UPDATE: Aaaand just like that, it’s officially over. After a few days of rumors, Tayshia finally took to Instagram on Wednesday afternoon to confirm the news that she and John Paul Jones have decided to go their separate ways. Sad! Tayshia says in the post that she likes to keep her personal life private, which is pretty hilarious for someone who’s been in multiple reality TV relationships in the past year. Obviously, she realized this too, and it’s good to hear the news straight from the source.
She says that after a while, the fact that they live across the country was just too much to handle. Truly like, shocking that long distance isn’t easy, huh? Tayshia says sshe and JPJ are still “the best of friends,” which like, who knows if we actually believe that. But John Paul Jones did comment on the post with a heart emoji, so at least we know they haven’t blocked each other. So yeah, we’re saying farewell to this BiP couple, but it seems like things are on pretty good terms.
It’s been a cool two months since Bachelor in Paradise ended, but if you think we here at Betches have been sleeping on the statuses of these couples just because of a little thing like production ending, then you’d better think again. What else am I supposed to do with my time during regular business hours if not aggressively deep diving into these people’s private lives? Actual work? Nah, I don’t think so. Well, the Demi and Kristian breakup rumors aren’t the only couple updates we need to talk about. It’s recently come to my attention via a Reddit thread (a place where all hard-hitting journalism stories truly begin IMO) that BiP prom king and queen John Paul Jones and Tayshia Adams might be officially over (as if they were ever really together to begin with).
When the two hit it off in Mexico this summer, I just instinctively knew that it was entirely for ratings. I mean, Tayshia referred to John Paul Jones, a man I’m convinced was only a part of the Bachelor franchise because he lost a bet to his frat brothers and was blackmailed into going on the show, as an “old soul” and “very deep” after he butchered some Shakespeare lines on national television.
A deep thinker, indeed.
And while most of the reality TV-loving world has been shipping these two since Tayshia ran down the beach wailing “I’M SORRY JOHN”, I’ve had my doubts as to the legitimacy of their relationship for awhile now. Turns out, I was right to be skeptical, because apparently Tayshia was caught RED-HANDED out on a date with another man last week.
Reddit user Poopburb (not a great username I know, but a whistleblower nonetheless!) posted in a thread that their coworker’s neighbor spotted Tayshia out on what appeared to be a date that wasn’t with JPJ in Newport Beach on October 24th. The coworker’s neighbor said that Tayshia and the mystery man were “flirting and touching all night” and there’s even video evidence to back up the claim. If you watch the video, Tayshia is most certainly with someone who doesn’t have the hair of a long-lost Hanson brother but, like, she could also just be catching dinner with an old friend. Fans are saying the video is damning because Tayshia and her date are sitting on the same side of the booth, which apparently means they’re dating. Again, not really rock solid evidence of a break up with JPJ so much as rock solid evidence that Tayshia might be a sociopath, because only monsters sit on the same side of the booth as the other person they’re dining with, but fine Reddit.
This isn’t the first time it’s been speculated that JPJ and Tayshia’s relationship was all for publicity. Reality Steve tweeted that the couple had broken up way back in September, and were only keeping up appearances on social media for the fans and sponsorship deals. While fans were outraged at that accusation, Tayshia and JPJ haven’t exactly been flaunting their relationship, and by that I mean they’re about as active on each other’s socials as I am with the cousin my mother guilt-tripped me into following on Instagram (you know who you are, Sabrina!). In fact, they’ve almost been nonexistent from each other’s Instagrams, until October 7th, when Tayshia was briefly mentioned on JPJ’s IG feed while both were at a brunch with other Bachelor alums. Tbh to me, their lack of vom-inducing posts says more about their relationship status than this shaky 30-second video.
But all of this speculation on Tayshia and JPJ’s relationship has made me wonder about the other couples from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Are they still in love and dry humping on my Instagram feed? Pretending to date the other for spon-con purposes? Broken up and summoning a vengeance demon to plague the other with incurable acne and a mild case of crabs? I’ve done some digging and here’s what I’ve discovered:
Hannah G & Dylan: Definitely Still Together
Okay, was this even a real question? These two have been going strong ever since they got engaged in Paradise, and I know this because Dylan won’t shut the f*ck up about it on his Instagram. But, I mean, every happiness to you both!
Katie & Chris: It’s Complicated
Moving on to Katie and Chris. Their reunion on the BiP after show was hard to watch. Katie admitted that Chris is a piece of sh*t and Chris looked like he would just rather be excluded from this narrative. After the finale aired, it appeared the couple had made up and were giving their relationship another chance because ad revenue true love is real after all. That said, Chris has been suspiciously absent from Katie’s Instagram ever since the After the Final Rose episode aired, but she was also seen wearing her engagement ring at some sort of influencer retreat on October 11th. Chris also shocked us all when he posted a photo with her on IG a few days ago. So, like, maybe they are fine? Either that or they don’t want to give Neil Lane his ring back! I’ll let you be the judge!
Demi & Kristian: Probs Broken Up:
We already talked about this, so click here if you want all the details we have so far. Long story short, it’s not looking good. There’s plenty of evidence, but this shady comment that Kristian’s sister left on Demi’s photo is probably all you need to see.
NOT DESPERATE AT ALL. Y’all I’m dead. Deceased. The comment has since been deleted, but god bless the internet and rabid Bachelor fans for always doing the most when it comes to screen shotting the evidence. Since this feels like a comment I have definitely left on my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s new “in a relationship” status on FB, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m pretty sure Demi and Kristian’s relationship status is deader than my last house plant.
So there you go! That’s the status on all the Bachelor in Paradise couples as far as I can tell from judging their social media posts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my mother what spon-con is and why people would fake a relationship to get it. TTYL!
Images: Giphy (1); @chrisjbukowski /Instagram (1); @dylanbarbour /Instagram (1); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1)
Sponsored by SkinnyPop
Hello, Bachelor Nation! We have made it to night two, and for that we are rewarded with nothing except two hours of our lives being stripped away to watch Blake complain how he hasn’t gotten his dick wet yet this whole time. Sighs. So let’s dive right in! If I’m remembering correctly through the wine haze, last night a piñata got two men kicked off the show, Clay won Nicole by default, Hannah half-heartedly picked Dylan over Blake, and Demi continued to talk about how conflicted she is over her feelings.
We open on Demi requesting an audience with Chris Harrison. He comes to her, naturally, because we all know she’s really in charge here. I’m surprised he isn’t required to bow to her.
Demi comes clean to Chris and tells him that she’s been seeing a woman named Kristian back home. Chris pretends to sit there thoughtfully, but is wondering if Demi is really confessing her love to him, and using a fake, but similar, name. Demi continues to get a free therapy session out of Chris, as she tells him that she thought the closer she got to Derek, the more she would be over Kristian, but that’s not what happened. Chris nods his head and, again, pretends to sit there thoughtfully, as he actually mentally calculates how much overtime he is getting for this. Chris tells Demi he supports her no matter what, and then scampers off to collect his check.
Demi continues to be conflicted, and I honestly don’t know what else I can say about except to literally quote myself from the last two weeks?
How about this one: “Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home…”
Or this one: “During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it…”
I’ve even bored myself. Can we sh*t or get off the pot here? Bring me Kristian!
Back at the bar, Wells asks Blake how he feels about Caitlin.
BLAKE:
Ladies, the single men of America! This is what we have left for us! You’re a gorgeous girl with a GREAT name, giving a f*ckboy who cries too much and has an unhealthy attachment to his mother the time of day, and when HE is asked about YOU all he can do is muster up a shrug. Shall we make the suicide pact now?
Kristina steals Blake, and this is where I have to say I hate Kristina. She says she gave Blake her rose to torment him, but then she continues to pursue him, and still claims it’s all to ruin his life. Honey, you are not an evil mastermind. An evil mastermind is someone who put real creamer in the almond milk creamer just to watch Kathy in HR run to the bathroom every morning at 10:05. Should’ve approved my PTO days, bitch. Until then, we all know you still want him.
Oh boy. Just when I was beginning to be a fan of the way Caitlin was handling herself with Kristina she has to go and say “Women should respect women.” Nooooooooooo! They are fighting over a MAN and she’s trying to pull the female empowerment card? And not even a good man like Keanu Reeves, we’re talking about pond scum. Save the “women respect women” thing for when you want your mom to cover your credit card bill, Caitlin.
Elsewhere, Katie and Chris are having an awkward conversation about new girls coming in, and she says “do whatever you want to do.” Chris says “really” and the answer is “obviously not you f*cking moron” but Katie just says, “yeah.” And this, my friends, is what we in the biz call foreshadowing.
In walks Jen Saviano, who Dean claims is one of the most attractive women ever, and I hate to burst his bubble and tell him she was created in a plastic surgeon’s wet dream, but here I am! Bursting bubbles!
Caelynn tells us that Blake was talking to Jen while he was ghosting her because of course he was. Is there anyone on planet earth that Blake was not DMing? Like, I’m about to check with my Mom right now.
Katie is freaking out that she told Chris to go on whatever dates he wants, as she should, because he just said yes to a date with Jen.
Chris pulls Katie aside to tell her that he’s going on the date because “he would have liked her to have said she would cut off her arm for him.” That’s the kind of drama I’m looking for in a relationship too, Chris! Cut off your arm for me! Give me a vial of your blood for around my neck! Let me keep you in a box under my bed! I’m in. Call me.
Chris and Jen go on a boat, and he is “applying sunscreen,” and I’m nervous for her next skin cancer screening because this seems more like a sensual massage, and you really need to be vigilant with these things.
Chris and Jen are on rocky waters, literally. That is not me flexing my creative writing skills in a recap of the third-most popular show in a reality franchise. Chris throws up over the edge, and we are only on week three and now we’ve already seen two men puke their brains out. Can’t wait to see who’s next! *Please let it be Blake, please let it be Blake, please let it be BLAKE.*
The date basically ends there, because for some reason there was no night portion to this date. Chris decides to make up for the puking and plan a date when they get back home. He walks in and doesn’t even look at Katie. Dun dun dun.
Okay so the part of the date that Chris “planned” is laying on a bed and drinking champagne that I’m sure someone else uncorked. Such a sweet effort! I hope it also involved some teeth brushing because that’s all I can think about during this close-talking sesh.
Chris says that he thinks Jen is witty and has great one liners and then she says “why don’t we get in some calm waters” in reference to the hot tub, so I’m wondering if that’s what he meant by witty? Because if those are his standards for funny than you can call me Robin F*cking Williams.
Chris and Jen make out in the calm waters and I’m still wondering about the teeth brushing, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Production, give the people what we want! Show us the dental hygiene scene! Is that toothbrush electric, or manual?!
We cut to the beach where Nicole has composed a song for Clay.
NICOLE: I want you in my tummy
ME:
Chris takes Katie aside to tell her about the date. Katie tells him she was basically self-sabotaging when she said he could go on a date, and that she only wants to be with him. I think. I can barely hear anything over the sound of the waves. Did they blow their sound budget on Chris Harrison’s personal masseuse again?
Oh guys, update. Apparently Sydney and Mike are still there. I swear, vomit has gotten more screen time than they have.
Derek continues to talk about his trouble with Demi, and can someone PLEASE put me out of my misery and have this mysterious Kristian show up already? I only like this much talking about something if it’s me bitching about my coworkers.
Chris Harrison shows up to see Demi and she gives him a big hug, and I just get the feeling she’s sneaking into his room at night for some AC, chick flicks, and good old fashioned gossip. She’s clearly the favorite. Be on the lookout for matching pajamas.
Chris tells Demi that they’ve done something to help her make her decision. He points upstairs and there is Kristian, I presume. Demi cries and hugs and kisses her, and I would like to do the same because something is finally HAPPENING.
Demi fills Kristian in on her relationship with Derek, and Kristian seems upset they hooked up. I’m confused about where she thought Demi was going? Even my grandma knows everyone goes to Paradise to bang, and she gets spoon-fed jello for dinner every night. Demi tells Kristian that the second that she saw her in Paradise she knew that she wanted to be with her. Poor Derek. He never even had a chance.
Demi pulls Derek aside to rip his heart out on an air mattress that was haphazardly thrown on the sand. She tells him that Kristian is here now and that when she got here, she knew her heart was with Kristian. AND OMG. They are not making Demi go home?!!?!?!? She is pursuing her relationship with Kristian here!
How I imagine this idea came to be behind the scenes:
BACHELOR PRODUCERS:
BACHELOR PRODUCERS, AGAIN:
And so it was.
Derek is sad. It’s okay Derek. It’s Britney, Betch’s DM is still festering in your inbox if you would like attention from a new tiny blonde, but with a worse attitude.
Now that Derek is alone, he’s crying about how everyone says he’s a great guy, and why won’t anyone ever love him, and the same thing happens to him every time. Oh for f*ck’s sake Derek, this is not my therapists office. And even if it was, Diane wouldn’t stand for this amount of self pity. Buck up, walk into any bar in America as the tall, handsome man you are (who still has all his hair), and find a girl to take home. You’ll be fine. K? Good talk.
Derek and Kristian meet and are both very nice to each other, because I guess they saw last night what happens when you fight on this show. Sad that a piñata inspired more rage and passion in two people than Demi did, but what can you do? Those things are filled with candy.
Demi tells Kristian that Paradise is the perfect place to fall in love and asks her to stay. I’m sorry, the perfect place to fall in love? Are we sure we’re thinking of the same place? Paradise might be the perfect place to develop a strange itch on your genitals, but to fall in love? Kristian agrees to stay, and I fear she’s being misled.
Demi brings Kristian to meet everyone. Blake is confused because he has never seen this woman before, and he didn’t have the chance to DM her before she got there! He’s calling up his Mommy to cry about it as we speak. It’s not fair!
Demi explains who Kristian is and says they’re staying in Paradise together. Everyone is happy for them, and boy are they going to ruin you, Kristian. Behind the scenes, Hannah is crying over Demi and Kristian’s true love, mustering up more emotion for a woman she met this afternoon than she has this whole season for the man that would sell his kidney on the black market to get salami for her charcuterie board.
Demi and Kristian immediately get a date card because in his past life, Chris Harrison was a sociopath who enjoyed manipulating the pain of other human beings for his own pleasure. Or in this life. Sorry, Derek!
Kristian tells Demi she could never go through something like this again and Demi tells her that she wants to do whatever she needs to do to be with Kristian. They say they love each other. And it would all be so sweet if I could hear any sort of passion through Kristian’s relentless monotone.
And that’s all, friends! I’ll see you next week for some more grown man tears and vomit!
Images: ABC; Giphy (5)
