I’m really fucking annoyed right now. For multiple reasons. First off, I haven’t had an open Thursday night since like, the 90s, all thanks to Shonda fucking Rhimes and her life-ruining, ugly-crying, unrealistically stupid medical drama show that I’ve been sucked into watching for like, 87 years straight. I’m obviously talking about Grey’s Anatomy.
And while we’re on the topic of this being my favorite show that I unapologetically refuse to stop watching, I was so excited to write a #TBT post about Grey’s Anatomy. But the fact that Shonda somehow managed to not kill off every character and continues to make me loathe 90% of them for 13 seasons (AND COUNTING) officially cancels out the whole “#TBT” aspect. So essentially, this is now just like, another dumb present-day recap. Kinda like that annoying chick that posts a #TBT pic about her vacation she got back from three hours ago. But whatever, no one’s twisting your arm and forcing you to read about the actual worst characters on this show, just like no one’s twisting my arm and forcing me to invest more time into a fictional wasteland than I ever have in anything that actually matters in life, but here we are.
10. Ava/Rebecca/Whoever The Fuck
Ok, the bitch had issues. It’s no fucking mystery. But to change your name, pretend you “don’t remember” shit about your life in order for the biggest fuckboy to roam the halls of Seattle Grace to take one glance at you, and then try to kill yourself in the comfort of his own home? That is some fucked up Stage-5, 13 Reasons Why baby-back bullshit. Doesn’t she know that most people in L.A. would KILL to have facial reconstructive surgery? Like, be grateful for what you have and quit the pity party. TBH, the only reason she’s the least annoying is because she’s obvi mental patient status and I have to at least act like I have a heart.
Annoyance level: Girl who shares a social media account with her boyfriend.
9. Miranda Bailey
Congrats to Bailey for not entirely making me want to rip my weave out, but the more seasons in this goddamn series, the more she’s beginning to piss me off. I thrived off Bailey’s sass and take-no-BS attitude with a secret soft side in the beginning of the series. But apparently now she just can’t handle super unfortunate things in her life, like her uncontrollable sexual desires or her intolerance for like, every human ever, which are things I only strive to achieve. Build me a fucking bridge, Bailey.
Annoyance level: Friend who bitches about being broke when she just booked a three-week Euro trip.
8. April Kepner
April made me contemplate taking a pencil to my eyeball when she first came on, and later KEPT coming on, and then she got a little better I guess. She blames everyone else for her garbage decisions (same), like the time she blamed failing her board exam on Jackson. I take full responsibility for my C average in college due attending toga frat parties on the reg. It’s called acceptance. And who the fuck leaves a guy like Jesse Williams (who’s capable dicking down any specimen with a vagina of his choosing) to go overseas and refuses to return? On second thought, stay there, Kep. You’re cancelled.
Annoyance level: Girl who reminds the teacher you have homework due two minutes before class ends.
7. Maggie Pierce
Maggie comes in as Lexi’s replacement, which is like, what’s the lesser of two annoyings? Truthfully, IDK. Her incessant need to babble on about IDK what lands her at the No. 7 spot because she’s like that girl you reply “that’s crazy” to, which is the universal term for, “I literally tuned you out 12 minutes ago,” but she evidently doesn’t get the hint and still rambles on. Bitch needs to sit down and maybe roll a fatty to chill the fuck out, but she does throw a mean right hook, so four for you, Mags.
Annoyance level: Uber driver who shares his life story.
6. Erica Hahn
Someone get this bitch a hug stat. Or a dick. Wait, I think she was a lesbian? Regardless, Erica had a stick up her ass throughout her entire existence, but the only thing she had going for her was her rivalry with that fucktard Burke. She was good at what she did, but clearly being a good doctor is like the 12th most important thing on the checklist when it comes to Seattle Grace employees, considering they all pretty much could have avoided killing their patients. Bottom line is she was just annoying as fuck, and served no purpose other than to give me chronic forehead wrinkles from scrunching my face in disgust for like, three entire seasons.
Annoyance level: Girl who irks you by simply existing and you can’t pinpoint why.
5. Reed Adamson
Reed and her dumb Keebler Elf haircut need to get that shit out of George’s cubby like, yesterday. Has this bitch any respect? First off, she’s like that exchange student from the rival high school who thinks she’s hot shit because she hailed from the east side, but really nobody gives a fuck. She also went full Regina George and snaked her way into relationships by playing Alex and hooking up with Mark while he was with someone. Close your goddamn legs and get a new hairstylist, Reed.
Annoyance level: Villain on The Bachelor who says she’s not here to make friends.
4. Izzie Stevens
Never forget that Izzie literally killed someone in the name of love. It’s like the modern-day Romeo and Juliet, except that it’s not because instead of sacrificing herself, she literally committed a crime that should’ve landed her life in prison. Is it weird that I feel like this is something the actual Katherine Heigl would do? IDK, she just gives off that vibe. Like, ok, the Denny Duquette love story literally left my soul in a puddle of mush, but lest we also not forget that not only did Izzie jack someone’s heart, she also stole someone else’s husband and left her own. The only reason why Izzie isn’t further down this list is because I don’t have enough Xanax to tolerate another bitchy Kath Heigl rom-com character who miraculously cons the hot guy into falling for her.
Annoyance level: Friend who falls off the face of the Earth after getting a boyfriend.
3. Preston Burke
Don’t even get me started on Preston fucking Burke. I curse the day this fuckboy was born. He literally pulled the biggest jackass rule in the book à la Mr. Big and left Christina Yang on her wedding day at the altar. He really couldn’t do this 12 hours prior? Pretty sure he also pushed her into everything else in their fucked-up relationship, too. But probably the worst part about all of this is that Burke’s mom stripped Christina of the one thing on a woman you never dare to fuck with: her eyebrows. If it isn’t apparent by now, there’s a special place in hell for the Burke clan.
Annoyance level: Mr. Big leaving Carrie Bradshaw on their wedding day.
2. Arizona Robbins
Is it some sort of rule that once you become crippled, disabled, and/or over the age of 65, you’re just allowed to be a dick for no apparent reason? Because sign me the fuck up. But seriously, Arizona Robbins used to be a Shonda fave until she blamed Callie for chopping off her leg (which fucking SAVED HER LIFE, but nbd) and went AWOL on everyone by cheating on Callie with P-Sawyer to like, get back at her or some shit. Way to fucking go, AZ. On that note, who the fuck names their kid Arizona? No wonder this bitch is batshit.
Annoyance level: Regina George telling Cady she’d “talk” to Aaron Samuels for her.
1. Meredith Grey
Fucking duh, Meredith earns the top spot on this list—not even her therapist can tolerate her. And I swear to god, if she refers to herself as dark and twisty one more time, I’m quitting #SHIT night. That’s actually fake news, but it’s the thought. Like sure, she’s been through hell and back, but that was like, a few seasons in. Mer had no excuse for being a whiny, semi-selfish bad friend the first couple years at Seattle Grace. Also, who sleeps with their best guy friend knowing she’ll regret it in the morning? I mean, me, but that’s beside the point. And then she didn’t even tell Derek’s sisters she took him off life support and just peaced the fuck out for a year. She’s like that friend you only call when you’re feeling like shit, because you know she’ll already have something to bitch about, too. TBH, I would’ve given Meredith a break had she not taken Derek’s tumor drawing out of her room. Sorry, Mer, you’re in the prime annoyance spot for life.
Annoyance level: Every year ABC announces Grey’s Anatomy is renewed for another season.
From Sex and the City to Girls to Game of Thrones, I honestly didn’t think HBO could get any better, especially when it comes to girl power television. Well I was wrong. And you better screenshot that shit because I will never admit it ever again. The only reason I’m saying it now is because Big Little Lies might be the best ever. That’s right, GOT freaks and SJP worshippers. I fucking said it. It’s like Real Housewives of NorCal meets Girl on the Train murder mystery starring the world’s betchiest cast (minus that nice girl from Secret Life of the American Teenager).
Lucky for us, HBO decided to revive this excellent miniseries for a second season, and we’re only a month away from the premiere. Here’s a ranking of the Big Little Lies characters in order of betchiness. Oh, and obviously Meryl Streep will land somewhere near the top once we see her on season 2. Can’t. F*cking. Wait.
Was he hot af? Yes. But did he beat the living shit out of Nicole Kidman and rape Shailene Woodley? Also yes. So like, sorry Eric Northman, but you can’t sit with us. You can try Sears the White House.
I’m probs gonna get some heat for this because everyone fucking loved Jane because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom who moved to Monterey and is like, poor and shit. I can respect that. But she always looked terrible and followed Madeline around like a sad rescue puppy in a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Plus, I can’t get over the fact that it’s Amy Juergens.
Is it just me or was Nathan the fucking worst? He’s like that frat bro in college that ends things because he thinks you’re too clingy since you left a sock at his place, then six months later proposes to your grandlittle. Fucking prick. Not to mention, no one is mean to Reese Witherspoon without consequences. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
Ed is an extremely lovable person, like the only one on the whole show, but he’s a typical nice guy who gets steamrolled by everyone. His wife, his wife’s ex, the dude his wife screws on the side, his step daughter, his cool 6-year-old. Literally everyone. And being a little bitch is so not betchy.
Renata is the worst, but she’s a fucking badass. She’s the CEO of a company, on the board of Pay Pal and is the only person in the whole town of Monterey that doesn’t do whatever the fuck Madeline tells her to. She also somehow manages to pick her daughter up from school at like 2:30 on a daily basis despite having what sounds like an exceedingly high powered job. Renata, she does it all. Also, she ends up being part of the mom Plastics at the end, so like, we’ll forgive her for the first five episodes when she sucked.
A lot of you probs thought Celeste would be at the top of the list, but nah. Being the prettiest, skinniest, richest of all the moms helps, but it’s not everything. Like pretty much everyone else, she’s a follower and does whatever Madeline says. She also somehow is delusional enough to not realize her husband is a cheater that also beats the shit out of every woman he sleeps with.
I didn’t want to include kids in this because there’s like a million on this show and who really cares, but Chloe is a future betch in the making who deserves recognition on our list. She has fire taste in music instead of Kids Bop or whatever the kids listen to these days, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Not from her teacher, not from Amabella, not from her prostitute sister, not from her crazy-ass parents. Nobody. She does what she wants, when she wants and that’s a betchy af quality for a 6-year-old.
Bonnie is a classic free-spirited hippie betch. She teaches yoga and is always chill and, while we never actually saw it, I’m pretty sure she smokes a shit ton of weed because no one is that calm without smoking some dank shit. She def went to Burning Man a few times before she got married and had Sky and takes Abigail to Planned Parenthood. Because of the yoga, she’s got a killer bod. Bonus points for killing Perry because he had to go.
2. Celeste’s Therapist
Holy shit, what a bad betch. Unlike most TV therapists who just how ask how you feel about something and stare at you like a slice of Papa John’s, she actually fucking helps. She doesn’t care about ethics and other bullshit because she’s not about to sit there while Celeste gets murdered. She doesn’t give a fuck about the rules and we love it.
Obvi. In a town with a bunch of really attractive, wealthy moms, Madeline has managed to take over as queen bee like a West Coast middle-aged Blair Waldorf. She has a band of minions who do whatever she says and all the men in town think she’s a raging bitch which we all know means that she’s a woman who gets what she fucking wants by any means necessary. She doesn’t take shit from people and threw up on her ex’s new hot wife, something we’ve all dreamed of. #goals
That’s all for new, but stay tuned for more Big Little Lies coverage when it comes back in June!
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the last 7 seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette are all tied for the most dramatic season ever. Right, Chris Harrison? But some of these seasons were shittier than others. I’m looking right at you, Nick Viall. In case you forgot which season rocked and which ones sucked in recent history, we’ve conveniently ranked them for you. You’re welcome. Let’s reminisce on all the mediocre times, shall we?
7. Nick Viall
No one is fucking surprised Nick’s season sucked. You know it. I know it. We all know it. The big mistake show runners made in creating this season was casting the clogged drain of humans, Nick Viall. Did they have a check list of shitty qualities they wanted in a person? Like, who is the most dumpable, lispy, awkward guy we can think of and let’s just cast him. For fuck’s sake. The only thing good about the season, really, was Corinne and even she couldn’t turn this sinking ship around.
6. Juan Pablo
Juan Pablo was the wooooorrst. Well, in this case, the second worst. I feel like he gets points for mostly sticking to the show’s format and not making his dates go to the fucking North Pole to impress him. Juan Pablo was a dick, but at least he was bangable. If you’re saying you wouldn’t hit it, you’re lying. Just put a bag over his head so you don’t have to listen to him talk. He also loses points for being homophobic. Didn’t he mouth off about how gay people weren’t real people or some shit? Yikes. Hard pass.
5. Andi Dorfman
I dropped Andi on this list because girl has some questionable judgement. First of all, she let Nick into her final two and had sex with him. Andi basically got us all into this whole mess in the first place. She also picked Josh who was definitely a douche/potential sociopath. I mean, look at him. I feel like The Bachelorette is generally less dramatic than The Bachelor (i.e. less fun to watch) because dudes don’t know how to fully whip out their crazy like a group of ladies can (did I just set feminism back 50 years?), but Nick and Josh had some good arguments. Nick also called Andi out for sleeping with him and then dumping him. I mean, that was slut shaming at its finest, but it made for good TV.
4. Kaitlin Bristowe
On Kaitlin’s season of The Bachelorette they did that weird thing where they made the dudes pick between her and another chick for the right to be the Bachelorette on the first night of the show. Awkward, yet, still interesting. Kaitlin also banged Nick. Is he charming or something when he isn’t on TV? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Anyway, Kaitlin’s season was pretty dramatic, but she kind of ruined the whole thing when she snapchatted herself and Shawn in bed together before the finale. Bonus points for having the best Snapchat presence out of all the Bach alums, though.
3. Chris Soules
Chris is probably one of the dumbest people that has been on the show, but, dat ass doe. He was cute, charming and had an insanely beautiful smile. I give Chris extra points for helicoptering away from two crying bitches in the desert after dumping them both on a two-on-one date. Like byeeeeee. His season was also pretty enjoyable to watch. Remember when that one girl who was like, so weird about her dead boyfriend? She was all like, “Isn’t my story amazing?” Nah lady, you’re a creep. This season also gave us Ashley I., who I think is a total blessing to The Bachelor franchise.
2. JoJo Fletcher
I still don’t really believe JoJo is a real person. Who just looks like that and also has perfect boobs? We’ll call it witchcraft. Even though you could kind of tell that JoJo was going to choose Aaron Rodgers’ little brother from the beginning, her season was still pretty captivating. This is the season that gave us THE CHAD, for chrissakes. Also, her final four was pretty decent, and by decent I mean hot. Good for JoJo.
1. Ben Higgins
Do I maybe have a huge crush on Ben Higgins? Of course I do. Everyone does. He’s like the boy next door. He somehow got dumped by Kaitlin yet wasn’t pathetic about it. He was also super nice to all of the women, letting them just fester in drama of their own making. The season gave us Olivia, who was the season’s villain and basically Corinne Lite. Ben also broke all the damn rules by telling both JoJo and Lauren B. that he loved them. I mean, that wasn’t the best move but it was definitely great television, and Jojo still hasn’t gotten over it, which is personally amusing for me.
Besides this season being the fucking worst, The Bachelor(ette) is the tits. The only problem is that it has a success rate similar to my final organic chemistry grade freshman year. Weird, right? A bunch of drunk hot people dating the same person and living in a house together so they can
fight to the death go on group dates and watch their S.O. make out with other people doesn’t typically result in lifelong relationships? Groundbreaking. But lately, shit’s actually been working. I don’t know if ABC is paying couples to stay together or if, with the rise of Bumble and Tinder, going on a reality show is now considered a traditional way to meet someone. Either way, we’re paying homage to the couples who were there for the right reasons (vom) by ranking them by betchiness.
**Please note: We’re not ranking Bachelor In Paradise couples. They’re automatically last because they went on a desperate, has-been version of spring break and fucking DTR’d with their vacay fuck buddy.
8. Ashley & J.P.
My inbox has been inundated with questions about Essie’s nursery! You can see it in this week’s issue of @People Magazine, and view a video tour here: http://people.com/babies/ashley-hebert-rosenbaum-daughter-essex-nursery/. I will dedicate my next few posts to some of my favorite details! Enjoy! ** photo credit: (the amazing) @rickysternphotography **
We all tried to erase this season from our memories because it was literal garbage. All the guys were fucking pissed because they thought Emily Maynard was going to be the Bachelorette and it ended up being Ashley, who’s like, way less hot. She cried the whole fucking time about being a back burner betch, but lucky for her, the guy she gave the final rose to had lower standards than the rest of the cast and was like “meh, you’ll do.” Now they’re married with two kids.
7. Desiree & Chris
Ahhh the season where “being there for the wrong reasons” became a thing. If I remember correctly, there was even a date that involved a fucking music video where the contestants rapped a tragic song called “Right Reasons.” Like Ashley, Des cried the whole time because she thought everyone was there for fame instead of winning her heart and she was right. Brooks, who she was 100% gonna pick dumped her. Ouch. As always, there was a nice guy and a maybe gay bro still around to pick up the pieces. Instead of just drunkenly making out with Chris, they got married and had a kid.
6. Sean & Catherine
I might get some heat for this one because people love these two for some reason, but idgaf. They suck. You read it here first. Sean was deemed the virgin Bachelor, but he wasn’t a virgin at all. He’d had sex in college and then decided to become a renewed virgin, which is not a thing unless you’re Jessica Simpson. I’m pretty sure he just had a dry spell and the producers ran with that shit. They also won’t fucking go away. Most Bachelor couples hang around for a year or two and then just fade into oblivion, but not these two. They’re everywhere.
5. Jason & Molly
Love Happens Here in Seattle! I’ve teamed up with my friends at @robbinsbrothers help make your Valentine’s extra special this year with a fun “Share & Win” campaign. On your Instagram, from now through February 12, simply share a photo or video with your sweetheart at your favorite romantic place in the Seattle area! Use the hashtags #LoveHappensHere and #Contest for a valid entry. You could win a $500 gift card to Robbins Brothers!!! For more information, visit RobbinsBrothers.com!! #partner
Tbh, I fucking hate Jason. He seems really little and not hot at all, and I will never get over what he did to Melissa. Sorry, but what a prick. That said, Molly totally saves them on the betch points. A guy dumping you so he can propose to another girl on national TV and then realizing he fucked up and begging you to forgive and marry him instead also on national TV is the shit you dream about when a fuckboy screws you over.
4. Jojo & Jordan
Another couple I sorta hate, but I can admit they’re pretty betchy. Jojo is hot af and knows how to dress slutty without taking it too far (which is a true art, btw). Also, she and Becca Tilley are squad goals. Jordan, while he might be a shitty human being, is v attractive in a well-groomed douchebag kind of way, and he’s on TV now announcing sports things, which is kinda lame but it’s better than just doing Instagram ads for laxative tea and other shit like that (though don’t worry, we’re pretty sure he still does that too).
3. Ben & Lauren
There’s something to be said about a betch who has a guy wrapped around her finger from the first time they meet when he’s surrounded by 30 other really hot sexually deprived women. Ben pretty much ignored all of the other girls on his season to hang with Lauren because he was so obsessed with her. And we say obsessed, we mean, still-told-Jojo-he-loved-her-too obsessed, not like obsessed obsessed. To the point the other girls pitched a fit about it while swimming with pigs. Not to mention, they’re cute af. America loved them so much they got their own show, even if it was an incredibly boring show.
2. Kaitlyn & Shawn
Kaitlyn had one of the shittiest seasons, but that shit paid off. She had to fight for the lead spot with nicegirl Britt because producers were worried she was too edgy, then everyone called her a slut the entire season because she openly slept with more than one person, something the Bachelors do all the fucking time. Sorry. Rant over. She and her final pick Shawn are toward the top of the list for a bunch of reasons. 1) They’re really hot. Like for real, Shawn is bae. 2) They actually seem normal and funny and not annoying like every other Bachelor couple so they can def sit with us. 3) They didn’t get married right after the show because they get that it’s stupid af. 4) They faded into normal life and refuse to do a ton of stupid Bachelor related shit.
1. Trista & Ryan
Of course, the OG Bachelorette success story is No. 1 on the list. They’re both hella attractive and have a beautiful family and are total soulmates. They stayed together when literally every other couple broke up and are living proof that as stupid as this fucking show is, it can actually work. Sometimes…
Even though pretty much everyone dubbed 2016 as “The Worst Year Ever”, we need to be real with ourselves for a second and admit 2017 hasn’t exactly gone as planned either. I mean, we’re barely two months in and we’re already tired as shit. In case you were wondering what has been going wrong, as if you needed a reminder, here are 17 things probably not going your way already in 2017.
1. The Weather
The South had weirdly hot weather and tornadoes. The West had excessive amounts of snow and rain, and now it’s fucking flooding. The East was doing pretty well until it decided to get up to 70 degrees one day, then blizzard the next. Winter sucks anyway, but let’s just all agree that this one has been a real stinker. Thanks a lot, La Niña.
2. Your Love Life
Apparently, the beginning of the year is generally the best time to fire up Tinder and Bumble and all the dating apps because everyone makes resolutions or some shit to find love. You probably were pretty optimistic at the beginning of the year that this was going to be “your year” when it comes to not being single AF. But here we are on Valentine’s Day, and the only male attention you’ve gotten was that dude who cat-called you on the street.
3. Your Hair
You can watch celebrity hair tutorials until your eyes bleed, but thanks to a combination of shitty weather (the need to wear a hat) and lack of motivation, your hair has probably seen better days. Maybe wait until you’re in a better mood/it’s sunny again to do anything drastic to your locks or you’ll be in a really bad place by the first day of spring.
4. The Inauguration
Yeah, basically the whole country thought we were getting punk’d when Trump won the election. I bet a lot of people were like, there’s no way they’ll let this guy be president. Then the inauguration happened and all of our worst fears were realized. What a weird day that was.
5. Politics In General
Basically everything that’s happened in Washington D.C. over the last month has been a major WTF moment. The Muslim Ban they aren’t calling a ban, repealing the Mexico City Policy, fucking up health care for people, you name it. Please, politicians, stop. Just stop.
6. The Bachelor
First of all, no one was very excited about Nick Vile—I mean, Viall—becoming the Bachelor. If you were excited, you can eat your words because this season has been pretty boring compared to past seasons. You can pretend like it’s just as good but you’re lying to yourself. Sure, some moments are entertaining, but do you really think any of those girls see Nick as the prize? No. The real prize is getting picked to be the Bachelorette.
Related: ABC Casts First Black Bachelorette After Only 12 Seasons Of Dodging Diversity Criticisms
7. The Super Bowl
Tom Brady and The Patriots are like Corinne, and The Falcons are like every other girl on The Bachelor. Sure, one is pretty hot and usually makes the headlines, but the other was so lovable and we wanted them to win. It all came crashing down during the final minutes. Corinne is going to fucking win, isn’t she? Shit.
Yeah, I’m sure you were really planning on hitting the gym and cutting some cals to drop those extra holiday pounds. Actually, though, the only thing you’ve been cutting is cake. You know spring is just around the corner, right? If you ever want to wear a swimsuit again you better reevaluate your priorities—priorities that don’t include midnight runs to Taco Bell.
9. Awards Ceremonies
Am I the only one who has been woefully unimpressed by this year’s award shows? Apart from Meryl Streep dropping some truth bombs at The Golden Globes and a naked and preggo Beyoncé getting robbed, everything else has been kind of meh. Kanye didn’t even show up to the Grammys, so what are we even supposed to talk about? C’mon Oscars, be interesting. We’re begging you.
Related: We Just Have A Lot Of Feelings About Beyoncé Losing To Adele
10. Trying Not To Drink
A bunch of betches tried to do a dry month during January or February (because it’s the shortest month, obvi). Like, I get thinking that you need a cleanse after everything that happened in 2016, but avoiding vodka sodas probably won’t improve your life that much. Let’s be honest, if you made one of these goals and have been sticking to it, I don’t believe you anyway. There’s no way you can see what’s going on in the world right now and not need a drink. You’re just as much of a lush as you were last year. You know it. I know it. We all know it.
Even if your romantic life isn’t totally shitty, sex is not going to be as great in 2017. Why? Because women are stressed AF that birth control won’t be covered by their insurance anymore or Planned Parenthood will get defunded. It’s kind of like a dark cloud looming over your bedroom. Also, don’t try to argue that a new 50 Shades movie is going to motivate your boyfriend to get more adventurous. You know you’re going to have to take charge on that and that’s just more work for you. Eye roll.
12. Wedding Season
You’re probably like, wait, WTF?, we’re months away from wedding season. That is true, but you bet your ass the save-the-dates are piling up on your fridge. Going to the kitchen now is like a constant reminder that you’re going to have to spend so much fucking money to support your friends and their happiness. Just UGH.
13. Planning for Spring Break
Did you forget spring break was even on its way because the weather sucks so much? Yeah, I think everyone is kind of caught up in other things right now. Maybe we can all take a minute from protesting an evil dictatorship and plan some much needed R&R. Maybe just don’t plan a trip to Mexico though, because the wall might get put up and you’ll be stuck in Cabo for the rest of forever. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing….
14. Your Horoscope
We couldn’t really expect this year to be stellar because our horoscopes have been so crappy lately. We started the year with Mercury in Retrograde. You know that fucks shit up. And last Friday was a Full Moon, so everything was just a little bit off. Here’s to hoping the stars don’t continue to screw us over all year long.
15. The Internet
OK, so 2017 is trying really hard to produce internet gold. The Cash Me Ousside girl is kind of funny. The Salt Bae chef guy is just average. But can you really expect viral hits to be produced in an era when Joe Biden isn’t in the White House? And the evil Kermit thing will always be fire. I’m sorry but 2016 had some of the best memes of all time, of all time! Plus, all your socials are full of political nonsense and #FakeNews. Can we just get back to posting selfies and belfies and thigh gaps and all that ridiculous shit?
Real talk. So far this year you have not found a rich sugar daddy to pay your bills and buy you a yacht. That being said, you probably still have to get up everyday and put some effort into pretending to work. It kind of makes you miss interning days when not fucking up a coffee order was your biggest responsibility.
17. Your New Year’s Resolution
It’s the middle of February and I’ll put money on the fact that your New Year’s resolution was garbage a week into 2017. It’s fine. No one is judging you for not sticking to it (we knew that would happen), we’re mostly just judging you for making one in the first place. You should know better. Resolutions are bullshit.