DeMario Jackson Talks About What Caused The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Shutdown

Just when you thought we finally put the BiP scandal to rest after Tuesday’s episode, think again. You may recall how every single person in the sit down/race discussion/sex ed class taught by guidance counselor Chris Harrison was stanning hard for DeMario. You may also recall that any time Corinne was mentioned, the cast basically gave a collective “Ooohh….who’s this?!” and moved on. Multiple cast members expressed concern for DeMario’s reputation, which undoubtedly took a hit during that week-long period where everybody and their drugged-out stepmom just assumed he was a sexual predator. Yeah, not the best thing to have pop up when someone Googles you. Well, DeMario is now speaking for himself, echoing sentiments that many cast members expressed during the Chris Harrison Wokeness Hour aka last week’s episode. In a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, DeMario says that he believes the accusations against him were “fueled by racism” and a “rush to judgement.”

Fucking duh.

As we all know, footage leading up to the “alleged misconduct” aired on BiP last week, but we didn’t see any of the encounter itself, which reportedly took place in the hot tub later that night. According to DeMario, nothing happened in that unaired footage that could have been misconstrued as wrongdoing. “You’re on a multi-million-dollar set with 50 to 100 plus-cameras, 300 workers and an entire production,” Demario said. “I love how Alex was giving the play-by-play with what was going on with me and Corinne when we were in the pool, because it showed all the production, all the people and the cast mates watching.” 


Right, so like, that all makes sense, but I think I speak for all of Bach Nation when I say: What the fuck did happen tho? Something must have happened. It’s not like they would just shut down production for shits and gigs. There’s tooth whitening cream sponsorships money to be made.

Live Footage Of Me Describing My BiP Conspiracy Theories To Strangers On The Train:

According to DeMario, this whole thing comes down to a producer who he describes as “Corinne’s best friend,” (Sidebar: Corinne’s best friend is her producer on Paradise? That is kind of sad…) and that he “remains baffled” by the incident, which he says was “100% consensual.”

“I think people wanted it to be something different. They wanted the angry black guy and this little, innocent white girl. But it wasn’t,” DeMario told the Reporter.

So yeah, all of that is definitely true, but it’s still totally unclear what prompted Corinne’s best friend this producer to pull the plug on the ENTIRE production. Is the implication that Corinne’s best friend this woman was so horrified at the idea of interracial hot tubbing that she shut the whole thing down? Who would be that racist?!? In 2017?!? No way!?!

*Remembers Donald Trump is president*


And what about Corinne (DeMario: Who?)? It seems like there is a lot of shade being thrown her way for her “I am a victim comment,” despite the fact that she basically always said she didn’t blame DeMario, and that her “victim” status was more directed at the show and its producers. I guess the only thing worse in BiP’s mind than being the victim of potential of sexual misconduct is saying anything bad about the show or its staff ever. Good to know.

Basically, we still don’t know what happened, and whatever it was probably had more to do with shady behavior on the part of the production staff than Corinne and DeMario. While I am very happy that DeMario gets the opportunity to save his rep from what were definitely race-based attacks, shouldn’t Corinne get a chance to do the same? As far as I can tell, homegirl woke up from a blackout to her best friend producer being like, “YOU WERE ASSAULTED ON CAMERA AND THE SHOW IS OVER!” And was just kind of like, left to figure out what that means. I can barely handle waking up from a blackout and looking at my bar tab, so I can only imagine how something like this would feel. Also, I just like Corinne and want her to stay in my life. Sue me. 

Ultimately, this entire scandal was just wayyyy too morally ambiguous for Bachelor Nation to handle. This is a group of people who mostly come together every week to watch hot people pretend they’re in love after two dates, so it’s hard to be surprised at their poor handling of a situation that included sexism, racism, and consent all wrapped up in one big ball of awful. If nothing bad happened, why not just tell us what the fuck did happen, rather than trying to pass all this vague BS off as answers? Who are they protecting? The producers? Are we really supposed to believe these people are never manipulated into doing things just because Taylor’s annoying ass doesn’t drink?

At this point, we should all probably get comfortable with the idea that we’ll never really know what happened that night, but that Corinne and DeMario are probably not to blame.

Now let’s get back to trying to figure out whether or not Dean is turning into a fuckboy

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Week 1 Night 2: Middle School Sex Ed Edition

If you were hoping that the second half of this week’s BiP would reveal, in detail, exactly what went down during the Corrine and DeMario hot tub incident, you (like me) were sorely disappointed. This episode was 90% boring-ass wedding stuff, 5% Dean ruining his good rep, and 5% a sobering discussion of race and sexual assault. So yeah, just a typical Tuesday night in 2017 America.

Carly And Evan’s Wedding

Because ABC is a fickle bitch and they know everybody is here for the scandal, they start the show with a full 40 minutes of boring AF Carly and Evan’s wedding shit featuring all the most boring people from past seasons and Ashley Iaconetti.

Full disclosure, I got up and dropped off my laundry while this was happening so if I missed anything, it’s probably because I was balls deep in dryer sheets and also this shit was so boring.

Going back in time through all Bachelor In Paradise weddings past just makes me realize how long The Bachelor has been on. Like, this show is older than my little sister. This show can legally drink. That scares me.

As they cut between these tacky weddings all I can think is, “ABC must pay for all of this shit, right? There’s no way Fit Tea sponsorships can pay for this many outdoor chandeliers.”

Lol at the one wedding where Chris Harrison officiated. I wonder if ABC throws him in as a free gift for couples with no religion/friends.

Literally every guest at each of these weddings was on The Bachelor in some capacity. Does ABC force you to renounce all your non-Bachelor relationships before they’ll pay for your wedding? Is getting married from The Bachelor like leveling up in Scientology?  

Please let this rainy AF windy wedding live in my mind forever as a reminder of how badly outdoor weddings can go. Always book an indoor option, people!

There is truly nothing to say about this wedding other than that this Mexican shaman ceremony is the whitest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

There’s literally no way this is a real shaman. That guy is probably a Peruvian dude from LA who saw a casting call that read “Mexican Shaman For Reality TV Wedding,” and he was like “Ugh okay but only for the SAG points.”

This entire portion of the wedding is about as latino as “Despacito”, aka mostly geared toward white audiences but featuring some fun latin flair.

The Most Awkward Conversation Of All Time

We now shift seamlessly into what appears to be a middle school sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison. Strap in, Bachelor Nation, it’s about to get problematic.

Taylor: I’m sober all the time.
Me: Oh girl we know.

Taylor: People are always coming up to me and saying “I loved your character on the show!”

Each of these contestants are like, 50/50 on being correct about things. For every Raven bravely coming forward about her own experience with assault, there’s a Taylor saying “non-verbal cues” count as consent. You’re literally too sober to be this wrong.

Taylor’s Patients At Home: Wait did my mental health counselor just go on TV and say flirting counts as consent?

Everyone is stanning pretty hard for DeMario, whereas Corinne appears to be on everybody’s bad side.

Raven: I just feel so bad for DeMario.
Chris Harrison: And Corinne.
Entire Cast: …………….sure.

Diggy: *exists*
Chris Harrison: Thank you for bringing up race.

You can literally hear the sound of 15 pristine white buttholes clenching as soon as Chris Harrison brings up race.

Live Footage Of Me When Derek Squeezes Raven’s Shoulder After Opening Up About Her Assault:

Real talk, this is a very good conversation that we should probably be having with people 10-15 years younger than the people on this show. Also, if The Bachelor ever ends (blasphemy) Chris Harrison does have a career as a guidance counselor in his future.

Nobody cares at ALL that Wells will be coming back as the bartender. Half these chicks screamed for joy when they heard Nick Viall would be taking them to Wisconsin but barely cracked a smile at the Wells news. Way harsh, Tai.

Lol as if anyone was not going to come back to Paradise. These people want to get laid find love.

Back To Paradise

FINALLY we’re back to the point of the show: people trying to fuck each other on a beach. We come back to find that there are already like, 15 couples and everyone is in love except Lacey and Iggy. Too bad, so sad.

Me: That whole consent conversation was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen.
Alex: Hold my beer.

Alex not taking a hint from Amanda is giving me flashbacks to every fuckboy I’ve ever met in my life.

Raven: Amanda doesn’t like you.

Alex: Hey Amanda, can I borrow you for a second?
Amanda: *eyes roll so hard she has to go to the hospital*

To be fair, Amanda is not actually telling Alex she doesn’t like him.

Amanda (Confessional): I just want him to fucking leave me alone.
Amanda (IRL): I just think that like, we should like, have fun.

Once again Dean slides into our hearts’ DMs with the perfect analysis: “I think she hates him.”

Cut to Lacey, who is annoying, looks like a Precious Moments figurine, and is a source of ultimate truth.

Lacey: Iggy is so full of shit.
Me: Tru.

Lacey: I am at the bottom of the totem pole.
Me: Also tru.

Derek and Taylor go on their date and it’s like, “Ugh these two will probably actually get engaged, won’t they?”

Matt is already blowing it with Jasmine, which I guess we could have expected seeing as in the previews she gets called “a T-Rex that’s taken Viagra.” I feel like nobody would call her that if she just settled down week one with the guy whose profession is listed as “penguin.”

Dean and Kristina (who apparently took a road trip together!?!) are also on the rocks. On the one hand, Dean is kind of being a fuckboy. On the other hand, I’m delighted he’s not taken.

Evan (of boring wedding fame) actually put it best:

Thanks for the shout out, dude. Sorry I said all that mean stuff about your boring wedding.

Dean: I just feel not good about everything.
Kristina: If you think I’m going to take shit from you after I literally grew up in a Russian orphanage, you know nothing Jon Snow Dean Unglert.

The best part of this episode, by far, is Wells at the bar asking Kristina how to say stuff in Russian.

Wells: How do you say thank you in Russian?
Kristina: Spasibo.
Wells: How do you say “I rigged the election?”
Me: HAHAHAHAHA *Starts Hysterically Crying*

Alright Woke Bachelor in Paradise, you can stay.

This Leaked ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Contract Explains If Corinne Can Sue Over The Misconduct Allegations

So, unless you’re Patrick Star and you live at the bottom of the sea under a literal rock, you’ve heard about the Bachelor in Paradise drama by now. I mean, thank The Lord Baby Jesus that the show isn’t cancelled forever and we’ll get to see this stone cold pack of weirdos make out with each other on a beach at some point in the near future. Still, the drama surrounding Corrine and DeMario raised a lot of questions about what these cast members actually sign up for—like, literally sign up for, with their contract and all.

CNN Money got a hold of the legit Bachelor in Paradise contract and had a lawyer look at it, because journalism. The contract basically gives the show and its producer free reign over your life. That means you can’t sue them if they portray situations in a way that definitely isn’t truthful, if they show you butt-ass naked, or clip your soundbites together to make you say something you definitely didn’t really say. The producers are basically like:

You also can’t sue if you suffer emotional or physical trauma, or, like, you know, catch an STD from someone. You would think you should get tested for that shit before you go on a sex vacation, but some people like to ruin things for others.

Instead of like on actual news shows, where, if you portray someone in a way that didn’t happen you get a lawsuit slapped on you so fast your head spins, on Bachelor in Paradise, the producers get total free reign with no repercussions.

Like, how Ashley I. was always talking to a parrot instead of a producer. That didn’t really happen, but it was funny and she signed a contract so the show had its metaphorical way with her. Also, producers can make it look like you did the dirty with a cast mate with a few well-placed “mmmm” and “oh yeah” and “oh my god” captions, even if all that went down was generally PG-13.

The contract does say that you shouldn’t do anything technically illegal and should also probably not assault other people on the show. Yet, the show and its producers aren’t responsible if someone goes rogue and eats you out in a pool gets weird with you.

So the question you may be asking yourself is, why would anyone sign on for this shit? The answer is fucking obvious. Have you seen the money people make on Instagram endorsements after becoming Bachelor famous? Yeah, that’s why. Also, if you don’t sign the contract, there are about 50 other contestants from the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette who would gladly sign their lives away for a little more screen time. 

Our ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Predictions For This Dumpster Fire Of A Season

If there’s one thing we can rely on in this topsy-turvy world where crazy white men rule with impunity and the rest of us try to figure out where to buy red cloaks before all the good ones are gone, it’s the Bachelor franchise. Dictators may rise, civilizations may fall, gorillas could overthrow the human race, but Chris Harrison and ABC will never relinquish their death grip on our Monday and Tuesday nights, even in the face of sexual misconduct allegations.

In case you hadn’t heard the fantastic news, Bachelor in Paradise is back in production after Warner Brothers pursued an internal investigation and determined that nothing shady happened. Sounds legit. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when you stick a bunch of Diff Eyewear ambassadors in a secluded resort, drown them in tequila, and then tell them to fuck each other? Other than absolutely everything? Let’s be real, we all know ABC had entire law firm on retainer in the event of this very incident occurring.


Is it messed up that Bachelor in Paradise is resuming filming while one of the cast members is actively pursuing a lawsuit for potential sexual assault? For sure. Does that mean we’re going to boycott it? Absolutely fucking not. Corinne and her platinum vagine hold a special place in my heart for being the sole source of entertainment in Nick Viall’s entire dismal season and I hope she gets a fat payout and the justice she deserves. However, I’m definitely still going to tune in to watch Raven and Robby fall in love and see Russian Alex grind on some unsuspecting women. Not a spoiler, we all know he’s not winning Rachel’s heart.

Other than the inevitable appearance of the Whaboom and Alexis “Dolphin” Waters, what else can we expect from quite literally the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise yet? We have a few ideas.

I’m praying for round two of Blake vs. the Whaboom. Unpopular opinion (but not really): I’m 100% Team Whaboom. You know Blake has a closet full of fedoras and has accused no less than 16 women in his life of friend-zoning him. The Whaboom is just reality TV trash, which is why we’re all watching this shit in the first place. Between a delusional wannabe actor with some questionable branding practices and a personal trainer/aspiring drummer who spent four solid minutes on national television talking about how great his dick is and insisted on questioning people’s motives during the very first cocktail party, I’ll take the former. Everyone knows that’s some week three material.

Whaboom And Blake

This is the way the world ends: not with a whimper, but with a Whaboom.

It’s already been announced that DeMario will be making his return, but what about Corinne? If she’s in the middle of a lawsuit against ABC, I don’t imagine they’d let her back into Paradise. But then again, I wouldn’t put it past them to exploit that for buzz. If Unreal has taught me anything, it’s that the executive producer of the Bachelor franchise will quite literally let someone die if it means a bump in ratings.

Speaking of exploitation, are we going to see the footage that started it all? Doubtful, but I can almost guarantee that we’ll get everything leading up to it, followed by a montage of concerned cast mates the next morning clamoring for the spotlight. Raven will say “oh my gawd” no less than 100 times throughout the course of the episode.

In general, you can expect the entire season to be a little darker than the paradise we’re accustomed to. Not even ABC has the balls to stroll back in and pretend like nothing happened. Corinne and Demario will be a theme throughout it all, which is sure to result in a bunch of tears from people who weren’t even remotely involved (I’m looking at you Raven).

Raven Gates

DeMario will without a doubt suffer no less than three breakdowns throughout this journey to love. Like, he was already in deep shit after Girlfriend Gate 2017, can you imagine how the world would have reacted had he deprived us of Bachelor in Paradise? Anarchy. Of all these predictions, I’m the most confident that DeMario will hook up with Lace, who seems like the kind of girl to seek out troubled me so she can “fix” them. RIP #Grace.

We know for sure that Amanda, Vinny, Raven, Lace, Kristina and Astrid will all be returning post-scandal. Here’s your daily friendly reminder that if Amanda hadn’t been an idiot last season and chosen Josh over Nick, we all could have been spared an entire Bachelor era of wooly turtle necks and mind-numbingly dull conversation. She’s on our shit list.

Will Vinny recover from his heartbreaking departure last year? For sure, only to have Izzy show up four weeks in and fuck everything up. Remember how she left him out of the blue for a guy who wasn’t even interested in her? Fuck Izzy.

If Kristina and Alex don’t form the perfect Eastern European union, I will burn ABC to the ground. There has never been a greater need for some positive Russian news in America than in 2017. First of all, their children would be beautiful and probably all-star gymnasts. Can you imagine the sweet Russian nothings they would whisper to each other on a beachside cabana?? Let his mother soothe your childhood trauma with her fabulous kebabs, Kristina. It’s what the world wants.

Kristina Bachelor

Derek “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” Peth is possibly making an appearance in Paradise, and I would bet anything that he’s going to get into some shit with someone. Hopefully Chad, who is back in ABC’s good graces now that someone has surpassed his level of debauchery. We all know Derek is the sensitive one which leads me to believe he’ll immediately be drawn to Amanda. To be fair, every man is immediately drawn to Amanda, as she is a real life pixie with the voice of Thumbelina.

Of all the people we know to be arriving, Raven is the most likely to be engaged by the end of it. You know every guy in the franchise immediately got a boner at the thought of being the man to provide her with her first orgasm. I don’t care what anyone says, we all know Nick couldn’t do it.

Without a doubt, Carly and Evan will show up to get married and then condescendingly preach to everyone about the wonders of true love. Gag. Remember how Evan faked alcohol poisoning just so Carly would kiss him? Solid foundation for a happy marriage.

Will Chad return? Will the twins take a break from their shitty show to provide some much-needed comedic relief? Will Corinne make a brief appearance just to punch Taylor in the face and then leave? Most importantly, exactly how many gallons of mimosas will Chris Harrison consume over the course of these cursed six weeks? All this and more, this season on Bachelor in Paradise.

Corinne Speaks On The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Scandal

All right, everybody, I’ll skip the lofty introductions and get right to the point. We’ve been waiting for details about what happened between Corinne and DeMario on Bachelor in Paradise. New reports have emerged about the allegations and it’s pretty much the worst-case scenario: Corinne claims she did not consent to the alleged sexual activity with DeMario. Sources close to Corinne say the famous napper was “in a blackout state” when she and DeMario started hooking up and she claims to remember nothing. She’s reportedly upset at producers for not pulling the plug and protecting her.

Corinne’s sources told TMZ, “several cast members told her they had voiced concern to people on the production crew that she was in no position to consent to sexual activity, but the crew did not heed their warnings.” Production sources refute that claim to TMZ and insist “other cast members did not complain to anyone,” even though PEOPLE reported multiple cast members tried to speak up and are upset the producers didn’t intervene… but sure, let’s go ahead and believe that the people who need to cover their own asses rn truly had no knowledge of what was going on.

Corinne’s sources added, “Corinne has told her friends she has a boyfriend and wouldn’t have done what she did—especially with cameras rolling—to jeopardize that relationship.” According to TMZ, “Corrine doesn’t fully blame DeMario because he too was drunk. She blames producers and has lawyered up.”

One thing’s for certain: This is a fucking mess. Buckle up, because this is about to be every highly publicized college campus sexual assault case times 50. We’re about to see it all: victim-blamers, rape apologists, racists, feminists, skeptics. You name it, everybody’s going to come out of the woodwork. The other thing that is for certain is that the producers really fucked up. I mean, even the concept of having a bunch of horny drunk singles marooned on an island for the (almost) express purpose of hooking up on camera is pretty fucked—you’re not exactly starting with the foundations of active consent. Not to mention, this was almost exactly the plot of a Law & Order: SVU episode, so if Dick Wolf has thought of it, the ABC producers should have been on their guard 100% to prevent Bachelor in Paradise from turning into an episode of SVU.

Once again for the people in back, although sickening, these reports have not been fully confirmed. This definitely won’t be our final update, so stay tuned for more on this developing shit show situation.

The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Cast Is Out & Here Are Our Hookup Predictions

It’s almost time for the most absudly amazing summer television series to get its metaphorical ass back on air. That’s right, Bachelor in Paradise returns Tuesday, August 8th and we cannot fucking wait.

ABC released a cast breakdown including some people we knew would be there: Corinne, Raven, Amanda, Alexis, etc. But there are also some pretty notable people missing. Not on the list: The Chad. It doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t be there, just that ABC doesn’t want to give out too many #spoilers. Likewise, what’s Bachelor in Paradise without Ashley I. and her crazy crying spells? We might find out this season.

DeMario aka “Ooooh, who’s this?” from Rachel’s season is also set to appear. No word on if Whaboom and Banana Blake are also touching down in paradise, but there’s probably a good chance these two are facing off again in the near future on a TV screen near you.

Most of the other salty singles are from JoJo’s and Nick’s seasons. So who do we think is going to get down and dirty with each other? Below, our soon-to-be completely accurate predictions.

Robby and Raven: They were both runners-up on their respective seasons, so it makes sense that they’ll want some losers’ revenge and get with each other. Plus, girls with asses like Raven’s don’t date guys without abs. Robby certainly has that body thing going for him. Plus, Raven’s from East Bumfuck, Arkansas or something and Robbie is from Florida. They might be drawn to each other with a little bit of southern charm.

DeMario and Corinne: This is a bit of a wild pairing, I know. But think about it. They’re both loudmouths who will bond over being hated on their seasons. Corinne will notice that DeMario is, um, tall, and probably invite him for a tour around her platinum vagine. Plus, after meeting Lexie the ex, we know Demario is into short white girls. See, it’s perfect. You’re welcome.

Ben and Danielle M: Ben Zorn was on Katilin’s season. His Instagram says he’s a personal trainer. Danielle has been in a few country music videos, but was otherwise kind of boring on Nick’s season. I don’t think either of these people stand out because of their personalities, but they seem nice enough. They’re both tall and attractive and polite. It’ll work out.

St. Nick and Kristina: Nick came dressed as Santa on night one of JoJo’s season. Despite his stupid costume back then, he seems like a pretty well-rounded guy. You know, like he hasn’t been ho ho ho-ing around. OK, bad pun. Anyway, Kristina revealed the saddest story of all time on Nick’s season, that she grew up very poor in Russia and was so hungry once that she resorted to eating lipstick. I’m not crying, you’re crying. I think Nick would be a good match for Kristina. She quite literally deserves to be blessed with a good man and they don’t call him “Saint” Nick for nothing. 

Vinny and Alexis: Sure, Vinny pretty much got dumped the last time he was on Bachelor in Paradise. This time, I don’t feel like he’ll be looking for love. Instead, he’ll be looking for a good time. That’s the perfect reason he should hook up with Shark/Dolphin Alexis. Alexis is never in a bad mood. She’s the perfect beach buddy. I think they’re both from Long Island or Jersey or somewhere equally trashy. As Tinder proves to us, proximity matters, and you’ll want someone you can send a “U Up?” text to after the show ends.

“Emotional Intelligence” Taylor is also on the show. Even though Blake E. (of Whaboom-hating fame) hasn’t been announced as an actual cast member yet, I feel like these two deserve each other and ABC needs to make it happen. Their hate for someone else got them both kicked off the show, and they’d be miserable together by constantly questioning the other’s motives.

Get pumped, Bachelor/ette nation.

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: DeMari-NO

Catch up on last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ recap here!

This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act. 

First Group Date

The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF “husband material” obstacle course featuring Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.

Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?

I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punk’d? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someone’s agents need to work a little harder.

How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachel’s husband in this group but TBH I can’t seem to find his acting career here either.

Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because he’s on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.

Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch Real Housewives.

Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram. 

Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous encounter reality show. I KNOW HE’S JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HE’S A WHAFAKE!

What does it mean to “further your Whaboom?” Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.

Rachel feels like she’s not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe it’s because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?

Read: Blake & Whaboom’s Feud Started Way Before ‘The Bachelorette’

Date With Peter

Peter is super hot.

Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob

Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.

Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.

How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting STOP YULIN FOREVER.

Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.  

Second Group Date

Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”

All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isn’t in their group date guys and it’s a basketball player. 

ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall. 

Pretty much everyone in America’s reaction to the idea that Kareem Abdul Jabbar is going to give Rachel advice on love and relationships. ^

The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?

DeMario’s girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghoster’s worst nightmare.

Literally every fuckboy’s body language when you confront him about the shady shit he’s done. ^

Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMario’s ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.

On my kitten’s graves he never came to my house and broke up with me.”

“The last time he came to my apartment he was fucking me.”

Demario’s ex had to take a flight for this fight. She took work days off. Who’s crazy in that situation? #TheBachelorette

— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) May 30, 2017


And that’s what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does. 

Rachel: You’re not being honest so you can get the fuck out.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that. 

Rose Ceremony

I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.

Alex: Here’s an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky that’s enough.

DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because The Bachelorette refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings.