apparently Tayshia was caught RED-HANDED out on a date with another man last week.
Reddit user Poopburb (not a great username I know, but a whistleblower nonetheless!) posted in a thread that their coworker’s neighbor spotted Tayshia out on what appeared to be a date that wasn’t with JPJ in Newport Beach on October 24th. The coworker’s neighbor said that Tayshia and the mystery man were “flirting and touching all night” and there’s even video evidence to back up the claim. If you watch the video, Tayshia is most certainly with someone who doesn’t have the hair of a long-lost Hanson brother but, like, she could also just be catching dinner with an old friend. Fans are saying the video is damning because Tayshia and her date are sitting on the same side of the booth, which apparently means they’re dating. Again, not really rock solid evidence of a break up with JPJ so much as rock solid evidence that Tayshia might be a sociopath, because only monsters sit on the same side of the booth as the other person they’re dining with, but fine Reddit.
This isn’t the first time it’s been speculated that JPJ and Tayshia’s relationship was all for publicity. Reality Steve tweeted that the couple had broken up way back in September, and were only keeping up appearances on social media for the fans and sponsorship deals. While fans were outraged at that accusation, Tayshia and JPJ haven’t exactly been flaunting their relationship, and by that I mean they’re about as active on each other’s socials as I am with the cousin my mother guilt-tripped me into following on Instagram (you know who you are, Sabrina!). In fact, they’ve almost been nonexistent from each other’s Instagrams, until October 7th, when Tayshia was briefly mentioned on JPJ’s IG feed while both were at a brunch with other Bachelor alums. Tbh to me, their lack of vom-inducing posts says more about their relationship status than this shaky 30-second video.
But all of this speculation on Tayshia and JPJ’s relationship has made me wonder about the other couples from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Are they still in love and dry humping on my Instagram feed? Pretending to date the other for spon-con purposes? Broken up and summoning a vengeance demon to plague the other with incurable acne and a mild case of crabs? I’ve done some digging and here’s what I’ve discovered:
Hannah G & Dylan: Definitely Still Together
Okay, was this even a real question? These two have been going strong ever since they got engaged in Paradise, and I know this because Dylan won’t shut the f*ck up about it on his Instagram. But, I mean, every happiness to you both!
Katie & Chris: It’s Complicated
Moving on to Katie and Chris. Their reunion on the BiP after show was hard to watch. Katie admitted that Chris is a piece of sh*t and Chris looked like he would just rather be excluded from this narrative. After the finale aired, it appeared the couple had made up and were giving their relationship another chance because
ad revenue true love is real after all. That said, Chris has been suspiciously absent from Katie’s Instagram ever since the After the Final Rose episode aired, but she was also seen wearing her engagement ring at some sort of influencer retreat on October 11th. Chris also shocked us all when he posted a photo with her on IG a few days ago. So, like, maybe they are fine? Either that or they don’t want to give Neil Lane his ring back! I’ll let you be the judge!
Demi & Kristian: Probs Broken Up:
We already talked about this, so click here if you want all the details we have so far. Long story short, it’s not looking good. There’s plenty of evidence, but this shady comment that Kristian’s sister left on Demi’s photo is probably all you need to see.
NOT DESPERATE AT ALL. Y’all I’m dead. Deceased. The comment has since been deleted, but god bless the internet and rabid Bachelor fans for always doing the most when it comes to screen shotting the evidence. Since this feels like a comment I have definitely left on my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s new “in a relationship” status on FB, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m pretty sure Demi and Kristian’s relationship status is deader than my last house plant.
So there you go! That’s the status on all the Bachelor in Paradise couples as far as I can tell from judging their social media posts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my mother what spon-con is and why people would fake a relationship to get it. TTYL!
Images: Giphy (1); @chrisjbukowski /Instagram (1); @dylanbarbour /Instagram (1); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1)
UPDATE: Well, this isn’t a good week for the hopeless romantics in Bachelor Nation, because a second couple from this season of Paradise has officially called it quits. Yesterday, we got confirmation that Tayshia and John Paul Jones are over, and now Demi and Kristian have confirmed that they’ve put their relationship on hold. I may not be surprised, but I’m still sad that they couldn’t make it work.
Like a couple that’s been through an intensive round of PR training, Demi and Kristian announced their split with joint Instagram posts, featuring identical captions and tender photos of them together. This is an interesting comparison to Kristian’s sister’s messy AF comment on Demi’s previous Instagram. While I do love a good dramatic breakup, I’m happy that they seem to be on good terms, at least in public. Sadly, there are plenty of homophobic assholes out there who will be saying “I told you so” about this breakup, so at least Demi and Kristian are being classy about it.
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What has always been at the forefront of our relationship is love and care for one another. Our priority is doing what is best for us. With a heavy heart full of love for one another we have decided it is best for us to take a step back from our relationship. We ultimately want what is best for us in the long run and for us right now, that means being apart and growing individually. We have felt so much love and support from you all as you’ve followed our journey together and for that we are grateful. We will forever be proud of the impact our love story has made and we hope it has helped others feel more accepted and confident within themselves. We hope it reminded others they aren’t alone and don’t need to be ashamed of who they are. And we hope it shows that two people can love one another in different ways and for us right now that is apart. But we remain committed to encouraging each other, supporting each other and continuing forward in a way best for us.
Once the dust settles from the breakup news, ABC will be left with an important question: are they ready for a non-straight season of The Bachelorette? As a fan favorite who happens to be sexually fluid, there’s no denying that Demi would be an exciting choice, and a logical one at that. Personally, I’m not holding my breath for ABC to have a bisexual Bachelorette when they can’t even commit to a Bachelor that doesn’t look like a Ken doll, but it’s nice to imagine.
And just like that, we have plenty of drama to talk about in this Bachelor off-season. Yesterday, we unpacked some major spoilers for Peter’s upcoming season, but today we’re dealing with a fan-favorite couple from the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. All good things must come to an end, and sadly, it looks like Demi and Kristian may have broken up. Nothing has been confirmed yet, but there’s some social media evidence that we definitely need to discuss.
As you probably all recall, Demi went on this season of Paradise feeling deeply conflicted about her relationship at home with Kristian. Over the course of the season, she came out to her fellow castmates/the world, had her girlfriend come to Paradise, and ultimately got engaged at the end of the season. whirlwind really doesn’t even begin to describe it, and like any Bachelor engagement, it was never guaranteed to last.
The rumors first started to pick up steam this past weekend, when Demi and Kristian were seen out and about at different Halloween parties. Alone, that wouldn’t have been like, super damning evidence, but this week the social media posts have started to back things up. Yesterday, Demi posted this photo, and I have to say, she’s never looked better. This is literally the definition of a thirst trap, so much so that Demi literally hashtagged #thirsttrap in her caption.
Demi obviously looks great in the photo, and she got tons of supportive comments from her fellow Bachelor alums. Take, for example, this comment from Blake, who might actually be trying to…be nice to a woman? A weird concept for him, but I think that’s what’s happening for him here.
But there’s one comment on the photo that’s considerably less positive, and it did a lot to fuel the rumors that there’s trouble in ~paradise~ for Demi and Kristian. The comment comes from none other than Kristian’s sister, Caitlin:
Oof, I am cringing so hard right now. Aside from whatever personal drama is going on with these people right now, I personally don’t think it’s that desperate for Demi to post this photo. Like, there are millions of Instagram thots out there posting bikini pics regardless of their relationship, and Caitlin’s comment really just comes across as slut-shamey. In this situation, she’s obviously trying to be catty, but to comment this in such a public place isn’t a great look.
If this salty AF comment wasn’t strong enough evidence that things aren’t great between Demi and Kristian, Kristian also posted this cryptic, emo post on her story yesterday:
Okay, so even though this is frustratingly light on details, it’s clear that Kristian is going through some sh*t right now, and it’s only logical that Demi is involved.
If all of this stuff is real, and Demi and Kristian have broken up, I’m sad to see them go, but not necessarily surprised. I’ve always thought it’s insane how the Bachelor producers expect multiple couples to magically be ready to get engaged at the end of a few drunken weeks on the beach. And on top of that, we watched as Demi was coming to terms with her sexuality, just weeks (days? idk how this works) before getting engaged to the first woman she was ever in a relationship with. I’m not saying there was no chance it was going to work, but that’s not how a normal relationship works
Hopefully Demi and Kristian will speak out soon to clear things up, but for now it doesn’t look like things are going great.
Images: ABC; demi_not_lovato, kristianhaggerty / Instagram
Coming out of a week where the Amazon rainforest is being burned to the ground and the President of the United States of America is declaring himself a prophet, it’s nice to know there’s one constant in the vicious downward spiral that is daily life in 2019: the Bachelor.
Worrying about the future of the planet and life as we know it? Exhausting. Sad. Terrible.
Worrying about the future of the next Bachelor? Fun! Exciting! A blatant but necessary distraction from the impending apocalypse!
We’re about halfway through the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise, and believe me when I say *incredibly Chris Harrison voice* it’s been the most dramatic season yet. Demi Burnett has blessed us with our first openly queer relationship of the franchise. John Paul Jones has blessed us with his hair. Chad Johnson has blessed us with a series of Twitter rants, one that explicitly mention how bad we here at Betches are at our jobs. In short, it’s been a good run.
But as one head of the Bachelor Hydra dies, it is immediately replaced by another, hungrier for our attention than the last. Rumors are already swirling as to who the next Bachelor will be, and we’re here to break down the contenders for you. I am holding three pictures in my hands, but only one can be the next Bachelor. Will it be Mike Johnson, Pilot Pete, or Derek Peth? Only time and a heavy handed producer-influenced edit of Bachelor in Paradise will tell. You wanna be on top?
Trying to decide between Derek, Mike, and Peter for the next bachelor. #BachelorinParadise pic.twitter.com/0ARZQlLx2c
— Jennifer Brush (@JenBrush1213) August 21, 2019
Charismatic, humble, and well-liked amongst his fellow Hannah B. Bachelorette contestants, Mike was looking like Bachelor Nation’s pick up until this week when Derek Peth swooped in with and stole our hearts with never-before-seen levels of empathy in the face of getting dumped by a woman on national television for… another woman. Yes, men, the bar is in fact that low. (JK Derek we love you). But even amidst Derek’s PR win of the century, Mike still has some strong supporters in his corner. In the end we all know it will come down to whichever option lines Mike Fleiss’ bed with more money, but let’s pretend that we have a say.
- Mike is stupid hot.
- He’s an air force veteran, which will win him the loyalty of the conservative end of Bachelor Nation
- He would be the first black Bachelor, which would be a breath of fresh air in this historically white as hell franchise.
- Mike recently battled some criticism that he doesn’t like women of color after turning down Tayshia on Bachelor in Paradise. While he denied these allegations, it’s an early indicator that his decisions as Bachelor would be viewed under a microscope, much like Rachel Lindsay’s were during her season.
Me trying to
explain to my
friends that I
would literally pay
to watch Mike as
the bachelor. My friends #TheBachelorette #bachelornation pic.twitter.com/mHIGUi706N
— Hannah (@hmlink) June 12, 2019
Me when people suggest Derek for Bachelor vs me when people suggest Mike for Bachelor.#BachelorinParadise #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/Wm5RZLC02x
— Bachelor Banter (@Bachelor_Banter) August 21, 2019
Listen, I love Derek. Derek is KILLIN it in Paradise. And any other time I would be totally be on the Derek for Bachelor train. BUT MIKE! WE NEED MIKE FOR BACHELOR #MikeForBachelor #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/KxXawWOaLw
— Vicky (@vfensehl) August 21, 2019
Pilot Pete is a nice guy. Full stop. He’s kind. He’s genuine. He’s wholesome. He’s a pilot. What more is there to say?
Pete came out of Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette in a prime position to take on his roles as the next Bachelor. By steering clear of most of the Luke P. drama, he made it through relatively unscathed, making a graceful exit after hometowns, but not before his family got the chance to assure all of us that he has been “unlucky in love”—an easy transition to a role created solely to find love.
This man was primed to be Ben Higgins 2.0, but I have to ask: After two relatively lackluster seasons of The Bachelor, is that what we need? I would argue it isn’t. In 2020, a year that will be more of a dumpster fire than we could even imagine, we won’t be turning to the fantastical world of The Bachelor for the safe choice. We want drama. We want intrigue. We want someone who will make us forget it’s an election year.
- Your mom loves Pete.
- Your grandma loves Pete.
- Pete is the safe choice.
- Pete would not be the first black Bachelor.
- Pete didn’t just get (gracefully) dumped on national television.
- Pete is the safe choice.
I just don’t think Derek needs to be the next #TheBachelor I think he is a jam up human being, but I’ve seen enough of him. #PilotPete for The bachelor!
— Brooke Weathers (@_brookedoeshair) August 21, 2019
Why has everyone given up on Pilot Pete for Bachelor just because he isn’t in Paradise
— Lexi Semrau (@LexSemrau24) August 23, 2019
Me thinks Pilot Pete is going to be the bachelor and I'm less than impressed to potentially have a another 27 year old vanilla lead. #BachelorInParadise
— Daniela (@DanielaEspo) August 21, 2019
I waited until the end of this writeup to tell you that Derek Peth is going to be the next Bachelor because that’s dramatic storytelling, baby. This is less of an opinion and more of an undisputed fact based on my many years of following The Bachelor and a basic understanding of pop culture politics in this, the year 2019.
ABC loves a redemption. Bringing Derek back to Paradise after his failed engagement to Taylor Nolan was already an indicator that he was in the running to become the next Bachelor. But after his performance this week as “sensitive and emotionally mature man who played the unlucky role in a bisexual love triangle,” there is literally no chance he doesn’t get chosen. He has the support of America, his fellow Bachelor franchise cohorts, and anyone who is remotely attracted to John Krasinski.
Barring any catastrophic events during the remainder of his stay in Paradise, Derek’s contract is effectively signed. I predict he’ll make a swift yet graceful, self-imposed exit, and then waltz his way straight to ABC’s offices for his check.
- A good guy.
- Supports women.
- Looks like John Krasinski.
- Friends with Wells.
- It would probably piss of Chad Johnson.
- The potential return of Taylor Nolan to the cultural zeitgeist but honestly, that’s not even that bad.
- That’s it.
Derek Peth on Demi: "I can’t put myself in her shoes. Truth be told, I can’t understand the level of bravery and courage that it took to say to me."
Me: "DEREK FOR #THEBACHELOR GOODNIGHT." #bip #bachelorinparadise
— Lauren Zima (@laurenzima) August 20, 2019
#derekforbachelor Appreciation video for my roommate on the @BacheloretteABC. My bourbon drinking buddy. My bestie from the TV world and honestly the one of the best guys I’ve ever met. We don’t deserve @pethderek. pic.twitter.com/okvToP6nbJ
— Wells Adams (@WellsAdams) August 21, 2019
And here we have our next #TheBachelor Derek, who is level headed, emotionally intelligent, sensitive, sweet, and understanding. Raise your hand to cast your vote ??♀️ #BachelorInParadise
— Kristina Schulman (@kristinaschulma) August 21, 2019
If John Krasinski & Liam Hemsworth had a child it would be Derek Peth from bachelor in paradise? pic.twitter.com/Iz38Ne9DNS
— Brinley Tavesi (@BrinleyTavesi) August 14, 2019
Me calling the producers to make sure Derek gets a happy ending after all of this this too#BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/oJCbeqEp7V
— the bachelor & bitchelor ? (@acceptedrose) August 21, 2019
Images: Twitter; @acceptedrose, @BrinleyTevesi, @kristinaschulma, @WellsAdams, @DanielaEspo, @LaurenZima, @LexSemrau24, @_brookedoeshair, @JenBrush1213, @hmlink, @BachelorBanter, @vfensehl
Look, I didn’t really think I’d spend my morning analyzing photos of Kim Kardashian’s toes, but yet here I am. In my defense, though, I didn’t just wake up thinking this would be a fun activity to start my day (although, I’ll admit, it’s been fairly entertaining so far). I’m doing it because Demi from Bachelor in Paradise has oh so kindly pointed out that Kim Kardashian, the closest thing to
AI human perfection, may have a sixth toe. And I’ll be damned if that kind of statement is made on my watch without further investigation. This is the life of an entertainment journalist, y’all, and I’m just living it.
It all started with this tweet from Demi.
I found ze 6 toed bandit #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/wuTwP9PXAv
— Demi Burnett (@demi_burnett) August 19, 2019
The photo in question is from Kim’s fragrance collaboration with Kylie Jenner, and it looks like we have some damning evidence here. In the zoomed in pic of Kim’s feet, you can clearly count six toes (I know that because I’ve done it while squinting roughly 17 times).
Dun,dun,dun #extremecloseup pic.twitter.com/Io958x3sSJ
— Ginger (@whatasheila) August 19, 2019
Whether they are her actual toes or just the side effects of some botched Photoshop, I’m not sure. But I’m going to find out…
Which brings me to our next photo of our sweet little Kimberly showing off ALL SIX OF HER TOES (???!!!) in a pair of flip flops.
6!! ? pic.twitter.com/NsbbarijGo
— Letisha Huertas (@316Letty) August 19, 2019
You’d think if she actually was rocking an extra toe, she’d opt for a less revealing shoe, but we all know Kim, she’s all about embracing her flaws. That’s why she’s completely natural and never edits her pics! JK, but you would think that if this were true, she would definitely Photoshop that out. Like, having any visible pores is a no-no, but an extra digit is? Weird place to draw the line, Kim.
Just when I thought I had everything figured out about Kim’s toe count, I stumbled upon this random photo from 2018. Sadly for us six-toe hopefuls, you can see she has five toes on each foot. You can see she’s lifting her feet up, almost as if she’s saying, “Just five toes. Nothing to see here.” A little preemptive strike, I dig it.
View this post on Instagram
Is it just me or is there a slight indent where the sixth toe has appeared in the other photos? Could it be that since this is an up close and personal pic of Kim’s toes (totally normal), lucky number six might’ve been conveniently Photoshopped out?
That wasn’t the first time Kim gave fans an inside look at her feet. Back in 2013 when she was pregnant with her daughter North, she shared this gem. After getting past the fact that her feet are swollen as f*ck, I invite you to join me in counting her toes. One, two, three, four, FIVE ON EACH.
View this post on Instagram
So what the hell is going on here? Well, I’ve crunched the numbers and analyzed the data and came to the following conclusions. It’s possible that Kim just sucks at Photoshop (which we know to be true) and is just giving herself extra digits. (Khloé has done it before.)
However, the more likely option is that there’s a good chance she just has a bunion on her foot which masquerades as a sixth toe, depending on the angle you’re looking from. As one Twitter user pointed out with this photo of Kim on a jet ski, you can see five toes with toenails followed by a nail-less bulge on the side of her foot.
— morgan (@morgannnnlynch) August 19, 2019
So there you have it, guys. Five toes. One bunion. Countless bad Photoshop jobs. My work here is done. If anyone needs me, I’ll be analyzing photos of Kendall Jenner’s belly button.
Images: kimkardashian / Instagram; demi_burnett, morgannnlynch, 316Letty, whatasheila / Twitter
John Paul Jones
I’m excited to see Onyeka back for Paradise, and I feel like she could do well in this environment. As a reminder, her parents got engaged after just two weeks, so the Paradise engagement timeline is basically in her blood.
Katie’s main accomplishment on Colton’s season was warning him that some of the other women weren’t ready for marriage. Good call. Hopefully Katie is ready for marriage, because no doubt Chris Harrison will be itching to end this season with a few proposals. Best of luck!
People are already guessing that Hannah G. and Blake could be a potential Paradise couple, and I’m on board with this. Hannah might not be the most exciting person in the room, but she deserves some redemption after Colton basically ghosted her on national television.
Welcome to Betchelor Nation! Our fave Derek is back, and I’m mostly hoping he stays single because I have several friends who want me to set them up with him. Derek left Paradise with a fiancée last time, so we’ll see how it goes this year.
I’m mainly excited to see Nicole reignite her drama with Onyeka, because that’s what Paradise is really for. Hopefully she sticks to her one drink per hour limit, because things in the BIP house always get emotional.
Sydney quit during Colton’s season and, like Katie, warned him that some of the girls weren’t ready for marriage, and—surprise!—she was right. Who knows if she’ll find a husband this time around, but I have no doubt she’ll keep it real. I’m all for someone going down to Paradise and calling out all the fake relationships.
Is anyone surprised that Annaliese is back for another try after things didn’t work out with Kamil? No, the answer is no. Idk whether she or Nicole will cry more, but I’m sure the tears will be flowing faster than the alcohol. Nothing better than desperation on the beach!
No one is surprised about this, but after getting screwed out of being the Bachelorette, I’m sure she’ll be eager to cement her Instagram sponsorships in Mexico. I’m not sure how she’ll handle this environment, but I’m sure it’ll be good TV regardless.
If you don’t remember Jane, that’s because she was eliminated in the first week of Colton’s season. By my count, this makes nine women from Colton’s season on Paradise this year. As opposed to the guys, where ABC was desperately looking for anyone from the past seven years, with the ladies they just took anyone from Colton’s season with a pulse.
Even in his promo photo, Wills is already bringing the style back to Paradise, thank God. I’m excited to see him return, even though I can’t really imagine him getting engaged at the end. But honestly, who besides Mike Fleiss even cares?
Kevin never even got kissed on Hannah B’s season, so I’m sure he’ll be ready for some action when he gets to Paradise. I don’t really have much to say about him, but based on his promo photo I really hope he gets a little bit of a tan. I’m blinded.
For those of you who are more recent members of Bachelor Nation, ABC is really digging back in the archives here. This is going to be Chris’ SIXTH time on a Bachelor show, and his third trip to Paradise. His first show was all the way back in 2012, when he was on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette. They always say, sixth time’s the charm!